The in-laws informed me today that after December they will no longer be able to pay for Monkey Pants full time Kindergarten tuition. I know this is in response to me limiting their access to the kids.
I only signed up for the full time program because the Not-So-Grand parents offered to pay the tuition. Now I'm going to be left trying to find room in my scary tight budget for tuition, or I'll have to pull Monkey Pants from the program and find a free class that has room. The problem is that I live in a very tiny town. The other two part time / free classes are full. To remove her from the tuition based class means she'll likely have to change schools... that's not an option with my daycare situation. Also that would be so disruptive to her I can't imagine putting her through this kind of change.
I'm so tired of broken promises. They convinced me to get the two older kids cell phones for safety reasons, saying they would pay for them... I put the contract in my name, and never once saw any money for those bills. They promised to put money towards the ridiculously high car payment I was stuck with when the X went to jail... never saw a penny of that money either. Now they're going back on their promise to pay the tuition. I'm done being manipulated by them. I'm done letting them use money to control my choices or my behavior.
I guess it's just more proof that they don't really care what's in the best interest of the kids... it's all about them, their feelings, their pride, their perception of control and irrational need for it.
Well you know what? They can take their money and shove it. I'll figure it out on my own.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Bigger Isn't Always Better
The joy of simplicity is a new lesson for me. In the past, I admit that I was a gluttonous consumer. I bought into the suburban ideal of bigger, better, fancier, and more expensive as the road to happiness.
I pushed my ex husband to buy bigger houses each time we had another child on the way. I was convinced we needed bigger cars, or better cars with more features. Somehow I thought if I lived in a "better" neighborhood, in a bigger house I would be happy. If I could have those cherry hardwood floors and granite counter tops I could feel satisfied. If I hosted Thanksgiving for 20 and bankrupted myself buying the perfect table ware and decorations then I would prove what a good wife and mother I was. I would be worthy... I would be lovable if I could be a cross between Martha Steward and Mary Poppins. I made napkin rings and place cards for goodness sake.
And you know what? I didn't feel more loved. I wasn't satisfied with my ginormous house that took forever to clean. I felt put out and exhausted, and mostly unappreciated.
This year I hosted a smaller dinner for my parents, Ethel's family, BLT, the kids and I. I used a table cloth and dishes I already had. I asked for help. I nixed the heels and fancy dress and chose instead to wear jeans and pulled my hair back in a pony tail. I laughed, I cried a little, I said a genuine prayer of gratitude for the people I love and for the blessings in my life. For the first time in longer than I can remember I felt HAPPY as I sat down to eat my Thanksgiving meal. I felt appreciated and loved.... and I didn't have to have a fancy house or new dishes, or handmade napkin rings to get it.
This lesson of simplicity and appreciation is a long time coming. I'm enjoying this new way of life.
I pushed my ex husband to buy bigger houses each time we had another child on the way. I was convinced we needed bigger cars, or better cars with more features. Somehow I thought if I lived in a "better" neighborhood, in a bigger house I would be happy. If I could have those cherry hardwood floors and granite counter tops I could feel satisfied. If I hosted Thanksgiving for 20 and bankrupted myself buying the perfect table ware and decorations then I would prove what a good wife and mother I was. I would be worthy... I would be lovable if I could be a cross between Martha Steward and Mary Poppins. I made napkin rings and place cards for goodness sake.
And you know what? I didn't feel more loved. I wasn't satisfied with my ginormous house that took forever to clean. I felt put out and exhausted, and mostly unappreciated.
This year I hosted a smaller dinner for my parents, Ethel's family, BLT, the kids and I. I used a table cloth and dishes I already had. I asked for help. I nixed the heels and fancy dress and chose instead to wear jeans and pulled my hair back in a pony tail. I laughed, I cried a little, I said a genuine prayer of gratitude for the people I love and for the blessings in my life. For the first time in longer than I can remember I felt HAPPY as I sat down to eat my Thanksgiving meal. I felt appreciated and loved.... and I didn't have to have a fancy house or new dishes, or handmade napkin rings to get it.
This lesson of simplicity and appreciation is a long time coming. I'm enjoying this new way of life.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Home with my Turkeys
We are hosting Thanksgiving dinner today at my house. I have all my most beloved with me; My kids, My Parents, BLT and Ethel.
I need nothing more than this.
I barely remember the holidays last year. Several months after the incident are just a blur. All I could do was get up, go to work, come home, eat, and pass out. I hid in sleep. I blocked out everything I just couldn't deal with. I was in and out of court, injured, unsure where we were going to live or how I was going to take care of four kids all alone. All I could do was survive and try to avoid making any major decisions.
This year I'm HERE, I'm present. I'm thankful and aware of my blessings.
I hope all of my loved ones, and friends - old and new - have a blessed holiday. I hope you're surrounded by those you love in the comfort of a warm home. And most of all I wish you all PIE... yummy, warm, ooey-gooey pie that makes your eyes roll back in your head it's so tasty!
Happy Thanksgiving my friends!
I need nothing more than this.
I barely remember the holidays last year. Several months after the incident are just a blur. All I could do was get up, go to work, come home, eat, and pass out. I hid in sleep. I blocked out everything I just couldn't deal with. I was in and out of court, injured, unsure where we were going to live or how I was going to take care of four kids all alone. All I could do was survive and try to avoid making any major decisions.
This year I'm HERE, I'm present. I'm thankful and aware of my blessings.
I hope all of my loved ones, and friends - old and new - have a blessed holiday. I hope you're surrounded by those you love in the comfort of a warm home. And most of all I wish you all PIE... yummy, warm, ooey-gooey pie that makes your eyes roll back in your head it's so tasty!
Happy Thanksgiving my friends!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Blizzards, Birthdays, Bonuses and Bitches
It's been a busy, CRAZY busy week. We got 20+ inches of snow, and are expecting a bit more to come tomorrow. I spent well over an hour with a snow shovel, as BLT doesn't own boots and it's in the teens here temp. wise. I dug us out - the snow was as high as my knees! Today we only had to work a half day, so we went and bought that man some winter gear!
Today is Monkey Pants' 6th birthday. We celebrated with her favorite dinner - mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese. LOL, weird combo I know, but hey...that's what you get when you offer to make a six year old anything they want to eat! Grandma got her a Pillow Pet and embroidered her name on it for her. BLT picked up a stuffed monkey and a Rapunzel doll - both were quite the hit. She woke us up at the ass-crack of dawn to say, "isn't there something you want to say to me?" Heh, yes she's precocious!
The boss man at work called BLT and I into the office and told us that being such a tiny company they can't afford to give us any kind of holiday bonus in cash, but we did each get a 50.00 gift certificate to our local butcher shop (mmm, and out here that means it's FRESH and usually Organic, like "get that cow out of the field because LoM wants steak tonight!) and we'll be closed from December 23 - January 3rd, but we'll get paid for all the days we are closed! NICE!! We are both very excited... we were just happy to have the time off to spend together, and for BLT to drive home to see his family for a couple days. Getting paid for it wasn't expected at all!
And now to the "bitch" section of this post. Neither of my psychotic X's parents sent Monkey Pants a gift for her birthday. Both asked when they could see her. I told both of them the same thing, that their therapist and I both agree that it's not in their best interest to have anything more than limited contact with family or friends who are actively supporting and/or excusing the X. I gave both parties my mailing address and asked them to mail any gifts or cards to her and I would make sure she got them on her birthday. In true narcissistic fashion they're more worried about their hurt feelings than my poor child, and neither of them ended up mailing her anything. And I made the damn fool mistake of telling Monkey Pants a gift was in the mail from Grandma because we couldn't get together with them right now, so she's been waiting and she was disappointed today. I feel like an ass for assuming they wouldn't punish the child because they are upset with me. What a couple of twat waffles...
So I went to the store and bought an extra gift today. If on Monday there isn't anything in the mail I'll wrap it up and pretend it's from Grandma. At least it will make her feel better, and I'll know not to make promises I'm not sure they'll keep. It's not her fault her grandparents are useless, spineless, self obsessed a-holes. I feel guilty. I feel like if I just sucked it up, and dealt with the anxiety and bit my tongue, or just let them keep abusing me then they wouldn't be punishing the kids. I just can't believe anyone would punish a small child like that...it's their own grandchild for craps sake! Who does that? Either way I guess they've shown their true colors. Now I have to figure out how to explain it to the little ones when they ask why.
Today is Monkey Pants' 6th birthday. We celebrated with her favorite dinner - mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese. LOL, weird combo I know, but hey...that's what you get when you offer to make a six year old anything they want to eat! Grandma got her a Pillow Pet and embroidered her name on it for her. BLT picked up a stuffed monkey and a Rapunzel doll - both were quite the hit. She woke us up at the ass-crack of dawn to say, "isn't there something you want to say to me?" Heh, yes she's precocious!
The boss man at work called BLT and I into the office and told us that being such a tiny company they can't afford to give us any kind of holiday bonus in cash, but we did each get a 50.00 gift certificate to our local butcher shop (mmm, and out here that means it's FRESH and usually Organic, like "get that cow out of the field because LoM wants steak tonight!) and we'll be closed from December 23 - January 3rd, but we'll get paid for all the days we are closed! NICE!! We are both very excited... we were just happy to have the time off to spend together, and for BLT to drive home to see his family for a couple days. Getting paid for it wasn't expected at all!
And now to the "bitch" section of this post. Neither of my psychotic X's parents sent Monkey Pants a gift for her birthday. Both asked when they could see her. I told both of them the same thing, that their therapist and I both agree that it's not in their best interest to have anything more than limited contact with family or friends who are actively supporting and/or excusing the X. I gave both parties my mailing address and asked them to mail any gifts or cards to her and I would make sure she got them on her birthday. In true narcissistic fashion they're more worried about their hurt feelings than my poor child, and neither of them ended up mailing her anything. And I made the damn fool mistake of telling Monkey Pants a gift was in the mail from Grandma because we couldn't get together with them right now, so she's been waiting and she was disappointed today. I feel like an ass for assuming they wouldn't punish the child because they are upset with me. What a couple of twat waffles...
So I went to the store and bought an extra gift today. If on Monday there isn't anything in the mail I'll wrap it up and pretend it's from Grandma. At least it will make her feel better, and I'll know not to make promises I'm not sure they'll keep. It's not her fault her grandparents are useless, spineless, self obsessed a-holes. I feel guilty. I feel like if I just sucked it up, and dealt with the anxiety and bit my tongue, or just let them keep abusing me then they wouldn't be punishing the kids. I just can't believe anyone would punish a small child like that...it's their own grandchild for craps sake! Who does that? Either way I guess they've shown their true colors. Now I have to figure out how to explain it to the little ones when they ask why.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Controling the Anxiety, Standing Up For Myself, and Not Making Plans
I've had several pretty massive panic attacks lately. I've also had several smaller, more easily controlled bouts of anxiety as well. I'm working on removing the things from my life that cause those anxious feelings, and dealing with the ones that I can't remove. What causes me the most stress is finding myself in situations where I don't have control, especially in regards to my former husband's family. I don't know what information they are funnelling to him and/or his bulldog lawyers. I can't handle having them minimize my feelings or what the kids are going through. Dealing with them at all is a huge trigger for me.
To this end I sent my former father in a law an email that told him, in no uncertain terms, that his contact with my children is limited to written communication or cards/gifts sent by mail. Their therapist and I both agree that the children should only have limited contact with any of my X's family members that are actively excusing his behavior and who are not expecting him to take responsibility for the damage he's done. The former FIL has only seen the kids 2 times in the past year and a half, and never once called me to find out if they were okay. Even when we were only 1 step up from being homeless. If it weren't for Ethel and my parents we would have had to live in my car - but that man lives in a 5000 square foot house with at least 4 bedrooms. Were it my grand-kids I wouldn't care how much I disliked my former daughter/son in law and I would suck it up and offer them a place to live.
As for standing up for myself, well my former mother in law called work and left a message for me. She wants to know if she gets to see Monkey Pants this week for her birthday. She also wanted to know what the plan was for Christmas. I stood my ground. I called her home and left a message on her machine. I told her that I wasn't ready to see her, and that if she wished to she may mail her gift to Monkey Pants and I would ensure that she gets it on her birthday. I told her that I was not ready to decide about Christmas yet, and that I would let her know. I did inform her that the children would not be attending the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and gift orgy at the Great-Grandparents house. (I heard the horrible and hateful things they said about my former father in law when he divorced the X's mother years ago... and right in front of my X and I. I won't have my girls subjected to that kind of poison) I also informed her that if I do agree to meet with them it will be at a restaurant or neutral location. I do not wish to be in their home.
I didn't tell them why, they don't need to know that it makes me feel very vulnerable. I have no control in their environment. I don't want them to know where I live, so they obviously can't come here to my home. So for now, I'm going to refuse to make plans. I'm going to play things by ear and see how I'm feeling closer to Christmas.
Whenever I start to feel anxious, I just keep hearing Ethel's voice in my head, "what can you control right now? Breath deeply and slowly and focus on the things within your control. You've got this, you're not alone."
Whewww... I've got this. I'm not alone.
To this end I sent my former father in a law an email that told him, in no uncertain terms, that his contact with my children is limited to written communication or cards/gifts sent by mail. Their therapist and I both agree that the children should only have limited contact with any of my X's family members that are actively excusing his behavior and who are not expecting him to take responsibility for the damage he's done. The former FIL has only seen the kids 2 times in the past year and a half, and never once called me to find out if they were okay. Even when we were only 1 step up from being homeless. If it weren't for Ethel and my parents we would have had to live in my car - but that man lives in a 5000 square foot house with at least 4 bedrooms. Were it my grand-kids I wouldn't care how much I disliked my former daughter/son in law and I would suck it up and offer them a place to live.
As for standing up for myself, well my former mother in law called work and left a message for me. She wants to know if she gets to see Monkey Pants this week for her birthday. She also wanted to know what the plan was for Christmas. I stood my ground. I called her home and left a message on her machine. I told her that I wasn't ready to see her, and that if she wished to she may mail her gift to Monkey Pants and I would ensure that she gets it on her birthday. I told her that I was not ready to decide about Christmas yet, and that I would let her know. I did inform her that the children would not be attending the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and gift orgy at the Great-Grandparents house. (I heard the horrible and hateful things they said about my former father in law when he divorced the X's mother years ago... and right in front of my X and I. I won't have my girls subjected to that kind of poison) I also informed her that if I do agree to meet with them it will be at a restaurant or neutral location. I do not wish to be in their home.
I didn't tell them why, they don't need to know that it makes me feel very vulnerable. I have no control in their environment. I don't want them to know where I live, so they obviously can't come here to my home. So for now, I'm going to refuse to make plans. I'm going to play things by ear and see how I'm feeling closer to Christmas.
Whenever I start to feel anxious, I just keep hearing Ethel's voice in my head, "what can you control right now? Breath deeply and slowly and focus on the things within your control. You've got this, you're not alone."
Whewww... I've got this. I'm not alone.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
The Wreckers - Leave The Pieces (OFFICIAL VIDEO) HQ
This one is for you Ethel... listen with an open heart. I love me some you...
Friday, November 19, 2010
What do you love about me?
It's a question I've wanted to ask BLT for awhile now. What do you love about me, exactly?
He tells me that I treat him better than anyone else he's ever dated. Is that love? Or are you just appreciative because all your former girl friends have been less than stellar? I mean it has to be more than that if it's going to last.
He tells me all the time how hot I am. And not just in the heat of the moment, BLT excels at showing me how beautiful he finds me. Which of course I love to hear....I am a woman after all. But beauty fades, we all know that.
So other than being hot and kind what is it? What has convinced him that we can make it for the long haul? I mean, I know exactly why I love him. His sense of humor, his appreciation of the little things in life, the fact that he's one of the most considerate people I've ever met. He's a good friend, and he's kind to his siblings and parents. He is patient with my girls, and he knows how to mix having fun with being a good role model for them. He makes me feel sexy. He says he's sorry if he makes mistakes, and he's an amazing listener.
I feel like an ass if I come right out and ask him. I don't want him to think I'm fishing for compliments - because that's not what it's about. I just want to know what he's feeling, what he's thinking. I need to know that it's real.
Does that make me needy? Ugh, I HATE needy people and I don't want to be that person.
He tells me that I treat him better than anyone else he's ever dated. Is that love? Or are you just appreciative because all your former girl friends have been less than stellar? I mean it has to be more than that if it's going to last.
He tells me all the time how hot I am. And not just in the heat of the moment, BLT excels at showing me how beautiful he finds me. Which of course I love to hear....I am a woman after all. But beauty fades, we all know that.
So other than being hot and kind what is it? What has convinced him that we can make it for the long haul? I mean, I know exactly why I love him. His sense of humor, his appreciation of the little things in life, the fact that he's one of the most considerate people I've ever met. He's a good friend, and he's kind to his siblings and parents. He is patient with my girls, and he knows how to mix having fun with being a good role model for them. He makes me feel sexy. He says he's sorry if he makes mistakes, and he's an amazing listener.
I feel like an ass if I come right out and ask him. I don't want him to think I'm fishing for compliments - because that's not what it's about. I just want to know what he's feeling, what he's thinking. I need to know that it's real.
Does that make me needy? Ugh, I HATE needy people and I don't want to be that person.
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