It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Needing to feel safe.

Feeling safe is something you take for granted until that sense of security is taken away. The main reason I keep my name, home town, and my children's names anonymous is to have a sense of security. I don't share photos of what we look like or our home because, God forbid my X ever finds this blog I don't want to give too many clues as to our location.

That being said, I realize that at any point he can find me if he really wants to. Between the Internet and private detectives (which he had following me on at least one occasion I have proof of, and one more I'm sure of but have no evidence to substantiate my suspicions) Well I know there's no way that I'll ever be totally safe.

I've taken the steps to keep myself and the girls safe. My rental is set up for an Alarm system, I just have to call and have it set it. I've received my concealed carry permit, taken my shooting lessons faithfully and I feel confident that if I HAD to I could defend us. Very soon I'll be changing all my phone numbers - home, cell, kid's cell numbers. The police and schools have our new restraining orders. And lastly I've broken off contact with my former in-laws for now.

I'm not proud of the explosive way I blew up on the phone, but it's like all the anger, fear, pain, resentment, and maternal outrage just burst out of me all at once. Once I started I couldn't hold back, and everything I've wanted to say for over a year came out in a loud, ugly tirade. While I might not be proud of my behavior I do recognize that it's an important break for all of us. I can't handle the anxiety of dealing with my in-laws, AND with the X's upcoming release from Prison.

One of the things I love, love, love about my BLT is that I feel so safe when we're together. When he holds me and plays with my hair I feel like nothing could hurt the girls or I. When he says that he would move heaven and earth to keep us safe I believe him. I just hope it never comes to that.

The best gift in the world would be my X deciding he never wanted anything to do with me again. Since it's been over a year and per his last letter my kids he is still thinking about me every hour of every day - well I don't have a lot of faith in his self control or common sense.

I know that my anxiety will increase until the X is released from prison. I know that no matter what I do I'm going to have to keep working on controlling my stress responses, to keep talking and working through my fear. I owe it to myself, to my kids, and to BLT as well. I don't want to let my fears push him away when I need him the most.


  1. Wow, that's a lot to handle for anyone. Talking to the right people and doing all the right things to keep yourself and your children safe is the right thing to do. Sorry that you've had to endure so much. I look at some of the things I've gone through and I'm thankful that it never got that bad.... I wish you the best during these trying times.
    stay calm, you think clearer while calm....


  2. What I like is that you are aware and you are facing it, finding tools to deal with it. These are very important things. You aren't just giving in to the fear or even worse in some ways, ignoring it.

  3. I am glad that you are aware of the danger and trying to find ways to keep you and your family safe.

  4. Read my post for today about what stress does to your body. Yes, I agree, my man makes me feel safe too. But alas, it's ME that must change my mind and take care of myself.

    Hang in there. You got this.