Feeling safe is something you take for granted until that sense of security is taken away. The main reason I keep my name, home town, and my children's names anonymous is to have a sense of security. I don't share photos of what we look like or our home because, God forbid my X ever finds this blog I don't want to give too many clues as to our location.
That being said, I realize that at any point he can find me if he really wants to. Between the Internet and private detectives (which he had following me on at least one occasion I have proof of, and one more I'm sure of but have no evidence to substantiate my suspicions) Well I know there's no way that I'll ever be totally safe.
I've taken the steps to keep myself and the girls safe. My rental is set up for an Alarm system, I just have to call and have it set it. I've received my concealed carry permit, taken my shooting lessons faithfully and I feel confident that if I HAD to I could defend us. Very soon I'll be changing all my phone numbers - home, cell, kid's cell numbers. The police and schools have our new restraining orders. And lastly I've broken off contact with my former in-laws for now.
I'm not proud of the explosive way I blew up on the phone, but it's like all the anger, fear, pain, resentment, and maternal outrage just burst out of me all at once. Once I started I couldn't hold back, and everything I've wanted to say for over a year came out in a loud, ugly tirade. While I might not be proud of my behavior I do recognize that it's an important break for all of us. I can't handle the anxiety of dealing with my in-laws, AND with the X's upcoming release from Prison.
One of the things I love, love, love about my BLT is that I feel so safe when we're together. When he holds me and plays with my hair I feel like nothing could hurt the girls or I. When he says that he would move heaven and earth to keep us safe I believe him. I just hope it never comes to that.
The best gift in the world would be my X deciding he never wanted anything to do with me again. Since it's been over a year and per his last letter my kids he is still thinking about me every hour of every day - well I don't have a lot of faith in his self control or common sense.
I know that my anxiety will increase until the X is released from prison. I know that no matter what I do I'm going to have to keep working on controlling my stress responses, to keep talking and working through my fear. I owe it to myself, to my kids, and to BLT as well. I don't want to let my fears push him away when I need him the most.