I wasn't sure I would be back...

The past year brought so many good things. Amazing, soul lightening, beautiful things.
A wedding, a step daughter (so that makes FIVE daughters!) amazing growth in our business, new friends, and... A baby!!
Well not quite yet. BLT and I got married last April. It was perfect. Everything I could have dreamed of. It was intimate, romantic, colorful, and whimsical all at the same time. It may be the only wedding where Dr Seuss and Kermit the Frog were both quoted - and there was heckling and audience participation to the extent that we all laughed until we cried.
By July I was pregnant, and our little one is due just two weeks before our 1st anniversary. We are stunned to have found out recently that this little blessing is a boy. After five girls we are thrilled, but I won't lie, I'm kind of scared shitless at the idea. We have about 15 weeks until he makes his appearance and it still brings me to a halt and causes a little trickle of panic in the back of my mind if I really stop to think about it. I have no experience raising boys. I have no nephews. Dear God please don't less me screw him up.
With all the good has, naturally, come the bad. That has kept me away from my blog here more than anything I think. While sharing positive news is fun and uplifting - well the negative is harder to dwell on and to share. This Summer, at the same time our son was conceived I lost my Papa J. Even now, all these months later I'm sobbing while typing. It's a huge, gaping hole in the lives of my kids and I. It hurts. A lot. He knew he was dying and we all got to say goodbye. And then, in 24 hours, a man I loved my whole life was gone and his absence is so keenly felt I just don't have any words to adequately express what I'm feeling.
Managing and maneuvering through my own grief has been hard. Doing the same for my children has been a gut wrenching experience.
But we are here. We celebrate our victories. We still cry over our losses. There is love, and laughter, and new life around us - and we carry on.
I think I'm ready to stop hiding from it all and get back to recording what I'm feeling. It's less raw now most days.
I wanted to hold the good close and keep it private. Like a warm protective blanket. To just relish in this family BLT and I created and to selfishly keep all that joy to ourselves.
I also wanted to avoid the pain of putting into words, of seeing it in the harsh black and white on the screen, that Papa is gone. Thinking that as his life ended this new one came into being should feel like a blessing, but it doesn't. More than anything I wish he could have met his only grandson. I would have loved for my son to know the gentle, renaissance man that he will be named after. It will forever be one of my regrets. But I am ready to share the burden of that grief in some way. Perhaps doing so will help ease this broken heart I'm still carrying inside me.

Everything is on the back burner

Wedding prep came to a screetching halt.  I'm sick.  I don't mean sniffles or tummy trouble.  I mean, it's taking all my energy to sit up and type this sick.  I dealt with childhood asthma that was pretty serious while I was growing up.  Ethel visited me more than once at the hospital when my lungs would fill up with fluid.

Well some kind of cold has kicked up my asthma again big time.

I missed work every day this week.  I had to cancel my briday shower, and I had to reschedule my bridal fitting. 

BLT had to head out of town to a trade show, so I'm laying in bed being taken care of by the kids.  Poor things... this is no fun for anyone!

Keeping a secret is hard.

I finally told BLT about the surprise bachelor party I arranged for him.  It's a month earlier than I anticipated telling him - but it was still a great surprise.

One evening last week I was obsessing about the friend in the previous post who isn't coming to my bridal shower because she can't rock the boat at home.  BLT's take on it is that yes, it's upsetting, but in all honesty I should be really happy that I have friends willing to throw me a shower at all.  He said, not unkindly or with spite, "Hey doll, I'm not even having a bachelor party. All my friends are two states away, and I'm not pissed about it." And I could tell he wasn't mad, but there was a little wistful quality of regret in his voice.

It was REALLY hard not to spill the beans right there and tell him.  But I smiled sympathetically and nodded and we moved on with the conversation. I have been keeping this secret since December or January when I first decided I wanted to try and work out a surprise bachelor party for him.  I purchased his plane tickets back in January, and I got the ball rolling by contacting friends and his dad and putting the party planning in their hands.

I talked to my mom later that week and she recommended I finally tell BLT about his party.  She had several good points. 1. This way BLT can contact Fraggle's grandparents and arrange a visit while he's down there.  2. He can get his paycheck early and have spending money. 3. He can be a part of the planning to make sure that anyone I don't know, who is important to him, can attend.  and last but not least, I don't take the chance of someone else spoiling the surprise before I can tell him. 

So the other day at work I called him over and gave him the printed itinerary.  I fessed up about all my scheming and the plans I know of that are in the works.  He was very surprised.  It was awesome if I do say so myself.

Whewww... I'm glad it's out in the open now! I know his buddies are going to take care of him! I told them all I don't want any details.  It was my job to get him down there, and it's their job to make sure he comes home hung over!  Heh...  All I told BLT was that there was one rule; Don't bring home anything you plan on having for the rest of your life...  he laughed at me, but he's knows exactly what I'm saying!

Reciprocity and Priority

Reciprocity

— n , pl -ities
1. reciprocal action or relation
2. a mutual exchange of commercial or other privileges
[C18: via French from Latin reciprocus reciprocal ]

I've been thinking a bit about this fancy little word for the past few days. See, it all started because a friend of over 20 years recently informed me that she would not be able to attend my Bridal Shower because... get this...

It's a doozy...

SHE HAS TO COOK, AND CLEAN HER HOUSE, SO HER LIVE IN WASTREL OF A BOYFRIEND CAN HOST WRESTLE-MANIA THAT NIGHT.

Yes folks I am getting ditched at my Bridal Shower so her useless, a-hole of a boyfriend doesn't have to clean up his own home, or feed his own friends. Not to mention that he can't possibly manage to watch their two children while he and the Bro's are watching grown men in UnderRoos oil up and swing each other around by the crotch.

I'm sure you can tell by my pleasant tone and turn of phrase that I'm upset. I'm downright pissed to be exact. I feel really let down, and I'm just shocked that she's not going to be there for me. BLT and Ethel both knew right away what it was. It's not just disappointment at one of my oldest friends bailing out of my shower it's the fact that if the roles were revered I would move heaven and Earth to be there for her shower. I would call in favors for baby sitting if I had to. I would pay a house cleaner if it was really necessary (but really ... do you think any of those guys is giving her china cabinet the white glove once over? I highly doubt it.) And I would tell the ol' boys to order some pizza, and BYOB if they want drinks. I would NEVER blow her off for something so trivial.

And that's what hurts. It's not a priority to her. You hope that if you are a good friend, when it counts your friends will be there for you as well. In this instance there is no reciprocity and she doesn't even get that I'm insulted. Keeping that lazy, good for nothing jack-wagon from bitching at her is a higher priority than celebrating with me, my daughters, and all our nearest and dearest friends.

Honestly I'm not sure how I get over this one. Maybe it sounds silly to the rest of you? I admit that BLT doesn't think it's as big of a deal as I do - but I feel so totally insulted. I told Ethel that the next time this person invites me over to do anything I'll have to tell her that I can't attend because there is a Hillbilly Hand Fishin' marathon on TLC I just can't miss....

Frustrated,
Lucy

Adapting, Changing, Growing, Learning

It's crazy how many times I've logged into the the ol' blog here and started to put all my thoughts into words, only to have it all fizzle out.  I start out with a bang and slowly it gets convoluted and mixed up, and turns into nothing but a ramble of jubbled gobbly-goo with no message - no clear progression of thought.  And so I hit the delete key and say, "I'll try another day. " Only the next time I put fingers to keys it still doesn't produce that witty blog post I've been hoping for.

Maybe it's writers block, maybe it's that I've lost the zest for railing about the ills of my former marriage and the trials of single parenting - especially since I'm not "single" anymore in any sense of the word.  For the first time in my adult life I have a partner - and I feel totally fullfilled in that relationship.  Not too many people want to hear about your bliss.  Anger, frustration, and drunken mishaps are ever so much more amusing! :)

I don't have any funny quips about dating to share - no inside tips on couponing, tutorials on making your own homemade deodorant from baking soda and evergreen needles or home decor ideas (lets be honest, picking the socks and barbie shoes off the stairs is my method of decorating!) so I'm not sure if I have anything of any real value to write about these days.

What does one share when things are going right?  If anyone cares my wedding is in 39 days... yep...  April 28th BLT and I are tieing the ol Knot at a beautiful Bed and Breakfast location in the mountains.  I can't tell you how excited and nervous I am at the same time.  Wedding plans are progressing nicely.  Invites were mailed and RSPV's are arriving.  We even received a wedding gift in the mail - I was so surprised I squeeled! The dress is being altered as we speak, and a suit ordered for BLT.  Flower girl dresses were sewn by my mom and I.  I built a cup cake tower. We wrote our own vows.  I picked out vintage gifts for my future in laws and sisters.  And I planned a surprise bachelor party for BLT back home with his best dude friends - he has no idea! It'll be GREAT!

How about legalities? The GAL was finally appointed and finished up her report just last week.  As expected she recommends that my Ex go through a significant amount of therapy - alone and with the children later - before he's allowed any access.  So full custody and all decision making for the children stay with me.  WHEWWWW...  I assumed that would be the case, but damn it's great to see it in writing. Now we just have to go to court for the final parenting plan to be written.  Easier said than done since the X is still full on crazy as the Mad Hatter and won't agree to anything.  So the fight goes on.... and lets be honest, I fully anticipate that the fight with him will go on until my last daughter turns 18.  So a bit over ten years of dealing with his rediculous accusations, and being hauled into court on his whim. I'm still trying to navigate a relationship with my former in-laws for the sake of the kids.  It's hard, and sometimes it hurts so bad my heart breaks in a way I could never have anticipated.  I wanted to divorce the man - not the entire family system I had grown to know and love over the years.  Some days I cry a lot.  Some days I can be pragmatic and understand that everything changes and all I can do is adapt.

I guess that's the theme of this post... adapting.  The blog, like me, is having growing pains.  All around me life is changing.  I'm getting married, my kids are growing up, my X isn't growing up.  I'm navigating a new relationship with former family members.  Our company is growing and work is busier than ever (thank God!) All around me there are opportunities to either accept this new life and change, or to desperately cling to what is known and comfortable.  I'm choosing to adapt. 

And a Fraggle Makes Five!

One of the major developments during my month long blog-cation (see how I did that, mixed the word blog with vacation... oh ya... this is some FINE writing here)  was that BLT's little one, Fraggle, came to stay with us for nearly the full month.

Five kids in the house - well five GIRLS to be exact - makes for a busy, loud, drama filled house.  Everyone got along really well, don't get me wrong.  But girls are just emotional creatures, LOUD, giggling, singing, drama queens.  It worked out great though, and she slid into place as the baby of the family with very few bumps in the road. As my good friend and mother of six always jokes - "When you have another kid it's just one more box of macaroni and cheese!" Having a preschooler in the house again was fun. It's a good thing I have a giant, vintage claw foot tub though, because the three youngest ones always wanted to hop in the bubble bath together!  It gave me serious baby fever though.  I looked at BLT at one point and said... come on baby... just one more?

Poor guy looked like I asked him to re roof the house naked in a snow storm.  He was not impressed with my suggestion.  Deep down I know he's right... hell it's not even deep down.  I just plain ol' know it's not going to happen!

It was amazing having the whole family together for an extended period of time.  We are convinced now, more than ever, that once the GAL is done and we have a final parenting plan in place with my X that we'll move forward with bringing Fraggle to live with us full time.  It's the right thing to do.  Her mother is nowhere in the picture and she's primarily raised by aging grandparents. They've done a great job and are loving grandparents - but he's her daddy and the deal has always been that he would have primary custody once it was possible.  So, now it's possible.   Fraggle gets instant siblings - whom she adores, so it's a win-win situation in my opinion.

So now we've officially got our own Girls Volleyball Team - I think they need a name.  We already have the idiot pugs for mascots.  Give the girls half a chance and they'll have them in jerseys.  YIKES!

Are you there blog... It's me Lucy....

Long time no see huh?
I needed a hiatus.  I needed to get through the Holidays and the madness that post holiday fatigue bring to my life.  I needed to focus on all the GAL bullshit that's infiltrated every corner of our lives. 

The past month has brought a bit of frustration, a few tears, lots of joy, lots of fun, and LOT checked off my "to do" list.  I started the PINK method diet... go ahead and google it, I'm too lazy to link this morning.  I was told the first two weeks I was grumpy.  I don't recall being grumpy, but it's certainly  not impossible - I was going through serious caffeine withdrawal. 

There is wedding prep galore going on around the BLT & Lucy abode.  We are making tissue pomanders, getting dresses fitted, and trying to find a suit for BLT.  Mostly though we are just worrying how we'll pay for it all.  I calculated that over 45 thousand dollars, my entire life savings and a chunk borrowed from my parents, has been spent in 2 1/2 years trying to get divorced from my gun toting X and to ensure the kids safety. GAL fees are currently what is sucking me dry - and there's  no end in sight.  I have to fight to prove to the court why I shouldn't be financially responsible for HIS monitored visitation and court ordered therapy... REALLY??  No child support for two years while he's in jail for trying to shoot me and I'm responsible for his therapy? How the (insert filthy expletive here) is that even fair?   Anyway... I digress... that's a whole different post I'm sure.  For now, lets continue to catch up shall we?

Taxes are done - that's another big weight off my mind.  I'll be able to give it all to my parents to start paying back the above mentioned loan.  It's a drop in the bucket - but every bit counts, and my pride won't let me keep money - even to pay for the wedding - if I owe them.  It's just not right to buy stuff for myself if I still owe them, know what I mean? I couldn't live with myself.

So I apologize for my long absence.  I haven't read my favorite blogs even to keep up with everyone.  I've just sort of tuned out and focused all my attention on the kids, the bills, and BLT.  But I'm ready to rejoin the land of living...

Say Hi and let me know if anyone is still out there! :)

I'm THAT Auntie!

Yep, I'm THAT Auntie.  The kind that spoils your kid and sends them home.  The one that feeds them candy and chocolate milk, lets them stay up late watching Disney movies, orders pizza, and sings Katie Perry songs with them at the top of her lungs while we make chocolate chip pancakes!

No lie... my nieces love me! The three year old calls me Auntie Num-Nums. 

For my oldest niece's 12th birthday I decided that a little kid torture would be fun!  Her mom told me she needed minutes for her cell phone.  I bought a Verizon Card and wrapped it in paper, and then cardboard, and more paper, and then some corrugate, then a couple boxes, and more layers of gift wrap. 

12 layers deep!  The outside box was huge - about  3 foot square.  Every couple of layers there was a note "not done yet", "keep going", "do you feel the love?"   LOL... all the grown ups were cracking up, and she was shooting me looks that said, "YOU ARE TOTALLY NUTS!!"  It was wonderful.

The kids and I also made her a dozen candy flowers inside a candy vase.  Everything was edible and very, very cute.  She loved it!

So after sugaring her up sufficiently I went home and left my Sister In Law to deal with the messy parenting part.  Whooo Yahhh - I love love love being an Auntie.   Of course when my SIL does the same for my kids I think, for just a brief second, that payback is a bitch.  But hey...  it's our job to spoil them.  Moms and Dad's get to do the serious stuff!

Life gets in the way of all my plans

I'm sure you understand what I mean!  Isn't that the case for everyone? At least for those of us who are not independently wealthy, living a life of ease?  Where oh where is that nanny? Has anyone seen my Chef?

I was hoping to update my blog several times over the past few weeks, and each time I sat down I was inundated with things to do - wedding things, kid things, work commitments, emails, Christmas projects... you name it.

Now it's nearly Christmas, and I'm getting ready to head out of town to celebrate with BLT's family.  The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of shopping, wrapping, and packing to get gifts send UPS to the future in-laws.  Once that was accomplished I needed to focus on my niece's 12th birthday, as well as my annual holiday cookie party.

I love this time of year, but occasionally I have to remind myself that these things are supposed to be fun - they aren't supposed to be stressful.  I have to sit back, take a breath, and let some things go.  I tend to aim for perfection and beat myself up if we don't fit in every event, every party, every tradition.  As the kids have gotten older I've found it harder and harder to keep up.  This year all that stress was multiplied by the knowledge that upon our return in January we will be facing a visit from our GAL to do a home study and discuss my X with the children. She's trying to determine what their interest is in seeing him, and whether or not they are emotionally ready for that to happen.  It's an incredibly stressful idea - the thought that someone is coming into your home to interview your children, poke around, and make judgements on your abilities. 

I had wanted to go to Zoo Lights.  I wanted to get holiday portraits taken. I wanted to bring cookie baskets to our fire house. I wanted to make Christmas cards. None of those things were accomplished.  Hell, I only got a Christmas tree put up on the 16th because the Cookie Party was happening that weekend and I wanted the house to look somewhat festive! At this point I'm going to be rushing like mad for the next two days to get the four kids hair cut (to avoid looking like small homeless people when we are introduced to BLT's extended family for the first time) to finish up the laundry and pack up our bags, to deliver the idiot dogs to Ethel for doggy-sitting, packing up the car, and cleaning out the fridge so we don't leave food to go bad for the next couple weeks.

I did manage to get my snow tires installed, and get the kids to bathe the rotten dogs - which I know Ethel appreciates! 

So it appears that the Nanny has permanently run off with the Chef - so I better get to that long "to do" list before I end up even farther behind!

Lost and Found

In the past few weeks I have misplaced and/or just flat out lost...

My Kindle
My Favorite Purse
My Left Jogging Shoe
My Phone Charger
My Green Travel Mug Lid

I have found...

My Kindle
My Favorite Purse (The Kindle was Inside)
My Stack of Birthday Cards I Bought To Mail Out (didn't even know those were lost)
My Favorite Perfume For Sale.. I thought it was discontinued
The Perfect Bridesmaid Shoes

That darn phone charger and coffee lid are problematic to be sure though... and I'm really sure my jogging shoe just got shoved to the deep dark reaches under my bed.  I'll have to send a small child under there to root it out!

I am more than a bit worried however that they'll finally find my vibrator I lost six months or so ago.  After a rather fun evening with BLT that sucker has not been seen again, and I think in the heat of  the moment it fell off and then under the bed,  but I've wiggled under there as far as I can and I haven't been able to see it. 

Dang it... neither the jogging shoes, nor my toy were inexpensive...  They better turn up!

Not Feelin' that Christmas Spirit

I'm not upset.  I'm not depressed, or feeling negatively in any way about the holidays - I'm just overwhelmingly busy.  Usually I'm one of those obnoxiously happy holiday partakers who decorates her house to the nines.  The tree is up the weekend of Thanksgiving, and I've got holly hung by the front the door, stockings near the mantle, cheesy patterned Santa and reindeer pillows on the couch, a collection of nut crackers on display, and our advent calender ticking off the days towards Christmas.

This year?  Nothing yet.  We are taking the kids south to see BLT's family during Christmas, so we're leaving on the 22nd and don't plan on coming home until the new year.  I'm just not overly excited about hauling all the decorations out for two weeks of enjoyment. I even borrowed a fake tree so I don't have a fire hazard here in my living room while we are away... but it's still sitting in it's box in the middle of the floor.

I'm busy as hell at work, and I have to get all the holiday gifts wrapped ASAP and mailed down to the family so that the kids can open them Christmas morning.  I need to do laundry and pack, finish up my baking for my annual cookie exchange, figure out what to do for BLT's birthday - it's in December as well - along with your average host of holiday obligations. 

It's all fun, and I'm not Bah Humbugging any of it... but damn I'm tired.  I just don't feel like decorating this year....

His Reasoning

BLT was getting ready to head out of town.  There's a huge racing industry show in Florida we attend each year, and we've been invited to participate in a televised commercial segment of the show.  This is an amazing opportunity for our growing little company. 

BLT was given the OK by the boss lady to purchase a new pair of shoes, some slacks, and get a hair cut on the company card.  He went out on Tuesday and got himself all cleaned up.  Wheww boy, does that man shine when he's all spit and polished.  I asked him how come he got all sexy right before he was leaving me for a week.

His Oh So Male answer was, "So you'll be horny and rub your boobs all over me when I get back!"  Well... okay...  you smooth talker....

Thankful

I decided I did not have time to post a daily, "Thankful For" list.  Let's be honest, I can hardly find the time to come and post every couple of weeks.   I do however want to officially post the things that I've been blessed with this year.  I think it's important to recognize your gifts, big and small, and to acknowledge them.

Since there are thirty days in November, I'll put my top thirty blessings here, in particular order...
1. My Children
2. BLT's Love
3. My Parents Still Being Alive
4. Living in A Small Town
5. My Vintage Style Schwinn
6. Generous Landlords
7. Good Teachers
8. An Excellent Lawyer
9. Good Health
10. A Dependable Vehicle
11. Rainy Days
12. My Kindle
13. Ethel
14. Long, Slow Kisses
15. Lazy Sunday's
16. Snow Tires
17. Banana Bread
18. Handmade Gifts
19. A Kitchen with Three Ovens (yep... I'm so lucky!)
20. Being Able to Pay My Bills (even if it's just barely)
21. Faith That Everything Happens For a Reason
22. Good Friends
23. A Diligent G.A.L
24. Smart Children Who Excel in School
25. My Perfect Bed
26. Netflix
27. Wedding Plans Coming Together
28. An Excellent Job
29. Medical Insurance
30. Daisies and Tulips

Oh those wacky kids...

Having four kids in the house makes for a fun, but wildly busy and rowdy household.  About ten days ago my poor Monkey Pants had to be knocked out and have a bunch of dental work done.  One of the things they had to do was pull out both of the bottom front baby teeth.  The adult teeth had grown in behind them, a la shark style, and those little baby teeth were not coming out on their own...  so now Money Pants has a lisp.  LOL, it's the cutest thing ever.  "Momma, I love you thith muth"  Who wouldn't melt when they heard that?

A couple days ago Ethel's littlest one says to me, "Auntie, I love you."  and I tell her I love her more.  She replies, "I love you one hundred and fourteen pounds" and I say "Well that's exactly how much I weigh!" I think I actually heard Ethel snort from the kitchen while she tried to hold in the gaffaw...   shoosh you evil woman!

Last weekend my two nieces, ages four and five, spent the night.  This made six little ones in my house ranging in age from four to fourteen.  One of the wee ones found an old bell in the toy box.  At seven AM on Sunday it sounded like the Salvation Army had invaded.  OIY was that obnoxious!  Good thing they're adorably cute or I would have beaten someone with that darn bell!

My two youngest came to work with me last Friday since there was no school.  This is one of the benefits of working for your parent's company...  they let me bring the kids to crash on the couch if they're sick, or if there isn't any school for the day.  During lunch they were in the kitchen eating soup I made while leaning over the garbage can.  My mother asks them why they are leaning over the trash instead of sitting down at the table.  TNT replies, "Cause we're Hobos and we found this soup in the garbage.  Next we're gonna find CANDY!"  oooohhh kaaaay....  that kid is a weird one.  And what nine year old wants to make believe play at being a "hobo" anyway? Maybe we watched a little too much of the Occupy Wall Street news on the TV!

My youngest has a birthday on Thanksgiving day this year.  She's decided we need ice cream cake.  I better get on that! That poor kid needs a real party with some friends, and party games.  Having her birthday on Thanksgiving makes it really hard because nobody can ever come.  Maybe I should take her ice skating with a few friends the following week - that would be fun! Either way I have to come up with some way to celebrate her birthday with all the family there for Thanksgiving as well.  Maybe I'll decorate up a little "birthday girl" table with streamers and some birthday balloons in the corner. Then I'll put her wrapped presents there and when everyone arrives we'll sing a little happy birthday and let her blow out the candle on her own personal ice cream cake.  I'll make up some goodie bags for the kids and they can go off and play while we finish preparing dinner.   I'm liking this plan....  oh ETHEL...  HELP!

Are you proud of yourself?

When vising with the GAL last week I was presented with this question.  Stated very straight forwardly...

"Are you proud of yourself?"

For a moment there I just looked at Dr. Britt with what I can only assume was a bewildered look on my face.  You see we were about 2/3 of the way through our two hour meeting and I had confessed through her probing questions about the terrible mistake I made getting and staying married to an emotionally abusive man.  I had also been very honest about the affair I had two weeks before the X and I decided to get divorced.  I had told her that after my X brought that gun to my house my children and I were essentially homeless, living off the generosity of my parents and Ethel's family. 

My answer was, "No - I'm not proud of myself.  Mostly I feel foolish, and weak. I know I didn't handle things the best way possible at the end of my marriage and my children and I all suffered horribly."

Dr. Britt cut me off there and said, "No, I mean... you SHOULD be proud of yourself.  You survived  something really terrible and traumatic, and you've come out at the end of all this doing really well for yourself.  Your kids are, from everything I can gather, healthy and happy and well adjusted.  You didn't let this define you or stop you. You went on with life and built something really good for yourself and your kids.  So I ask you again.... Are you proud of yourself?"

And you know what...  I AM!  I AM PROUD OF MYSELF, MY FAMILY, MY KIDS, AND MY LIFE! Wheww...you know it feels pretty damn amazing to say that out loud.  I don't think I've ever done that before.

Long Time No Post, GAL Meeting, and Catch Up

I think I was hiding for a little while there.  I've been a bit more stressed out than normal and I kind of crawled into a little hole and hid for a week or two.  Buuuuuut.... I'm back and feeling all chipper  not entirely insane so I figured I would blog a little and work out some of the random crap floating around in my semi full noggin.

I do have to confess that I injured poor Ethel.  Last Monday I slammed the car door on her hand and busted open her finger.  It bleed EVERYWHERE.  I have no idea why she puts up with me, I swear.  Poor girl! Go ahead, I deserve a small amount of verbal flogging for being a klutz!

Also last week I  met with our GAL - I shall call her Dr. Britt.  Not because she's British mind you, but because it sort of relates to her name and she is a Dr of the PhD variety...and I just kinda dig it.  So Dr. Britt and I get together via phone the final week in October.  I had sent in 1/2 of the required payment to her and hadn't heard anything, so I called and introduced myself.  We had a short, but pleasant conversation and she forwarded some paperwork onto me by email.  I filled in out within 24 hours and emailed it back to her.  I followed up a few days later with an email letting her know when to expect the final half of the payment.  Shortly there after my X's evil lawyer calls and accuses me of standing in the way of the reunification process and actually said, "My client has behaved PERFECTLY and your client is obstructing his attempts at establishing visitation by refusing to work with the GAL.  She better get into compliance immediately or... insert random scary legal threats here"  So my lawyer contacted Dr. Britt and asked if I had been in contact and where we were in the process.  Dr. Britt replied via email that at that time I was the only one she had heard from, I was the only one who had completed my parenting worksheet, and I was the only one who had paid.  SO SUCK THAT YOU "PERFECTLY BEHAVED" JACK WAGON!  grrrr... sorry for the anger there, but jeez I hate being accused of standing in the way or being somehow responsible for his failures.  I don't need to stand in his way - he does a good enough job of screwing up on all his crazy own!

Well last week it was time for our face-to-face meeting.  It was nice to hear before hand that Dr. Britt realized this wasn't about me at all, and that interviewing me and meeting with the kids was just a formality - and that her primary job is to establish what my X's mental condition is currently and what kind of therapy, DV treatment, and possible parenting classes he will have to submit to prior to establishing some kind of reunification plan and monitored visitation set up.   So we met for two hours and discussed my history with my ex, our current living situation and  how the kids are doing.  We talked a bit about my plans for the future, and what I would need to see from the X in order to feel safe.  It was a really good meeting.  It felt amazing to hear her say that she thinks I'm a good mom, and that I'm doing a good job. 

Lots of stuff going on this week as well.  I'm heading to court on Thursday to try and get the kid's Restraining Order renewed against the X.  He is, of course, fighting it - so there have been legal shenanigans a plenty from his camp.  That's a whole post all on it's own.  The amount of absolute bull crap being flung over the fence from Capt. Crazy and his team of Legal Hooligans is freaking amazing.  Blatant, and bold lies even when we've presented the court with proof otherwise - and he clings to those crazy stories for all he's worth.  It's just laughable to some extent - but scary too.  I think he actually believes his own lies.  He's convinced himself really and truly that he's some kind of victim of the system and an evil ex wife who masterfully has manipulated police, judges, lawyers, therapists, and the family court system to screw him over.   None of this guarantees that I'll get my motion passed and get a 3rd restraining order though - so I'm trying not to focus on the "what if" scenarios too much or I'll devolve into a blubbering pile of anxiety and stress. 

This week is also my birthday.  I'm somewhere past 35 now and not yet 40.  It's pretty hideous actually, and I plan on ignoring the day as much as possible.  Although my wonderful parents did bless me with the gift of a shiny new 12 quart, restaurant quality stock pot.  I'm stoked to make some home made chili or maybe chicken and dumplings for everyone soon!

Also this week are four parent/teacher conferences, and lots of kid "stuff" going on. I think I need a vacation people!

Thankful

Today I am thankful for my family who always makes me laugh.

As they are my family, I realize that tomorrow I may not feel this way! So for today I'll live in this moment . :)

Thank God I Have a Job!

I'm not only coming from an economical standpoint either.  Of course in this economy most people who have a job are thankful for it...  This is about how much I enjoy coming to work.  I realize that I was blessed with the opportunity to stay home with my four kids for 12 years, but I thank God on a regular basis that I have a job now.  I love the schedule.  I love the responsibility.  I love the security of earning my own pay check.  I love getting to spend time with grown up people.  Working with my family is fun!

The last couple years I was home I used to joke with Ethel that I was going to light my hair on fire and run up and down my road just for something new to do.  Your house can only get so clean...  you can only attend so many PTA functions.   You can only watch so much home decorating television. At least that was the case for me.  I loved the time I could spend with my kids - hell it was even worth being married to that ass of an X I had to dedicate those years to my kids.  And I'll be honest, I really do feel like I was good at it.

I managed a large house hold pretty damn well.  I participated in my kid's schools, and we had a lot of fun! 

However I'll can't see myself ever willingly going back to being a stay at home mom.  Even if BLT and I got married and he earned the kind of money that made it possible.  I don't want to be financially dependant on anyone ever again.  I don't want to give up the social interaction, the mental stimulation, and the pleasant routine that going to work each day provides.

It's a balancing act of course.  Learning to work full time and keep my house up to the standards I'm comfortable with was a learning experience.  But in a good way I think.   Moving to the tiny town we live in certainly has helped.  There aren't a lot of the distractions available to us that some people probably deal with.   We cook our meals at home because it's less expensive, but also because we have extremely limited options near us.  We use Netflix and watch movies together at home, we walk to the library, or the store, or to friends houses because we have that option and we enjoy spending time together.  All that time at home means we make doing chores a routine. 

It's about priorities too.  I want a career AND a nice house to live in, and I feel like I've gotten that for myself. I feel really settled and blessed in that regard.  Life is good.   You can't ask for much more than that!

Okay... I regularly ask for a tree to fall on my X... but other than THAT I have what I need!

God I can be a judgemental ass sometimes

I have a confession to make. I can really be a judgemental jackass sometimes. I don't mean to, and when I catch myself doing it I try to step back and look at my judgements/assumptions/feelings more critically and kindly.  Sometimes I fail though...  it's a flaw I'm working on.

Case in point.  TNT has made a friend I'll call Baby.  Baby and her younger sister seem quite nice, very pleasant kids and they've been over before for play dates.   TNT and Monkey Pants have been to their house for play dates.  I've met Baby's mom on several occasions- and here the judgemental part of me rears it's ugly head.

See Baby's mom has facial piercings, crazy, perpetually disheveled hair, and neck tattoos.  I have no moral objection to any of these things - but I admit the pierced tongue, eyebrow, and lip really creep me out, I just REALLY dislike facial piercings.  *shudder*  The whole package just screams to me, "I MAKE BAD CHOICES!"  Baby's mom is very pleasant though.... she seems friendly and is kind to my kids.  But she gives off  haphazard party girl vibe that makes me leery.... 

Last time I dropped her girls off at her house there was a big ol' Vodka bottle propping up the garage door.  Okay....my first thought...  "lush".  Not nice, I know I know.  I backtracked and had a little talking to with myself, "hey listen, I have no idea how long they had that bottle, if it was a gift, or from a big celebration.  Don't be so quick to judge. I have no proof she drinks too much!"

On another occasion TNT was invited to stay for dinner, and when  I picked her up she mentioned casually that they had noodles.  "oh Spaghetti, or Lasagna or something like that?" I ask.  "No, just noodles and salt, sometimes at the end of the month they don't have much food in their house."   Certainly not a crime, we struggle here too, to be honest, and frequently we resort to inexpensive dinners once a week of scrambled eggs and toast, or soup and biscuits.   But the last time I was over there they had a brand new flat screen TV on the wall...  do you hear the judgemental voice I'm trying to control?  I really am trying.  It's not my business how they spend their money, but Vodka and TV's seem odd choices if you're eating plain noodles - know what I mean?

So I've promised myself that I'm going to continue to be polite, and the kids like each other so there is no reason why they can't play together.  However if money is that tight I can't let my kids eat over at her house.... they need to use their resources for their own three kids. That's only fair and right. I won't make a big deal about it, I'll just make sure if she's invited that we have something else we have to do.  That way nobody has any hurt feelings.  

In an effort to help out a little I am taking a winter coat over that my 12 year old out grew. It's too big for TNT, and Baby is much taller and broader - so while it's going to be a size or two too big I think she'll be able to use it. It's a very good quality coat. 

I am going to refuse to let my inner cynic convince me that there is something wrong here unless or until I have all the facts.  I mean, I know I'm making judgements based on appearances, and on only having a small amount of interaction with this family.  That's growth right?  Being aware of my own short coming and acting differently?

Growth...  I'm working on it....

Protests, Pre-teens, and Permission Slips

Just a few random thoughts for today...

1. I don't really have a desire to discuss politics here, but I will share that after Therapy on Tuesday night Chef and I passed three lonely little Protesters outside a tiny branch of US Bank in a residential neighborhood.  One was clearly drunk, one was looking bored, and one was yelling angry Anti-Wall Street rhetoric.  My 14 year old asks why they were there.  We had a brief discussion about the issues at hand and protesting in general.  Chef, in the very matter of fact way she sees the world says, "So somehow drinking in front of a closed bank at nine o'clock at night is going to get you a job?  What is wrong with people... go home...  Oh, and why was his sign so ugly? I mean, he obviously has time on his hands. Couldn't he make a nicer sign?" 

I guess when you're 14 the aesthetics of your message are as important as the message itself, *giggle*  and she does have a bit of a point.  Manning a protest of three (well really 2 and a half since the one dude was so obviously more interested in whatever was in the brown paper bottle he was swiggin' than the injustices of the world) outside a teeny tiny bank in the middle of nowhere isn't going to accomplish much.

2.  I got a call at work today.  It was a cacophony of screaming and squealing.  See... Thing 1 had hidden a book from Thing 2.  Thing 2 wanted said book, as well as to raid Thing 1's herb supply.  Why?  Well obviously is was because Thing 2 intended to perform some kind of magical spell...  ??.... confused? Yes I was too.  Thing 1 apparently tackled Thing 2 during the whole bizarre exchange and embarrassed Thing 2 in front of a friend. 

My answer... "Are you on fire? No... okay.  Are you being abducted?  No... well that's good.   Now go do your homework. Stay out of the freaking Oregano, clean your room, and when that's done you can log onto Netflix and find some movie with teen aged vampires sucking on each other. Don't call me back unless it's an actual emergency.  LOOOOOVE YOU!!!"

3. Can someone explain to me why my four kids wait until I'm leaving for work to all bombard me with papers to sign?  I ask the night before.  I swear I do, and nobody needs me for anything.  But by the light of day - and at the point that my car is started and I've got one foot out the door - suddenly everyone need a permission slip to go to the petting zoo, their reading log signed, or a note to excuse them from swimming because my teen aged daughter is under the impression that tampons are the work of the devil. 

Some days I just wonder if I'm the only one with a life like this....