I wasn't sure I would be back...

The past year brought so many good things. Amazing, soul lightening, beautiful things.
A wedding, a step daughter (so that makes FIVE daughters!) amazing growth in our business, new friends, and... A baby!!
Well not quite yet. BLT and I got married last April. It was perfect. Everything I could have dreamed of. It was intimate, romantic, colorful, and whimsical all at the same time. It may be the only wedding where Dr Seuss and Kermit the Frog were both quoted - and there was heckling and audience participation to the extent that we all laughed until we cried.
By July I was pregnant, and our little one is due just two weeks before our 1st anniversary. We are stunned to have found out recently that this little blessing is a boy. After five girls we are thrilled, but I won't lie, I'm kind of scared shitless at the idea. We have about 15 weeks until he makes his appearance and it still brings me to a halt and causes a little trickle of panic in the back of my mind if I really stop to think about it. I have no experience raising boys. I have no nephews. Dear God please don't less me screw him up.
With all the good has, naturally, come the bad. That has kept me away from my blog here more than anything I think. While sharing positive news is fun and uplifting - well the negative is harder to dwell on and to share. This Summer, at the same time our son was conceived I lost my Papa J. Even now, all these months later I'm sobbing while typing. It's a huge, gaping hole in the lives of my kids and I. It hurts. A lot. He knew he was dying and we all got to say goodbye. And then, in 24 hours, a man I loved my whole life was gone and his absence is so keenly felt I just don't have any words to adequately express what I'm feeling.
Managing and maneuvering through my own grief has been hard. Doing the same for my children has been a gut wrenching experience.
But we are here. We celebrate our victories. We still cry over our losses. There is love, and laughter, and new life around us - and we carry on.
I think I'm ready to stop hiding from it all and get back to recording what I'm feeling. It's less raw now most days.
I wanted to hold the good close and keep it private. Like a warm protective blanket. To just relish in this family BLT and I created and to selfishly keep all that joy to ourselves.
I also wanted to avoid the pain of putting into words, of seeing it in the harsh black and white on the screen, that Papa is gone. Thinking that as his life ended this new one came into being should feel like a blessing, but it doesn't. More than anything I wish he could have met his only grandson. I would have loved for my son to know the gentle, renaissance man that he will be named after. It will forever be one of my regrets. But I am ready to share the burden of that grief in some way. Perhaps doing so will help ease this broken heart I'm still carrying inside me.

Everything is on the back burner

Wedding prep came to a screetching halt.  I'm sick.  I don't mean sniffles or tummy trouble.  I mean, it's taking all my energy to sit up and type this sick.  I dealt with childhood asthma that was pretty serious while I was growing up.  Ethel visited me more than once at the hospital when my lungs would fill up with fluid.

Well some kind of cold has kicked up my asthma again big time.

I missed work every day this week.  I had to cancel my briday shower, and I had to reschedule my bridal fitting. 

BLT had to head out of town to a trade show, so I'm laying in bed being taken care of by the kids.  Poor things... this is no fun for anyone!

Keeping a secret is hard.

I finally told BLT about the surprise bachelor party I arranged for him.  It's a month earlier than I anticipated telling him - but it was still a great surprise.

One evening last week I was obsessing about the friend in the previous post who isn't coming to my bridal shower because she can't rock the boat at home.  BLT's take on it is that yes, it's upsetting, but in all honesty I should be really happy that I have friends willing to throw me a shower at all.  He said, not unkindly or with spite, "Hey doll, I'm not even having a bachelor party. All my friends are two states away, and I'm not pissed about it." And I could tell he wasn't mad, but there was a little wistful quality of regret in his voice.

It was REALLY hard not to spill the beans right there and tell him.  But I smiled sympathetically and nodded and we moved on with the conversation. I have been keeping this secret since December or January when I first decided I wanted to try and work out a surprise bachelor party for him.  I purchased his plane tickets back in January, and I got the ball rolling by contacting friends and his dad and putting the party planning in their hands.

I talked to my mom later that week and she recommended I finally tell BLT about his party.  She had several good points. 1. This way BLT can contact Fraggle's grandparents and arrange a visit while he's down there.  2. He can get his paycheck early and have spending money. 3. He can be a part of the planning to make sure that anyone I don't know, who is important to him, can attend.  and last but not least, I don't take the chance of someone else spoiling the surprise before I can tell him. 

So the other day at work I called him over and gave him the printed itinerary.  I fessed up about all my scheming and the plans I know of that are in the works.  He was very surprised.  It was awesome if I do say so myself.

Whewww... I'm glad it's out in the open now! I know his buddies are going to take care of him! I told them all I don't want any details.  It was my job to get him down there, and it's their job to make sure he comes home hung over!  Heh...  All I told BLT was that there was one rule; Don't bring home anything you plan on having for the rest of your life...  he laughed at me, but he's knows exactly what I'm saying!

Reciprocity and Priority

Reciprocity

— n , pl -ities
1. reciprocal action or relation
2. a mutual exchange of commercial or other privileges
[C18: via French from Latin reciprocus reciprocal ]

I've been thinking a bit about this fancy little word for the past few days. See, it all started because a friend of over 20 years recently informed me that she would not be able to attend my Bridal Shower because... get this...

It's a doozy...

SHE HAS TO COOK, AND CLEAN HER HOUSE, SO HER LIVE IN WASTREL OF A BOYFRIEND CAN HOST WRESTLE-MANIA THAT NIGHT.

Yes folks I am getting ditched at my Bridal Shower so her useless, a-hole of a boyfriend doesn't have to clean up his own home, or feed his own friends. Not to mention that he can't possibly manage to watch their two children while he and the Bro's are watching grown men in UnderRoos oil up and swing each other around by the crotch.

I'm sure you can tell by my pleasant tone and turn of phrase that I'm upset. I'm downright pissed to be exact. I feel really let down, and I'm just shocked that she's not going to be there for me. BLT and Ethel both knew right away what it was. It's not just disappointment at one of my oldest friends bailing out of my shower it's the fact that if the roles were revered I would move heaven and Earth to be there for her shower. I would call in favors for baby sitting if I had to. I would pay a house cleaner if it was really necessary (but really ... do you think any of those guys is giving her china cabinet the white glove once over? I highly doubt it.) And I would tell the ol' boys to order some pizza, and BYOB if they want drinks. I would NEVER blow her off for something so trivial.

And that's what hurts. It's not a priority to her. You hope that if you are a good friend, when it counts your friends will be there for you as well. In this instance there is no reciprocity and she doesn't even get that I'm insulted. Keeping that lazy, good for nothing jack-wagon from bitching at her is a higher priority than celebrating with me, my daughters, and all our nearest and dearest friends.

Honestly I'm not sure how I get over this one. Maybe it sounds silly to the rest of you? I admit that BLT doesn't think it's as big of a deal as I do - but I feel so totally insulted. I told Ethel that the next time this person invites me over to do anything I'll have to tell her that I can't attend because there is a Hillbilly Hand Fishin' marathon on TLC I just can't miss....

Frustrated,
Lucy

Adapting, Changing, Growing, Learning

It's crazy how many times I've logged into the the ol' blog here and started to put all my thoughts into words, only to have it all fizzle out.  I start out with a bang and slowly it gets convoluted and mixed up, and turns into nothing but a ramble of jubbled gobbly-goo with no message - no clear progression of thought.  And so I hit the delete key and say, "I'll try another day. " Only the next time I put fingers to keys it still doesn't produce that witty blog post I've been hoping for.

Maybe it's writers block, maybe it's that I've lost the zest for railing about the ills of my former marriage and the trials of single parenting - especially since I'm not "single" anymore in any sense of the word.  For the first time in my adult life I have a partner - and I feel totally fullfilled in that relationship.  Not too many people want to hear about your bliss.  Anger, frustration, and drunken mishaps are ever so much more amusing! :)

I don't have any funny quips about dating to share - no inside tips on couponing, tutorials on making your own homemade deodorant from baking soda and evergreen needles or home decor ideas (lets be honest, picking the socks and barbie shoes off the stairs is my method of decorating!) so I'm not sure if I have anything of any real value to write about these days.

What does one share when things are going right?  If anyone cares my wedding is in 39 days... yep...  April 28th BLT and I are tieing the ol Knot at a beautiful Bed and Breakfast location in the mountains.  I can't tell you how excited and nervous I am at the same time.  Wedding plans are progressing nicely.  Invites were mailed and RSPV's are arriving.  We even received a wedding gift in the mail - I was so surprised I squeeled! The dress is being altered as we speak, and a suit ordered for BLT.  Flower girl dresses were sewn by my mom and I.  I built a cup cake tower. We wrote our own vows.  I picked out vintage gifts for my future in laws and sisters.  And I planned a surprise bachelor party for BLT back home with his best dude friends - he has no idea! It'll be GREAT!

How about legalities? The GAL was finally appointed and finished up her report just last week.  As expected she recommends that my Ex go through a significant amount of therapy - alone and with the children later - before he's allowed any access.  So full custody and all decision making for the children stay with me.  WHEWWWW...  I assumed that would be the case, but damn it's great to see it in writing. Now we just have to go to court for the final parenting plan to be written.  Easier said than done since the X is still full on crazy as the Mad Hatter and won't agree to anything.  So the fight goes on.... and lets be honest, I fully anticipate that the fight with him will go on until my last daughter turns 18.  So a bit over ten years of dealing with his rediculous accusations, and being hauled into court on his whim. I'm still trying to navigate a relationship with my former in-laws for the sake of the kids.  It's hard, and sometimes it hurts so bad my heart breaks in a way I could never have anticipated.  I wanted to divorce the man - not the entire family system I had grown to know and love over the years.  Some days I cry a lot.  Some days I can be pragmatic and understand that everything changes and all I can do is adapt.

I guess that's the theme of this post... adapting.  The blog, like me, is having growing pains.  All around me life is changing.  I'm getting married, my kids are growing up, my X isn't growing up.  I'm navigating a new relationship with former family members.  Our company is growing and work is busier than ever (thank God!) All around me there are opportunities to either accept this new life and change, or to desperately cling to what is known and comfortable.  I'm choosing to adapt. 

And a Fraggle Makes Five!

One of the major developments during my month long blog-cation (see how I did that, mixed the word blog with vacation... oh ya... this is some FINE writing here)  was that BLT's little one, Fraggle, came to stay with us for nearly the full month.

Five kids in the house - well five GIRLS to be exact - makes for a busy, loud, drama filled house.  Everyone got along really well, don't get me wrong.  But girls are just emotional creatures, LOUD, giggling, singing, drama queens.  It worked out great though, and she slid into place as the baby of the family with very few bumps in the road. As my good friend and mother of six always jokes - "When you have another kid it's just one more box of macaroni and cheese!" Having a preschooler in the house again was fun. It's a good thing I have a giant, vintage claw foot tub though, because the three youngest ones always wanted to hop in the bubble bath together!  It gave me serious baby fever though.  I looked at BLT at one point and said... come on baby... just one more?

Poor guy looked like I asked him to re roof the house naked in a snow storm.  He was not impressed with my suggestion.  Deep down I know he's right... hell it's not even deep down.  I just plain ol' know it's not going to happen!

It was amazing having the whole family together for an extended period of time.  We are convinced now, more than ever, that once the GAL is done and we have a final parenting plan in place with my X that we'll move forward with bringing Fraggle to live with us full time.  It's the right thing to do.  Her mother is nowhere in the picture and she's primarily raised by aging grandparents. They've done a great job and are loving grandparents - but he's her daddy and the deal has always been that he would have primary custody once it was possible.  So, now it's possible.   Fraggle gets instant siblings - whom she adores, so it's a win-win situation in my opinion.

So now we've officially got our own Girls Volleyball Team - I think they need a name.  We already have the idiot pugs for mascots.  Give the girls half a chance and they'll have them in jerseys.  YIKES!

Are you there blog... It's me Lucy....

Long time no see huh?
I needed a hiatus.  I needed to get through the Holidays and the madness that post holiday fatigue bring to my life.  I needed to focus on all the GAL bullshit that's infiltrated every corner of our lives. 

The past month has brought a bit of frustration, a few tears, lots of joy, lots of fun, and LOT checked off my "to do" list.  I started the PINK method diet... go ahead and google it, I'm too lazy to link this morning.  I was told the first two weeks I was grumpy.  I don't recall being grumpy, but it's certainly  not impossible - I was going through serious caffeine withdrawal. 

There is wedding prep galore going on around the BLT & Lucy abode.  We are making tissue pomanders, getting dresses fitted, and trying to find a suit for BLT.  Mostly though we are just worrying how we'll pay for it all.  I calculated that over 45 thousand dollars, my entire life savings and a chunk borrowed from my parents, has been spent in 2 1/2 years trying to get divorced from my gun toting X and to ensure the kids safety. GAL fees are currently what is sucking me dry - and there's  no end in sight.  I have to fight to prove to the court why I shouldn't be financially responsible for HIS monitored visitation and court ordered therapy... REALLY??  No child support for two years while he's in jail for trying to shoot me and I'm responsible for his therapy? How the (insert filthy expletive here) is that even fair?   Anyway... I digress... that's a whole different post I'm sure.  For now, lets continue to catch up shall we?

Taxes are done - that's another big weight off my mind.  I'll be able to give it all to my parents to start paying back the above mentioned loan.  It's a drop in the bucket - but every bit counts, and my pride won't let me keep money - even to pay for the wedding - if I owe them.  It's just not right to buy stuff for myself if I still owe them, know what I mean? I couldn't live with myself.

So I apologize for my long absence.  I haven't read my favorite blogs even to keep up with everyone.  I've just sort of tuned out and focused all my attention on the kids, the bills, and BLT.  But I'm ready to rejoin the land of living...

Say Hi and let me know if anyone is still out there! :)