I thought we were okay...

I don't know what's going on. I'm so confused. BLT seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and he's been short with me and cranky all day.

I was going to take all of us out to have Mexican food for dinner and on the way home he said, "do you really think that's a good idea?" and he explained that he felt bitchy and cranky. So even though I'm exhausted I went to the store and picked stuff up, came home and made dinner. I brought in the groceries by myself, and he came down to inform me he was going to run to the store to get a beer.

Well that was an hour ago. No call to say where he's going or when he'll come back.

What the hell flew up his butt? What did I do? There's a part of me that's been waiting around, holding my breath for something like this to happen. For him to wake up one day and decide this is all just not worth it. I'm not worth it.... my kids are small hellions on occasion, and with one sick, one who's erupted into a snarky tween it's not always fun around here. I get that.

On one hand I can't blame him. I'm scared of my life some days, it's too much to handle for me, and I'm their mother, how can I expect ANYONE to want this?

Yesterday I felt so very loved and understood...today I'm just confused, and honestly I'm scared he's finally come to his senses. Add to that the weight I've gained recently and, well... I just feel like shit tonight.

Sometime you just need to cry

I'm not even sure why I needed to cry a bit today. It wasn't as if I received terrible news, or I hurt myself, or anything particularly dramatic happened. I received a phone call at work from my former mother in law. She wanted to tell me the "rules" for the girls to send letters and/or pictures to their father in jail.

Apparently the pictures and cards they sent couldn't get to him because they had more than one layer and the crayon was "too thick". Apparently you can smuggle drugs into the jail this way...who knew? I mean, honestly, that was information I could have gone my whole life without knowing.

She also wanted to try and organize the pick up / delivery of my children at the end of July for a wedding they were asked to participate in (but of course I'm persona non grata since it's his side of the family) so that kind of made me sad too, since I'm quite fond of his cousin.

Anyway, the whole thing just got to me. It's like, well... I don't know, like I can't believe that this is what my life has come to; telling my children the rules for sending mail to their father in jail. It's crazy to me that I have to meet my former in laws in a neutral meeting place to trade my children back and forth because I can't tell them where we live, knowing that she'll do anything for her baby boy, including telling him where we are living.

I guess it just gets to me sometimes. I'm happy - I really am. I love BLT more than I have words to accurately describe. I adore the town I live in, and the my house is amazing - it's the house of my dreams. I like my job, my parents are close by and involved - which is wonderful because my X had alienated them for so many years I had really missed having them around. My kids are happy and healthy, and I'm blessed with wonderful friends.

So why would I shed a tear? I have no clue. I'm not normally a crier at all, I do it very rarely and almost never in front of anyone else. But BLT, in that amazing way of his, must have known that I was stressed out. He came over to me, pulled me close, and just held onto me while I cried for a little bit.

Not long, not loud... but big soft tears all over the crook of his neck. A few kisses and a big strong hug were what I needed, and I didn't know it until just then.

Nobody has ever understood me like he does. Sometimes better than I understand myself.

Poor Lady Bug

Lady bug went into the Dr. on Thursday for a sore throat. It's been an on again-off again problem for nearly two months and I need a referral to an Ear/Nose/Throat doc.

Well we didn't realize they would want to give LB all the 11 year old injections so that her immunizations are up to date. Then a strep test, then a blood draw to check for mono...

Poor kid. What was supposed to be a quick referral request turned into four hours at the doctor, five needles, one panic attack, and that horrible giant q-tip in the back of her throat.

At least I bought her lunch afterwards and she got lots of sympathy from grandma...

Gotta get my butt in gear

I've been putting on weight the past few months. I'm not eating particularly well and I slowed WAY down on the running / exercise since moving in May. I'm spending time working on the house, or playing with the kids, or - lets be honest - snuggling in bed with BLT watching movies. I'm not complaining, those are all fantastic things, but I hate how I'm looking these days, I have no energy, and my clothes don't fit anymore.

All I know is the clothing that either fit a few months ago, or was roomy is T-I-G-H-T.. and I don't have the budget or the desire to purchase bigger duds.... so what's a girl to do?

I can step up the exercise, cut back the calories and hope for the best I guess. I've contemplated joining Weight Watchers online. I went to WW several years ago and lost about fifty lbs. I've kept it off really well until recently. I figure in the past six months I've gained a minimum of 15-20 lbs...it's just packing on faster than you can imagine!!

I know that WW works for me, because I do well with the whole tracking and list making thing. Also, when I'm accountable for weighing in I tend to do better than when I'm left to my own devices.... the down side however is that the closest meeting to me (I live in the boonies) is about an hour away and they only offer one meeting choice a week.

So... should I attempt it on my own for awhile and see if I can keep at the good choices and exercise on my own? Or just say "hell with it" and do what I know works for me?

One way or another this extra padding is coming off. I refuse to let all that hard work I did before go to hell and have to start over. I'm getting a handle on this situation right now. I've been telling myself for two months, "okay, on Monday you'll start your diet" and then Monday rolls around and we end up BBQing and I overeat. Then Tuesday comes and we go out for dinner and I give in and share a dessert with the kids. Wednesday I'll go running, and Thursday we'll have something delish like pasta and garlic bread for dinner, or I'll hit the bakery with the kids and have a scone and latte for breakfast. I'll run on Friday - but then go for late drinks and appetizers with BLT for "date night", and the weekends are always a free for all - lol, no time to exercise and we end up either eating out or grilling burgers or steaks - Gosh I'm hungry thinking about it.

I don't over indulge every day, but enough that it's catching up to me. I'm only getting a run in about twice per week, I'm just so dang busy, and after work there is a hundred and one things to do at home...excuses, excuses, I know.

I just need to make myself take a little walk at lunch and then have some fruit and something light... skip the pastry for breakfast and stick with my old friend the banana and hard boiled egg combo. More water, less diet soda. I know what to do, it's just getting my ass motivated to do it. Also, no more excuses.... I need to run three days per week and get some other kind of exercise in a couple other days. I have a membership to my local club. They are open until 7pm, I can go do some reps of light weights, or walk on the treadmill, or get my flabby gut toned up with some crunches...something.

So here is me, making myself accountable. I will give it a week or so on my own, but if I'm not successful then I'm going to join WW again. Summer is upon us and I want to look the way I did last year!

That's Life

I have been having an interesting week so far. BLT got home on Monday afternoon. I was SO excited for him to get in that work just dragged by that day. I got home, and he was napping in bed. It was clear he missed me as much as I missed him. I've never been with anyone before who can turn me on with just a look. It doesn't matter if we live together now or not. Four days apart and you would think we hadn't made love in weeks. It was frantic and passionate and still sweet and tender all at the same time. I'm constantly amazed at the range of emotion he can draw out of me.

The newest drama in my life is that my car is in the shop as of Tuesday morning because I no longer have properly working power steering.... that will cost me $355.00 bucks I don't have.

Lady Bug has a Dr. appt. in the morning, and I have an appointment for my bikini wax on Friday evening, so being without a car for "several days, not exactly sure how long it'll take to get the parts in" is very inconvenient. BLT and I carpooled today, but his vehicle isn't large enough for all the kids so we were shuffling quite a bit.

I went and picked up a rental car, wow...what a piece of crap that thing is. All I can afford is the super economy version so ya... it's neither big enough, nor is is comfortable in any sense of the word - but at least I can get to our appointments this week and BLT doesn't miss more work playing chauffeur.

I went running today and it was good! Walked .25 of a mile, then ran 2 full miles, and then walked almost another .25 to cool down before walking home. My foot held up really well, and my knee is only moderately sore.

I came home, made spaghetti for dinner, had some very fun and very dirty shower sex with BLT and I feel fan-freakin-tastic. Like a crazy lady I'll be getting up early to work out before work tomorrow. BLT wants to loose a few pounds and he thinks getting up early will be easier for him than being motivated after work...so I'll support his endeavor and get up with him at the ass crack of dawn to work out before we get the kids up and head to work. Now that is love....

A good man is hard to find

Seriously... it seems that a good, hardworking, kind man is national treasure. Even my married friends are not very happy these days. It's like an epidemic of inconsideration. I look at my parents, and I know in my heart that two people can love each other their whole lives.... and yet I see so many marriages around me falling apart. I see so many dad's not living up to their responsibilities to their wives, or their kids, or themselves. They take the easy way, or they spend more time complaining about being unhappy than doing anything about it.

I am blessed, with a capital B, to have my dad in my life. I was a year old when my parents met - it was a blind date. He came to my mom's place for dinner and pretty much never left. Mom says it was her meatloaf, dad says it was me :)

He is a strong man, a loving man, a hardworking man. He is also a stubborn ass on occasion, but that's because he's a real father and not a television sitcom dad. He isn't perfect, but he's amazing none the less. This past year he's held us up with his love, support, and faith that there is something better out there for the girls and I. He's given me everything in his power to give, and never asked for anything but my love in return.

I really wish my kids had a father like that, but they simply don't. I can't see him having some sudden revelation while in prison either. He's lazy. He doesn't like to get his hands dirty, literally and figuratively. He even said to Ethel last year, "I never wanted kids, I just agreed to have them to make her happy." This was right before he told Ethel our children weren't enough to live for... what an asshole!

My children are lucky to have Uncle Fred though. He's Ethel's hubby, and my kids love him like family. They are also lucky enough to have my brother, my father, and another grandpa in their life to be positive male role models. BLT has been wonderful to them. He's kind, he's involved, he listens and hangs out with them, but he also calls them out when they misbehave. He backs me up when I need it, and he doesn't put up with the kids being disrespectful. I love this about him. He tempers his low key, good time "friend" mode with a strong male, no funny business mode when necessary. I actually find it very sexy to be honest.

BLT went back home for four days. He's going to spend Father's Day with his own father and his child. He's hanging out with friends, and getting the last load of his stuff left in storage. It's a little break from each other and some personal time for him. I've missed him like crazy, and I've thought about him a lot today. He's a wonderful father, son, friend, and boyfriend.

I can't wait for him to get home Monday night... as the saying goes; A good man is hard to find, but a hard man is good to find! I bought some sexy undies for his return. I plan on showing him just how much I love and appreciate him! Oh baby, only 24 hours and he'll be home!

Being a grown up sucks sometimes

I get resentful occasionally that I'm forced to be the grown up all the time. In regards to the kids, I've always gotten all the ugly jobs, all the messy or unpleasant jobs. I've had to be the heavy, enforce the rules, have the hard talks. Even when I was married it was all up to me, so being a single mother hasn't changed that...but it sucks. Sometimes I actually hate being a mom. I know it's horrible to say, but I do. I love my kids with my whole heart, but I hate having to do things for their own good that they resent, and the way they can make me feel like total crap. It's a hard, hard job sometimes.


Well my 11 year old forced me into being the "mean mom" this weekend. All week I've been nagging for the pit that is Lady Bug's bedroom to be cleaned. I've given detailed instructions, I've given second chances, I made threats.


I told her on Thursday night in no uncertain terms, "Lady Bug, if you don't go clean your room I'm not taking you and your friends to the mall on Saturday for your birthday. No mall... no dinner at Red Robin. I swear this is your very last chance" I got a call on Friday - it was a half day at school and she was home by noon.



LB - Can I go to A's house to hang out?
Mom - Is your room clean?
LB - No
Mom - Then you have to clean your room and put your dirty clothes in the washing machine before you can go. Also, your grandmother went to a lot of trouble to make you a nice dinner and dessert for your birthday so you MUST, ABSOLUTELY MUST be home no later than 5pm.
LB - Okay mom, no problem

I get off work early and drive home to get Lady Bug. She's not at home... her room isn't clean. She doesn't answer her cell phone. 4o minutes later she finally comes home. We've missed our chance to get to Grandma's for dinner (it's an hour away) and I am so flaming mad I'm seeing double.

I call her cousin, and I have her call her friends. We cancel the birthday trip to the mall. I make her go up and finish cleaning her room while I stand over her. I make her call her Grandmother and apologize. I send her to bed early. I'm so, SOOOO angry that she put me in the position to have to take away something so special. I'm pissed as hell that so many people were inconvenienced. It was inconsiderate - not to mention dangerous. I had no idea where she was, and she didn't answer her cell, or call me to tell me she was running late. She lied to me, she didn't follow through with something I had been telling her to do for a week. She just disrespected me and our house rules one too many times.

I feel horrible. She cried, she was devastated. I feel mean and wretched. But I do know that it's not my job to be her friend all the time. It's my job to teach her that there are consequences when you don't do what you're told to do. That it's rude to leave people waiting for you, that if you are allowed the privilege of going to a friends house you are required to come home when I tell you to. Five means five o'clock.... not five fifteen, and sure as heck not forty minutes late with no call to let me know you're okay.

I mean, if I don't follow through when I make a threat how will she ever know I'm serious? If I can't influence her behavior with appropriate consequences when the child is 11 how do I do it when she's 15 and horny... good lord what a scary thought.

So I followed through... even though it's hard and I feel like utter crap. We ended up going over to grandma's house tonight instead, since she's gone to so much expense and trouble to get dinner put together with all her favorite foods, and she even had a special "Twilight" themed cake baked up for her with fancy blood red roses etc.

But that shopping trip is gone until after she's done being grounded. God help me I hope she's learned a lesson!

Lonely No More

BLT and I took a little drive into town today and along the way we discussed loneliness. In the past several years we've both felt intense loneliness. For him it was being surrounded by friends, but not having met anyone special that he connected with on a romantic level. He had a house full of single room mates and there was always someone there to grab a beer with or watch a movie...but he didn't have anyone to confide his fears to, anyone to make love to, anyone to share his hopes and dreams with. He wasn't alone, but he was lonely. Dating occasionally wasn't anything special, and sex was more a complication than an expression of love.

For me, well it was different but very much the same story. I had the kids, but X worked out of town a lot. Nearly 20 days out of the month sometimes he was off in some other corner of the country schmoozing clients. I was left to do the mommy job all alone. I didn't have time to socialize, and nearly all my friends had been alienated by his social awkwardness and outright anti-social attitude towards people. When he was home I avoided him. I didn't like him or myself when I was with him. He made me feel anxious and tense and irritable. There wasn't any romantic feelings left on my part for several years, and I avoided sex for years since I simply wasn't in love with him any longer.

Plus... to be honest... there was little to no sexual attraction to begin with. That was never really a part of the equation for me. I married young to have stability and because I thought a nice house, a family, and financial security would bring me total satisfaction and a sense of belonging I had been looking for my whole life. Over the years X had gained a lot of weight...as had I. But I got my ass to the gym, started eating healthy and eventually lost nearly 60 lbs. No matter how hard I tried X wouldn't exercise with me, he wouldn't eat healthy, he blew off all my efforts at helping him shape up... and in the end I just didn't care any more. He didn't give a shit, why should I? If he didn't care, fine... but why should I force myself to have unfulfilling sex with a balding, overweight, lazy piece of work who didn't even treat me well when he was home?

So... I was lonely. Surrounded by people who all wanted and needed my attention, and still feeling the most basic human need for companionship and love wasn't being met. It was a horrible feeling. I think this is one of the things that pulled BLT and I together. We recognized in one another someone who understood what true loneliness was, and right or wrong we filled a deep need in each other. Like two starving people, we were each the food the other needed to survive.

And we have survived, and thrived. We are both really happy right now. Admittedly we are in that "honeymoon" phase where none of our annoying habits are, as of yet, annoying. But we really are enjoying working and living together. We have come up against an issue here or there, and we've talked it out. We're working on keeping up the honest, open, and kind communication. We are making time for ourselves as a couple, time with the kids, time alone for some space and personal freedom.

Neither one of us is foolish enough to think that this will always be smooth sailing, but we're very much in love. Having been so lonely in the past, and then having our relationship start off as a long distance/who knows where this will lead/God I miss you SOOO much kind of thing - well it makes us appreciate the time we have together. It makes us thankful that life worked out so that we can be together. It makes us sensitive to the needs of the other person. All good things, all key components to a successful relationship. Every day I wake up, I reach over to him, I breath in his scent and I'm so thankful he's here. I hope that feeling never goes away.

The Daddy Day Dilema

I'm torn over what to do about the kids and their dad for father's day. The three youngest have all said they want to either make or buy their dad a fathers day card and send it to him at the prison. I'm not sure if it's just me being spiteful, or what, but the idea of spending my hard earned money on over priced greeting cards for my kids to send that piece of crap just makes my throat close up in anger.

Plus, to be honest, he's a crappy father. He was uninterested, uninvolved, and usually fairly cold to them. Why they even WANT to send him a card I don't know. I mean, I guess even a crappy father - if it's the only father you've ever known - is something to cherish. He was the "good time dad" when he was in town. He took them to movies or the video game store, or the book store - places he wanted to go. They did enjoy that. He just couldn't tell you who their doctors or dentists were, what their school teacher's name was, or what their after school schedules were. Anything fun and easy he was game for... but this is the man who said, "I can't watch the kids and clean the house at the same time. If you leave then you come home to a mess, deal with it!" For the love of Baby Jesus, what did he think I did every single day?

Anyway...so it irks me that they miss him as much as they do. Like somehow his love has more value because it's absent than all my hard work, sacrifice, and dedication to those kids. It's like they don't even see the ten hour days I put in to keep them fed and clothed, the fact that I'm so tired when I drive home I nearly drifted off and ran my damn car into a ditch on Thursday... jolting awake at the last minute. When I got home I caught a 40 minute cat nap before getting up, gathering up the brownies and Italian casserole I baked the night before and heading out to the pre-k end of the year "graduation" and pot luck event at the preschool. All of that is just a given... but he pulls a gun on me and goes to jail and they pine away for his love and attention.

I just don't get it.

It's been two weeks since the divorce was final and he hasn't yet written the kids any letters. I don't think he actually will. Lady bug wrote him a basic, "I love you, and I miss you daddy" letter telling him about her new hair do, and the fact that she got her braces off." I won't let her give him any personal information about where we live now. I also made her give the letter to his mother so she can mail it off for her. I'm not even spending the money on the stamp to inform that bastard what's going on in the lives of his kids. Plus I don't want it postmarked from my town.

If he doesn't write her back it's going to break her heart. I had a little talk with her about how you can love someone, but accept their faults at the same time. That if she didn't get a letter back it's not a reflection of her - there is nothing wrong with her, but that her dad doesn't always follow through with things, and I just don't want her pinning all her hopes and dreams on him writing letters, and then getting out in nine more months and turning into super dad. It's going to be hard, inconvenient, and likely expensive for him to get monitored visitation with his children. I'm rather doubtful he'll follow through. Now his mommy will likely do it all for him and eventually he'll get his visitation - but not because he got off his lazy butt and did any of the leg work himself. (That part I kept to myself of course, no use telling the children negative things like that about him... eventually his true colors will show through, and as always I'll be there to pick up the pieces and dry the tears)

I know all of this makes me sound petty, and angry, and bitter. And you know what? I am. I'm angry as hell some days - and I'm just not sure how to let go of that yet.

What's New Pussycat?

Hello bloggidy friends! I've been away a little while. Lots of fun and not so fun stuff going on in my world.

First...KIDNEY STONES ARE THE SUCK... and yes, I'm yelling! Since Saturday evening I've been suffering with what I'm thinking are kidney stones. I've looked it up online and all the symptoms match, and today I'm finally feeling a bit better (but peeing out gravel is NOT even remotely comfortable.) but even feeling better leaves me weak, shaky, and feeling like I've been sucker punched in the back.

I spent the weekend with Ethel at the Farm Chicks show in Spokane. It was amazing!! I picked up a vintage mirror, an old desk fan, a tiny Baby Ben clock, some hankies, a train case for TNT, a quilted bed spread for Monkey Pants, a mirrored vanity tray for Chef, and a necklace made from an old scrabble tile for Lady Bug. I also found a giant wooden letter from my name in chippy white paint that I love ever so much! Add to that a few other odds and ends and it was a very successful thrifting expedition! Too bad it ended with me thinking I was going to die on the way home Sunday!

Well I got my divorce papers in the mail. While reading over them my parents noticed the part X wrote in about wanting the washer and dryer back. My parents were outraged, and they decided to help me get a new washer and dryer right away. This will avoid him being able to try and use this against me, to cause trouble, or god forbid if they broke while in my "custody" he could try and sue me for a new set. So it's done. I called his family and let them know a friend was headed their way with his stupid washer and dryer and it was their problem to store it for the next nine months until Capt. Crazypants gets out of jail. I mean really... they were willing to pay for the divorce lawyer who wanted to screw me over, I think they can pay for the storage unit to put his appliances in. Seems fair to me! My new set is AMAZING, and it's sooo quiet. In the end I'm happier and it's one less thing he has to try and manipulate me with later. He can't claim I didn't follow the letter of the law and return them, in working order, in a timely fashion.... screw him. He can have the dumb things.

Speaking of my parents, they decided that the kids and I deserved a little weekend away someplace fun, and they got us a very generous gift certificate for a weekend away at a local lodge and water park. It is someplace the kids have always wanted to go, so we are really looking forward to the adventure once school is out.

So life moves forward... BLT and I are great. I am thrilled to wake up to him each morning. I don't know what I would have done w/o him here the past couple of days. He's fixed the kids dinner, taken care of the yard work and helped out putting the little kids' beds together for me. He's been a real trooper through it all. I love him just a little more each day when I see his kindness to my kids, or his sense of humor with my parents, or his amazing work ethic.

The kids are ready for summer vacation. I'm ready for some sun finally. We are happy, we are all healthy, and we are looking forward to having some new adventures this year!

It's Official

At 2 pm yesterday I became divorced.

For the next nine months I'll have peace. Then he gets out, and a whole new batch of crazy is hatched while we wait to see if he violates the no contact order, if he actually gets a job, if he attempts to get visitation with the kids.... who knows what kind of crazy ass plans he's hatched up while sitting in that jail cell.

All I know is that I'm not legally bound to him. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel free. I feel like I took a huge breath of clean, fresh air.

I feel like my life can move forward. This is a good feeling.