I've decided I'm doing nothing productive this weekend. I've spent every single day,even the weekends doing something ever since BLT moved in a couple months ago. We've done housework, yard work, gone into the office, hosted dinners, entertained family. We've babysat nieces, ran a thousand errands, taxied kids to hell and back, and I am completely, and totally exhausted.
I've been running on empty for days - forcing myself out of bed. Moving slow, feeling weak, and desperately in need of some extra sleep and relaxation.
So my yard that needs maintenance can wait.
My laundry can wait.
The removal of wallpaper, and repainting the bathroom can wait.
I'm not running anyone to the mall, the movies, to friends, or to the lake.
I'm not cleaning house, cooking elaborate meals, going out with friends, or going into work.
I'm going to lay here. I'm going to read my favorite blogs and decorating magazines. I'm going to take a long bath, and work up the energy to play Little Big Planet. I MAY decide to get dressed, but it's unlikely.
I'm not going to answer my phone, my email, or check my text message.
I think I'll start right now with a morning nap in the sun....
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I'm Growing...
BTL asked me if he could hang a framed concert poster in our bedroom. It's one of his favorite things. A vintage Bowie poster he's had forever.
The old me would say, "what about my shabby chic decor screams David Bowie to you?"
The new me, the one that loves him dearly and wants him in my life says, "of course baby, where do you want to put it?"
It's gonna look GREAT with my black and white photograph of the Eiffel Tower and my vintage framed needlepoint roses, lol...but I'm keeping this sentiment to myself.
Baby steps.... baby steps....
The old me would say, "what about my shabby chic decor screams David Bowie to you?"
The new me, the one that loves him dearly and wants him in my life says, "of course baby, where do you want to put it?"
It's gonna look GREAT with my black and white photograph of the Eiffel Tower and my vintage framed needlepoint roses, lol...but I'm keeping this sentiment to myself.
Baby steps.... baby steps....
Monday, July 19, 2010
Is Divorce Contagious?
I'm starting to wonder if marriage is like sex; you know, the first time isn't very good - but once you get the hang of it then it's pretty amazing.
It seems that EVERYWHERE I look friends and family members are getting divorced. My cousin is calling it quits after a year of prayer, and church based counseling. They've been married 13 years.
Another friend from high school just shared that her husband left her for a freaking 21 year old. I mean really? What in the world does a man in his late 30's have in common with a 21 year old Barista? There was some back and forth, but in the end she's filing for divorce. She's in the early stages where it's mostly just sad and scary. She'll move into angry soon, but I'm not sure that's better. All I could tell her was yes, it is sad and stressful. Yes it is scary. But a year from now it'll all be over, and you'll be moving onto bigger and better things in your life.
Some friends on the outskirts of my social group have divorced and are in a bitter custody battle. They always seemed happy when I saw them at parties and social gatherings.
My former sister in law is a second time divorcee. She's angry, bitter, and resentful. I don't want to end up like her. I'm terrified of ending up being bitter and alone. She just oozes disappointment from every pore, and she wonders why she can't find a man. The problem is she's totally closed off her heart - she claims all she wants is casual sex. No dating, no meeting each others friends or family. While you would think guys would jump at the chance... nope... it's no fun hanging out with someone who so obviously hates her life right now. Plus I think it's just an excuse to avoid getting close to anyone.
Honestly most of the people I know who are married aren't happy. They go through the motions. Or they've just accepted their "fate" and they don't feel like starting over. Or like Fred and Ethel, there's issues there, but there are so many other things on their plate that working on their marriage has to fall to the back burner for now. The problems are still there - they are just simmering under the surface.
The only people I know who are happily married, or happy in their committed relationship are those that are remarried, or dating after divorce. My friends B & C are really committed and happy. They have all sorts of amazing adventures, they are so sweet together, they are considerate and share interests. I want their kind of marriage were I to ever do it again. What they have is special. They work at it. B was divorced and met C online. They had a long distance relationship for about a year before C moved here and they've been together over 11 years now. It's really beautiful to see them together. My parents are going on 34 years this winter. It's my mother's 2nd marriage. BLT's dad and step-mom have this amazingly sweet relationship, and it's a pleasure to watch them together. This is his father's 3rd marriage, and her 2nd marriage.
I guess I just wonder if we set ourselves up for disappointment and failure by marrying too early. It seems that all these people (myself included) got married at 19 or 20, or even in their early 20's. Are we allowing ourselves to be pressured to get married instead of just living together? Do we do ourselves a disservice by not allowing ourselves to mature a little before we decide exactly what we need and want in a life long partner? Do people who stay together do so because they're happy...or simply because they refuse to get divorced for whatever reason? Is it possible to be happy with one person for your whole adult life?
I hope divorce isn't contagious. I hope that I'm just more aware of it now since I've gone through it so recently. I believe in love. I want to think that there is someone out there for everyone. I want to believe that happily ever after is possible.
It seems that EVERYWHERE I look friends and family members are getting divorced. My cousin is calling it quits after a year of prayer, and church based counseling. They've been married 13 years.
Another friend from high school just shared that her husband left her for a freaking 21 year old. I mean really? What in the world does a man in his late 30's have in common with a 21 year old Barista? There was some back and forth, but in the end she's filing for divorce. She's in the early stages where it's mostly just sad and scary. She'll move into angry soon, but I'm not sure that's better. All I could tell her was yes, it is sad and stressful. Yes it is scary. But a year from now it'll all be over, and you'll be moving onto bigger and better things in your life.
Some friends on the outskirts of my social group have divorced and are in a bitter custody battle. They always seemed happy when I saw them at parties and social gatherings.
My former sister in law is a second time divorcee. She's angry, bitter, and resentful. I don't want to end up like her. I'm terrified of ending up being bitter and alone. She just oozes disappointment from every pore, and she wonders why she can't find a man. The problem is she's totally closed off her heart - she claims all she wants is casual sex. No dating, no meeting each others friends or family. While you would think guys would jump at the chance... nope... it's no fun hanging out with someone who so obviously hates her life right now. Plus I think it's just an excuse to avoid getting close to anyone.
Honestly most of the people I know who are married aren't happy. They go through the motions. Or they've just accepted their "fate" and they don't feel like starting over. Or like Fred and Ethel, there's issues there, but there are so many other things on their plate that working on their marriage has to fall to the back burner for now. The problems are still there - they are just simmering under the surface.
The only people I know who are happily married, or happy in their committed relationship are those that are remarried, or dating after divorce. My friends B & C are really committed and happy. They have all sorts of amazing adventures, they are so sweet together, they are considerate and share interests. I want their kind of marriage were I to ever do it again. What they have is special. They work at it. B was divorced and met C online. They had a long distance relationship for about a year before C moved here and they've been together over 11 years now. It's really beautiful to see them together. My parents are going on 34 years this winter. It's my mother's 2nd marriage. BLT's dad and step-mom have this amazingly sweet relationship, and it's a pleasure to watch them together. This is his father's 3rd marriage, and her 2nd marriage.
I guess I just wonder if we set ourselves up for disappointment and failure by marrying too early. It seems that all these people (myself included) got married at 19 or 20, or even in their early 20's. Are we allowing ourselves to be pressured to get married instead of just living together? Do we do ourselves a disservice by not allowing ourselves to mature a little before we decide exactly what we need and want in a life long partner? Do people who stay together do so because they're happy...or simply because they refuse to get divorced for whatever reason? Is it possible to be happy with one person for your whole adult life?
I hope divorce isn't contagious. I hope that I'm just more aware of it now since I've gone through it so recently. I believe in love. I want to think that there is someone out there for everyone. I want to believe that happily ever after is possible.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Well that was an unwelcome surprise!
I go to the Dr. today to get my Depo shot, and low and behold they inform me that I need a pap... nice. I didn't realize when I made the appointment I was signing on to be poked, prodded and invaded by cold, foreign objects while wearing a paper dress.
For craps sake I didn't even shower people! I mean, I showered the night before, but you know how it is... when you know someones going to be wrist deep in your girly parts you make sure you're spring fresh beforehand!!!
Now that I've been violated by a perfect stranger I think I'll use the rest of my weight watchers points for the day and have myself a beer and a skinny cow truffle bar... because damn it, I deserve it! (said in my best bat shit crazy Mel Gibson voice)
For craps sake I didn't even shower people! I mean, I showered the night before, but you know how it is... when you know someones going to be wrist deep in your girly parts you make sure you're spring fresh beforehand!!!
Now that I've been violated by a perfect stranger I think I'll use the rest of my weight watchers points for the day and have myself a beer and a skinny cow truffle bar... because damn it, I deserve it! (said in my best bat shit crazy Mel Gibson voice)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Good News / Bad News / No News
1. Good News: X is totally, 100% unable to sue me. First of all his lawyers filed a notice that they are no longer representing him - and since he's out of money, he no longer has his 500.00 per hour bulldogs to do his bidding from jail Second, since the kids are still protected by a no contact order I am under absolutely no obligation to tell him anything... so go suck an egg Mr. X!! If you want to make my life difficult from prison you'll have to beg, borrow, or steal another retainer, hire another law firm, and start from scratch. Since you're possibly the laziest creature that ever walked this planet I'm not going to loose sleep over your threats any longer!
2. Bad News: I gained WAY more weight that I was thinking. Three years ago I lost nearly 60 lbs using the Weight Watchers system, and I kept it off really well until my life went to shit a year ago. I've gained back 21 lbs, and I'm not happy about it. So back to WW I go. I knew all my clothes were too tight, but holy shit, I didn't realize I gained that much.
Tracking today has kept me honest, and here I am after dinner with 6 pts left for the day, which means I can have my beloved light popcorn or maybe a little low fat ice cream later when I'm watching TV with BLT and I get the munchies.
3. No News: Still no word about the 401K funds. My lawyer is looking into it for me, and I just have to be patient and let her do her job. Ugh... I suck at the whole patience thing.
2. Bad News: I gained WAY more weight that I was thinking. Three years ago I lost nearly 60 lbs using the Weight Watchers system, and I kept it off really well until my life went to shit a year ago. I've gained back 21 lbs, and I'm not happy about it. So back to WW I go. I knew all my clothes were too tight, but holy shit, I didn't realize I gained that much.
Tracking today has kept me honest, and here I am after dinner with 6 pts left for the day, which means I can have my beloved light popcorn or maybe a little low fat ice cream later when I'm watching TV with BLT and I get the munchies.
3. No News: Still no word about the 401K funds. My lawyer is looking into it for me, and I just have to be patient and let her do her job. Ugh... I suck at the whole patience thing.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Our sexy, swanky weekend
I've been trying to think of something special to do for BLT. He is a musician, and a huge Sinatra fan, so when I heard Steve Tyrell was playing at Jazz Alley I knew I had to get tickets. His bio listed him as "a Grammy award winning, Sinatra-esque style" performer.
What a PERFECT evening. The music was amazing, and the venue so intimate and sexy it was impossible not to leave there feeling romantic. Dim lights, small tables set around the stage, amazing food and wines, impeccable service, and a cool jazz club vibe that lent itself to hushed conversation and long, knowing glances.
There wasn't a bad seat in the house, but we lucked out and got the best seats available in my opinion. We ended up center stage, four tables back from the stage. Not so close you had to crane your neck to watch, but close enough to feel like he was singing to you alone. There wasn't anything distracting or tacky going on either. Just a stage with a mic, a base player, guitarist, and a pianist on a baby grand piano. Intimate is really the only word to describe it.
We enjoyed our drinks and dinner before the show, then shared a decadent chocolate dessert during the performance. Afterwards we walked back to our hotel in the warm night air, taking our time and holding hands. Just sort of lingering in the moment. When we got back BLT gave me a special gift he picked out for me. Small, lovely ruby stud earrings. Nothing extravagant, it's not his style - but something beautiful and special that he picked out just for me. He knows me so well, and I adore them.
We spent the rest of the evening, and into the early morning hours loving each other, making promises and saying, with words and without, all the things we needed to say. We slept in late, walked to our favorite cafe for breakfast and headed back into town to get the kids.
I don't think I've ever had such an amazing weekend. It was everything I was hoping for, and I can't think of anyone I would rather have shared the experience with.
What a PERFECT evening. The music was amazing, and the venue so intimate and sexy it was impossible not to leave there feeling romantic. Dim lights, small tables set around the stage, amazing food and wines, impeccable service, and a cool jazz club vibe that lent itself to hushed conversation and long, knowing glances.
There wasn't a bad seat in the house, but we lucked out and got the best seats available in my opinion. We ended up center stage, four tables back from the stage. Not so close you had to crane your neck to watch, but close enough to feel like he was singing to you alone. There wasn't anything distracting or tacky going on either. Just a stage with a mic, a base player, guitarist, and a pianist on a baby grand piano. Intimate is really the only word to describe it.
We enjoyed our drinks and dinner before the show, then shared a decadent chocolate dessert during the performance. Afterwards we walked back to our hotel in the warm night air, taking our time and holding hands. Just sort of lingering in the moment. When we got back BLT gave me a special gift he picked out for me. Small, lovely ruby stud earrings. Nothing extravagant, it's not his style - but something beautiful and special that he picked out just for me. He knows me so well, and I adore them.
We spent the rest of the evening, and into the early morning hours loving each other, making promises and saying, with words and without, all the things we needed to say. We slept in late, walked to our favorite cafe for breakfast and headed back into town to get the kids.
I don't think I've ever had such an amazing weekend. It was everything I was hoping for, and I can't think of anyone I would rather have shared the experience with.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Romantic Getaway
Tomorrow I'm dropping the kids off at my former in laws house for an overnight visit. BLT and I will be going to Jazz Alley to have dinner and see a "Sinatra-esque" style, grammy award winning singer. BLT loves him some Sinatra, and this is a nice swanky place for a date. I've picked up a pretty, strapless dress on clearance to wear, and something a tad naughty to go underneath it. I think he'll approve ;)
I booked us a hotel room a few blocks away, so we can both have a few drinks and not worry about who's driving home. Plus, home is about two hours away, and I didn't relish the long drive late at night.
Now we can stroll back to the hotel in the warm night air, undress each other and have some lovely hotel sex...yummy!
I booked us a hotel room a few blocks away, so we can both have a few drinks and not worry about who's driving home. Plus, home is about two hours away, and I didn't relish the long drive late at night.
Now we can stroll back to the hotel in the warm night air, undress each other and have some lovely hotel sex...yummy!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
He Blew My Mind!!
Alrighty folks, disclaimer time. This post is about sex, so leave now if you don't want the nitty gritty details....
BLT rocked my world yesterday on several levels. We've had a sex hiatus for the past several days. It seems that our twice daily sex fest (seriously we can't get enough of each other) since he moved in has left him a wee bit chapped.
I've always had a healthy sexual appetite - but I put my needs and desires on the back burner with my X. We just weren't compatible. BLT and I have this amazing chemistry. The way he smells turns me on. The way he looks at me, licks my shoulder, pulls my hair back and runs his finger down the side of my neck... every little move, every look. He just does it for me, big time.
BLT came home last night, took my laptop and set it aside. He knows me - he knows I've been horny as hell the past few days, and frustrated about the situation with the X. He didn't say a word, he pulled me close and kissed me like I've never been kissed before. It was all heat and pressure. Teeth and tongues, and intensity and the perfect amount of moisture... god I hate a sloppy kisser.
That perfect kiss made it way all over my body. Leaving me shaky and so badly in need of release I was in agony - but that good kind of pleasure-pain that's so delicious it's hard to describe. BLT did not leave me suffering long. We had the most earth shattering oral sex I've ever experienced. And the shocker was that it was all for my benefit. He had no agenda, he wasn't trying to get anything out of me.
When I finally caught my breath, BLT pulled me close and held me. He played with my hair, in that way that gives me goosebumps. He just held me and let me fall asleep on his chest. We didn't have to fill the space with empty words. It was just comfortable and perfect.
It was sweet and sexy as hell. I've never had anyone who was so in tune with what I need, and who so willingly and eagerly met those needs without me even asking. God I love this man.
We're going away for a romantic weekend Saturday and Sunday. I can't wait to reciprocate, and blow his mind a little in return. Woo Hooo... that's totally a win-win situation!
BLT rocked my world yesterday on several levels. We've had a sex hiatus for the past several days. It seems that our twice daily sex fest (seriously we can't get enough of each other) since he moved in has left him a wee bit chapped.
I've always had a healthy sexual appetite - but I put my needs and desires on the back burner with my X. We just weren't compatible. BLT and I have this amazing chemistry. The way he smells turns me on. The way he looks at me, licks my shoulder, pulls my hair back and runs his finger down the side of my neck... every little move, every look. He just does it for me, big time.
BLT came home last night, took my laptop and set it aside. He knows me - he knows I've been horny as hell the past few days, and frustrated about the situation with the X. He didn't say a word, he pulled me close and kissed me like I've never been kissed before. It was all heat and pressure. Teeth and tongues, and intensity and the perfect amount of moisture... god I hate a sloppy kisser.
That perfect kiss made it way all over my body. Leaving me shaky and so badly in need of release I was in agony - but that good kind of pleasure-pain that's so delicious it's hard to describe. BLT did not leave me suffering long. We had the most earth shattering oral sex I've ever experienced. And the shocker was that it was all for my benefit. He had no agenda, he wasn't trying to get anything out of me.
When I finally caught my breath, BLT pulled me close and held me. He played with my hair, in that way that gives me goosebumps. He just held me and let me fall asleep on his chest. We didn't have to fill the space with empty words. It was just comfortable and perfect.
It was sweet and sexy as hell. I've never had anyone who was so in tune with what I need, and who so willingly and eagerly met those needs without me even asking. God I love this man.
We're going away for a romantic weekend Saturday and Sunday. I can't wait to reciprocate, and blow his mind a little in return. Woo Hooo... that's totally a win-win situation!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
You've got to be kidding me...
According to a reliable source my bat shit crazy ex husband is now going to try and sue me for contempt of court. Apparently he feels that since he hasn't lost his parental rights I'm in contempt for not telling him where the girls are living, going to school and daycare.
The problem I have... well okay, there are many... but lets start with the fact that if he finds out where THEY are, then he finds out where I am. Since he attempted to shoot me, and I have a five year no contact order I'm thinking I don't have to inform him of shit. Also, as of right now the kids are still on an order of protection. He's not even allowed near their school or day care...so this all stinks of just being another attempt to cost me legal fees I don't have and punish me any way he can.
Who knows if his nearly as crazy mother will finance this new little bit of insanity. I'm thinking I have a fifty-fifty shot she'll say no. He pretty much bankrupted her with his uber expensive defense lawyer who got him his cherry of a deal and then his ridiculously expensive divorce lawyer that pretty much did nothing, but sucked his mother's bank account dry and keep him from loosing everything but the prison issue underwear he's using.
On a related, but slightly different topic. I've as of yet still not heard a word from f'ing Prudential who holds the 401K funds. I was awarded 85% of those funds, and it said in the divorce papers that they were required to contact me "in a timely manner" to let me know how to get those funds. No contact yet via phone, mail, email or through my lawyer. So I have no clue what to do.
I don't have any phone or account numbers to reference and I'm pretty sure I can't just call Prudential up and say "hey, twat waffle...where's my money?" although that would be just a wee bit satisfying, if juvenile. If I can't get those funds I have no idea how I'm going to buy school clothes for all four kids, plus supplies, back packs, winter coats, shoes etc. Without any child support I can barely just squeak by paying my bills and covering rent etc. Those kinds of extras just aren't in the budget.
So... life marches forward. Just a little more crazy today than yesterday. But honestly at this point I should expect these things to pop up from time to time. For the next 13 years I'm going to have to deal with Capt. Crazypants and whatever ridiculous way he can come up with to make my life difficult. God help me I hope I don't end up on an episode of Snapped one day.
The problem I have... well okay, there are many... but lets start with the fact that if he finds out where THEY are, then he finds out where I am. Since he attempted to shoot me, and I have a five year no contact order I'm thinking I don't have to inform him of shit. Also, as of right now the kids are still on an order of protection. He's not even allowed near their school or day care...so this all stinks of just being another attempt to cost me legal fees I don't have and punish me any way he can.
Who knows if his nearly as crazy mother will finance this new little bit of insanity. I'm thinking I have a fifty-fifty shot she'll say no. He pretty much bankrupted her with his uber expensive defense lawyer who got him his cherry of a deal and then his ridiculously expensive divorce lawyer that pretty much did nothing, but sucked his mother's bank account dry and keep him from loosing everything but the prison issue underwear he's using.
On a related, but slightly different topic. I've as of yet still not heard a word from f'ing Prudential who holds the 401K funds. I was awarded 85% of those funds, and it said in the divorce papers that they were required to contact me "in a timely manner" to let me know how to get those funds. No contact yet via phone, mail, email or through my lawyer. So I have no clue what to do.
I don't have any phone or account numbers to reference and I'm pretty sure I can't just call Prudential up and say "hey, twat waffle...where's my money?" although that would be just a wee bit satisfying, if juvenile. If I can't get those funds I have no idea how I'm going to buy school clothes for all four kids, plus supplies, back packs, winter coats, shoes etc. Without any child support I can barely just squeak by paying my bills and covering rent etc. Those kinds of extras just aren't in the budget.
So... life marches forward. Just a little more crazy today than yesterday. But honestly at this point I should expect these things to pop up from time to time. For the next 13 years I'm going to have to deal with Capt. Crazypants and whatever ridiculous way he can come up with to make my life difficult. God help me I hope I don't end up on an episode of Snapped one day.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
He makes me fall in love with him all over again
I'm not sure how he does it. Watching him hold my child in his arms next to the fire on the fourth of July touched a place in my heart that's been asleep for a long time. Wispering in her ear, making her giggle, letting her snuggle into his chest until she falls asleep, carrying her upstairs and tucking her in as though she were the most precious of creatures....
How do I not love a man like that?
How do I not love a man like that?
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Men and Woman Do NOT Speak the Same Language!
Wow... maybe that whole "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing has some merit. Last night on the drive home from work BLT says that he's thinking of taking a drive. From there on we had an evening that was one big, giant miscommunication.
As I mentioned he was acting like some kind of bug flew up his ass, and he was short with the kids and with me. I went to the store, he apparently came upstairs and took a nap. Once I got home and got the kids fed he came down and said he was going to get a beer.
That turned into him disappearing for two hours, no call, no nothing. I jumped to the conclusion that he was unhappy. I took his disappearance and his mood personally. All the signs I were reading lead me to believe I had done something wrong and he was angry with me, or the kids, or simple just regretting his decision to move here with us.
In man land he felt like he had already told me he wanted a drive, so when he went for a beer he decided to drive for awhile first. He didn't turn on his phone because the point of a long drive for him is to be left alone so he can decompress and work stuff out in his head. It didn't occur to him that I was sitting at home wondering if he hit a deer and was in a ditch someplace, or that he found some hot little (childless) thing to spend the evening with and he was trying to figure out how to tell me he wasn't coming home! (Insecurity is NOT sexy, I know this. Trust me, I hate myself for feeling this way from time to time...)
I think part of my insecurity about BLT deciding I'm not worth it comes from my X. When we were splitting he asked me if I knew what I wanted. I told him I wanted someone who was happy with his life, who was interesting and fun, and had a rich life he wanted to share with me... not someone who needed me to make him happy. My X looked at me and said, "why would someone like that want to share their life with YOU?" and you know what, that was the way he always made me feel. He never made me feel smart, or sexy, or worthwhile. It's like he wanted me feel thankful that he was willing to put up with me despite my shortcomings. There's a part of me, no matter how hard I try, that still feels like that sometimes. Like I'm not smart enough, or funny enough, or sexy enough for BLT to stick around.
So he comes home, sees me seething at my computer and asks me what's wrong. He's honestly confused, which kind of just makes me more upset. So I do that girl thing... I say, "nothing, everything is just fine" but I don't mean it, and he knows it.
Long story short... after about an hour of conversation he explains his side, I tell him I can't take it if he just disappears, he has to tell me, give me a basic timeline like; "Baby, I'm going for a drive to cool off, I'll be back in an hour or two. Don't worry if I don't answer my phone." I can deal with that, I can understand a need to be alone. I won't worry if I know you're coming home soon.
I explained my fears, he held me. He said the right things... he always says the right things. He loves me, he likes the kids. It's just an adjustment for him and he needs some quiet. He's used to being alone, and this is a busy, noisy house...something very new for him. He apologized and we both promised to be better at communicating with each other. The only thing he asked of me was that I never say things are fine when they aren't.
He would rather have me yell at him than be fake. I can deal with that.
As I mentioned he was acting like some kind of bug flew up his ass, and he was short with the kids and with me. I went to the store, he apparently came upstairs and took a nap. Once I got home and got the kids fed he came down and said he was going to get a beer.
That turned into him disappearing for two hours, no call, no nothing. I jumped to the conclusion that he was unhappy. I took his disappearance and his mood personally. All the signs I were reading lead me to believe I had done something wrong and he was angry with me, or the kids, or simple just regretting his decision to move here with us.
In man land he felt like he had already told me he wanted a drive, so when he went for a beer he decided to drive for awhile first. He didn't turn on his phone because the point of a long drive for him is to be left alone so he can decompress and work stuff out in his head. It didn't occur to him that I was sitting at home wondering if he hit a deer and was in a ditch someplace, or that he found some hot little (childless) thing to spend the evening with and he was trying to figure out how to tell me he wasn't coming home! (Insecurity is NOT sexy, I know this. Trust me, I hate myself for feeling this way from time to time...)
I think part of my insecurity about BLT deciding I'm not worth it comes from my X. When we were splitting he asked me if I knew what I wanted. I told him I wanted someone who was happy with his life, who was interesting and fun, and had a rich life he wanted to share with me... not someone who needed me to make him happy. My X looked at me and said, "why would someone like that want to share their life with YOU?" and you know what, that was the way he always made me feel. He never made me feel smart, or sexy, or worthwhile. It's like he wanted me feel thankful that he was willing to put up with me despite my shortcomings. There's a part of me, no matter how hard I try, that still feels like that sometimes. Like I'm not smart enough, or funny enough, or sexy enough for BLT to stick around.
So he comes home, sees me seething at my computer and asks me what's wrong. He's honestly confused, which kind of just makes me more upset. So I do that girl thing... I say, "nothing, everything is just fine" but I don't mean it, and he knows it.
Long story short... after about an hour of conversation he explains his side, I tell him I can't take it if he just disappears, he has to tell me, give me a basic timeline like; "Baby, I'm going for a drive to cool off, I'll be back in an hour or two. Don't worry if I don't answer my phone." I can deal with that, I can understand a need to be alone. I won't worry if I know you're coming home soon.
I explained my fears, he held me. He said the right things... he always says the right things. He loves me, he likes the kids. It's just an adjustment for him and he needs some quiet. He's used to being alone, and this is a busy, noisy house...something very new for him. He apologized and we both promised to be better at communicating with each other. The only thing he asked of me was that I never say things are fine when they aren't.
He would rather have me yell at him than be fake. I can deal with that.
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