Life gets in the way of all my plans

I'm sure you understand what I mean!  Isn't that the case for everyone? At least for those of us who are not independently wealthy, living a life of ease?  Where oh where is that nanny? Has anyone seen my Chef?

I was hoping to update my blog several times over the past few weeks, and each time I sat down I was inundated with things to do - wedding things, kid things, work commitments, emails, Christmas projects... you name it.

Now it's nearly Christmas, and I'm getting ready to head out of town to celebrate with BLT's family.  The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of shopping, wrapping, and packing to get gifts send UPS to the future in-laws.  Once that was accomplished I needed to focus on my niece's 12th birthday, as well as my annual holiday cookie party.

I love this time of year, but occasionally I have to remind myself that these things are supposed to be fun - they aren't supposed to be stressful.  I have to sit back, take a breath, and let some things go.  I tend to aim for perfection and beat myself up if we don't fit in every event, every party, every tradition.  As the kids have gotten older I've found it harder and harder to keep up.  This year all that stress was multiplied by the knowledge that upon our return in January we will be facing a visit from our GAL to do a home study and discuss my X with the children. She's trying to determine what their interest is in seeing him, and whether or not they are emotionally ready for that to happen.  It's an incredibly stressful idea - the thought that someone is coming into your home to interview your children, poke around, and make judgements on your abilities. 

I had wanted to go to Zoo Lights.  I wanted to get holiday portraits taken. I wanted to bring cookie baskets to our fire house. I wanted to make Christmas cards. None of those things were accomplished.  Hell, I only got a Christmas tree put up on the 16th because the Cookie Party was happening that weekend and I wanted the house to look somewhat festive! At this point I'm going to be rushing like mad for the next two days to get the four kids hair cut (to avoid looking like small homeless people when we are introduced to BLT's extended family for the first time) to finish up the laundry and pack up our bags, to deliver the idiot dogs to Ethel for doggy-sitting, packing up the car, and cleaning out the fridge so we don't leave food to go bad for the next couple weeks.

I did manage to get my snow tires installed, and get the kids to bathe the rotten dogs - which I know Ethel appreciates! 

So it appears that the Nanny has permanently run off with the Chef - so I better get to that long "to do" list before I end up even farther behind!

Are you proud of yourself?

When vising with the GAL last week I was presented with this question.  Stated very straight forwardly...

"Are you proud of yourself?"

For a moment there I just looked at Dr. Britt with what I can only assume was a bewildered look on my face.  You see we were about 2/3 of the way through our two hour meeting and I had confessed through her probing questions about the terrible mistake I made getting and staying married to an emotionally abusive man.  I had also been very honest about the affair I had two weeks before the X and I decided to get divorced.  I had told her that after my X brought that gun to my house my children and I were essentially homeless, living off the generosity of my parents and Ethel's family. 

My answer was, "No - I'm not proud of myself.  Mostly I feel foolish, and weak. I know I didn't handle things the best way possible at the end of my marriage and my children and I all suffered horribly."

Dr. Britt cut me off there and said, "No, I mean... you SHOULD be proud of yourself.  You survived  something really terrible and traumatic, and you've come out at the end of all this doing really well for yourself.  Your kids are, from everything I can gather, healthy and happy and well adjusted.  You didn't let this define you or stop you. You went on with life and built something really good for yourself and your kids.  So I ask you again.... Are you proud of yourself?"

And you know what...  I AM!  I AM PROUD OF MYSELF, MY FAMILY, MY KIDS, AND MY LIFE! Wheww...you know it feels pretty damn amazing to say that out loud.  I don't think I've ever done that before.