Being Lonely

I'm lonely. I'm not alone, but I'm lonely. That being said, I would still prefer to be lonely and actually be alone (relationship wise) than be lonely and be married. That disconnected feeling makes you feel as though there is something wrong with you personally. If you were prettier, funnier, sexier, smarter...whatever... your spouse would shower you with attention, would listen when you talked, would want to try new things together. When you realize that you haven't said a word to each other in days you start to assume there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I think there was something wrong with our marriage. I think I am fun, and pretty, and witty, and all of those other things - I just think over time the shine faded and like so many other things in our lives I got pushed aside. I was comfortable and he assumed I would just always be there, whether he paid attention to me or not. Kind of like the couch. Everyone is glad to have one when they need it - but you don't spend a whole lot of time thinking about it, worrying about it, or taking care of it.

Now I'm still lonely but at least I'm actually alone. There is someone I want to be with, but that person is a long ways away, and we see each other once every two - three months. And while I'm hoping that we can figure out a way to make a go of a relationship, it would require a move on his part. We have both said that is what we want...but what I've learned lately is that in this life we will very seldom get what we want. My desire to have him closer is no guarentee that he'll have the money to move, that'll he'll work out a job situation up here, or that my life and the complications that come with it (kids, psychotic X, living in the middle of nowhere... I sound like a real "catch" don't I?) are worth it to him.

So, it's Friday night... no dinner date, nobody to hold me on the couch and listen to the rain hit the windows, nobody to watch tv with, no warm body to curl around me in the middle of the night.

I know in my heart I did the right thing getting divorced, but that sure doesn't make this hurt any less.