Living in the 1 %

I was talking to my mom today and she said, "Ever since X brought that gun to your house you live in the one percent."  I had to think about it for a minute, but she's right.  I go through life now expecting the rare, the unforeseen, the weird accidental mishap. 

A situation recently came up where a friend was trying to work out what do with their kiddo(s) while they went out on a late date.  The original idea was to leave the teen home alone.  Most likely everything would be just fine.  Realistically I understand this.  However I started to worry.  Then my mind went to all the "what ifs" that could happen. And being me, I had to say something.  I just couldn't let it go.

What if there was a fire, not even at their place... but next door?
What if she had to be evacuated for a gas leak, or some other area disaster?
What if the dog got out and the kiddo had to try and chase her down when it was dark and a busy body neighbor saw, and then called the police to complain?
What if there was a prowler or someone decided to mess with the vehicle left there?
What if, after the fact the kid was sort of bragging to friends about getting to be home alone and a concerned parent decides to pass judgement and make trouble?  Or if the child says something in ear shot of a teacher who does the same?

Two years ago I lived in the 99%... I always thought these things happen to other people.  I never had encountered any kind of significant violence at the hands of someone I trusted.  I hadn't ever really been surprised by someones choices and behavior.   Then my estranged husband brought a gun to my house.  He did something I would have never expected.

My mother, Ethel, and my sister in law were all telling me to get a restraining order.  I heard, "most likely nothing will ever happen, but you need to be safe and cautious.  You need to take care of yourself."  I didn't listen. 

The 1% chance that my X would lose it came to pass.  And now, as a result, I find myself living in that one percent.  I find myself going to worse case scenario.  If I have a quarter of a tank of gas and I run into traffic I start to feel all panicked and  convince myself that I'll run out of gas out of cell phone range.

If the dog throws up I start thinking it's going into liver failure.  If I smell smoke I think fire... never burned popcorn....I understand why, I just don't know how to deal with it.  I'm not proud of it.  It's certainly not something I enjoy. 

I see a self help book in my future...

Watching your parents get older

It's hard to watch your parents age.  I recently found a photograph of my parents from about 11 years ago.  My mom looks trim and her hair is solid black.  My dad is smiling, and he has my daughter on his shoulders.

My dad is living with Lupus.  Every day is a battle.  His kidney's don't work efficiently so his hands and feet get enormously swollen.  His face and tongue have areas of numbness.  He has to drink with a straw, and he won't eat in front of other people.  He recently went to his 40th year reunion and he was too embarrassed to have dinner at the restaurant with everyone else.  He waited and ate alone in his hotel room after the event.  It makes me sad to know he's self conscious.  It's hard to know he's in physical pain a lot.

My dad is a good man.  He's a hard working man.  Even with all of his health problems he works at our business six days a week to help ensure a good future for the kids and I.  He is acutely aware that one day I'll take over the business and that my ability to take care of my children is all wrapped up in the success of our business.

My mother is also struggling with severe health problems of her own.  This past weekend while my dad was at his reunion, BLT pitched in to watch all the kids so that I could stay out at my parents house with my mother.  She's had total knee reconstructions, a titanium rod and pins inserted in her spine, a blood clot in her lungs at one point, she's had more surgeries than anyone I know.  And now it appears as though she's got a herniated disc in her back and she can barely walk around with the aid of two canes.  She needs someone to help with the laundry, the cleaning, and to cook for her.  Not to mention they have two dogs that need care if my dad isn't around.

It's weird to me to think that in just over a decade my parents went from active, vivacious people who enjoyed RVing and camping to... well... old people.  

It scares me to think they they won't always be here.  I don't know what I would do without them.  I need them.  My kids need them. 

So how much suffering is enough for YOU? A letter to the former Mother In Law.

Okay, I sat on this post long enough... I wrote it out several weeks ago, heck maybe even a month ago.  Then I let it sit, and stew and brew around here in my head.  See I thought that perhaps it was written too hastily.  Perhaps it was one of those heat-of-the-moment type things that would pass and I would get over it.

But alas... no.  Recently I have had a run in the former Mother In Law (known as the Drama Momma around here)  see Drama Momma is your classic female narcissist.  Everything is about her.  Her feelings.  The work she does, the ways she suffers.  That line from the movie The Ref sums it up perfectly. "You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."

So here we go... it ain't pretty... but damn I feel better getting it out. 
*****************************
Dear Drama Momma,
It has come to my attention that you don't think your beloved baby boy has gotten a fair shake in all this mess.  It seems that repeatedly you've asked our mutual family why X is the only one who's been punished? Why haven't I had to suffer the way your darling son has? True he brought a gun to my house, but he was driven  to it by the dirty whore who doesn't love him anymore right?

How exactly would you like me to suffer?  What level of pain, or humiliation would be enough compensation?  Did I terrorize your son with a gun?  No... I didn't think so. Somehow in your sick, pathetic, narcissistic mind this is all somehow about you and your pain.  Your loss, your anger, your embarrassment.... and naturally that pain and fear and anger must be someone elses fault! You couldn't possibly have raised this monster - because you of course have dedicated your entire life to Narcissist Jr. And why in the world wouldn't that have produced a healthy, respectful, kind and loving man?

So perhaps you would feel better if I had been physically injured... oh wait, I was.
Perhaps you would be happy if I had been afraid for my life... oh wait, I was.
Maybe I should have permanent emotional scars... oh wait I do.  PTSD is a bitch to live with.
Would you like me to be financially devastated... got that covered too. Your expensive lawyers have seen to that.
How about suffering from persistent nightmares for over a year, is that suffering enough?
How about if my private life were splayed out to be the fodder of gossip and speculation of all my family and friends... oh wait, it is. Humiliation not enough for your though?
Would you be warm with righteous vindication if I lost my home... because I did, and then I was HOMELESS with four kids living in a camper.  Remember that little episode in the not so distant past?

Lets see... what else have we got? 

Oh yes, maybe I should lose valuable relationships with family and friends as people take sides, or just drift away in an attempt to escape a very uncomfortable situation...  no problem there, done.
Would you feel better knowing it was me who held your grandchildren as they cried themselves to sleep? That I answered the tough questions?
Does it make you feel any better to know I had to swallow my pride, humble myself, and beg for help at the Welfare office because I didn't know how I was going to feed my kids or get their medications?

So where are we?  Pain, PTSD, Anxiety, Homelessness, Financial Ruin, Loss of Loved Ones, Fear, Humiliation, Parental Guilt, Nightmares...  and those are just the biggies.  There were several moves required to find a home for the kids and I.  There was a difficult job change.  There is the daily struggle to parent four kids.  There are questions to which I may never have answers.

So have I suffered enough for you Mrs. Drama Momma?  Is all of that equal to your son sitting on his ass in a jail cell for 19 months, being fed, clothed, medicated, and cared for by the state?  Is there anything short of my own incarceration that would somehow, some way, make you feel less victimized by me - all because I didn't want to be married to the asshole you raised?

Because, as far as I can tell...  beyond everything else I listed,  just having to be married to that mean, condescending, pathetic excuse of a man and father for 15 years was punishment enough.  Now I'm getting on with my life.  I don't care to placate you any longer.  I don't care about either of your feelings, or your issues.  I'm not interested in your afflictions or addictions, your reasons or your excuses.

I think it's best we just pretend neither one of us exists.  It's the only way I see this not getting uglier than it already is. So goodbye.  No it's not me... it's you.  I won't call you in the morning, and there's no way in hell I want to just be friends.  Here you go Drama Momma, as a parting gift I wrapped up this cross for you with a pretty pink bow.  I'm sure you'll get plenty of use out of it.

With my head held high,
Lucy

*** Whewww... I actually really do feel better....  I've needed to get that off my chest for 2 years! ***

Think Before You Act

Something came to light this past week that just took my breath away.  Someone I would normally describe as intelligent did something so stupid, so thoughtless, so Fing asinine that I have no words. My trust in this person's common sense is just destroyed.

What this person did puts others in danger and it's... well... it's purely out of selfishness.  With a smidge of self indulgence and a sprinkling of retardation thrown in.  It's immature, reckless, and wrong.

I don't know how to go forward from here.  I'm not in a position to say anything to this person, but DAYUM I'm bad at keeping my mouth shut.  Shocking I know...

I seriously need to kick someones ass.

Good News / Bad New... Court Edition!

Let's start with the good news.  I'm doing a victory dance here - a Jig of Joy, maybe even a little Hula of Happiness!  I went to court yesterday, and it really went about as well as could be expected!  The judge saw right through all the lies, and excuses. She did not believe for one second that my X is a victim in any way.

She told my X that he doesn't get to disappear from the children's life for two years, and then just expect to walk back into it without any sort of gradual reintroduction.  She agrees with my insistence that he needs a mental health evaluation by a clinical therapist with a PhD and experience in Domestic Violence treatment.  She mandated that he have therapy, parenting classes, and a batterers treatment program BEFORE he even gets to the point where he can have monitored visitation.  She expressed concern that he doesn't seem to understand that what he did was wrong, that he commited domestic violence, and that he has damaged my children.  She seemed to understand that as of yesterday he still wasn't accepting any responsibility for his actions, and until he got some help he wasn't going to get access to my children.

The X asked for the following things:
* Residential visitation in his home - DENIED
* Visitation, In his mothers home. Monitored by his Mother - DENIED
* No post conviction requirements, such as therapy or parenting classes - DENIED
* The right to have our phone numbers, address, emails and other contact information - DENIED
* The right to claim the kids as deductions on his taxes (even though he has yet to pay a penny in child support for two years!) - DENIED
* Removal of the Order of Protection on the children - DENIED
*Shared decision making for the children - DENIED

What he did get is the following:
* The ability to start writing his children letters - sent to their therapist for her review, and potential editing before they read them.
* A reduction in child support.  She reduced the payment by 14.00 per month.  He's paying a pittance as it is - only 100.00 more per month than Ethel's brother pays for his single child, and we have four children! For a man so desperate to see his kids he's sure doing everything within his power to avoid supporting them.
* The judge is making me pay 1/2 of the fee for the Guardian ad Lidem and for 1/2 of his monitored visitation!  Why the hell I have to pay half of the fee for HIS visitation and monitoring...when he's the dangerous one who screwed up and went to jail is beyond me!

So that's the long and the short of it.  For the most part I got everything I wanted.  The kids are safe, the re-introduction will be slow and gradual, and monitored in a professional facility by trained personnel.  He will have to pass a Psych evaluation and take some much needed classes.  And most importantly, a Guardian ad Lidem is appointed to help investigate and determine what is in the best interest of my kids. 

It REALLY sucks that I have to come up with money to pay for half of the GAL and monitoring... especially when I didn't do anything wrong, but if it keeps the kids safe then I don't care if I have to do bikini car washes, scrub toilets, or scoop dog crap in the park to make the 3,000.00 bucks to pay for it.  I'll figure it out. 

BLT and I decided to scale way back on the wedding plans and use that money instead to help pay for the GAL.  It means no fancy triple cheesecakes (we will likely do a simple home made cake), no full plated dinner (appetizers and cocktails instead) and sorry family, but no open bar!  I'm going to wait until Easter time and hopefully get the 3 little girls discounted Easter Dresses instead of fancy flower girl dresses.  I am considering taking back my wedding dress too...  it's a silly expense, and I don't need to spend money on a dress. I'll make my invites, and we won't have a photographer.  I'll ask our guests to bring their digital cameras and just email us all the photos they take. 

We've also decided that a honeymoon isn't an option.  Maybe later in the year we can get away for a day or two once the kids are out of school for the summer.  I was thinking that we could keep an eye out for some kind of airline / hotel deal someplace close by for just a weekend, or even drive out of town and find a lovely little bed and breakfast to snuggle into for a few days.  Either way... we're patient!

Speaking of money - when it rains it pours it seems.  Yesterday when I woke up we found that someone smashed out the window in my car and stole a purse I didn't realize got left inside.  Add to that, the dentist just called me.  They apparently mis-quoted and billed me incorrectly and I owe them an additional 383.00 for some dental work I had done last week. 

LOL...could anyone else possibly need money from me right now?  Likely... but they'll just have to stand in line and wait their turn!  I remember a saying I once heard someone say about money.  "Spend it on what brings you joy, because you can't take it with you when you die!"  Nothing gives me more joy and peace than knowing my kids are safe.

BLT and I will still get our happily ever after - it will just be on a smaller scale.  This will leave us some money to put towards making sure we get the best GAL possible and make sure the kids are taken care of.  I have faith that it will all work out in the end.   I mean honestly... we've made it this far.  The rest of this should be smooth sailing!

God, this killed me...

My Ex likes to tell anyone who will listen that he never did anything to hurt our kids.  He has declared to the court, the police, therapists, family and friends over and over that he was the victim in all of this and that the kids have no reason to be upset.

This is a draft of my 13 year old's final for Language Arts. She is supposed to write a vignette about a moment in her life that changed her.  The spelling is horrible, but hey, that's not Chef's strong point.  This is also just her first draft.  Reading it was very powerful for me.  I cried my eyes out.... it makes me hate that man with a passion I feel for no other living person. 

********************************************

People are like oxygen, we need them, they surround us, giving us light and energy. Sometimes that light disappears, and other times, it gets taken away.


He left us in the white van the smell of upholster and rain dampen concrete invading my senses. The sound of the traffic coming by blasted my ears with wanting, wanting to be somewhere, anywhere else. I joke on the outside my sisters young smiling faces making the gnawing fear a little more bearable each second. Until I saw them, they came one by one with packages, big, tall, wrapped up and hiding the deathly thing that lays inside. The sign of the gun shop will always be burned into my mind.

He lays there like nothings wrong, twirling the bullet casing in his fingers like it's all a joke, like it's not something sick and wrong, like it's an innocent toy or play thing. I watch it glint in the sunlight and listen to my sisters sobs, rubbing her back reassuringly, while my mind is trying to stay calm and not hear the words coming out of his mouth. It scared me relentlessly, what he's saying so rationally, about something so wrong.

The gun was loaded, car was ready, alaby set, his footsteps thunder with finality as he walked through the door, and hopefully, out of my life. The clock strikes seven, the days long gone, I still hear those footsteps song as he steps out of the door with finality. I didn't think he could do it, I didn't think he would try, but then again, people aren't always what you think.

Getting What I Asked For

In so many good ways I've gotten what I asked the Cosmos for.  I have a man who loves me. I have a stunning sex life.  My kids are happy and settled.  I have an amazing vintage cottage in a beautiful little town to live in.  I have steady employment that I enjoy. 

However, I've also gotten some of the things I asked for that turned out not so good.  See, I just kept repeating "All I want is for him to leave us alone. I wish he would ignore us, and act like we don't exist." Well I got my wish, but now I understand that I might have spoken too soon.  See... what I should have said is that I don't want to have to spend any time with him.  I don't want him to use my kids to hurt me.  I do however wish that he had to pay child support. Raising four kids alone is really hard.

My youngest needs $800.00 worth of dental care immediately.  I can't even ask my douche of an Ex-Husband for help because of the restraining orders, and because there is no child support ordered by the family courts yet I can't even send a request for help to him through lawyers.  I am totally on my own here - as usual.  I applied for Care Credit - a line of credit for medical bills and was denied due to bad credit.  My nearly 1/2 a million dollar home went into foreclosure when the X went to jail.  My once great credit is destroyed.  I can't even get a high interest credit card at this point.

I humbled myself and asked my former in-laws for help.  Even though they have a crap-load of money they declined, in a very snotty fashion to help out.  All their promises about doing anything to help the kids was a total lie.  They want to punish me by denying my kids help... it's the same shit it always was.  They have money - and they use it to control and punish the people around them. Their grandchildren are just casualties in this whole messy war that's been declared against me because I had the nerve to walk away from their precious boy.

So I don't know what to do.  I'm taking some designer handbags to a resale shop... the owner said she would be interested in them.    I have one last jewelry item I'll pawn...  and a good 50 dollars worth of books to sell to the used book store.  That gets me a little closer to my goal. 

I guess what burns me the most is that my in laws would have given my X the money in a heart beat...  no matter what it's for.  A new Xbox 360 and games? Done.  All new clothing post jail? Done.  A new car? Done.  Money for a lawyer? Done.   But they won't give it or loan it to me for our 6 year old's teeth.  Just to be cruel.

I guess that will teach me to be careful what I ask for...

Let the dance begin...

I knew in my heart that it was only a matter of time before my X violated the restraining order that was issued for my children and I. I just hoped that going to prison was enough of a deterant to delay the inevitable for awhile. That was wishful thinking on my part.

You see my X is a narcissist, he believes he's the smartest man in the room, and he's usually right. But his downfall is that he has no people skills. He is anti-social and conceited. He doesn't feel as though he did anything wrong, so the rules don't apply to him. Only that conceit makes him predictable, and his total lack of interpersonal skills makes it hard for him to predict others behavior. He assumes people will do what he wants, or give him what he thinks he is owed, and when that doesn't happen he doesn't adjust his plans accordingly, he just can't.

That's how he ended up in prison. He never imagined I would stand up to him and call the police. He assumed I would roll over and beg for my life when I saw the gun. He didn't think I would run.

Well my therapist called it when she gave him 30 days before he violated the restraining order. Friday, 26 days after his release he was seen by two separate witnesses at my kid's school. The police were called. The school went into lock down, and a search was made of the entire town. Only they couldn't find him so they can't to a thing about it. It's frustrating, they have to catch him in the act or they can't send him back to jail.

So here we go again. I've heard this music before, and I've done this sick little dance with him. It starts with the phone calls, Check. Then it's coming around where he's not supposed to, Check. Next will be the cyber stalking or following us around. He can't help himself.

And so the dance begins until he messes up and gets caught. Or until he shows up at my house again with a gun. Only this time I'm not running. This time I'm prepared and capable of defending myself. Either way this ends, it won't be good for any of us. Any way this plays out my kids suffer. They don't have their father in thier life.  They don't get any child support and financially things are hard for us. Worse case sceanario has me shooting the idiot when he shows up at my house in order to defend us. It kills me knowing that the lesser of two evils is my only option when dealing with my X, because there is no good outcome possible.  He's put this in motion by not getting counseling, by not working, and by defying the judges orders and coming near us.

I'm just so frustrated and angry about all of this I can hardly talk about it without having a massive headache or anxiety attack. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I honestly wish he would just do what he's supposed to do and leave us alone, get a job, pay his child support, and for one nano-second take into consideration what is in their best interest.

It's just a piece of paper.

I am acutely aware that the restraining order against my X is nothing more than a piece of paper. My X was released from prison on the 6th of March. Starting on the 9th I began receiving calls at work where someone just breaths on the other end. No speaking, no other noises. In less than a month I have received 10 of these calls.

Last night I received the same kind of call on my cell phone. That number is unlisted. I just changed carriers and got a new number a few days before his release. How did he get my number?

Why won't he leave me alone? I can't go through this again. I know it's him, and it's a viation of my restraining order, but he's smart enough to use a blocked or unavailable number. I can't prove it, so there is nothing I can do except sleep with my .38 under my pillow and pray to God that tormenting me via the phone gives him a big enough thrill that he doesn't come looking for me or my kids.

I have a sinking feeling thatvthis is the beginning of something very bad.

11 days

I heard today that unless my X blows a fuse and does something stupid he'll be released from prison on March 6th.

11 days from now the man I'm terrified of will be free and clear.  No parole.  No monitoring.  Complete freedom.

I'm trying really hard to keep it together.  I don't want BLT or the kids to see me lose it, so I keep it all inside.  I'm afraid if I give into my fear it will take over and I won't be able to pull myself out of it.  I'm not taking any anxiety meds or anything like that.   I'm not a generally anxious person....I'm a person with a very specific fear.

The nightmares have started again - but BLT is always there to pull me close and help sooth me back to sleep.  I have to have faith that he'll be there with me while I go through all of this.

Ethel told me today that Fred was able to obtain a couple photos of my X for me to give to the kids' schools and day care center.  The idea of seeing a picture was enough to start a panic attack.  I haven't laid eyes on him since that night 19 months ago.  I'm really afraid to, to be honest.  I'm afraid to look at those photos.  Does that make me weak?

I don't want to be weak.  I want to be strong and fearless. I want to be brave for my girls.  I'm not running away.  I'm not hiding in my bed.  But I feel anything but fearless these days.

Raising Teenagers

Raising teens, and tweens is such a joy...  and yes, I'm being sarcastic.

My oldest is just being a pain in the ass.  The conversation we had tonight was long, and loud.  I ended up taking her cell phone away.  While I'm holding it a text comes through from a friend.  Not really thinking about it I look down...

BOOM baby, just a whole lotta ugliness unleashed about what a horrible mom I am. How much she hates BLT and I, and how we have no right to tell her what to do, and all I should be worried about is that she gets straight A's so I should just butt out of her life.  Lovely...

After a while I went back down to her room. I told her:  "I love you, unconditionally. But I will not be abused.  I will not let you talk to me like this, or treat me like garbage. I did not have children so that I could be your slave.  I have expectations of you that you WILL meet.  You WILL change your attitude, and you will treat everyone in household with respect.  Otherwise I will drive you to school, pick you up in the afternoon and you will have absolutely no life other than school, chores, and homework.  You WILL participate in this family, and you WILL be a good role model for the younger kids. If you ever talk to me like that again you'll be grounded so long that you'll have grey hair before you see your friends again."

I told her that I'm it.  I'm the only parent she has.  I'm the one that works to feed her.  I'm the one that supports her. I'm the one that loves her unconditionally.  I'm the one who wants what's best for her.  I'm the one who sacrifices for her....  out there, in the real world, nobody gives a rats ass about your issues.  They want to know what you can do for THEM, not the other way around.  I told her that there is a statute of limitations on teenage moodiness and she's just about reached it.  After that people stop overlooking your bad behavior as an indicator of teenage angst, and then you know what you are?  You're just a bitch... and you don't want to be that kind of girl.  You don't really want to be an eye rolling, dismissive, rude, judgemental, pain in every one's ass... because that's not who you really are. 

Her answer was that she doesn't try to be rude.  My answer?  Well you sure as heck aren't trying NOT to be rude now are you... so how about we go at this from another angle.  For the foreseeable future you try NOT to be rude and we'll see how that works.

God help me...  I'm exhausted.  I'm frustrated. I'm at my wits end.  I just want to understand what's going on with that kid.

Yes people I am a klutz...

I'm well known in my social circle for being a klutz.  If there is a unique way to hurt myself in any given situation I'll find it. If there is a rare virus I'll catch it. If there is an accident waiting to happen then it will happen to me.

I rolled down a hill once while carrying a giant stock pot of hot chili and got lodged under a parked Buick, dislocating my shoulder, burning my boobs, and taking all the skin off my knees and hands.

I managed to roll my Chevy three times and land back on the tires, facing traffic.

I nearly died from a severe kidney infection.

I woke up one day and half of my face was paralyzed.  After testing it was determined that I caught a virus called Bells Palsy.  The paralysis lasted 8 weeks.

I broke my wrist tripping over my own feet and landing with my hand in a metal bucket of hot, soapy mop water while working at the mall in high school.

And today...  today I nearly drowned myself in my own cup of coffee. How does one do this?  Well first you have to take a big, unlady like gulp of hot coffee.  Then at the exact moment you are going to swallow it you have to sneeze.  Voila - you suck all that coffee into your lungs... Then you start turning pink, so violet, to lovely shades of blue as your significant other is pounding on your back and you are desperately trying to suck air into your burning, gurgling lungs.  Sound like fun?  Wanna give it a try? 

That was 6 hours ago and I'm still coughing, and when I do I have the faint taste of coffee in the back of my throat... lovely... 

I wonder what new and imaginative way I'll manage to damage myself next.

Standing up for myself

I can be pretty forceful when I need to be. I don't like it though- I have the classic oldest daughter syndrome that makes me want to please everyone, to smooth the waters, to make people happy with me.

I've just been pushed too far by the former in-laws however. I couldn't take it any more. His mother has spent the past year and a half excusing his behavior. Hell - she spent his entire life doing that. She has supported him financially, excused his poor behavior, his crazy choices, and his down right dangerous denial of his responsibility. She butted into my divorce when I asked her not to. She discussed the X with my children when I expressly forbid her to do so.

Having her show up in court and write a "poor him" letter to the court talking about how important it was for him to regain a father-daughter relationship with his kids, even when it's not in their best interest of my kids, was absolutely the LAST straw. I'm done.

She enabled him, once again, to perjure himself to the court. In effect she stood by while he called his children liars. I will not have a woman like that around my children. She chose to stand by her sweet baby psycho at the cost of my kids so now she'll just have to live with having a very minimal influence in their lives.

Today a difficult call was made. I told her that I'm changing all our personal cell phone numbers. She can reach me at work Monday through Friday. I told her that we no longer have a relationship. We no longer have any reason to speak with each other. She can see the kids but it will be on my terms, and in a limited capacity.

Both my therapist and the kids' have expressed the opinion that it's not in any of our best interest to continue this relationship in it's current state. So I'm changing the rules.

I am so angry and frustrated. I didn't want it to come to this. I went out of my way to try and keep things friendly. I overlooked and forgave them time and time again. But I've seen the grief on my children's faces when they've told me stories about what the X said and did in those days leading up to the crime. I can not forgive her for enabling him to call my children liars.

I'm hoping I did the right thing. There will be some serious repercussions I'm sure. The grandparents were paying for Lady Bug's full time, tuition based Kindergarten. I have no idea how I'll pay for that. She may have to change to a part time - free class if there is room. Out of anger they very well could give their bull dog lawyers free reign to make my life hell.

I did what I think is best... yes, partially out of anger and resentment, but I'm sure that we all will benefit in the end. The in-laws need to face the consequences of their choices. The kids and I need to be surrounded by people who truly support us. It doesn't seem like those two can take place at the same time.

Back to Court

Thursday (tomorrow) I'll be back in court asking the judge to remove the X's rights to send the kids further letters, and to extend their order of protection for another year.

The children have discussed the letters with their therapist, and all on their own decided that they don't wish to receive any further correspondence from him. I did not make any attempt to influence their decision in any way and I excused myself from the room while they discussed it with the Dr. so that they could be totally honest and not worried about my feelings or opinions.

The two older kids came home and wrote letters for the judge- reading their words broke my heart in a way I didn't think was possible. I thought I had cried all my tears and raged all that I could. I was quite wrong.

I'm so very angry, and sad, and confused. How can anyone do this to someone they love - much less their own children? How is it possible to be so selfish? In my oldest child's letter I learn something new. Apparently their father told them that everyone had to choose sides. That Ethel and Fred chose my side - and all daddy's friends and co-workers chose his side, and that they too had to choose sides. Who does that to a child? How do you rationalize to yourself that it's okay to make a child choose between their parents?

It's one more episode of him having no appropriate boundaries, no common sense, and no sense of decency where they are concerned. The momma bear in me wants to gather them up and protect them at all costs - but there are laws and procedures that have to be followed, and some things are not within my control. That kills me inside a little.

So, if you're inclined to prayer, positive thoughts, or good mojo then please keep us in mind. There's no way I'll sleep tonight. I'm just trying not to become overcome with panic, anger and grief right now.

Watching your children suffer

Friday's counseling session with Lady Bug was much worse than my own the previous day. Watching your child genuinely grieve is the hardest thing I've ever done. She is so busy carrying around her own hurt, and then to top it off she's shouldering the burden of HIS imaginary, over inflated, ego-ridden pain.

She told the therapist about her dad telling her how to commit suicide. The therapist then let me know that she's required by law to contact Child Protective Services and have a file opened. Once again the X makes a huge god damned mess and I'm the one who gets to clean it up. I'm not worried that CPS will find me lacking in any way. My kids are well cared for, we live in a nice town, they have good schools and get good grades. They're not being abused in my home in any way. However, it's another pain in the ass hoop for me to jump through.

Both counselors asked me if my X had lost his parental rights. When I informed them that no, he had not, they were very surprised. Both told me that I have avenues available to me if I want to pursue that route. I'm honestly not sure. Lady Bug is in so much pain, and either way she ends up on the loosing end. Either I do what I have to, and I prove him unfit. She is emotionally and physically safe - but she looses her father, possibly forever. She may never forgive me for that. If I do nothing I KNOW... KNOW with every fiber of my being that he's going to let her down and break her heart at the very least. At the worst he attempts to hurt us again, or uses the kids to hurt me. Either way she suffers. I just have to decide what is the lesser of two evils.

I hate being put into this position. It's one more reason for me to hate him. I can't stand watching her suffer. It's much worse than suffering myself.

Some days it's just too much to handle.

The past couple of days have been rough. To be honest, the past week has been hell. With the 13th being the one year Anniversary of the crime I've been very edgy. September 10th would have been my 16th wedding anniversary as well, and while I didn't actively think about that...something had been nagging at me the whole day. Like some important that I forgot, and about two o'clock in the afternoon I looked hard at the calender for a bit and realized what it was.

Last week I finally got into contact with my lawyer in regards to extending the no contact order for my kids. I was told that it would take about a week but that she would get the paperwork to me. A week passed without any word from her. Over the next three days I called, emailed, and left several messages. She never called or emailed me back. The expiration date is quickly approaching, and I'm starting to get very anxious. I told my lawyer this several times and it didn't seem to speed the process up or encourage her to contact me in any way.

Friday I just lost it. My mother and BLT were telling me to calm down, that it was no big deal, that it would all work itself out and blah blah blah... It was just all too much. The stress, the anxiety about the no contact order expiring, and feeling ignored just built up inside my head. I snapped. I told them both that they have no right to tell me how to feel. That once they've been at the other end of a rifle, and found out that the person who tried to shoot them told their children in graphic detail how to kill themselves if he didn't come home - and that same person wants contact with your children - well once they've experienced that THEN they can tell me how I should feel.

And you know what? I still feel that way. Everyone thinks that a year passed and like magic all the fear, anxiety, stress, pain (mental and physical) and trauma should just disappear. Maybe they are right, but I feel VERY alone. Nobody knows what this is like. Nobody else has had to deal with the near daily bullshit that I do. DSHS, Restraining Orders, Collection Agents, Crazy In Laws, Lawyers - on top of the day to day stress of work and parenting. I feel bombarded, and I usually deal with it fairly well - but please, for the love of God, DO NOT TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL!

Don't tell me to calm down when I'm upset over the fact that a crazy man wants access to my children. Do not tell me that it'll all work out, because my history has proven to me, without a doubt, that it doesn't. It doesn't just all work out like rainbows and butterflies, and God-damned unicorns and magic. Life doesn't work like that. It's messy, and sad, and dirty, and unfair. That's the reality of my world.

I finally decided to bypass my lawyer all together and contact the prosecutor's office. I was directed to the department where my request for an extension would be filed, only to find out that it's pretty much too late. You have to file your request with the court in enough time for a court date to be appointed so your motion can be heard. That process takes 2 - 4 weeks. If my protection order for the kids expires I'll have to start from scratch and hope that a judge will put a new one into place - and since he's in jail there is no immediate threat (except he wants to talk to, and have the kids visit him in jail which I'm 100% against. Also if they aren't not on a no contact order he can petition for information on their whereabouts... school, home address etc. Something he's been trying to do this whole time. He finds them, and then he knows how to find me.) so I was told it's not likely that would happen... an extension is easier to get however. I guess they figure if you're really all that afraid then you'll take care of it when you're supposed to.

So basically - my lawyer dropped the ball and now the kids and I are screwed. I'm going to file the papers anyway, on my own, and pray. It's all I can do.

To top all this stress and drama off in a royal fashion, my father (who is my boss) got all pissed off and yelled at me. He told me to keep my personal "shit" out of the office. Fine... thanks for all the support dad. Sorry my life falling apart is inconvenient for you.

So I spent the day crying. I couldn't sleep last night - and of course my kids woke me up at six thirty this morning, after only 3 hours of sleep. I feel like shit. I'm stressed out beyond belief. I feel alone, and sad, and ganged up upon by my family and BLT as well.

I KNOW they're tired of dealing with all this on a peripheral level. I get it. For craps sake, I'm sick of dealing with it directly - but I don't have a choice. This is what my life has become. Dealing with one disaster after another. Financial, emotional, physical, maternal, domestic... around every corner is some new craptastic mess for me to clean up.

I just can't handle it anymore...I think I'm starting to crack. I can't stop crying.

God I was a bitch today

I have to admit that I was feeling so put out and bitchy today, I know I wasn't pleasant to be around.

I can blame the heat. Or the fact that my kids called me six times at work screaming and fighting on the phone expecting me to play referee. I can blame my former in-laws for continuing to piss me off. Or the bank for making it impossible for me to get my X off my automobile title without jumping through the most ridiculous steps. (Honestly, why do they need proof of the weight of my car to print a new title with just my name on it? Why the hell does how much it weighs affect anything?)

I suppose I have plenty of fairly legitimate reasons to feel pissed off at the world, and I think in some ways it was a combination of all those things. But it wasn't any one thing that triggered this enormous melt down.

I saw myself in one of those bank camera / tv things today and I look fat. Like REALLY fat. I've gained back 20 pounds of the 60 I lost several years ago. I can't believe I'm letting myself go... I'm slipping back to that hideous mess I was. And you know what? I was pissed at myself.

Then add in the phone calls, the heat, the bullshit with the bank and POW... mega bitch mode kicks in.

I have had a headache since two o'clock this afternoon. I need to just take a cool shower and go to bed. Maybe I'll be nicer to myself and everyone else in the morning light.

You've got to be kidding me...

According to a reliable source my bat shit crazy ex husband is now going to try and sue me for contempt of court. Apparently he feels that since he hasn't lost his parental rights I'm in contempt for not telling him where the girls are living, going to school and daycare.

The problem I have... well okay, there are many... but lets start with the fact that if he finds out where THEY are, then he finds out where I am. Since he attempted to shoot me, and I have a five year no contact order I'm thinking I don't have to inform him of shit. Also, as of right now the kids are still on an order of protection. He's not even allowed near their school or day care...so this all stinks of just being another attempt to cost me legal fees I don't have and punish me any way he can.

Who knows if his nearly as crazy mother will finance this new little bit of insanity. I'm thinking I have a fifty-fifty shot she'll say no. He pretty much bankrupted her with his uber expensive defense lawyer who got him his cherry of a deal and then his ridiculously expensive divorce lawyer that pretty much did nothing, but sucked his mother's bank account dry and keep him from loosing everything but the prison issue underwear he's using.

On a related, but slightly different topic. I've as of yet still not heard a word from f'ing Prudential who holds the 401K funds. I was awarded 85% of those funds, and it said in the divorce papers that they were required to contact me "in a timely manner" to let me know how to get those funds. No contact yet via phone, mail, email or through my lawyer. So I have no clue what to do.

I don't have any phone or account numbers to reference and I'm pretty sure I can't just call Prudential up and say "hey, twat waffle...where's my money?" although that would be just a wee bit satisfying, if juvenile. If I can't get those funds I have no idea how I'm going to buy school clothes for all four kids, plus supplies, back packs, winter coats, shoes etc. Without any child support I can barely just squeak by paying my bills and covering rent etc. Those kinds of extras just aren't in the budget.

So... life marches forward. Just a little more crazy today than yesterday. But honestly at this point I should expect these things to pop up from time to time. For the next 13 years I'm going to have to deal with Capt. Crazypants and whatever ridiculous way he can come up with to make my life difficult. God help me I hope I don't end up on an episode of Snapped one day.

I thought we were okay...

I don't know what's going on. I'm so confused. BLT seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and he's been short with me and cranky all day.

I was going to take all of us out to have Mexican food for dinner and on the way home he said, "do you really think that's a good idea?" and he explained that he felt bitchy and cranky. So even though I'm exhausted I went to the store and picked stuff up, came home and made dinner. I brought in the groceries by myself, and he came down to inform me he was going to run to the store to get a beer.

Well that was an hour ago. No call to say where he's going or when he'll come back.

What the hell flew up his butt? What did I do? There's a part of me that's been waiting around, holding my breath for something like this to happen. For him to wake up one day and decide this is all just not worth it. I'm not worth it.... my kids are small hellions on occasion, and with one sick, one who's erupted into a snarky tween it's not always fun around here. I get that.

On one hand I can't blame him. I'm scared of my life some days, it's too much to handle for me, and I'm their mother, how can I expect ANYONE to want this?

Yesterday I felt so very loved and understood...today I'm just confused, and honestly I'm scared he's finally come to his senses. Add to that the weight I've gained recently and, well... I just feel like shit tonight.

Sometime you just need to cry

I'm not even sure why I needed to cry a bit today. It wasn't as if I received terrible news, or I hurt myself, or anything particularly dramatic happened. I received a phone call at work from my former mother in law. She wanted to tell me the "rules" for the girls to send letters and/or pictures to their father in jail.

Apparently the pictures and cards they sent couldn't get to him because they had more than one layer and the crayon was "too thick". Apparently you can smuggle drugs into the jail this way...who knew? I mean, honestly, that was information I could have gone my whole life without knowing.

She also wanted to try and organize the pick up / delivery of my children at the end of July for a wedding they were asked to participate in (but of course I'm persona non grata since it's his side of the family) so that kind of made me sad too, since I'm quite fond of his cousin.

Anyway, the whole thing just got to me. It's like, well... I don't know, like I can't believe that this is what my life has come to; telling my children the rules for sending mail to their father in jail. It's crazy to me that I have to meet my former in laws in a neutral meeting place to trade my children back and forth because I can't tell them where we live, knowing that she'll do anything for her baby boy, including telling him where we are living.

I guess it just gets to me sometimes. I'm happy - I really am. I love BLT more than I have words to accurately describe. I adore the town I live in, and the my house is amazing - it's the house of my dreams. I like my job, my parents are close by and involved - which is wonderful because my X had alienated them for so many years I had really missed having them around. My kids are happy and healthy, and I'm blessed with wonderful friends.

So why would I shed a tear? I have no clue. I'm not normally a crier at all, I do it very rarely and almost never in front of anyone else. But BLT, in that amazing way of his, must have known that I was stressed out. He came over to me, pulled me close, and just held onto me while I cried for a little bit.

Not long, not loud... but big soft tears all over the crook of his neck. A few kisses and a big strong hug were what I needed, and I didn't know it until just then.

Nobody has ever understood me like he does. Sometimes better than I understand myself.