Craptastic

I'm feeling a little blue tonight. I was watching some chick flick and I've come to realize why these feel good, girly movies make me feel exactly the opposite. I feel like shit. Why? Because the last thing I want to see is some guy who loves his kids and steps up and is all excited about being married and/or being a daddy...or whatever.

I have this intense guilt over the fact that I didn't end it sooner with my X. If I had just grown a pair and left when I knew it wasn't going to work I would only have the older two kids (not that I don't adore all of my children, that's not it at all), not four kids brought into this world with a man who didn't give a crap. A man who didn't know who their dentist was, or what the name of their school teachers were. A man who told his children I was a whore, and how they should kill themselves if he didn't come home the night he tried to shoot me.

I had a horrible day to begin with. I didn't sleep well, the dogs took a crap in my car when I took them for a ride, BLT and Lady Bug are both sick, my power steering went out on my car, the kids were not nearly appreciative enough of the dinner I spent over an hour making for them, and to top it all off I feel F-A-T. I haven't had sex in a few days... that doesn't help.

So add to it all a "feel good" movie where some guy picks up his baby daughter, looking into the mother's eyes and they all profess this undying love for eachother and I just feel like a loser. I total failure as a wife and mother... I just feel craptastic in general.

I'm going to go to bed. I realize that tomorrow is a new day. I new chance to show my kids I love them. I new opportunity to do something for myself that'll make me feel good... like taking my car to the shop and emptying my savings account to get it fixed.

The end of the beginning....

This is one of my very favorite Churchill quotes:

"This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

My best buddy Ethel is going through a lot right now. Her financial situation is dismal, her marriage is under strain, she's moving to a whole new town, she was laid off. There are so many things she's dealing with, and I feel powerless to help her in any significant way. This quote makes me think about her situation. Even with all the negative things in her life, I know she'll come out okay in the end. I know she's going to struggle...but in the end, this will be a new beginning for her family. A new house. A new job. A chance to change their financial problems around and become fiscally stable. It's a chance to worry less about house repairs and late bills and put that effort into rediscovering all the reasons she and her Mister love each other. I really want the very best for all of them. I want this to be a new beginning.

On another hand this quote speaks to me because I feel like I'm coming to the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to all my personal drama. I'm really happy... in some ways happier than I've ever been before. But not in a giddy sort of way - more in a comfortable, content way. I feel so loved and I am so happy having BLT here with the kids and I. In a way there is this sense of guilt over being so happy when Ethel is struggling so much. She is the person I share all my triumphs and struggles with, and yet she's the one person I don't want to burden with my problems - or feel like I'm rubbing my recent good fortune in her face. I would never want her to feel like that. I love her like family.

It amazes me how life plays out. The twists and turns that bring us to the brink of collapse, and pull us back to stability in a never ending ebb and flow of fortune, both good and bad. How small decisions we make effect not only our lives, but the lives of so many around us. All I can hope is that this is a new beginning for all of us, and that bigger, better, more beautiful things are on the horizon.

YouTube - Alison Krauss - When You Say Nothing At All

YouTube - Alison Krauss - When You Say Nothing At All

This is one of my favorite songs, it so totally sums up how I feel about BLT these days. I'm feeling all mushy and girly today.

Words of Wisdom... and Capt. Crazy Town

Ethel sent me an email a few days ago and this was at the bottom: Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile...

I love that! It's so true, and it really speaks to me today. I'm struggling with nearly all of those. Forgiveness? Not happening today. I'm working on the kissing, the loving and the laughing however.

I went to court, all scrubbed clean and ready to be DIVORCED! And I'm not... it was a total joke. First of all I had to read over the settlement and sign it.

Okay, here's the thing. I made an offer to try and avoid going to court. He absolutely refused. His mommy cut the purse strings. He made me the exact same offer, with one tiny addition. I accepted. My lawyer drafted up the paperwork. He refused to sign because he didn't like the way the dates were formatted, how we described the crime he plead guilty to, and a few other ridiculous things. I pay my lawyer to re-draft and resubmit. He signs, but can't send back the paperwork w/o a "special D.O.C. envelope" which we find out is total bull shit. He sends the paperwork in - but he didn't sign all the areas. We pitch a fit at the continued delays (this whole process has taken place over several months) and his lawyer signs for him and returns the papers... FINALLY!

I drive three hours to sign the paperwork, and low and behold he's scribbled notes in the margins. His crime is described as: Harassment with a fire arm, domestic violence against the wife. He scribbled out the words "against the wife" and wrote in "against himself" REALLY? WTF?? He's still sitting in jail believing that he didn't do anything wrong. He's convinced himself and his family that he came to my house, blocked in my car, locked me in, loaded a gun while pointing it at my head and said, "this won't take long"... and he was there to commit suicide. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. He accepts no responsibility - AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHY HE IS STILL REALLY, REALLY DANGEROUS TO ME!! He still believes to this day that I lied, and if I would just tell everyone he was only there to kill himself he wouldn't have to be in prison. WTF is this man's problem? He's a total whack-a-doodle.

So after our good laugh at the fact that the man thinks he plead guilty to domestic violence against himself I continue reading...

Under the section where we divide our meager assets he writes in "except for the washer and dryer, which are on loan from the husband to the wife." Again...WTF?? What does he need with a washer and dryer... in prison? The man doesn't even know how to do his own laundry! When he gets out he's moving in with Mommy. I have the four kids, I need the washer. The only reason he wants it is that he knows it's a 2000.00 dollar set and I don't have the money (you know, being a single mom with four kids and no child support) to buy anything as nice. I LOVE that huge Maytag set, it washes 22 towels or 16 pairs of jeans. Basically I can get all the kids stuff done each week. If I don't have a super sized set I'll never be able to keep up with the laundry.... he knows this... Jackass!!

So fine, I'll give him the washer and dryer. It's not on "loan" for craps sake, but whatever. I'll save up for the next nine months and try to buy one. Then I'll leave this set out in the rain in the back yard until he sends a moving company to pick it up. Maybe I'll toss a nice salmon inside it to rot for good measure.

See...that makes me laugh! But the forgiveness? Not gonna happen any time soon.

D Day

Tomorrow is the day, the big "D" will be finalized. I have to be in court by ten am... and the court is three hours away with rush hour traffic, so I get to haul my rear end out of bed at the butt crack of dawn.

What's weird is that I'm not feeling anything remarkable tonight. I'm not nervous, I'm not excited, I'm not worried about seeing the X (no idea if he'll arrange to be there or not, coordinating court visits when you're in prison is very difficult), I'm not feeling anything to be honest. It's like, I don't know... just another day I guess.

Is that weird? I mean, shouldn't I feel SOMETHING? Scared, worried, sad, happy... something? It's like the total apathy I felt for my X at the end of our marriage. I didn't hate him, or love him. I didn't think much about him at all...it was like our relationship just died and I didn't even mourn it's passing.

In a way I'm thankful it's all going to finally be over. Well over until next year when he is released from prison and I have to go back to court and fight to keep him away from our kids. Or at the very least I've been assured he will be given monitored visitation for a very long time. So we have some time to calm down and settle in, to live our lives and make some new memories.

Maybe tomorrow when I'm in the midst of it all I'll feel something profound. Maybe once it's over and I hear the judge pass down his ruling I'll get the sense of closure.

Time spent apart

I think it's a good thing. It's a healthy thing. I made it clear to BLT that the one thing I've discovered about myself this past year is that I need a certain amount of "me" time. I didn't realize how much I need time alone, or with my girlfriends, out of the house and away from the kids.

I told him that I love him, and that I'm loving the fact that he's here, but that I went more than ten years being told I was selfish or being punished with small cruelties whenever I wanted time away from my X - or God Forbid - away from my children. I need my personal time, and I'll take it now and then. I'm a healthier, happier me. I'm a better mom, and a more interesting person when I get some relaxation and girl time away from the house and kids.

What I love is that BLT totally understands this. He agrees, and he told me pretty much the same thing; that he needs time alone and will be taking it when the mood strikes. That we can consult each other, and be considerate of each other's schedules - but neither one of us is asking for permission.

So today I walked a 5K with my girlfriends and then had a fun lunch before picking up the kids from their Grandparent's house - and BLT took a long drive up to the mountains to the local state park for a nice hike and some photography of the area. We both did our own thing, and we had a great time. We came home very close to the same time eager to share our day with each other. We swapped stories and photos, made dinner, got the kids settled for the night and snuggled down into bed for some "us" time which lead to some very satisfying sex.

It feels so comfortable and exciting at the same time that I can have this kind of relationship. That I can have time to myself without being accused of selfishness. That someone is eager to come home to me to share news of their day. That someone understand my needs, and has similar ones of their own. It feels really good to come home to him.

Letting go

I have to learn to let go of all the negative feelings I have left over from my previous relationship, IE disastrous marriage.

Sunshine was right... one hundred percent. I was more upset than I needed to be. This wasn't about him doing something purposeful to hurt me. He wasn't trying to insult me, and his ego was bruised in this whole thing as well.

I reacted so negatively, instead of seeing the humor in the situation, because in my marriage I wasn't desired. I wasn't appreciated, I wasn't treated as though my company was anything more than a convenience, and doing so made me insecure about my sexuality and made me feel like nobody would ever truly desire me. All these horrible insecurities came rushing back, and I felt so unwanted. It's such a terrible feeling.

But I realize it's not a feeling caused by BLT. He didn't do anything to cause those doubts, he has never made me feel unwanted, or undesirable - in fact the exact opposite.

It was an off night. We've worked long hours this past week. We've driven hundreds of miles picking him up a new car and getting things done for the kids and the house. We've just been emotionally and physically spent and it was bad timing on our part to try and make love so late at night.

So, I'm letting it go. I'm going to recognize where the hurt comes from. Acknowledge it but don't let it continue to effect our relationship. We discussed it, he's apologized and done what he can to reassure me that he wants me, in every facet of the word. That he wants me sexually, that he wants my company, he wants to share my home and be a part of my life... and that in NO way was last night about anything other than being exhausted.

So this is me...letting go. Not letting the way my X treated me effect my new relationship. I know that there will be issues from time to time. I have to accept that who I am, all my past experiences both good and bad make up the person that he loves. And I know in my heart that he loves me just as I am, and that he accepts me flaws and all.

My hope is that in time, all the good ways he treats me will change the way I feel about myself. It will replace all the negative ways I see myself and I'll be less insecure. I have faith that time is all it will take. He's a good man, and I love him.

Our first hiccup.

He's sleeping beside me, which in itself kind of pisses me off. We've had our first real "issue" so to speak and he's not nearly as upset by it as I am.

I'm insulted to be honest. In the middle of making love I realize he's not touching me really, his hands have fallen to his side, then I realize all of a god damned sudden he's FALLEN ASLEEP. For the love of God. I'm riding him like a Christmas Pony and he's snoring... ya... snoring.

I get off him, and go have a shower. When I come back in he kind of wakes up and asks me what I'm doing? I tell him not to talk to me, that I'm insulted and embarrassed. I mean shit, if he doesn't want me what the fuck is he doing in my bed?

We discuss it a little, he's more amused than anything else, and doesn't see why I'm upset. When I asked if he would be insulted had the roles been reversed he said no...that he would understand I had a really long week and was tired. All fine and dandy, if he's so tired why didn't he just say no to begin with... So here I am, no "happy ending" for either of us. I'm pissed, embarrassed, insulted, and and wide awake at 2:42 in the morning. He tried to go down and sleep on the couch because I yelled at him, I went down and apologized for yelling. So he came back up to bed.... at least that's something.

He's fast asleep beside me, and all I want to do is cry. I spent more than five years being ignored, feeling like nothing more important than a piece of furniture... I refuse to let anyone make me feel like that again. I can't do it. I don't think he understands how much he hurt and humiliated me, and I don't know how to tell him... so I won't bother.

What does this even mean? I've always known I desire him more than he does me. I can live with that...but I can't be ignored again. That hurts too much.

In the Beginning...

Friday was the "day". He arrived several hours before expected and there I was in the kitchen, barefoot, sweaty, my hair a mess, makeup sort of smeared...by far not the fairy tale version I had in my head of what my appearance would be like when he pulled up to the door.

He walks right into the house, and without saying a word pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly to him for several wonderful minutes. I whisper, " Welcome home" and he kisses me on the forehead.

The kids all rush around him, the little two hugging his legs, the older two offering help to unload the truck. We tell them we need a few minutes before he's ready to tackle that job. He's been in the car 11 hours straight, he's hot. He's tired, and a little frayed around the edges too... but he's glad to be here. I can feel it pouring out of him. Gratitude and affection and excitement all at the same time.

While the kids rush off to do their own thing I give him the grand tour of his new house. Once we get to our room it's hurried kisses and a more proper welcome home. Dear God it's been six long weeks and it's a blessing my children were all off with friends or playing video games downstairs. As is the norm for us we pulled our clothes of frantically and fell into bed. The first time we're together after an extended separation is always amazing. Heat, and passion, and intensity that just can't be described accurately.

When we're done with our heated "quickie" we hold each other and say all the things we've been waiting to say until we could say them face to face. He's glad to be here, I'm so nervous the house isn't perfect, don't worry Doll as long as you're here everything IS perfect, I love you.... a hundred little things, a few big things, a lot of just being happy to be together.

The past few days have rushed by. We are all feeling each other out. The kids are learning to knock on our door before they rush in (thankfully we've been really good about keeping it locked for our privacy) and we are all getting used to having a whole new person in the house.

We had a long talk last night while we were headed to a party. We both know that there will be rough patches ahead of us with the kids. We know that there will be times we don't agree, that we may say something hurtful on accident, and that there is going to be some adjusting necessary on all our part. It's a part of merging your life with someone else's...especially once there are children involved.

This is just the beginning for us, and we are all going to be just fine... we're going to be great. I have such a good feeling about having him here, and I have faith in all of us.

The Search For Perfection

BLT will be here in less than 24 hours. I am obsessing. I knew I would... It's what I do when I'm nervous. Tonight I'm focused on perfection, my constant and unrealistic search for that one thing that is missing... that "thing" that will make _____ (fill in the blank) just perfect!!

I know I can't have it, I can't give it, I can't expect it from others. My brain knows this... but there is part of me, something that is an integral part of who I am that craves perfection. I've nearly achieved it - at least from the outside looking in, and it made me miserable. I KNOW this. So why, in the darkest hour of night do I list off all the ways I'm imperfect? Why do I keep struggling back and forth over:

The perfect body that has always eluded me. Too tall, to fat, too many stretch marks, skin too fair... blah blah blah, yada yada yada...

The perfect marriage who's facade cracked like old plaster and showed the ugly foundation underneath for the whole world to see. How can I do better? How do I avoid the pitfalls that helped break down my marriage? How do I really let this amazing man see the whole me? I'm so afraid that if I do he'll be disappointed. What happens when he finds out my fingers and feet swell while I sleep if I ate too much sodium and I wake up with sausages? What will he think when he realizes I am ridiculously anal retentive about color coding my closet and the direction in which I fold my towels? What if he hates the way I cook lasagna? He deserves perfection, this sweet, funny, sensitive man who has fallen in love with me. And I know I'm not perfect...

Being the perfect mother, something no woman can achieve in this life time, and yet I feel guilt when I fail. And I fail often, in a million little ways, in a few big ones.

The perfect home, another illusion that made me feel trapped and suffocated under the responsibility and weight of the financial implications. It was 450 thousand dollars worth of worry and a never ending cycle of cleaning and maintenance. I don't want it back. I DON'T EVER want it back. So why do I struggle so much with the idea of whether or not my house is good enough, clean enough, comfortable enough for guests? Did I choose the right shade of green for the kitchen? Why am I ashamed of my used furniture and my hand me down bed linens? Who really cares? Nobody but me... and still, if someone offered me that big, sad, lonely house back in exchange for my blue cottage I would laugh them out the door. So why do I obsess like I do?

The perfect job. I love my job. I can actually say that - I really enjoy it. But it's very "blue collar", and not even remotely glamorous. I come home dirty, sweaty, tired, and my once "perfect" nails are destroyed. My hands are getting dry, I wear jeans and tennis shoes and a dirty flannel shirt... no corporate ladder, no designer suits, no power lunches, no influential friends. Will people think less of me for what I do for a living? Should I care, no! And yet, there is this twinge of embarrassment when I tell people what I do for a living.

Being the perfect girl friend. I try, more than anything to treat BLT the way I want to be treated. To be honest at all times, to not close myself off so that I can be open to his love and affection. Even then, I know I'm not perfect and that breaks my heart in a way. He's moving here to be with me, to have a shot at a life together, and I am a flawed creature. I WANT to do better, be better, be more loving and accepting...but I struggle with my own inner personal demons. There is a part of that goes so far as to say, "if I really love him, REALLY and truly, then I should encourage him to find someone better. Someone without so much baggage. Someone as good as he is." but being flawed and somewhat selfish I can't get myself to do it. I want him too much, I need him to keep me grounded and make me feel safe. I like the person I am when I'm with him, I like the person I see in his eyes.

And so, at nearly midnight the day before BLT arrives I'm repainting the toe nail I scratched up today. I've cleaned my room, changed my sheets, and finished painting the kitchen. We baked him his favorite pie to have for dinner the first night. I made sure his favorite beer is in the fridge. I made room in the closet and the bathroom vanity.

Now I wait... hoping this house, this life I offer, this woman is perfect enough...

Making Room for Him

As I am unpacking my numerous belongings and finding homes for all my crap (I mean TREASURES!) I'm making a conscious effort to leave room for BLT. I've never been in this position before. When my X and I got married and moved in together we moved to our own apartment. Each bringing our few belongings, and we then acquired "stuff" as a married couple.

I've never invited someone into MY space. I've never had to consider how much drawer space he'll need, or what side of the closet he might like.

I bought a lovely little wall mounted bedside lamp for reading, only I can't hang it yet because I don't have any clue what side of the bed he'll prefer. We seem to always swap back and forth depending on what we're doing immediately before we fall asleep. I don't even think he has a preference, but it would be my luck I would hang the lamp and then he would want to be on that side, lol.

I've cleaned out a shelf in the medicine cabinet, and I left the cupboard under the sink empty for any of his toiletries. I cleaned out one side of the closet, left half of the attic empty, I even managed to clear out a drawer in my dresser...I think I'm all set.

I feel ready. I am excited for him to arrive on Friday night. I go see my waxer tomorrow, and then I'll come home and do a little self mani-pedi to purty up the digits and toss some dark brown dye on these roots to cover those pesky grey's that have started to show up at my temples.

All I can do now is wait, and work, and try not to fixate! Easier said than done I'm afraid!

This and That

1. I pulled down all the wallpaper in the kitchen and painted it Dragon's Breath. Which is actually a lovely mossy green. Not too much blue, not too much yellow. Almost like vintage Jadeite glassware. I love it.

2. I forgot to pull up my long hair...and while the color is fantastic on the wall my Dragon's Breath green locks are not so cute. Lesson learned!

3. Four days until my BLT arrives. I'm full of nervous energy and excitement. I have a to-do list a mile long and I doubt I'll get to it all before he arrives, but at least I'm too busy to sit and fixate on his arrival. Last time he came I had so much nervous energy I ironed my king sized sheets. It took me two hours, lol.

4. I love me some Netflix... that is all... I just simply lurv it.

5. Damn I need to see my waxer. I have an appt. for Wednesday, but really... I'm in a bad way. Gooooonie Goo Goo... not attractive!

6. I dozed in bed the other morning watching a Blue Jay in the tree outside my bedroom window and I realized I feel content. It's been so long since I was simply content with my life that I had to think about it a minute. It was an "ah haaaa...I remember this feeling! I like this feeling!" sort of moment. I'm looking forward to having more of them. I have faith that my future days will bring more contentment and less conflict.

Tend your own garden please....

I'm a little heartbroken today. The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of changes. For the most part they've all been wonderful, welcome, and wanted.

However hanging over all of these new adventures and opportunities is a dark cloud. My father is very concerned for me and the kids. I understand this, I accept that he is doing his "daddy job" and trying to protect me. But I'm a grown woman, I'll make my own decisions, and if this is a mistake it's MY mistake to make. I've shared my personal fears and hopes and dreams with my former sister in law during all of this, whom I had always considered one of my closest friends and allies.

Well today she stabbed me in the back in the worst way. She broke my heart a little to be honest. My mother called today to let me know that I can't talk to J anymore. She doesn't have my best interest at heart and she's trying to sabotage me. Apparently yesterday J (who works for my families business part time on the weekends for extra money) got my father all worked up in a tizzy. She told him personal things I had confided in her. She pushed all his buttons and it was like poking a hornet's nest with a stick. There has been major fall out.

I always new J was bitter about her disastrous love life but I never knew she would let that poison our relationship. In the span of five years she has been divorced twice. Once from my brother, and again from the man she married less than a year after knowing him. She is in "man hater" mode these days, looking for evil intentions in every act, having no faith in men in general. I told her, "I believe in love, I believe in marriage. I believe the right two people can be happy together."

Her exact words to me were, "well I hope everything works out for you, but I have very little faith that it will" Well that in turn became her telling my father that BLT has no business moving here. That my parents were foolish to hire him. That it is a disaster waiting to happen, that my children are in danger, that I'm in "la la land" and calling BLT my "boy toy" basically feeding into all my father's fears for the girls and I. It doesn't matter how I feel, or what our history is... she pulled no punches.

She meddled in my life, in things that are none of her business. She caused a huge fight between my father and my mother, a screaming match apparently and she just stood back with a vile little smile on her face. My mother's stance is that I'm a grown woman and she trusts me, that it's none of her business and she is here to support me no matter what. My dad wants her to take his side, to stand by his prude, outdated moral stance.

Why would she do that? What benefit is it to her? What does J gain by trying to ruin what small amount of happiness I've managed to find?

She told my parents that she doesn't think they had an business helping me when I got divorced or when the X came to my house with a gun and went to jail. "Nobody ever helped me, I had to do it all alone." WTF??? She did not! She gets child support from my brother every month. She got help from my former in laws who treated her like extended family, she had my parents giving my brother extra cash so that he could buy her out of her share of their house. Directly and indirectly she got plenty of help...she still does. I've watched her children for her, and helped her in any number of other ways.

Why would she do this? I just don't understand. Why is my personal life open for their discussion and involvement anyway? What gives either of them the right? Why can't they just be happy for me?

I shed more than a few tears today... I'm so confused and hurt. I want to confront her, but really... what would I gain? I have trust issues to begin with. I should know better. I don't share, I don't talk to people, I keep my problems and my fears and my feeling to myself with the exception of about three people, well now two people. I should never have opened up to her... lesson learned. Trust no one. Tend your own garden. Don't give anyone the ammunition to hurt you.

Thanks for the hard cold lesson J. It won't be forgotten.