I have faith.

Today I took a long walk.  I mean LONG here people... nearly two hours!! I was talking to Ethel and lost track of time... that happens a lot. We spend quite a bit of time chatting about relationships, men, kids, and life in general. Sometimes we're bitching, some times we're commiserating.  Sometimes we're just being idiots. 

While I was walking I saw a little old couple ahead of me.  They are moving in that slow, leisurely way of people who aren't in any rush to get anywhere in particular.  They are talking, heads bent towards each other, walking in step - a rhythm that they probably aren't even aware of.  He stops and picks a blue bell from out of the rocks, beside the road and he hands it to her.  She actually blushes a little... or maybe it's the cool wind, but I prefer to think that he's responsible for the pink in her cheeks.  She takes the flower in one hand, and his weathered hand in her other.  They continue their walk and she leans her head on his shoulder for a moment. 

It was so sweet.  So pure and lovely.   It gives me faith in love.

Earlier in my walk I came to the end of a long dirt road.  The road ends in a field.  There in the grass is a Momma deer and the tiniest baby deer I've ever seen.  It couldn't yet stand very well... all wobbly legs and knobby knees.  I was too far away to get a decent picture, and I could tell my presence was making Momma Deer very uncomfortable. She was trying to use her body to shield the baby and her ears were flat back against her head.

I decided, rather than linger for my own enjoyment, to leave as quietly as possible back down the road I had taken in.

Once again, so sweet and natural and just lovely.  It gives me faith in renewal and growth.

It's been quite a lovely day all around. 

Pretty Girl...

I wish I was "pretty". I have moments when I feel attractive, but I am certainly not everyone's vision of beauty. I'm 5'10" to begin with. I'm not dainty, and the last word anyone would choose to describe me is delicate. I am not fashionably thin, nor am I busty or plush as Ethel likes to say. I am just in the middle... Average.

I rarely feel feminine. I work in an industrial automotive shop. I wear jeans and thermal shirts (no heat in the shop, only a wood stove, it's freaking freezing out there). I have long nails, but a manicure is a waste of time and money... And I don't have soft hands.

I have long, thick, nearly black hair... No highlights, no drama. I wish I had beautiful hair, all I can say for mine is that it's thick and healthy. I would say the same for my neighbor's German Sheppard...

I don't have any striking or unique features except for my very long legs, which cause my height. I have large hands, large feet, and am in general a "Sarah Plain and Tall" type character.

I wish I was pretty. I wish I was delicate and graceful. I wish I was more than average.

I feel like, were I to describe myself as a color, I would be beige... I really dislike beige. I need to find some color, some kind of spark. I need to find some "pretty" before BLT figures out he can do better!

It's just like riding a bike...

Now I know why that saying is true. It's been over 20 years since I last rode a bicycle. Last November BLT surprised me with the cutest, girliest pink Schwinn called the Debutant. Today I purchased a brain bucket, thank you Bikin for the suggestions, and a nice basket for the front. I raised the seat, attached the basket, and checked the tires- then it was off for my first bike ride in twenty years! It started to sprinkle after half an hour, and I had to go get Monkey Pants from a birthday party anyway, but it was a great first ride!

I can't wait to go out again!

Passive Aggressive Is Just Gross..

Wrong, bad, icky, sick, and oh so very Douche-Waffle-Ly

It appears that Ethel's soon to be- sort of is - future ex-husband is back to his old tricks.  I'm not even sure it's conscious.  I think being passive aggressive is how he's learned to treat her, and how he's managed to get what he needs or wants from those around him. 

That being said... damn that is REALLY f'ing annoying!!  His newest move is more of the begging and "why won't you promise to let me back into your life, because it's not about what YOU need it's about what I WANT!?" that he's been famous for lately.  But he's added a new trick into his repertoire of manipulation.  See Mr. Fred and Ms. Ethel are both participants in a message board/forum/online support group for people and their spouses who struggled with Sexual Addiction.  Well Mr. Fred has used this forum to push his agenda in a not so subtle fashion and for the most part Ethel has chosen to ignore his pointed jabs, pushing, and obvious attempts to persuade her to take him back.

Instead she focused on herself, her online journaling, and reading/participating in the forums when it was applicable to her.  Well she recently posted on her personal online journal about a relationship she's having and Mr. Fred just can't seem to realize that it's not about HIM anymore.  She's traveling her own path now, independent from him and his many, varied issues. 

Recently Mr. Fred made a very obvious attempt to make Ethel feel guilty by posting that he's leaving the forum because what he's reading is "just too painful" for him.  Okay, that's your prerogative.  Why do you have to be a drama llama and make a big post about it?  Both of you have only been participants in the forum for 2-3 months... you don't have any long term friends or anyone that you have to explain yourself to.  Why not just decided that for your own personal well being it's time to stop reading and move on?  Oh ya... that's right... that's not how emotionally abusive and manipulative people operate.  See it's not about you leaving or staying, it's about getting any kind of attention from Ethel that you can... it's about attempting to make her feel guilty for YOUR CHOICE to remove yourself from the support group instead of simply not reading her private journal.

Once again though he's the victim.... and really, I've been his friend for more than 15 years and I care about him, but this whole passive aggressive thing is so very... VERY... unattractive.  He's got to stop.

Be strong Ethel... Lucy Loves You!

My favorite Tee

I found this top in a sale bin at the thrift store... On the back is a little devil's tail....  *giggle*  Maybe I should have put on a bra before I took the picture!? Hey I never claimed to be a classy girl!

Lovers, Liars and Lawyers

Well I've been a busy girl...

As you read in my previous post my Mother's day pretty much sucked ass.  There's no other way to put it.  My kids were...well they were kids. They don't have their own money, they don't drive, and nobody was around to remind them it was Mother's Day.  BLT didn't mean any disrespect, and once he realized my feelings were hurt he felt like a jerk.  He told me that he remembered his mother, and even my mother- but he's never had a girlfriend who was a mother.  He said, "I'm an ass, I didn't even think about you that way and I dropped the ball." Being gone three days prior to Mother's day on a business trip didn't help any.

He offered to take me to dinner and a movie - and I'll cash in when we get paid again in another week.  So in the end no harm, no foul...I'll survive.  Plus he felt so bad we had the most amazing make up sex EVAH! Whoo hoo, I'm talkin' bone melting hot.  Dang that man of mine can turn on the tasty charm when he's motivated!

A couple days later I had an unpleasant surprise.  I was served papers by my X's scummy lawyer. He's hauling me into court demanding shared custody and get this... he wants child support FROM ME!!!  Oh ya, someone is smokin' crack in that camp.  It is a 33 page motion full of lies, excuses, and bullshit.  There is no other way to put it.  Ethel read it all and I swear she nearly gagged on some of the crap he was shoveling.  It's pathetic.

There were ridiculous stipulations about me being cooperative in his efforts to get the kids passports (uhhh... NO you are not taking my kids out of the country Capt. Crazy Pants!) and about me giving up the rights provided in my Restraining Order and providing him with my home address and phone numbers so that he could have access to the kids.  Again I said, "hell to the no...but thanks!"

I was especially fond of the two pages of rambling poor me story line that detailed how he was a victim, and since his release he's bonded with his grandfather over the death of his grandmother, and how their mutual grief and loss of beloved spouses resonates within his soul.  I would like to mention that his grandparents dislike him greatly and I've been assured by my former Father In Law that this is still the case.

So anyway, it's back to court we go.  He - with a box of tissues and a barrel of lies.  Me, armed with 911 tapes, police reports, declarations by family members, friends, therapists, and medical records.  I feel secure in my position that he won't get what he wants.  But I don't have the money to fight the good fight for long so I really hope he doesn't drag this out.  Of that I have no faith at all. 

I do worry about the uber liberal retards in the family court system though.  This state has this moronic statute that basically says that parents have a right be a part of their kids lives as long as there is only a minimal amount of harm caused.  You know, it's okay to mess up your kids... just a little...  as long as it salvages a bad parents rights.  We wouldn't want to trample on that drug dealing, meth head, hooker mom's right to influence her young children now would we?  Or in my X's case - we wouldn't want to get in the way of an irresponsible, absent, half crazy, abusive gun toting a-hole's attempts to emotionally manipulate his children in order to punish his ex-wife would we?  *sigh*

I'm going to have to just admit that I don't have control here. I can prepare the best I can.  I can arm myself with facts and depositions.  I can even bring in specialists and doctors.  But in the end it will be up the judge and I have to have faith that the judge is not going to put my kids lives in danger.  I have to have faith in that or I'll never make it through all this without loosing my mind.

Today I was an after thought...

And you know what? It sucks...

No cards, no flowers, no recognition that it's mothers day.

I'm ready for the day to just be over.

HNT Share

I'll share a secret... I hate, HATE my stomach.  So in an effort to be more accepting of my body here is this weeks HNT (Half Naked Thursday) photo.

Four kids in six years - gaining and then loosing nearly 60 lbs, and a lapriscopic surgery left me with a tummy I would rather hide under bulky layers than show off.... but here it is.... 

Oh and the photo is in black and white because I'm playing with the settings on my new iPhone App, lol!

I know you hear me... but are you listening?

Sometimes I think listening is a lost art form.  I know people hear me, but it seems that they only hear a part of what I'm saying.  Or they assume facts that I've never shared or said.  Or they plain old ignore what I've said.  Mostly these days it's my kids... and lets be honest that's what kids, especially teens, do.  I get that.  It doesn't make it any less annoying though.

BLT and I run into this.  He's not trying to be malicious.  I know this, but it's one of those annoying communication issues between men and women.  In an attempt to be supportive, and because he loves me, he says things like, "I think you're perfect just the way you are."  He doesn't hear ME and absorb what I'm feeling when I say, "I'm unhappy with the the way that I am.  I want to be healthier.  I want to be thinner. I want to feel sexy."   His answer is always, "You are sexy"  but it's not about how he perceives me.  It's about how I feel in my own skin.  It's how I feel when were intimate. It's the image I see in the mirror each day.

I've run into this a LOT with my former in-laws.  They assume things I haven't said.  They don't hear the kids and I when we say that we don't want my X in our lives.  They don't hear me when I say that the kids and I are finally happy, that we truly are at home here in this small town, loving our house and the family we've turned into with BLT.  They hear what they want. They focus on the minutia and miss the big picture. 

Maybe that's just communication in general?  Maybe I'm expecting too much?  Maybe I'm not being clear? George Bernard Shaw once said that the biggest problem with communication was the impression that it has it taken place.  I think he's onto something there.