I'm torn over what to do about the kids and their dad for father's day. The three youngest have all said they want to either make or buy their dad a fathers day card and send it to him at the prison. I'm not sure if it's just me being spiteful, or what, but the idea of spending my hard earned money on over priced greeting cards for my kids to send that piece of crap just makes my throat close up in anger.
Plus, to be honest, he's a crappy father. He was uninterested, uninvolved, and usually fairly cold to them. Why they even WANT to send him a card I don't know. I mean, I guess even a crappy father - if it's the only father you've ever known - is something to cherish. He was the "good time dad" when he was in town. He took them to movies or the video game store, or the book store - places he wanted to go. They did enjoy that. He just couldn't tell you who their doctors or dentists were, what their school teacher's name was, or what their after school schedules were. Anything fun and easy he was game for... but this is the man who said, "I can't watch the kids and clean the house at the same time. If you leave then you come home to a mess, deal with it!" For the love of Baby Jesus, what did he think I did every single day?
Anyway...so it irks me that they miss him as much as they do. Like somehow his love has more value because it's absent than all my hard work, sacrifice, and dedication to those kids. It's like they don't even see the ten hour days I put in to keep them fed and clothed, the fact that I'm so tired when I drive home I nearly drifted off and ran my damn car into a ditch on Thursday... jolting awake at the last minute. When I got home I caught a 40 minute cat nap before getting up, gathering up the brownies and Italian casserole I baked the night before and heading out to the pre-k end of the year "graduation" and pot luck event at the preschool. All of that is just a given... but he pulls a gun on me and goes to jail and they pine away for his love and attention.
I just don't get it.
It's been two weeks since the divorce was final and he hasn't yet written the kids any letters. I don't think he actually will. Lady bug wrote him a basic, "I love you, and I miss you daddy" letter telling him about her new hair do, and the fact that she got her braces off." I won't let her give him any personal information about where we live now. I also made her give the letter to his mother so she can mail it off for her. I'm not even spending the money on the stamp to inform that bastard what's going on in the lives of his kids. Plus I don't want it postmarked from my town.
If he doesn't write her back it's going to break her heart. I had a little talk with her about how you can love someone, but accept their faults at the same time. That if she didn't get a letter back it's not a reflection of her - there is nothing wrong with her, but that her dad doesn't always follow through with things, and I just don't want her pinning all her hopes and dreams on him writing letters, and then getting out in nine more months and turning into super dad. It's going to be hard, inconvenient, and likely expensive for him to get monitored visitation with his children. I'm rather doubtful he'll follow through. Now his mommy will likely do it all for him and eventually he'll get his visitation - but not because he got off his lazy butt and did any of the leg work himself. (That part I kept to myself of course, no use telling the children negative things like that about him... eventually his true colors will show through, and as always I'll be there to pick up the pieces and dry the tears)
I know all of this makes me sound petty, and angry, and bitter. And you know what? I am. I'm angry as hell some days - and I'm just not sure how to let go of that yet.