I wont go so far as to say that I'm dreading my appointment tomorrow, but in no way could I say that I'm looking forward to it. I'm not really good at expressing my feelings, especially in the company of strangers... at least not when I have to look at them. Talking about my fears, and revealing my insecurities to someone else makes me distinctly uncomfortable. I guess that's why I like blogging so much. It's fairly anonymous, and I don't have to look anyone in the eye or deal with uncomfortable stretches of silence.
On some level I feel silly that I can't deal with this on my own. It's not like I was beaten up on a daily basis, or chained to a wall and starved of human companionship. My counselor specializes in PTSD related to domestic violence - and I'm sure she is used to dealing with cases of women who have been truly, horrifically abused by their spouses. What I had was a single episode, and as traumatic as it was it was a single day... a moment in time. I feel weak for not being able to get over it and move on with my life.
What's odd is that I would never judge anyone else for getting counseling if they felt they needed it - and yet I'm embarrassed to be going myself. I don't want to tell anyone outside of my immediate family. I feel as though I'll be judged and found lacking, or that somehow I'll disappoint someone.
I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow night.
Your experience was no less damaging then anyone else's whether it was one time or many times. My husband used to tell me, you are not abused - you've never had a broken bone or been to the hospital. No minimizing!!! : )
ReplyDeleteI agree with Cassee01. The fact that the abuse was not longterm doesn't make it any less valid. Plus, in a way there was mental abuse all throughout your marriage....or at least I always felt there was. You suffered a trauma (mental & physical). You deserve to receive help. There is someone who is waiting to help you. Be brave and proud that you are willing to take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Ethel
p.s. so glad I'm immediate family ;).
I'm happy that you're doing this. You may be surprised at how easy it is to let this out.
ReplyDeleteLet it OUT! It can't hurt you if it's out of you!!
I'm gonna side with cassee01 & GG - you don't get to the point of having a rifle pointed at you without a whole lotta other shit going down first.
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you're seeking help. Trust me, they're used to dealing with people that have trouble expressing their feelings. They'll help you through that - it's what they do. If you have to - close your eyes & talk. Or imagine you're relating this to BLT.
Trust your therapist and let it out.
(Or cheat & do what I do - write notes out ahead of time to remind you what you wanted to say).
I do that too AND I take notes during the session or I'll totally forget what I want to talk about or what I'm supposed to think about/work on before the next session.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today and feel free to give me a call if you wanna chat.
I'm here to send you a big hug. You're a strong woman. (And I encourage you to write a note to yourself beforehand, too, re: what you've been thinking about...)
ReplyDelete