It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Day 1... of the rest of my life...

Day one of the rest of my life. I would think this would have started with a bang, a proclamation of some kind, perhaps a moment of enlightenment. No, nothing exciting, or monumental happened.

I woke up this morning and realized that my life was not over. I found out two days ago that my Ex... who we shall now forever refer to as X will be a guest of our state correctional facility for the next 14 months.

This is both the ending and the beginning I've been waiting for. It's one of the last pieces of a messy, semi-tragic, puzzle that has been my life for the past six months - well really for the past fifteen years. I expected to feel this giant weight lifted off my shoulders, but instead I just felt sad.

To this day I don't wish horrible things for him. I just want him to leave me alone. I want peace, I want to be happy, I want to feel safe. I want to feel loved and respected, I want to learn to like myself again. I want to have fun, I want to feel sexy and desired, I want someone to want me - and want them in return. I'm working on it - little things here and there.

Life, as it tends to do, has plotted against my best efforts. I asked the BFF if it's possible that I have somehow accumulated so much bad Karma in a former life that there's just no hope of something good happening for me these days. I feel cursed.

Broken appliances, cracked windshields, crazy and unstable X, eviction, injury, computer problems, cyber stalking, theft, in law problems, money problems. You name it, it has come raining down upon my shoulders this year. To end my year with a bang my pockets were picked New Years Eve... about four minutes till Midnight... I rang in the new year on the phone w/ my cell company getting my stolen cell phone shut down.

I'm desperately trying to get divorced, but X won't sign. I've been semi homeless, injured, and cyber stalked beyond belief. I just feel scrubbed raw and tossed aside like an unwanted potato, sort of pale and flavorless, easily discarded.

And with all that? I know that things can only get better...right? I mean really, can they get much worse? Should I even tempt fate - that cruel bitch - and ask that question? I lay in bed last night thinking, which I do a lot. I rarely sleep, and when I do I have the most horrible nightmares. I was thinking of all the ways my life could be worse: cancer, unemployment, pregnancy, death in the family... and oddly that made me feel better.

So I woke up today and realized that my life is not over. It's not tidy. It's certainly not fun. But I'll get up, shave my legs, put on a pair of heels that make me feel fierce and face my day with as much cheerfulness as I can muster.

It's my little F-You to Karma...


  1. I take all the hugs I can get these days Nikki, lol... just not from gun wielding X's :)

  2. Oh goodness thats scary, I pray for your safety.

  3. Hells to the yeah.

    Love it!

    Love you!!

    Go girl!