I'm thinking more and more about the difference in age between BLT and I. Should it matter? Should it bother me? Should I worry or care what other people think? For some odd reason it does bug me - when we aren't together. When we spend time together I never think about it all. It's not like there are any physical indicators of our age difference we are both in our 30's...he's just closer to the 30 mark and I'm inching closer to the 40 mark. We enjoy the same movies and food, he makes me laugh. He makes me feel beautiful and happy. I like the person I am when we're together, the person I see in his eyes.
Then I come home. A few weeks pass, and the insecurities set in. What if the BLT wants to get married some day? What if he wants more children of his own? I don't ever plan on giving anyone the kind of power over me that marriage requires, not again. I learned my lesson. I also won't have any more children. I could, but not at my age, no thank you. The BLT could find someone in their mid to late 20's, and he would still have plenty of time to get married and start a family.
And lets be honest, physically there is no way a 30 something mother of several children can hold a candle to a nice firm 20 year old without stretch marks. No matter how in shape I am (and I do work out and take care of myself...I'm not a total hag) but I'm no nubile 20 something.
Then there are the comments from others. The "cougar" references when people find out about the four year age difference. The "dirty old lady" jokes and knowing grins. I'm not even going to lie, I appreciate the physical, shall we say, bennefits of a sexual relationship with someone slightly younger, in good physical condition, and with unusual stamina. He really is very yummy and quite skilled. But that's not the end all-be all of our relationship, and if the BLT happened to be five years older, a little slower... well I would still love all the other things about him. I would still love the way he makes me feel about myself.
SO WHY SHOULD I CARE? I can't figure out why it bugs me when we're apart. Is it just my own insecurity? Is it society reinforcing the stigma of the younger man/older woman relationship? I wish I could figure it out. I wish I could just get over it.