I've decided I'm doing nothing productive this weekend. I've spent every single day,even the weekends doing something ever since BLT moved in a couple months ago. We've done housework, yard work, gone into the office, hosted dinners, entertained family. We've babysat nieces, ran a thousand errands, taxied kids to hell and back, and I am completely, and totally exhausted.
I've been running on empty for days - forcing myself out of bed. Moving slow, feeling weak, and desperately in need of some extra sleep and relaxation.
So my yard that needs maintenance can wait.
My laundry can wait.
The removal of wallpaper, and repainting the bathroom can wait.
I'm not running anyone to the mall, the movies, to friends, or to the lake.
I'm not cleaning house, cooking elaborate meals, going out with friends, or going into work.
I'm going to lay here. I'm going to read my favorite blogs and decorating magazines. I'm going to take a long bath, and work up the energy to play Little Big Planet. I MAY decide to get dressed, but it's unlikely.
I'm not going to answer my phone, my email, or check my text message.
I think I'll start right now with a morning nap in the sun....
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I'm Growing...
BTL asked me if he could hang a framed concert poster in our bedroom. It's one of his favorite things. A vintage Bowie poster he's had forever.
The old me would say, "what about my shabby chic decor screams David Bowie to you?"
The new me, the one that loves him dearly and wants him in my life says, "of course baby, where do you want to put it?"
It's gonna look GREAT with my black and white photograph of the Eiffel Tower and my vintage framed needlepoint roses, lol...but I'm keeping this sentiment to myself.
Baby steps.... baby steps....
The old me would say, "what about my shabby chic decor screams David Bowie to you?"
The new me, the one that loves him dearly and wants him in my life says, "of course baby, where do you want to put it?"
It's gonna look GREAT with my black and white photograph of the Eiffel Tower and my vintage framed needlepoint roses, lol...but I'm keeping this sentiment to myself.
Baby steps.... baby steps....
Monday, July 19, 2010
Is Divorce Contagious?
I'm starting to wonder if marriage is like sex; you know, the first time isn't very good - but once you get the hang of it then it's pretty amazing.
It seems that EVERYWHERE I look friends and family members are getting divorced. My cousin is calling it quits after a year of prayer, and church based counseling. They've been married 13 years.
Another friend from high school just shared that her husband left her for a freaking 21 year old. I mean really? What in the world does a man in his late 30's have in common with a 21 year old Barista? There was some back and forth, but in the end she's filing for divorce. She's in the early stages where it's mostly just sad and scary. She'll move into angry soon, but I'm not sure that's better. All I could tell her was yes, it is sad and stressful. Yes it is scary. But a year from now it'll all be over, and you'll be moving onto bigger and better things in your life.
Some friends on the outskirts of my social group have divorced and are in a bitter custody battle. They always seemed happy when I saw them at parties and social gatherings.
My former sister in law is a second time divorcee. She's angry, bitter, and resentful. I don't want to end up like her. I'm terrified of ending up being bitter and alone. She just oozes disappointment from every pore, and she wonders why she can't find a man. The problem is she's totally closed off her heart - she claims all she wants is casual sex. No dating, no meeting each others friends or family. While you would think guys would jump at the chance... nope... it's no fun hanging out with someone who so obviously hates her life right now. Plus I think it's just an excuse to avoid getting close to anyone.
Honestly most of the people I know who are married aren't happy. They go through the motions. Or they've just accepted their "fate" and they don't feel like starting over. Or like Fred and Ethel, there's issues there, but there are so many other things on their plate that working on their marriage has to fall to the back burner for now. The problems are still there - they are just simmering under the surface.
The only people I know who are happily married, or happy in their committed relationship are those that are remarried, or dating after divorce. My friends B & C are really committed and happy. They have all sorts of amazing adventures, they are so sweet together, they are considerate and share interests. I want their kind of marriage were I to ever do it again. What they have is special. They work at it. B was divorced and met C online. They had a long distance relationship for about a year before C moved here and they've been together over 11 years now. It's really beautiful to see them together. My parents are going on 34 years this winter. It's my mother's 2nd marriage. BLT's dad and step-mom have this amazingly sweet relationship, and it's a pleasure to watch them together. This is his father's 3rd marriage, and her 2nd marriage.
I guess I just wonder if we set ourselves up for disappointment and failure by marrying too early. It seems that all these people (myself included) got married at 19 or 20, or even in their early 20's. Are we allowing ourselves to be pressured to get married instead of just living together? Do we do ourselves a disservice by not allowing ourselves to mature a little before we decide exactly what we need and want in a life long partner? Do people who stay together do so because they're happy...or simply because they refuse to get divorced for whatever reason? Is it possible to be happy with one person for your whole adult life?
I hope divorce isn't contagious. I hope that I'm just more aware of it now since I've gone through it so recently. I believe in love. I want to think that there is someone out there for everyone. I want to believe that happily ever after is possible.
It seems that EVERYWHERE I look friends and family members are getting divorced. My cousin is calling it quits after a year of prayer, and church based counseling. They've been married 13 years.
Another friend from high school just shared that her husband left her for a freaking 21 year old. I mean really? What in the world does a man in his late 30's have in common with a 21 year old Barista? There was some back and forth, but in the end she's filing for divorce. She's in the early stages where it's mostly just sad and scary. She'll move into angry soon, but I'm not sure that's better. All I could tell her was yes, it is sad and stressful. Yes it is scary. But a year from now it'll all be over, and you'll be moving onto bigger and better things in your life.
Some friends on the outskirts of my social group have divorced and are in a bitter custody battle. They always seemed happy when I saw them at parties and social gatherings.
My former sister in law is a second time divorcee. She's angry, bitter, and resentful. I don't want to end up like her. I'm terrified of ending up being bitter and alone. She just oozes disappointment from every pore, and she wonders why she can't find a man. The problem is she's totally closed off her heart - she claims all she wants is casual sex. No dating, no meeting each others friends or family. While you would think guys would jump at the chance... nope... it's no fun hanging out with someone who so obviously hates her life right now. Plus I think it's just an excuse to avoid getting close to anyone.
Honestly most of the people I know who are married aren't happy. They go through the motions. Or they've just accepted their "fate" and they don't feel like starting over. Or like Fred and Ethel, there's issues there, but there are so many other things on their plate that working on their marriage has to fall to the back burner for now. The problems are still there - they are just simmering under the surface.
The only people I know who are happily married, or happy in their committed relationship are those that are remarried, or dating after divorce. My friends B & C are really committed and happy. They have all sorts of amazing adventures, they are so sweet together, they are considerate and share interests. I want their kind of marriage were I to ever do it again. What they have is special. They work at it. B was divorced and met C online. They had a long distance relationship for about a year before C moved here and they've been together over 11 years now. It's really beautiful to see them together. My parents are going on 34 years this winter. It's my mother's 2nd marriage. BLT's dad and step-mom have this amazingly sweet relationship, and it's a pleasure to watch them together. This is his father's 3rd marriage, and her 2nd marriage.
I guess I just wonder if we set ourselves up for disappointment and failure by marrying too early. It seems that all these people (myself included) got married at 19 or 20, or even in their early 20's. Are we allowing ourselves to be pressured to get married instead of just living together? Do we do ourselves a disservice by not allowing ourselves to mature a little before we decide exactly what we need and want in a life long partner? Do people who stay together do so because they're happy...or simply because they refuse to get divorced for whatever reason? Is it possible to be happy with one person for your whole adult life?
I hope divorce isn't contagious. I hope that I'm just more aware of it now since I've gone through it so recently. I believe in love. I want to think that there is someone out there for everyone. I want to believe that happily ever after is possible.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Well that was an unwelcome surprise!
I go to the Dr. today to get my Depo shot, and low and behold they inform me that I need a pap... nice. I didn't realize when I made the appointment I was signing on to be poked, prodded and invaded by cold, foreign objects while wearing a paper dress.
For craps sake I didn't even shower people! I mean, I showered the night before, but you know how it is... when you know someones going to be wrist deep in your girly parts you make sure you're spring fresh beforehand!!!
Now that I've been violated by a perfect stranger I think I'll use the rest of my weight watchers points for the day and have myself a beer and a skinny cow truffle bar... because damn it, I deserve it! (said in my best bat shit crazy Mel Gibson voice)
For craps sake I didn't even shower people! I mean, I showered the night before, but you know how it is... when you know someones going to be wrist deep in your girly parts you make sure you're spring fresh beforehand!!!
Now that I've been violated by a perfect stranger I think I'll use the rest of my weight watchers points for the day and have myself a beer and a skinny cow truffle bar... because damn it, I deserve it! (said in my best bat shit crazy Mel Gibson voice)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Good News / Bad News / No News
1. Good News: X is totally, 100% unable to sue me. First of all his lawyers filed a notice that they are no longer representing him - and since he's out of money, he no longer has his 500.00 per hour bulldogs to do his bidding from jail Second, since the kids are still protected by a no contact order I am under absolutely no obligation to tell him anything... so go suck an egg Mr. X!! If you want to make my life difficult from prison you'll have to beg, borrow, or steal another retainer, hire another law firm, and start from scratch. Since you're possibly the laziest creature that ever walked this planet I'm not going to loose sleep over your threats any longer!
2. Bad News: I gained WAY more weight that I was thinking. Three years ago I lost nearly 60 lbs using the Weight Watchers system, and I kept it off really well until my life went to shit a year ago. I've gained back 21 lbs, and I'm not happy about it. So back to WW I go. I knew all my clothes were too tight, but holy shit, I didn't realize I gained that much.
Tracking today has kept me honest, and here I am after dinner with 6 pts left for the day, which means I can have my beloved light popcorn or maybe a little low fat ice cream later when I'm watching TV with BLT and I get the munchies.
3. No News: Still no word about the 401K funds. My lawyer is looking into it for me, and I just have to be patient and let her do her job. Ugh... I suck at the whole patience thing.
2. Bad News: I gained WAY more weight that I was thinking. Three years ago I lost nearly 60 lbs using the Weight Watchers system, and I kept it off really well until my life went to shit a year ago. I've gained back 21 lbs, and I'm not happy about it. So back to WW I go. I knew all my clothes were too tight, but holy shit, I didn't realize I gained that much.
Tracking today has kept me honest, and here I am after dinner with 6 pts left for the day, which means I can have my beloved light popcorn or maybe a little low fat ice cream later when I'm watching TV with BLT and I get the munchies.
3. No News: Still no word about the 401K funds. My lawyer is looking into it for me, and I just have to be patient and let her do her job. Ugh... I suck at the whole patience thing.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Our sexy, swanky weekend
I've been trying to think of something special to do for BLT. He is a musician, and a huge Sinatra fan, so when I heard Steve Tyrell was playing at Jazz Alley I knew I had to get tickets. His bio listed him as "a Grammy award winning, Sinatra-esque style" performer.
What a PERFECT evening. The music was amazing, and the venue so intimate and sexy it was impossible not to leave there feeling romantic. Dim lights, small tables set around the stage, amazing food and wines, impeccable service, and a cool jazz club vibe that lent itself to hushed conversation and long, knowing glances.
There wasn't a bad seat in the house, but we lucked out and got the best seats available in my opinion. We ended up center stage, four tables back from the stage. Not so close you had to crane your neck to watch, but close enough to feel like he was singing to you alone. There wasn't anything distracting or tacky going on either. Just a stage with a mic, a base player, guitarist, and a pianist on a baby grand piano. Intimate is really the only word to describe it.
We enjoyed our drinks and dinner before the show, then shared a decadent chocolate dessert during the performance. Afterwards we walked back to our hotel in the warm night air, taking our time and holding hands. Just sort of lingering in the moment. When we got back BLT gave me a special gift he picked out for me. Small, lovely ruby stud earrings. Nothing extravagant, it's not his style - but something beautiful and special that he picked out just for me. He knows me so well, and I adore them.
We spent the rest of the evening, and into the early morning hours loving each other, making promises and saying, with words and without, all the things we needed to say. We slept in late, walked to our favorite cafe for breakfast and headed back into town to get the kids.
I don't think I've ever had such an amazing weekend. It was everything I was hoping for, and I can't think of anyone I would rather have shared the experience with.
What a PERFECT evening. The music was amazing, and the venue so intimate and sexy it was impossible not to leave there feeling romantic. Dim lights, small tables set around the stage, amazing food and wines, impeccable service, and a cool jazz club vibe that lent itself to hushed conversation and long, knowing glances.
There wasn't a bad seat in the house, but we lucked out and got the best seats available in my opinion. We ended up center stage, four tables back from the stage. Not so close you had to crane your neck to watch, but close enough to feel like he was singing to you alone. There wasn't anything distracting or tacky going on either. Just a stage with a mic, a base player, guitarist, and a pianist on a baby grand piano. Intimate is really the only word to describe it.
We enjoyed our drinks and dinner before the show, then shared a decadent chocolate dessert during the performance. Afterwards we walked back to our hotel in the warm night air, taking our time and holding hands. Just sort of lingering in the moment. When we got back BLT gave me a special gift he picked out for me. Small, lovely ruby stud earrings. Nothing extravagant, it's not his style - but something beautiful and special that he picked out just for me. He knows me so well, and I adore them.
We spent the rest of the evening, and into the early morning hours loving each other, making promises and saying, with words and without, all the things we needed to say. We slept in late, walked to our favorite cafe for breakfast and headed back into town to get the kids.
I don't think I've ever had such an amazing weekend. It was everything I was hoping for, and I can't think of anyone I would rather have shared the experience with.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Romantic Getaway
Tomorrow I'm dropping the kids off at my former in laws house for an overnight visit. BLT and I will be going to Jazz Alley to have dinner and see a "Sinatra-esque" style, grammy award winning singer. BLT loves him some Sinatra, and this is a nice swanky place for a date. I've picked up a pretty, strapless dress on clearance to wear, and something a tad naughty to go underneath it. I think he'll approve ;)
I booked us a hotel room a few blocks away, so we can both have a few drinks and not worry about who's driving home. Plus, home is about two hours away, and I didn't relish the long drive late at night.
Now we can stroll back to the hotel in the warm night air, undress each other and have some lovely hotel sex...yummy!
I booked us a hotel room a few blocks away, so we can both have a few drinks and not worry about who's driving home. Plus, home is about two hours away, and I didn't relish the long drive late at night.
Now we can stroll back to the hotel in the warm night air, undress each other and have some lovely hotel sex...yummy!
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