I saw a quote today that said something about not being able to move onto the next chapter in your life if you are constantly re-reading the previous chapter. It was worded all eloquently of course, and I just butchered it I'm sure, but you get the idea.
This really spoke to me today. I'm dealing with more legal issues relating to my X, the GAL contacted me and I'm finishing up some parenting questionnaires, and I had to give a fairly detailed listing of the ways I believe I was abused during my 14 Year marriage.
There's nothing like seeing all the ways you've been treated like crap (in chronological order no less so you can ask yourself over and over, "why the hell didn't I leave then? Or then? Or THEN?" to really make a girl feel good about herself. The result of dredging up all these bad memories was a massive, midnight panic attack.
I was in that sleepy place in between being asleep and fully awake. I must have been dreaming or remembering the really bad times because suddenly I couldn't breath... I shot up and was gasping for breath and shaking all over.
I had so much adrenaline rushing through me I felt like my skin was crawling. Poor BLT was rudely woken from a sound sleep as well with all my gasping and thrashing around.
I need to find a way out of this mess inside my head. It's not fair to BLT or the kids for me to waste all this energy on an abusive POS like my X. I owe myself better than this ugliness I can't shake, and I know I've worked too hard to let him have this kind of control and influence on me. I know all this... So why am I stuck in this "chapter"?
I honestly think its because I keep getting drug back to that time when things were so bad by all these legal manipulations on the part of my X. It's not bad enough to be victimized once, you have to keep reliving the worst night of your life over and over. Every statement to the police, the lawyers, each court declaration and to the GAL. Each time I have to renew our restraining orders and justify why I am still afraid of him, or meet with a therapist, and even the questions from curious friends and family feels like you're picking at a barely healed scab.
I guess I will have to be more patient. I think I'm going to have to keep fighting through all this anxiety until we are done with some of the legal fallout. I need to focus on the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel... All of this has to wind down at some point right?