It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Watching your children suffer

Friday's counseling session with Lady Bug was much worse than my own the previous day. Watching your child genuinely grieve is the hardest thing I've ever done. She is so busy carrying around her own hurt, and then to top it off she's shouldering the burden of HIS imaginary, over inflated, ego-ridden pain.

She told the therapist about her dad telling her how to commit suicide. The therapist then let me know that she's required by law to contact Child Protective Services and have a file opened. Once again the X makes a huge god damned mess and I'm the one who gets to clean it up. I'm not worried that CPS will find me lacking in any way. My kids are well cared for, we live in a nice town, they have good schools and get good grades. They're not being abused in my home in any way. However, it's another pain in the ass hoop for me to jump through.

Both counselors asked me if my X had lost his parental rights. When I informed them that no, he had not, they were very surprised. Both told me that I have avenues available to me if I want to pursue that route. I'm honestly not sure. Lady Bug is in so much pain, and either way she ends up on the loosing end. Either I do what I have to, and I prove him unfit. She is emotionally and physically safe - but she looses her father, possibly forever. She may never forgive me for that. If I do nothing I KNOW... KNOW with every fiber of my being that he's going to let her down and break her heart at the very least. At the worst he attempts to hurt us again, or uses the kids to hurt me. Either way she suffers. I just have to decide what is the lesser of two evils.

I hate being put into this position. It's one more reason for me to hate him. I can't stand watching her suffer. It's much worse than suffering myself.


  1. She'll only lose her father forever if she decides to. When she's 18 she can choose to re-connect if she desire (or dares). In the mean time, you sure seem to have justifiable reasons for pursuing removal of the X's parental rights. The counselors also would be a good gauge to use.

    Seems to me that the more painful counseling sessions are often the most cathartic. It sucks dredging up all that nasty old shit, but letting it go is so freeing.

  2. My kids have no contact with their father - his choice and it is the best thing for us all.

    He only added drama, manipulation, broken promises and ugliness.

    It is hard and some days they do miss him but for the most part they are happy and well adjusted.

    So when he does reappear I will do what I can do make him disappear again.

    Yes he is their father but unless he adds to their lives I refuse to have him around!

  3. Just cuz his sperm helped create your kids, does not mean he is their father.

    Good luck with whatever choice you have to make.

  4. One step at a time. I'm here for ya.

  5. Everything that bikinfool said? Ditto.

    Big hugs, momma. You got this.

  6. As a single father, for the life of me, I don't understand some dads. Its really too bad that murder is illegal, because there a few homies out there that I personally know that I'd LOVE to put a cap in....