It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I really should know better...

I'm over the age of thirty, I've been around the block a time or two. Okay not really - I got married very young and didn't really "date" before that... but I am old enough to know a few things. So why am I being stupid? What is it about me that pushes me to to do things I know I'll regret?

Specifically there are a couple situations in my life at the moment. One - the former in laws. Why do I give them the power to hurt or frustrate me? These people are paying for the divorce lawyer who's sole job is to screw my children out of the resources I'm fighting for on their behalf. I'm SO frustrated with them for choosing the X over our children, but I still put myself in positions where I have to see them, where I open myself up to be frustrated and hurt by their behavior towards me and the kids. I know I can't just cut them off from their grandchildren... I understand that and I wouldn't want to do that to my kids, they're really attached to their Grandma and Grandpa. So why do I keep interacting with them in this way, why don't I just tell them how I feel and stop trying to keep everyone happy. I can't make them happy, as far as they're concerned I'm the reason their son is in jail.

Second...and here is the biggie... I'm totally falling for the BLT. Why don't I be honest, I've totally FALLEN for the BLT. A little more each day he's wriggled into my heart. His quiet support, his acceptance of me in all my faulty glory, his sense of humor, his good good soul. I told him not to fall in love with me, and all he said was, "well that's not up to you....I love you, all of you, exactly the way you are. You can either accept my love or not, but you don't get to decide for me how I'll feel" Jesus...what do I say to that? There are so many stumbling blocks in the way of this being a legitimate long term relationship.

1. He lives several states away. His friends, family, job... well his life is there.
2. He has a child of his own and a complicated joint custody arrangement
3. He is broke...beyond broke. He may never have the resources to move to the state I live in, and I can't move my kids out of state. My job is here, my kids whole support network is here, and the court decree says I can't take them out of state w/o the X's approval and that will never happen.
4. He is four years younger than I am. I'm not sure why that's an issue, but several people think I'm pulling an ol' Mrs. Robinson / cougar thing by being involved with someone years younger than myself. If he was four years older they wouldn't think a thing of it. I find that quite hypocritical actually.
5. I have a dangerous X, and he doesn't like the idea of me being with anyone but him. Asking the BLT to be a part of my life may actually put him in danger. Is that fair of me? Do I have the right to be selfish and ask someone to put their own safety on the line for my own happiness?

So here I am in love with someone inaccessible. Jeez, I know better. I've told myself a hundred times over the past 6 months not to care, to keep it casual, don't fall for this guy... walk away. And I can't. Every time we talk I get a ridiculous grin my friends have dubbed, "the look". He kisses me and I can't form a coherent sentence to save my life. It doesn't help that I have a major case of lust where he's concerned...that part of our relationship is breathtaking.

There's a part of me that knows it can't possibly work out, and that when he meets someone close to home, younger, prettier, no kids, no crazy X, no complications... well I already care enough to walk away. I can't let him know how much it hurts, and damn I know it's going to break my heart. But the thing is I want him to be happy... and once he realizes he can do better, or we just can't overcome all these obstacles I will have to let him go...

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