Chef

I'm not feeling well, and the Chef made dinner tonight. BBQ baby back ribs, herbed rice... damn that kid can cook.

The Disapproval of My Father

When do we become old enough that we no longer need our parents approval? Does that ever happen? Apparently my father disapproves of my relationship with BLT. He thinks my priorities are mixed up and that I have no business dating anyone right now, that my only concern should be work and my children.

In a way perhaps he's right. I mean my kids and I have been through a lot in the past year. Maybe it is too early. Maybe I'm robbing my children of one-on-one attention when I go away every other month. Maybe I'm not emotionally ready to be the very best girlfriend I could be and it's not fair to BLT.

And knowing all that, I still don't feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm really happy for the most part, and anything that is making me unhappy is related to the X going to crazy town on a regular basis and the resulting financial troubles I've found myself in. Those financial troubles by the way are getting so much better. I have gotten both my income tax refund and my payment from the stock purchase. I can pay off some old debts, get myself current, and save enough (hopefully) to move us to a bigger place if one comes available in town.

Anyway... I am actually really happy. I like the person I am when I'm with him. I love him, and he loves me. The kids seem to like him, and vice versa. The only way I could be happier is if he would move up here and we could be together more often.

So, what do I do? Do I tell my dad that I love him, and I respect him, but I'm a 35 year old woman and I'll make the decision that's best for me, for my girls, for BLT? Do I just tell him that I intend to do what makes me happy for the first time in my life? Or do I ignore his objections and hope he comes around? I know for damn sure I'm not going to stop seeing my BLT.

If that makes me selfish, or if my priorities are screwed up, I guess I have to live with that. I don't like that my dad thinks poorly of me, I've always been a bit of a daddy's girl. I don't like that he disapproves of someone I love.

My mom likes the BLT, she said she thinks "he's a very nice man." and she says she's happy for me. She remembers what it was like to be a 35 year old woman with a raging sex drive, lol. She can tell he makes me happy and that's enough for her.

I don't know what to do about my dad. A part of me is devestated he disapproves. A part of me is indignant and doesn't care what ANYONE one else thinks because nobody has to live this life but me.

The Introduction

It went very well, introducing BLT to my kids. I didn't really have any doubts, but I didn't know what to expect. Especially from Lady Bug. She was the most attached to the X before he had his little crazy episode and she's the most hurt by his absence.

Our plan was to go to the Wild Animal Park together... but the rainy weather put a kink in our plans. We went back to my house and played Clue. Then we played some video games with the kids, we all made dinner together, and we just hung out and talked.

The evening ended with me giving the little kids a bath while BLT hung out in the living room with the older kids. It was nice. It was low key. It was comfortable.

The youngest doesn't talk to strangers. She barely talks to people she knows, she's just a very shy and quiet kind of girl (nothing like her mother, I have to admit) well even she was chatting it up within an hour of meeting the BLT. She even asked to sit next to him at dinner. That's a big thing!

TNT was very sweet and friendly, gave him a hug before she went to bed. She said several times that she thinks he's nice.

So it went well as far as first introductions go. When I thanked him for being so kind to my girls he said, "they make it easy, they're sweet girls" I'm glad that he thinks so. It's kind of important that all my favorite people can get along.

I can smell him on my pillow

He came, he met my children and my family, we had a wonderful...amazing weekend together. Now he's gone and my heart is just aching.

It was harder watching him walk away than it is for me to leave him behind, and that has been pretty damn hard. I can smell him on my pillows and it's like a jab to the heart.

I miss him already.

Sleeping, Eatting, and a Workout Routine

I'm sleeping well these days, deeply and without bad dreams. I got my head shrunk a bit and realized that I just had to face a few fears head on, work them all out of my head. I had to allow myself to be okay with being afraid and talk out all the "what if" situations. I'm actually doing a lot better.

Eatting, now there is a something I'm struggling with a lot. I do well during the day: Coffee and Fruit for breakfast, fiber bar for a snack a few hours later, a Slimfast shake and more fruit or raw veggies for lunch. Then evening rolls around. I get home, and I'm hungry... then I exercise and I'm even more hungry. I end up eatting way too many calories and going to bed with a full stomach. BAD BAD BAD I know, but I seem stuck in this rut. I work twelve hour days and come home exhausted...ugh...

I need to get back into a normal workout routine. I was working out every day before the whole "divorce/moving/husband going nuts and trying to kill me/homeless/job change/moving again" thing that has been going on the past six months. We are settled into a house now. I need to get back on the wagon. I've been jogging every now and then... and doing the occasional work out tape. I need to get back to working out daily or at least several times per week. I've gained 12 lbs since July of last year, and it needs to come off... there is a statute of limitations on using "stress" as an excuse.

Kids and Movies

I took the kids to the movies... and now I remember why it's been months since I did that last.

Between getting up 12 times to take someone to the restroom, and having to sell blood to afford the snacks it's just not that fun an evening!

Poor Monkey Pants - my 5 year old - fell fast asleep in my lap and I got to lug 50 lbs of dead weight back to the car. At least I got my strength training in for the day!

The Final Countdown....

Do you have that song stuck in your head yet? Sorry about that...

Well Thursday is the big day. My BLT will be here Thursday evening for five whole days. Sadly it's the longest block of time we've had all alone. I'm so looking forward to it.

I'll also be introducing my BLT to the kids for the first time. We've been seeing each other since last summer, and I'm not going to let the fact that the divorce papers aren't signed yet keep me from moving forward with my life.

I love him, he loves me, he knows I'm a package deal - hell if I were fast food I would be the super sized, jumbo lunch! I mean four kids and two dogs is quite the family to jump into the middle of.

He's not looking to be anyone's daddy. His parents were divorced, and he had an excellent example in his stepmother. When his dad and stepmom got together he suddenly got three siblings, and he's fully aware of the ups and downs headed his way if we decide to stay together.

But right now, he's a big part of my life. I want my children to know who I'm with when I they visit their auties or grandparents and I go away for the weekend. I don't want them to feel like I'm ashamed or keeping secrets - because I'm not.

Final countdown until BLT gets here is 5 days. I need to get my house in order, clean out my car (because the odor of sweaty kid's socks and french fries is not sexy and I want to spare him that when I pick him up from the airport!) Wash all my bedding, pick out what I'll wear to pick him up in, get the yard tidied up and all the toys under control, bikini wax, pedicure, give the dogs a bath, wash the slip-covers on the furniture, hit the market for something yummy to cook him for dinners, pack up the kids stuff and make sure they're ready to go to their aunties for the majority of the time he's in town, and order tickets to the comedy club we want to go to.

So far I have managed to book a hotel downtown for us for two of those nights so he can see the city and we don't have a 2 hour drive back to my place. I've also searched high and low and managed to find his favorite beer, and it's chilling in my fridge. I'm such a nice girlfriend huh? :)

Whew... wish me luck! I figure if I'm busy I won't have time to be too nervous. Not sure I'm right, but hey, it's a theory I can work with.

Good News / Bad News

Good and bad news keeps flowing my way. In the ebb and flow of life I can't really say if the tide is in or out...if I'm up or down. I am a little lost in the whirl, and I feel like I'm rowing a tiny boat in a great, big turbulent ocean.

Last week I got good news about the money I need... this week I hear that it will take at least two weeks for the check to "clear" according to the X's lawyers. So they won't send me my money until after the first of next month. I'm sorry...it's more stall tactics, it doesn't take anyone two weeks to get a check to clear in this day and age. It's total bullshit and it makes me very angry that they are still trying to manipulate and/or punish me through financial means.

Good news this week... Soon I'll officially be a DIVORCED WOMAN!! My X's mother finally grew a pair and told her psycho son that she wouldn't pay for this divorce to to go court. None of us can afford it. I sent him a very reasonable offer...he told his mother he refused to sign any offer that included him having monitored visitation... monitored visitation is going to be mandatory due to the fact that HE IS A CONVICTED FELON OF A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ASSAULT WITH A GUN!! And yes, yes I am yelling.

I'm so fed up with his excuses, his manipulations, his absolute refusal to see the truth in any given situation. The fact that his desire to punish me outweighs his desire to care for his children infuriates me to no end.

Well his lawyers must have made his see that he will have no choice in the matter, or maybe it's just the fact that mommy cut him off financially - finally. I don't care what it is, the fact of the matter is that he counter-offered and I accepted.

The kicker is that his offer was a simple rewording of my offer. He only changed one tiny thing, which I think is perfectly fair. I accepted in a heart-beat and told my lawyer to get the paperwork started immediately.

I'm terrified, absolutely terrified that he'll change his mind and retract the offer, if that's even legal, and I'll have gotten my hopes up for nothing. I won't be able to sleep until I know for sure it's a done deal. I want to have my relationship severed from him for good, and I'll be able to feel like I can move on with my life once that's done. I'll really be free.

So good news is I'll be getting the lion's share of the retirement fund in lieu of child support while he's in the pokey. Bad news is that it will take several months for the company to pay that out, and I'll loose 30% in early withdrawal penalties, another 25% in taxes... I'll get less than half of what the amount is. Which sucks ass, but even that 45% can be used to pay off more of my debt, can get some things for the house we really need, can get the kids summer clothes and hopefully have enough left over for school supplies come next fall and a new windshield for my poor car.

It's been a bumpy ride this week, and it didn't help that I worked very long, very busy days and came home too exhausted both emotionally and physically to do any exercising at all.

I think I'll get up in the morning and take a nice jog in the sunshine. I need the release, and the exercise, and the peace and quiet after this roller coaster I've been on!

Maybe the Tides Have Turned

Today was an amazing day. At work we signed a new Warehouse up in Canada to carry our product. They've agreed to a place an initial order of 26k... yes, as in thousand. That's HUGE for us. HUGE. My father has been working for over two years to get this Warehouse to carry our line. Hallaluja they can continue to pay my salary!!

When I got home after work there was a message on my phone from my lawyer. She received a notice that a nice sized sum of money I've been owed for 6 months has finally been paid out. I should have it by next week at some point. Oh My Freakin' God...thank you, thank you, thank you. I need this money in the very worst way. I have bills to pay and I owe my parents a large sum for helping the girls and I get into our rental.

I have a cracked molar that needs repair, but w/o any insurance there was no way I could afford it until now. My kids all need clothes and new shoes, badly. I need to license my pets so they are legal. Just...well life. I need to finance our life.

Without any child support bills have been piling up. I'm so excited to get a few monkeys off my back. It's such a relief!!

This is the type of Sunday I remember

Today wasn't perfection or anything, but it was the first weekend since August that I felt was normal. It was as close as we've gotten in the past several months to a normal, stress free, drama free family Sunday.

We all over slept to begin with. Something I never do. I have a very hard time sleeping in general. I fell asleep some time after 3am, and I was dead to the world until 11 am. 8 whole hours is double what I normally get, and I'm a light sleeper too.... not today. I was in a coma, dead to the world until I woke up.

We walked to the video store to return a movie, then over to the park. It was cool out, but we had fun playing on the big toy, playing with the dogs, jogging a little bit around the paths. Then we took the dogs home and walked back to the video store to pick up Planet 51 we had on reserve. Back home for sub sandwiches for dinner, our movie, and then we played a couple games of Clue.

Laundry, and getting ready for school the next day, then bed for the kiddies. All in all, very normal. Normal feels amazing after all the upheaval and craziness we've had in the past 7 months. Normal feels like a gift.

My Freak Out

I had a melt down after Friday's conversation with the former in law. I'm overwhelmed with my life, my financial burdens, my children's pain, my own pain, and the legal battle ahead of me.

My BLT called... he made me feel so much better. I jumped to the wrong conclusion about something and sent him a text, then another text, then called twice. I didn't realize he had been called into work for a couple hours.

When he called me back he calmly listened to me blubber and cry and then he just said, "hey, do me a favor. Don't assume because everyone else has shit all over you lately that I'm going to do it too."

And he's right. That's exactly what I did. I have been waiting for him to break my heart. Waiting for him to crap all over me, because life in general has spent the past several months doing just that.

Then in true BLT fashion he says, "repeat after me... BLT is MY man, he loves me, and he's not going anywhere." and he refused to hang up until I did just that. It made me laugh, it made me feel ridiculous, but damn it made me feel good too.

He's mine, he's not going anywhere, he loves me. Freak out over.

If that's how they want to play it...

My former mother in law made a huge mistake. She has no business being involved in my divorce period. She's paying for the X's divorce lawyer, and she keeps trying to play the go between.

She called on Friday. We sent a totally reasonable offer. He said he didn't care anything about the money (there is a sizable 401K) and that he just wants the ability to write letters to the girls from jail.

I agreed to letters only. I can monitor those and if he's inappropriate I have proof, he only screws himself in the end. Part of my offer is that after his release from prison a guardian ad litem will be appointed and he'll only have monitored visitation.

He objects to this. Even though he said he doesn't care about the money...he objects to me asking for 85% of the 401K in lieu of child support. It's not like he has any expenses. While in jail his parents paid off his car, his credit cards, his medical bills, paid for his legal defense team AND his super high powered divorce lawyers. He has NO bills now, zip.... the girls and I are drowning in debt.

He went to jail for trying to shoot me and I got saddled with all our bills. One more gift from Mr. Wonderful. Asshole. He doesn't care about the kids, he cares about punishing me.

He is under some kind of crazy notion that any court in the country will not only give him unmonitored visitation, but he'll get partial custody. A man who plead guilty to a 3rd degree violent domestic violence felony charge? I don't think so...

So when his mother gets involved and calls me to tell me that I'm selfish, greedy, and that I lied to her about this that and the other. Well I got pissed. She told me that the X won't sign as it's written now and we'll be going to court. I can't afford to go to court. I've been told it will be at least 10K, he doesn't care. His mommy will pay his lawyers (who get 2.5x what my lawyer does so it'll cost them 25K)

Selfish fucking bastard. Crazy, selfish people. So this is how we're going to play it. I told my in-laws that as long as they are paying the lawyers, who's only job it is to take the financial resources away from my kids that we need to survive they won't be seeing the kids. They made their choice. They chose their crazy as hell, selfish son over their own grand kids.

God dammit all to hell I'm mad enough to spit. I've already been told by my lawyer that if this goes to court I'll walk away with just about everything. The courts will give me most, if not all, of the 401K, most likely his income taxes too. Plus I'll be suing for my legal fees and all back child support he's not paying while he is in jail. He'll have monitored visitation for sure, that's a given considering the crime he went to prison for.

It's ridiculous that it's come to this. Costing all of us time and money we don't have, and in the end my kids suffer the most. They lost their daddy. We are so broke I'm trying to decide between getting evicted or letting my car get repoed. If I loose my car I can't get to work. If I loose my house we have no place to live, but inside that car. Either way it sucks ass to be us, and now I have to manage to find 10K to pay to go to court to fight for what my kids should be given out of concern for their welfare by their dead beat maniac of a father.

I'm goin' to court...I'm kickin' ass, and there will be hell to pay when I'm done.

Two Weeks

My handsome, wonderful BLT will be here in exactly two weeks. This time, 14 days from now we'll be doing very wicked things to each other in my big bed. Oh hallelujah! LOL!

It's not just the sex I miss. I mean, ya, I miss that a LOT. I knew I wasn't "satisfied" in my marriage, but I could never quite put my finger on what was off. It was nice most of the time...but there were never really any "OMG lets do that again" moments. On a few occasions I tried to be honest about what I needed, sexually speaking, and he just wasn't interested in accommodating me I guess. Near the end of our marriage we didn't even share a room, so that aspect of our relationship was dead.

BLT and I had such dynamic chemistry right away. I've never had that before now, where just sitting next to each other in a movie theatre or while watching t.v. makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and I get goose bumps. It's like I'm hyper aware of where he is all times. Of his scent, his body heat, the sound of his breathing. The crazy thing is, that it was that way the very first time we spent any time together.

Maybe it's this whole long distance relationship and the long period of time between visits, maybe it's chemistry, maybe it's the fact that we made a point to be totally and 100% honest about what we like / don't like / want from each other. I've never been this honest with anyone, and I feel like I can ask for anything, and he wouldn't judge me, he would simply be honest about his interest or willingness to give me what I want. I have so much trust in him, and I know he feels the same way. This open communication thing we have going on is so very sexy. I love knowing what he wants, what he fantasizes about, what he's afraid of, what he dreams about. And I love being able to tell him all of those things as well. Whatever the reasons are this is for certain the best sex of my life. I feel so sexy when I'm with him. So loved, and cherished, and fulfilled in all the ways I've always wanted to be.

I said it's not just the sex I miss, and I mean it. I can't wait to just hang out with him, to show off my town, to lay in bed and watch a movie. I love to cook for him (and until recently I've hated to cook for anyone!), to take care of him in little ways, and to be taken care of and nurtured in all the ways that he excels at. He makes me feel safe...and still thrillingly excited at the same time. It's a heady combo, and I look forward to fully enjoying every moment of our time together.

Two short weeks...they can't pass soon enough.

That kid needs some meds...in a big way.

The 3rd of my four kids has ADD. I know this. As a mother, as someone who is a trained early childhood educator. I know this because one of my other children also has ADD and is very succesfully using a low dose of meds to function in a normal classroom. I know she needs meds, and I've been holding off, waiting to see if she would mature a little and learn some impulse control. Maybe become less argumentative when I could reason with her.

No... not happening. She's willfull, which on it's own I could handle. It's not like I'm not an experienced mother. It's not like I haven't worked with troubled kids. She's not troubled, she's not a bad kid. She just doesn't have any ability to moderate herself. Not her tone, her volume, her emotions, her activity level, or her behavior. She can't follow multi-step processes, can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes, and she's so moody and emotional she's making everyone around her crazy.

I hate to use medication if it's not required, but this is a necessity. I'm going to make that girl an appt. with the dr. and see if they can start her on some low dose ADD/ADHD meds as soon as possible.

That way she just might make it to see the ripe ol' age of 8 :)

I feel stuck

I feel like my life is on hold, which is crazy - because in reality it's moving full speed ahead whether I'm ready for it or not.

My girls are growing faster than I can feed and clothe them. My work is so busy I can't get everything done in a day that needs to be done. My personal life is, well... complicated. But I love my BLT and he loves me and that's some kind of progress forward. He's coming out for the first time to visit, so that's movement in some direction as well.

But even with all of this, I feel stagnant. I feel like I can't let go of being MARRIED. Due to circumstances outside of my control I can't get the X to sign divorce papers. I can't put that part of my life behind me. In some ways I feel like a liar and a fraud. I'm still technically a married woman and I'm in love with someone else. I share a bed with him, I cry on his shoulder and tell him my darkest secrets.

When people ask if I'm divorced I lie and say yes, because I don't want to answer uncomfortable questions. I don't have the guts to be honest. I shouldn't care what random people think, if they approve of how I'm living my life. But I do care what people think. In typical "eldest child" fashion I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy, I want people to approve of me. Shit, I stayed in a marriage for nearly five years longer than I should because I didn't want to disappoint my family and friends.

There are parts of being married I miss. I won't even lie and say it was all horrible. I've learned that I don't like sleeping alone. I miss having a warm body in bed with me. I miss having someone there when I have a nightmare, even if it's just to talk it out with in the morning. I miss seeing another car in the driveway and knowing I'm not coming home to a cold, dark, empty house. I miss my big, beautiul 3600 square foot, five bedroom, four bathroom house. I won't lie... I totally miss it. Living in a 600 square foot duplex sucks ass.

Then there are the things I want, but never had. The things I hope for in a future relationship: someone to read in bed with, someone who will help me around the house - without me having to nag and beg for assistance, someone who will take me dancing, someone who likes my family and will be happy to spend time with them now and then, someone who doesn't make me be the decision maker all the time in a passive aggressive way to get out of responsibility, somone who will make love to me in the shower, or the kitchen, or the couch...some place other than only in bed. I want someone who wants to have new experiences WITH me, go to a new restaurant, try a new sport, go out to a comedy club or take a cooking class...something new we can try together.

And the bummer is, I don't feel like I can have ANY of those things until I can get divorced. I can't move past this place in my life until he signs the damn papers and we finish this once and for all.

He says the most amazing things.

Some times I don't know what to say to BLT. He takes my breath away with this absolute acceptance of me. I've never felt that from anyone except my best friend. In so many ways the BLT is similar to Ethel. They think somewhat alike, they feel deeply and express themselves well, they push me out of my comfort zone and they call "bullshit" when I'm full of it - keeping me honest with myself when I really just want to hide from life.

I feel like he's the first man who's ever seen all of me. The good, bad, crazy, and even the boring little bits I try to keep hidden. He sees them, and he relishes in the good, accepts the bad, laughs at the crazy, and embraces the boring little weird things that make me unique.

He has this amazing knack for saying exactly what I need to hear, when I need it most. And not in some fake, cheesy, I'm just hoping to get into your panties type of way. Because let's be honest, he doesn't even have to work at that. One look, one kiss, one finger running across my collar bone and I'm jello. No, it's more like he can see inside my head and he knows what I need at any given moment. I'll be thinking about him, or worrying about something and he'll call at that exact moment when I really need to hear his voice. Maybe it's simply that I always need to hear his voice, at least more so lately than ever before.

He'll be here in 16 days, and I'm nervous. He wants to meet my parents - which is only fair I've met his parents several times now. He wants to meet my kids. Also only fair, since we've spent time with his child. He wants to be introduced to that part of my life and it scares the hell out of me. What if the circus I call my life is too much for him? What if this is all more than he bargained for, what if he runs? What if I'm not worth it?

I expressed these fears to him...well an abridged version... last night. After listening patiently, he said; "For the record, I've never felt so connected to anyone else in my entire life. If I can't make it with you doll then I'm not going to keep looking, because I love you and you are the very best thing that's ever come into my life. I have faith that we will work this out. This is our plan right? You and me."

And I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that this was OUR plan. Not my plan, not my hope. I needed to hear that he has faith we can work this out and find a way to be living in the same state so we can make an honest go of this relationship. He told me that he's thankful for me... thankful. It's an amazing thing to hear.

There are times I wish I was better at expressing myself. I wish that I could just open up and have all the things I'm feeling come out the way I mean them and not the mumbled, garbled mess that usually spews forth when I try and tell him how I feel.

I'm so afraid that my crazy schedule, my kids, my messy financial situation, the fact that I live way out in the boonies, my insane family... all of it. Well I'm afraid it'll be too much for him. I didn't want to fall in love with him, God help me I didn't, and I'm scared to think about what will happen if he walks away. How do I pick myself up from that one, especially on the heels of all the other crap I've dealt with this past year? Like a fool I gave him my heart, in ways I never have before.

All I can do is hold onto the fact that he has faith in us, in a possible future for us. I have to hold onto the fact that he's well aware that I'm a package deal and he hasn't run yet. Faith is hard for me right now. I'm trying, but it's scary and hard, and sometimes it's just not there.

Things to be thankful for

I'm going to try and be more aware of the simple gifts in my life. I'm going to make an effort to recognize the blessings. I think I'll get a small notebook and keep it in my purse, that way when I notice something, or I become aware of something that makes me happy or brings a smile to my face I can write it down right away.

I don't know why it's so easy to remember the bad stuff, to focus on the negative, and to let the ugly side of life intrude on my happiness. Why isn't it easier to focus on the positive, to find beauty and joy in simple things? Why don't I remember the kindness of strangers, but I can't forget the pain caused by a cruel words.

The things that made me happy today: Sunshine, Flowers blooming in the yard, A beautiful view, The smell of clean laundry, A funny email from a friend, Jogging without pain in my foot, Fresh baked cookies, Record sales at work, A small tax refund, A good meatball sub, A hug from a five year old, And last but not least... my first day off in 12 days!

When you read it, it's a very nice list of things to be thankful for.

Busy Hands

We are insanely busy at work, which is amazing, WONDERFUL really. I work for my family business, and a small family business is either feast or famine. Right now there is no money coming in, but we are frantically filling orders faster than we can process them. I can't hardly make enough product to fill each days orders before UPS gets there to ship it all out.

So that means that in 30 days we will start seeing checks, nice big, fat juicy checks! This is a great thing!

But I'm on my 11th straight day of work. Some of my days are more manual labor than anything else. I'm hauling material around, packing, shipping, wrapping, using the industrial presses to cut materials, building the fire up...shoot, on Monday I built a fence to keep our shop mascots from running off. Whatever needs to be done, I do it.

In a small business we all wear a lot of hats. We are all order takers, janitorial crew, maintenance, shipping/packing, and general shop "monkey" as the need arises. You have to be flexible, and you have to realize that no job is beneath any of us. When it needs to be done you deal with it, without being asked, and without complaining. That's the nature of the beast.

That being said, I have so much personal freedom in this job. I make my schedule pretty much. I drop my kids off at school, go to work, pick them up when school is over and they come to work with me for the evening to finish up my shift. The days are long, well over 8 hours - but if I need a day off to deal with sick kids, or a field trip at the kid's school I have the ability to do that. No questions asked. As a single mom I can't trade that for the world.

So I'm busy... busier than I ever thought I would be. Doing this mommy gig alone is amazingly tough some days, and I'm sure I'm not excelling. We are all struggling and adjusting. But I'm doing the very best I can. I'm kicking ass at work, and I'm still finding time to cook meals, help with homework, and keep my house fairly clean. It's amazing. It helps that I don't sleep much, lol.

Being busy also has another side benefit, I don't have time to stew. No time to worry about bills, or what will happen between the BLT and I, or when I'll be able to fix that crack in my windshield, or whether or not the X will violate his restraining order and try to find me when he gets out. When I'm busy at work I can just let that all go and focus on the job at hand.

I am learning to appreciate this aspect of my life a lot. I didn't know if I could do this job. But I'm learning so much, and I'm enjoying it. I'm really very thankful for this opportunity and I'm going to make the most of it!

I want...

I'm wanting tonight. In so many little ways I'm wanting something. Someone mostly. I want my BLT to be here. I want some kissing, nice deep slow kissing. I want to slow dance, does that sound weird? I had this dream where the BLT and I were dancing to some slow, smokey jazz. One of those empty restaurant cliches where it's just the two of you.

My X would never dance with me. Even in highschool when we were dating he wouldn't dance with me. We didn't have music at our wedding because he didn't want to learn to dance.

I want someone who WANTS to dance with me. I want to feel our bodies pressed together, smell his skin, feel his hand on the small of my back. I just want to be wanted.

I'm feeling small and alone tonight. It was a rough day, emotionally, dealing with questions from my former inlaws. Dealing with bill collectors who think they'll manage to squeeze pennies from me with humiliation and unkind words.

I wish my BLT was here so I could just escape for a little while. When he touches me I can't think of anything but how he makes me feel, I don't worry about how I'll pay my bills, I don't fixate on things I can't control, I don't think about anything but touching and being touched, the giving and receiving of pleasure. He makes me feel beautiful and powerful and so very loved, and I could really use a little of that tonight.

Control Freak

There are certain areas of my life where I am, admitedly, a wee bit of a control freak. And by wee bit I mean huge (of course).

I think it's because I have a total lack of control in several areas of my life. I can't control when the X is released from prison. I can't control my financial situation, and the struggles I'm having due to the divorce. I can't control if the X is going to violate my Restraining Order and try to hurt me. I can't control the distance between the BLT and I, and I can't even really control whether my relationship with the BLT will last. I can't control that all my kids have to share one small bedroom or that they don't love where we live.

What I can control is the order of my closets, the tidyness of my pantry. I can alphabetize my dvd's, I can pay my bills on time (those I can afford to pay!) I can fold my towels into precise thirds and make three very even stacks. I can make my bed each morning and clean my room each evening so that when come home at night I have a peacefull oasis to retreat into. I can control those small areas of my life, and by doing so I feel calmer, safer, less frantic.

So for now, while I'm doing this whole mom thing alone, while I'm struggling in all these other areas of my life, I'm going to hold onto whatever shred of self control, financial control and environmental control I have.

It might seem silly...but it really does make me feel better.

They Love Me In That Town!

I went out with friends on Saturday night, and I won't lie - It was a total ego boost. Per the request (more of a mild demand actually) from my friend who was hosting this little shin-dig I wore my sassy leather pants.

I am normally not the girl that gets noticed in bars. Well I get looks now and then. I'm quite tall for a girl so I'm not exactly inconspicuous if you know what I mean. But even then, I NEVER, not once, not ever, have I been asked out - given anyone's number - hit on... nothing. I'm not that girl. I give off some kind of vibe that says "do not disturb" and I don't even do it on purpose. I've always thought myself to be friendly and I'm talkative.

In fact a couple weeks ago my BFF Ethel and I were discussing this and some guy standing near by says to Ethel, "your friend there is all business, she ain't interested in nobody up in this place!" lol... so I guess it's obvious I'm unavailable.

That being said... I got some very nice attention from a couple total hotties on Saturday night! And not in that gross, leering, now I feel like I need to shower way. One guy walks past me and said, "man, you look just like Winnie Cooper!" and when I asked if it was a good thing he mumbled and walked off. Okay...whatever... lol.

About 20 min. later I'm in the ladies room and this girl keeps looking at me. Finally I say hi and smile and she says, "My friend thinks you are the most beautiful woman in this bar, he can't stop talking about how much you look like Winnie Cooper!!" I told her, "oh yes, we met!" lol... so I guess it is a good thing in his book.

Later that night two guys passed behind me, one says, "mmm....very nice" and his friend taps me on the shoulder and said, "oh ya, I agree!" I got the fist bump from Ethel on that one. Two more cuties!

A few more nice comments from ladies in the bar even - telling me things like, "wow, you're just SO PRETTY!"

I don't know if it was the leather pants, a really good hair day, or maybe they just dig long legged brunettes in that town. It's Ethel's opinion that I'm happy and I was throwing off "fun, happy girl vibes" that gained me so much attention that night. But whatever it was, I can't lie. Damn it felt good!

I spent the weekend walking a little taller, smiling a little more. The auto show I worked that weekend was successful, and I feel great about my job.

I'm just in a happy place at the moment. I'm going to sit back and enjoy it for as long as possible. In one month I get my BLT for a week. I'm just going to think about that the next time I can't find something to be happy about!