I feel like my life is on hold, which is crazy - because in reality it's moving full speed ahead whether I'm ready for it or not.
My girls are growing faster than I can feed and clothe them. My work is so busy I can't get everything done in a day that needs to be done. My personal life is, well... complicated. But I love my BLT and he loves me and that's some kind of progress forward. He's coming out for the first time to visit, so that's movement in some direction as well.
But even with all of this, I feel stagnant. I feel like I can't let go of being MARRIED. Due to circumstances outside of my control I can't get the X to sign divorce papers. I can't put that part of my life behind me. In some ways I feel like a liar and a fraud. I'm still technically a married woman and I'm in love with someone else. I share a bed with him, I cry on his shoulder and tell him my darkest secrets.
When people ask if I'm divorced I lie and say yes, because I don't want to answer uncomfortable questions. I don't have the guts to be honest. I shouldn't care what random people think, if they approve of how I'm living my life. But I do care what people think. In typical "eldest child" fashion I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy, I want people to approve of me. Shit, I stayed in a marriage for nearly five years longer than I should because I didn't want to disappoint my family and friends.
There are parts of being married I miss. I won't even lie and say it was all horrible. I've learned that I don't like sleeping alone. I miss having a warm body in bed with me. I miss having someone there when I have a nightmare, even if it's just to talk it out with in the morning. I miss seeing another car in the driveway and knowing I'm not coming home to a cold, dark, empty house. I miss my big, beautiul 3600 square foot, five bedroom, four bathroom house. I won't lie... I totally miss it. Living in a 600 square foot duplex sucks ass.
Then there are the things I want, but never had. The things I hope for in a future relationship: someone to read in bed with, someone who will help me around the house - without me having to nag and beg for assistance, someone who will take me dancing, someone who likes my family and will be happy to spend time with them now and then, someone who doesn't make me be the decision maker all the time in a passive aggressive way to get out of responsibility, somone who will make love to me in the shower, or the kitchen, or the couch...some place other than only in bed. I want someone who wants to have new experiences WITH me, go to a new restaurant, try a new sport, go out to a comedy club or take a cooking class...something new we can try together.
And the bummer is, I don't feel like I can have ANY of those things until I can get divorced. I can't move past this place in my life until he signs the damn papers and we finish this once and for all.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
He says the most amazing things.
Some times I don't know what to say to BLT. He takes my breath away with this absolute acceptance of me. I've never felt that from anyone except my best friend. In so many ways the BLT is similar to Ethel. They think somewhat alike, they feel deeply and express themselves well, they push me out of my comfort zone and they call "bullshit" when I'm full of it - keeping me honest with myself when I really just want to hide from life.
I feel like he's the first man who's ever seen all of me. The good, bad, crazy, and even the boring little bits I try to keep hidden. He sees them, and he relishes in the good, accepts the bad, laughs at the crazy, and embraces the boring little weird things that make me unique.
He has this amazing knack for saying exactly what I need to hear, when I need it most. And not in some fake, cheesy, I'm just hoping to get into your panties type of way. Because let's be honest, he doesn't even have to work at that. One look, one kiss, one finger running across my collar bone and I'm jello. No, it's more like he can see inside my head and he knows what I need at any given moment. I'll be thinking about him, or worrying about something and he'll call at that exact moment when I really need to hear his voice. Maybe it's simply that I always need to hear his voice, at least more so lately than ever before.
He'll be here in 16 days, and I'm nervous. He wants to meet my parents - which is only fair I've met his parents several times now. He wants to meet my kids. Also only fair, since we've spent time with his child. He wants to be introduced to that part of my life and it scares the hell out of me. What if the circus I call my life is too much for him? What if this is all more than he bargained for, what if he runs? What if I'm not worth it?
I expressed these fears to him...well an abridged version... last night. After listening patiently, he said; "For the record, I've never felt so connected to anyone else in my entire life. If I can't make it with you doll then I'm not going to keep looking, because I love you and you are the very best thing that's ever come into my life. I have faith that we will work this out. This is our plan right? You and me."
And I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that this was OUR plan. Not my plan, not my hope. I needed to hear that he has faith we can work this out and find a way to be living in the same state so we can make an honest go of this relationship. He told me that he's thankful for me... thankful. It's an amazing thing to hear.
There are times I wish I was better at expressing myself. I wish that I could just open up and have all the things I'm feeling come out the way I mean them and not the mumbled, garbled mess that usually spews forth when I try and tell him how I feel.
I'm so afraid that my crazy schedule, my kids, my messy financial situation, the fact that I live way out in the boonies, my insane family... all of it. Well I'm afraid it'll be too much for him. I didn't want to fall in love with him, God help me I didn't, and I'm scared to think about what will happen if he walks away. How do I pick myself up from that one, especially on the heels of all the other crap I've dealt with this past year? Like a fool I gave him my heart, in ways I never have before.
All I can do is hold onto the fact that he has faith in us, in a possible future for us. I have to hold onto the fact that he's well aware that I'm a package deal and he hasn't run yet. Faith is hard for me right now. I'm trying, but it's scary and hard, and sometimes it's just not there.
I feel like he's the first man who's ever seen all of me. The good, bad, crazy, and even the boring little bits I try to keep hidden. He sees them, and he relishes in the good, accepts the bad, laughs at the crazy, and embraces the boring little weird things that make me unique.
He has this amazing knack for saying exactly what I need to hear, when I need it most. And not in some fake, cheesy, I'm just hoping to get into your panties type of way. Because let's be honest, he doesn't even have to work at that. One look, one kiss, one finger running across my collar bone and I'm jello. No, it's more like he can see inside my head and he knows what I need at any given moment. I'll be thinking about him, or worrying about something and he'll call at that exact moment when I really need to hear his voice. Maybe it's simply that I always need to hear his voice, at least more so lately than ever before.
He'll be here in 16 days, and I'm nervous. He wants to meet my parents - which is only fair I've met his parents several times now. He wants to meet my kids. Also only fair, since we've spent time with his child. He wants to be introduced to that part of my life and it scares the hell out of me. What if the circus I call my life is too much for him? What if this is all more than he bargained for, what if he runs? What if I'm not worth it?
I expressed these fears to him...well an abridged version... last night. After listening patiently, he said; "For the record, I've never felt so connected to anyone else in my entire life. If I can't make it with you doll then I'm not going to keep looking, because I love you and you are the very best thing that's ever come into my life. I have faith that we will work this out. This is our plan right? You and me."
And I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that this was OUR plan. Not my plan, not my hope. I needed to hear that he has faith we can work this out and find a way to be living in the same state so we can make an honest go of this relationship. He told me that he's thankful for me... thankful. It's an amazing thing to hear.
There are times I wish I was better at expressing myself. I wish that I could just open up and have all the things I'm feeling come out the way I mean them and not the mumbled, garbled mess that usually spews forth when I try and tell him how I feel.
I'm so afraid that my crazy schedule, my kids, my messy financial situation, the fact that I live way out in the boonies, my insane family... all of it. Well I'm afraid it'll be too much for him. I didn't want to fall in love with him, God help me I didn't, and I'm scared to think about what will happen if he walks away. How do I pick myself up from that one, especially on the heels of all the other crap I've dealt with this past year? Like a fool I gave him my heart, in ways I never have before.
All I can do is hold onto the fact that he has faith in us, in a possible future for us. I have to hold onto the fact that he's well aware that I'm a package deal and he hasn't run yet. Faith is hard for me right now. I'm trying, but it's scary and hard, and sometimes it's just not there.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Things to be thankful for
I'm going to try and be more aware of the simple gifts in my life. I'm going to make an effort to recognize the blessings. I think I'll get a small notebook and keep it in my purse, that way when I notice something, or I become aware of something that makes me happy or brings a smile to my face I can write it down right away.
I don't know why it's so easy to remember the bad stuff, to focus on the negative, and to let the ugly side of life intrude on my happiness. Why isn't it easier to focus on the positive, to find beauty and joy in simple things? Why don't I remember the kindness of strangers, but I can't forget the pain caused by a cruel words.
The things that made me happy today: Sunshine, Flowers blooming in the yard, A beautiful view, The smell of clean laundry, A funny email from a friend, Jogging without pain in my foot, Fresh baked cookies, Record sales at work, A small tax refund, A good meatball sub, A hug from a five year old, And last but not least... my first day off in 12 days!
When you read it, it's a very nice list of things to be thankful for.
I don't know why it's so easy to remember the bad stuff, to focus on the negative, and to let the ugly side of life intrude on my happiness. Why isn't it easier to focus on the positive, to find beauty and joy in simple things? Why don't I remember the kindness of strangers, but I can't forget the pain caused by a cruel words.
The things that made me happy today: Sunshine, Flowers blooming in the yard, A beautiful view, The smell of clean laundry, A funny email from a friend, Jogging without pain in my foot, Fresh baked cookies, Record sales at work, A small tax refund, A good meatball sub, A hug from a five year old, And last but not least... my first day off in 12 days!
When you read it, it's a very nice list of things to be thankful for.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Busy Hands
We are insanely busy at work, which is amazing, WONDERFUL really. I work for my family business, and a small family business is either feast or famine. Right now there is no money coming in, but we are frantically filling orders faster than we can process them. I can't hardly make enough product to fill each days orders before UPS gets there to ship it all out.
So that means that in 30 days we will start seeing checks, nice big, fat juicy checks! This is a great thing!
But I'm on my 11th straight day of work. Some of my days are more manual labor than anything else. I'm hauling material around, packing, shipping, wrapping, using the industrial presses to cut materials, building the fire up...shoot, on Monday I built a fence to keep our shop mascots from running off. Whatever needs to be done, I do it.
In a small business we all wear a lot of hats. We are all order takers, janitorial crew, maintenance, shipping/packing, and general shop "monkey" as the need arises. You have to be flexible, and you have to realize that no job is beneath any of us. When it needs to be done you deal with it, without being asked, and without complaining. That's the nature of the beast.
That being said, I have so much personal freedom in this job. I make my schedule pretty much. I drop my kids off at school, go to work, pick them up when school is over and they come to work with me for the evening to finish up my shift. The days are long, well over 8 hours - but if I need a day off to deal with sick kids, or a field trip at the kid's school I have the ability to do that. No questions asked. As a single mom I can't trade that for the world.
So I'm busy... busier than I ever thought I would be. Doing this mommy gig alone is amazingly tough some days, and I'm sure I'm not excelling. We are all struggling and adjusting. But I'm doing the very best I can. I'm kicking ass at work, and I'm still finding time to cook meals, help with homework, and keep my house fairly clean. It's amazing. It helps that I don't sleep much, lol.
Being busy also has another side benefit, I don't have time to stew. No time to worry about bills, or what will happen between the BLT and I, or when I'll be able to fix that crack in my windshield, or whether or not the X will violate his restraining order and try to find me when he gets out. When I'm busy at work I can just let that all go and focus on the job at hand.
I am learning to appreciate this aspect of my life a lot. I didn't know if I could do this job. But I'm learning so much, and I'm enjoying it. I'm really very thankful for this opportunity and I'm going to make the most of it!
So that means that in 30 days we will start seeing checks, nice big, fat juicy checks! This is a great thing!
But I'm on my 11th straight day of work. Some of my days are more manual labor than anything else. I'm hauling material around, packing, shipping, wrapping, using the industrial presses to cut materials, building the fire up...shoot, on Monday I built a fence to keep our shop mascots from running off. Whatever needs to be done, I do it.
In a small business we all wear a lot of hats. We are all order takers, janitorial crew, maintenance, shipping/packing, and general shop "monkey" as the need arises. You have to be flexible, and you have to realize that no job is beneath any of us. When it needs to be done you deal with it, without being asked, and without complaining. That's the nature of the beast.
That being said, I have so much personal freedom in this job. I make my schedule pretty much. I drop my kids off at school, go to work, pick them up when school is over and they come to work with me for the evening to finish up my shift. The days are long, well over 8 hours - but if I need a day off to deal with sick kids, or a field trip at the kid's school I have the ability to do that. No questions asked. As a single mom I can't trade that for the world.
So I'm busy... busier than I ever thought I would be. Doing this mommy gig alone is amazingly tough some days, and I'm sure I'm not excelling. We are all struggling and adjusting. But I'm doing the very best I can. I'm kicking ass at work, and I'm still finding time to cook meals, help with homework, and keep my house fairly clean. It's amazing. It helps that I don't sleep much, lol.
Being busy also has another side benefit, I don't have time to stew. No time to worry about bills, or what will happen between the BLT and I, or when I'll be able to fix that crack in my windshield, or whether or not the X will violate his restraining order and try to find me when he gets out. When I'm busy at work I can just let that all go and focus on the job at hand.
I am learning to appreciate this aspect of my life a lot. I didn't know if I could do this job. But I'm learning so much, and I'm enjoying it. I'm really very thankful for this opportunity and I'm going to make the most of it!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I want...
I'm wanting tonight. In so many little ways I'm wanting something. Someone mostly. I want my BLT to be here. I want some kissing, nice deep slow kissing. I want to slow dance, does that sound weird? I had this dream where the BLT and I were dancing to some slow, smokey jazz. One of those empty restaurant cliches where it's just the two of you.
My X would never dance with me. Even in highschool when we were dating he wouldn't dance with me. We didn't have music at our wedding because he didn't want to learn to dance.
I want someone who WANTS to dance with me. I want to feel our bodies pressed together, smell his skin, feel his hand on the small of my back. I just want to be wanted.
I'm feeling small and alone tonight. It was a rough day, emotionally, dealing with questions from my former inlaws. Dealing with bill collectors who think they'll manage to squeeze pennies from me with humiliation and unkind words.
I wish my BLT was here so I could just escape for a little while. When he touches me I can't think of anything but how he makes me feel, I don't worry about how I'll pay my bills, I don't fixate on things I can't control, I don't think about anything but touching and being touched, the giving and receiving of pleasure. He makes me feel beautiful and powerful and so very loved, and I could really use a little of that tonight.
My X would never dance with me. Even in highschool when we were dating he wouldn't dance with me. We didn't have music at our wedding because he didn't want to learn to dance.
I want someone who WANTS to dance with me. I want to feel our bodies pressed together, smell his skin, feel his hand on the small of my back. I just want to be wanted.
I'm feeling small and alone tonight. It was a rough day, emotionally, dealing with questions from my former inlaws. Dealing with bill collectors who think they'll manage to squeeze pennies from me with humiliation and unkind words.
I wish my BLT was here so I could just escape for a little while. When he touches me I can't think of anything but how he makes me feel, I don't worry about how I'll pay my bills, I don't fixate on things I can't control, I don't think about anything but touching and being touched, the giving and receiving of pleasure. He makes me feel beautiful and powerful and so very loved, and I could really use a little of that tonight.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Control Freak
There are certain areas of my life where I am, admitedly, a wee bit of a control freak. And by wee bit I mean huge (of course).
I think it's because I have a total lack of control in several areas of my life. I can't control when the X is released from prison. I can't control my financial situation, and the struggles I'm having due to the divorce. I can't control if the X is going to violate my Restraining Order and try to hurt me. I can't control the distance between the BLT and I, and I can't even really control whether my relationship with the BLT will last. I can't control that all my kids have to share one small bedroom or that they don't love where we live.
What I can control is the order of my closets, the tidyness of my pantry. I can alphabetize my dvd's, I can pay my bills on time (those I can afford to pay!) I can fold my towels into precise thirds and make three very even stacks. I can make my bed each morning and clean my room each evening so that when come home at night I have a peacefull oasis to retreat into. I can control those small areas of my life, and by doing so I feel calmer, safer, less frantic.
So for now, while I'm doing this whole mom thing alone, while I'm struggling in all these other areas of my life, I'm going to hold onto whatever shred of self control, financial control and environmental control I have.
It might seem silly...but it really does make me feel better.
I think it's because I have a total lack of control in several areas of my life. I can't control when the X is released from prison. I can't control my financial situation, and the struggles I'm having due to the divorce. I can't control if the X is going to violate my Restraining Order and try to hurt me. I can't control the distance between the BLT and I, and I can't even really control whether my relationship with the BLT will last. I can't control that all my kids have to share one small bedroom or that they don't love where we live.
What I can control is the order of my closets, the tidyness of my pantry. I can alphabetize my dvd's, I can pay my bills on time (those I can afford to pay!) I can fold my towels into precise thirds and make three very even stacks. I can make my bed each morning and clean my room each evening so that when come home at night I have a peacefull oasis to retreat into. I can control those small areas of my life, and by doing so I feel calmer, safer, less frantic.
So for now, while I'm doing this whole mom thing alone, while I'm struggling in all these other areas of my life, I'm going to hold onto whatever shred of self control, financial control and environmental control I have.
It might seem silly...but it really does make me feel better.
Monday, March 1, 2010
They Love Me In That Town!
I went out with friends on Saturday night, and I won't lie - It was a total ego boost. Per the request (more of a mild demand actually) from my friend who was hosting this little shin-dig I wore my sassy leather pants.
I am normally not the girl that gets noticed in bars. Well I get looks now and then. I'm quite tall for a girl so I'm not exactly inconspicuous if you know what I mean. But even then, I NEVER, not once, not ever, have I been asked out - given anyone's number - hit on... nothing. I'm not that girl. I give off some kind of vibe that says "do not disturb" and I don't even do it on purpose. I've always thought myself to be friendly and I'm talkative.
In fact a couple weeks ago my BFF Ethel and I were discussing this and some guy standing near by says to Ethel, "your friend there is all business, she ain't interested in nobody up in this place!" lol... so I guess it's obvious I'm unavailable.
That being said... I got some very nice attention from a couple total hotties on Saturday night! And not in that gross, leering, now I feel like I need to shower way. One guy walks past me and said, "man, you look just like Winnie Cooper!" and when I asked if it was a good thing he mumbled and walked off. Okay...whatever... lol.
About 20 min. later I'm in the ladies room and this girl keeps looking at me. Finally I say hi and smile and she says, "My friend thinks you are the most beautiful woman in this bar, he can't stop talking about how much you look like Winnie Cooper!!" I told her, "oh yes, we met!" lol... so I guess it is a good thing in his book.
Later that night two guys passed behind me, one says, "mmm....very nice" and his friend taps me on the shoulder and said, "oh ya, I agree!" I got the fist bump from Ethel on that one. Two more cuties!
A few more nice comments from ladies in the bar even - telling me things like, "wow, you're just SO PRETTY!"
I don't know if it was the leather pants, a really good hair day, or maybe they just dig long legged brunettes in that town. It's Ethel's opinion that I'm happy and I was throwing off "fun, happy girl vibes" that gained me so much attention that night. But whatever it was, I can't lie. Damn it felt good!
I spent the weekend walking a little taller, smiling a little more. The auto show I worked that weekend was successful, and I feel great about my job.
I'm just in a happy place at the moment. I'm going to sit back and enjoy it for as long as possible. In one month I get my BLT for a week. I'm just going to think about that the next time I can't find something to be happy about!
I am normally not the girl that gets noticed in bars. Well I get looks now and then. I'm quite tall for a girl so I'm not exactly inconspicuous if you know what I mean. But even then, I NEVER, not once, not ever, have I been asked out - given anyone's number - hit on... nothing. I'm not that girl. I give off some kind of vibe that says "do not disturb" and I don't even do it on purpose. I've always thought myself to be friendly and I'm talkative.
In fact a couple weeks ago my BFF Ethel and I were discussing this and some guy standing near by says to Ethel, "your friend there is all business, she ain't interested in nobody up in this place!" lol... so I guess it's obvious I'm unavailable.
That being said... I got some very nice attention from a couple total hotties on Saturday night! And not in that gross, leering, now I feel like I need to shower way. One guy walks past me and said, "man, you look just like Winnie Cooper!" and when I asked if it was a good thing he mumbled and walked off. Okay...whatever... lol.
About 20 min. later I'm in the ladies room and this girl keeps looking at me. Finally I say hi and smile and she says, "My friend thinks you are the most beautiful woman in this bar, he can't stop talking about how much you look like Winnie Cooper!!" I told her, "oh yes, we met!" lol... so I guess it is a good thing in his book.
Later that night two guys passed behind me, one says, "mmm....very nice" and his friend taps me on the shoulder and said, "oh ya, I agree!" I got the fist bump from Ethel on that one. Two more cuties!
A few more nice comments from ladies in the bar even - telling me things like, "wow, you're just SO PRETTY!"
I don't know if it was the leather pants, a really good hair day, or maybe they just dig long legged brunettes in that town. It's Ethel's opinion that I'm happy and I was throwing off "fun, happy girl vibes" that gained me so much attention that night. But whatever it was, I can't lie. Damn it felt good!
I spent the weekend walking a little taller, smiling a little more. The auto show I worked that weekend was successful, and I feel great about my job.
I'm just in a happy place at the moment. I'm going to sit back and enjoy it for as long as possible. In one month I get my BLT for a week. I'm just going to think about that the next time I can't find something to be happy about!
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