Making a house a home...

BLT and I spent the weekend putting wood laminate flooring in TNT and Monkey Pants' bedroom. Last weekend Ethel and I pulled up the carpet and pad. Then I painted the room two different colors.

This weekend it's the wood flooring. Next weekend hopefully it's changing out the ugly light fixtures to something fun, to be followed by handmade curtains for the three windows with some matching bed pillows.

The last job I have for this room is going to require the use of a carpenter/handyman I know. There is no closet in this room and with two, eventually three young ones in that big ol' room a closet is a necessity. Once that's done it's onto one of my many other projects for this little blue cottage.

I can't even explain how nice it was to do a home improvement job with BLT. He was calm, patient, worked with a sense of humor I found refreshing, and best of all he told me when I was nit-picking and being bitchy. I know it sounds weird, but I love that he's secure enough in "us" that he can tell me when I'm out of line and I need to just step back and stop being a bitch.

I know I get stressed when a project doesn't go exactly right...and in a house that is 90 years old there is never going to be anything that goes as planned, lol, I need to just accept that one right now or I'll make myself and everyone else nuts! BLT, in his infinate understanding of what makes me tick kissed me and told me to chill out or he wasn't going to be able to help me finish the job. I needed to hear it. I don't always realize - mid hissy fit - that I'm being unpleasant. It takes someone to lovingly put it into perspective for me, and he does that without any blame or unneccesary critisism.

So... job nearly done. There are some really complicated cuts necessary for the last row since the walls in this old place are not anywhere close to level or square! The handyman I mentioned will come in and finish that last row, as well as instal the moulding - again, lots of odd angles and little nitches so I'm going to have a professional take care of that part to save myself the time, money, and aggrivation of doing it myself.... sometimes you should just know when to cut your losses and call in the professionals - know what I mean?

Whatever you say can, and will, be used against you...

Pariah: Adj. 1. An Outcast 2. A person to be avoided 3. Your former daughter in law who has moved on with her life and is living with a man other than your son.

Yep - that about covers it. Since informing my former in-laws that BLT and I are seriously involved and living together I have not heard a word from them. Seeing as how my former father in law / uncle was in constant communication up until this point it's a noticeable difference.

Monkey Pants' tuition for Kindergarten was past due, so I made a friendly "hey, in case you didn't know" telephone call and left them a message. They chose not to call back. I did receive a check in the mail - no note attached or anything. I'm being avoided - and you know what? It's FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC!!

Since I've already pissed them off it won't get any worse when they find out that I talked to my lawyer yesterday and we are going forward with requesting the judge extend the no contact order for the children for another year. It expires soon, and B.S.C (Bat Shit Crazy) ex husband wrote the children letters stating that he was working on getting permission for them to visit him. ARE YOU NUTS? Rhetorical question of course. There is no way I'm standing by and letting my four young children visit him in prison. No way, No how, Never going to happen.

Also - this would give us 7 months after his release to make sure he's going to any court ordered counseling, parole, whatever that might be required of him before he can petition the court for visitation. I think this is a good thing, he has to earn back the right to visit his kids - that's one of the consequences for his behavior. It's my job to make sure those children are protected and I will do that to the very best of my ability whether the in-laws like it or not.

So from here on out I figure it's truth time. No more avoiding them, no more discreet lies to try and salvage some king of relationship with them. I need to fully move on with my life, and that means being honest with myself and others. I don't need their approval or respect. I'll be cordial for the sake of the kids so that visits with the grandparents aren't too awkward, but that's it.

Whew...this is rather liberating! Now that they are avoiding me things are so much easier all around. This should have happened months ago!

I love it when he...

Sings out loud in car.
Washes my back in the shower.
Talks about his daughter with total love and devotion.
Unconsciously pulls me towards him in the middle of the night.
Holds the door open for me.
Puts things into perspective.
Tucks my little ones in for the night.
Tells me that I'm beautiful.
Cooks with me.
Slides his tongue across my bare shoulders.
Helps me clean the house without complaining.
Listens to the stories of my past and doesn't judge me.
Lets me sleep in.
Opens up and tells me his most personal and intimate secrets.
Makes me laugh when I need it the most.

In so many ways he's the man I've always wanted in my life. He's not perfect, but he's such a good, strong, loving man. Sometimes I find myself looking for problems. I look for the imperfections because deep down I know he's the only man I've ever given the power to break my heart, and I get scared.

He said, "You're going to marry me someday"

Someday, maybe... maybe not.

Is it terrible that he can say something like that to me and my first response is..."well MAYBE, maybe someday...."

He loves me. He's so confident in our future together. It's me that has all the fears and the trepidation in regards to marriage. I mean really - it's not that shocking considering the fact that it was only 11 months ago that my X went bat shit crazy and tried to shoot me.

I'm so happy with the way things are at the moment. It feels right. The kids are happy, I'm loved and feel safe and satisfied in the relationship we have exactly as it is. I don't want to screw that up. He's of the opinion that living together is trying to have your cake and eat it too, and that if I'm committed to him then he wants the whole enchilada - rings, vows, and all. He's willing to wait until I'm on board, but he's sure it's going to happen. How can he be so sure? What if we are a horrible married couple? What if we suddenly feel trapped? What if we get bored of each other or the sex starts to suck?

He's never been married. I don't think he realizes how much control and how much of your yourself you give up when you take that step. It's not about how much I love him - because that is not in doubt for me at all. It's about not loosing myself ever again. I did that once, and it was the worst feeling of my life.

He wants to give the kids a "real" family. I want to show them that you don't have to do something just because its conventional. He wants to know I'm committed to him. I want him to accept that I'm his - good times or bad and we don't need a piece of paper from the state to prove it. He wants to take care of me. I want him to know I'm strong and able of taking care of myself.

Is he unrealistic? Am I too pessimistic? Is there a way to meet in the middle? I can honestly say that this is the first time in my adult life I feel that I'm truly in love. And I love him for all the right reasons - not out of fear of being alone, or a desire to have someone take care of me. It's not about looking for the "American Dream" or feeling pressured in any way. It's about me loving the person that he is, loving who we are as a couple. It's the fact that I'm a better person when he's around. He grounds me, makes me feel calm. I'm a better mother to my girls. It's about our chemistry together - amazing sex, open communication, and finding someone who understands me.

So if that's the case, why am I afraid? Does it mean there's something wrong that I can't admit to myself? I can't figure out why the idea of marrying this AMAZING, loving, strong, sexy, talented, respectful, hard working man of my dreams scares the snot out of me!

Big dreams for my little cottage - and an update.

First the update. I spoke to the crime victims caseworker at Labor and Industries they claim that my former insurance was still in effect and that payment must be made by my former insurance company, and anything not covered will be paid by them.

The insurance company claims that regardless of coverage these injuries were received due to a crime and Crime Victims must pay. I told them both to duke it out on their own end, and that refuse to pay one penny.

Second... my little blue cottage! I'm starting a fun project this holiday weekend. I was given the okay from my landlord to pull up the carpet in TNT's bedroom. Due to allergies and severe asthma we can't have carpet in the room where TNT sleeps. This long weekend I'll pull up the carpet, pad, and tack strips. I'll get the floor all cleaned and prepped - and then next weekend BLT and I will install laminate wood flooring in that room. I already have Pergo downstairs in the main living area and I love it.

I have several home improvement projects planned for my little cottage. I have to paint TNT's room, build a stone path to a fire pit in the backyard, re-stain my picket fence and deck, strip the wallpaper in the bathroom and paint the walls, freshen up the paint on the little barn in my back yard, and BLT and I have instructions on building Adirondack chairs and outdoor planters. We want to make some planters for Christmas gifts and chairs for our own use next summer on the patio. Oh speaking of the patio, it needs to be power washed and then sealed with concrete stain.

Lots of plans... and very little time or money, lol. Lucky for me few of these jobs are expensive. My landlord left stain and paint in the shed, I can borrow the power washer from my parents etc. Mostly it's all elbow grease :) I'm excited to get started this weekend!

And the drama goes on...

I got a lovely call today. A collection agent - which, to be honest, is nothing new. A fantastically fun byproduct of my divorce. He gets to walk away debt free because mommy and daddy paid off his debts while he sits in jail and I get saddled with credit card bills, car payments, student loans, collection agents, a foreclosed house, the entire cost of raising four kids AND... drum roll please....

Medical bills.

When X brought that gun to my house I got away with a separated shoulder and my foot was broken in two places. The medical bills were supposed to be paid by Labor and Industries from a victims relief fund. I was told the bills were paid. I come to find out tonight that they never were and I've been sent to collections for a total of over $3000.00 in hospital bills.

I don't have three grand. I don't have a grand. I don't have a spare twenty bucks. I also don't have the desire to keep messing with this crap day in and day out. I just want some god damned peace. I want one freaking day where I don't have some new and hideous fall out to deal with. One day without finding out there's something else coming around to bite me on the ass.

I'm not sure what my options are. The collection agent was very kind. She made notes, took down my identification number and case number and said she would work on it on her end. I may have to contact the state and try to reopen a case with them. She wanted to be honest with me though that these cases, once denied are seldom paid after the fact.

So once again... I get screwed. Screwed by the X. Screwed by the system. Screwed by the in-laws. I'm ready to cry.

Letting Someone Take Care of Me

This is a learning process, this learning to let go thing. In the past my not-so-nice X wasn't exactly nurturing. When I had Strep Throat and I needed him to take the kids to the dentist his answer was, "Jesus, I don't even know where their dentist is..." Okay father of the year, never mind, I guess I'll deal with it on my own while I feel like death.

It was more than nice, it was down right amazing, to have BLT take a day off of work to take care of me while I have this stomach bug. I apparently picked up a NASTY bacterial infection sometime in the past couple weeks and it's been sitting in my lower intestine building up enough of it's vile little friends to attack my system and kick my ass big time!! I've never thrown up so violently in my life.

BLT - being the exceptional man that he is - cooked for me, cleaned my house, took care of my kids, went grocery shopping and brought me back Gatorade and Crackers. He rubbed my head, told me I was gorgeous, and did the laundry. He took my kids to preschool and picked them up again, and was in general my hero.

And you know what? I felt totally guilty the entire time. I kept apologizing. I was sorry for being sick, sorry I was disgusting and I kept making our bathroom smell like vomit, sorry for not being able to make dinner, sorry the kids were...well kids. It was so hard to watch him taking care of everyone and it wasn't him making me feel bad. It's my own hang up. He never once complained. In fact all he said was, "Baby, stop apologizing. I know you would do the same for me." Never a complaint or a big sigh or an obnoxious eye roll.

He makes it impossible not to love him.