It's crazy how many times I've logged into the the ol' blog here and started to put all my thoughts into words, only to have it all fizzle out. I start out with a bang and slowly it gets convoluted and mixed up, and turns into nothing but a ramble of jubbled gobbly-goo with no message - no clear progression of thought. And so I hit the delete key and say, "I'll try another day. " Only the next time I put fingers to keys it still doesn't produce that witty blog post I've been hoping for.
Maybe it's writers block, maybe it's that I've lost the zest for railing about the ills of my former marriage and the trials of single parenting - especially since I'm not "single" anymore in any sense of the word. For the first time in my adult life I have a partner - and I feel totally fullfilled in that relationship. Not too many people want to hear about your bliss. Anger, frustration, and drunken mishaps are ever so much more amusing! :)
I don't have any funny quips about dating to share - no inside tips on couponing, tutorials on making your own homemade deodorant from baking soda and evergreen needles or home decor ideas (lets be honest, picking the socks and barbie shoes off the stairs is my method of decorating!) so I'm not sure if I have anything of any real value to write about these days.
What does one share when things are going right? If anyone cares my wedding is in 39 days... yep... April 28th BLT and I are tieing the ol Knot at a beautiful Bed and Breakfast location in the mountains. I can't tell you how excited and nervous I am at the same time. Wedding plans are progressing nicely. Invites were mailed and RSPV's are arriving. We even received a wedding gift in the mail - I was so surprised I squeeled! The dress is being altered as we speak, and a suit ordered for BLT. Flower girl dresses were sewn by my mom and I. I built a cup cake tower. We wrote our own vows. I picked out vintage gifts for my future in laws and sisters. And I planned a surprise bachelor party for BLT back home with his best dude friends - he has no idea! It'll be GREAT!
How about legalities? The GAL was finally appointed and finished up her report just last week. As expected she recommends that my Ex go through a significant amount of therapy - alone and with the children later - before he's allowed any access. So full custody and all decision making for the children stay with me. WHEWWWW... I assumed that would be the case, but damn it's great to see it in writing. Now we just have to go to court for the final parenting plan to be written. Easier said than done since the X is still full on crazy as the Mad Hatter and won't agree to anything. So the fight goes on.... and lets be honest, I fully anticipate that the fight with him will go on until my last daughter turns 18. So a bit over ten years of dealing with his rediculous accusations, and being hauled into court on his whim. I'm still trying to navigate a relationship with my former in-laws for the sake of the kids. It's hard, and sometimes it hurts so bad my heart breaks in a way I could never have anticipated. I wanted to divorce the man - not the entire family system I had grown to know and love over the years. Some days I cry a lot. Some days I can be pragmatic and understand that everything changes and all I can do is adapt.
I guess that's the theme of this post... adapting. The blog, like me, is having growing pains. All around me life is changing. I'm getting married, my kids are growing up, my X isn't growing up. I'm navigating a new relationship with former family members. Our company is growing and work is busier than ever (thank God!) All around me there are opportunities to either accept this new life and change, or to desperately cling to what is known and comfortable. I'm choosing to adapt.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Thankful
Today I am thankful for my family who always makes me laugh.
As they are my family, I realize that tomorrow I may not feel this way! So for today I'll live in this moment . :)
As they are my family, I realize that tomorrow I may not feel this way! So for today I'll live in this moment . :)
Friday, July 29, 2011
Things I've learned this week
This was a ... hmm... odd week. Odd sums it up. It was stressful, and busy, and we've all been a bit cranky. We've had some personnel changes at work that were difficult, and we're all pulling a few extra hours to cover our collective asses.
This week I've learned the following:
1. My father can be a passive aggressive ass.
2. One should do everything in their power to never sneeze while brushing their teeth.
3. A certain government agency will not only do their job incorrectly and blame you for it, but they'll instruct you in a very snotty way as to how YOU are responsible for their screw up, and what steps you should take next time to ensure they do their job correctly... so as to save them all some aggravation with you...
4. If your purse is stolen, and your concealed carry permit is inside of it, it will take a small mountain of paperwork to replace it. It only took one form to get said permit the first time... but replacing it, due to no fault of your own, takes an act of congress.
5. My mother can be a passive aggressive she-devil in response to the above mentioned passive aggressive father figure. The maternal unit, however, is more creative. She haz skillz... and thus 35 years of happily married co-existence continues.
6. A bulldog with gas can clear out a room in less than 5 seconds.
7. No matter how much you love a very expensive pair of silk panties... if the elastic at the waist gives out you have to toss them. No way to save em, don't try... just bid them a fond farewell and toss em. Otherwise you're playing Grip and Wiggle all day as they shift, shimmy, slip, and reorient themselves in uncomfy places.
*Sigh...* So that was my week.
Tell me what YOU learned this week!
This week I've learned the following:
1. My father can be a passive aggressive ass.
2. One should do everything in their power to never sneeze while brushing their teeth.
3. A certain government agency will not only do their job incorrectly and blame you for it, but they'll instruct you in a very snotty way as to how YOU are responsible for their screw up, and what steps you should take next time to ensure they do their job correctly... so as to save them all some aggravation with you...
4. If your purse is stolen, and your concealed carry permit is inside of it, it will take a small mountain of paperwork to replace it. It only took one form to get said permit the first time... but replacing it, due to no fault of your own, takes an act of congress.
5. My mother can be a passive aggressive she-devil in response to the above mentioned passive aggressive father figure. The maternal unit, however, is more creative. She haz skillz... and thus 35 years of happily married co-existence continues.
6. A bulldog with gas can clear out a room in less than 5 seconds.
7. No matter how much you love a very expensive pair of silk panties... if the elastic at the waist gives out you have to toss them. No way to save em, don't try... just bid them a fond farewell and toss em. Otherwise you're playing Grip and Wiggle all day as they shift, shimmy, slip, and reorient themselves in uncomfy places.
*Sigh...* So that was my week.
Tell me what YOU learned this week!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Happiness, Take II
This weekend will be BLT and my second anniversary.
Wow - two years and he's still here? I jokingly asked him if he realized I had FOUR kids... that none of them really belonged to the neighbors even if they did spend half their time over there! He said he was aware... so what can I do? The damn fool, LOL!
I think my oldest, Chef, summed it up well. Chef and I went for a walk last week and during a semi serious conversation where Chef asked me why I had stayed married to the X for so many years when he wasn't nice to us (wow, was that a hard one to put into words... sometimes I don't know myself. That was a pretty deep, honest conversation to have with your teenager) Shortly after that conversation Chef said, "BLT must REALLY love you mom, cause uh.. well we're just a lot." lol... Chef didn't elaborate on what we (the four kids and I) were a lot of. I think it's just that we're a lot of everything in general! LOL... a lot of noise, expense, emotions and work. We're a lot of energy and on occasion having so many females in one house means we are a lot of drama. Yep we're "a lot" to be sure.
So here we are... two years after starting our relationship, over seven years as friends. I can't think of anywhere else I would want to be, or anyone else I would want to be with. I'm very lucky to have a second chance at happiness.
Wow - two years and he's still here? I jokingly asked him if he realized I had FOUR kids... that none of them really belonged to the neighbors even if they did spend half their time over there! He said he was aware... so what can I do? The damn fool, LOL!
I think my oldest, Chef, summed it up well. Chef and I went for a walk last week and during a semi serious conversation where Chef asked me why I had stayed married to the X for so many years when he wasn't nice to us (wow, was that a hard one to put into words... sometimes I don't know myself. That was a pretty deep, honest conversation to have with your teenager) Shortly after that conversation Chef said, "BLT must REALLY love you mom, cause uh.. well we're just a lot." lol... Chef didn't elaborate on what we (the four kids and I) were a lot of. I think it's just that we're a lot of everything in general! LOL... a lot of noise, expense, emotions and work. We're a lot of energy and on occasion having so many females in one house means we are a lot of drama. Yep we're "a lot" to be sure.
So here we are... two years after starting our relationship, over seven years as friends. I can't think of anywhere else I would want to be, or anyone else I would want to be with. I'm very lucky to have a second chance at happiness.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Mmmm... Spuds....
Yesterday was my father's birthday dinner. He said he didn't want anything too elaborate.
I decided to take a suggestion Ethel made a while ago and run with it. I made up a baked potato bar. I baked up about 16 nice large russet potatoes. Then I set out steamed broccoli, different cheeses, butter, sour cream, chives, bacon bits, salsa, little sausage bits, and several other toppings.
I also made a large green salad, set out some fresh berries and grapes, and served my dad's favorite seven layer dip and chips for an appetizer while I got dinner ready.
It was a hit. He was a very happy man! There was carrot cake for dessert, cards and gifts were opened, and BLT even got him a six pack of his favorite non-alcoholic beer (due to his Lupus meds my dad had to give up all alcohol... and he misses his beer. We found him his favorite brand in a non alcoholic version!) to enjoy with dinner.
I think we all had a good time. My house is spic and span clean from the party prep, and I made one of the people I love most in the world very happy. I'll call that a success!
I decided to take a suggestion Ethel made a while ago and run with it. I made up a baked potato bar. I baked up about 16 nice large russet potatoes. Then I set out steamed broccoli, different cheeses, butter, sour cream, chives, bacon bits, salsa, little sausage bits, and several other toppings.
I also made a large green salad, set out some fresh berries and grapes, and served my dad's favorite seven layer dip and chips for an appetizer while I got dinner ready.
It was a hit. He was a very happy man! There was carrot cake for dessert, cards and gifts were opened, and BLT even got him a six pack of his favorite non-alcoholic beer (due to his Lupus meds my dad had to give up all alcohol... and he misses his beer. We found him his favorite brand in a non alcoholic version!) to enjoy with dinner.
I think we all had a good time. My house is spic and span clean from the party prep, and I made one of the people I love most in the world very happy. I'll call that a success!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I'm a little pissed at the world
I'm a little annoyed today. What's the reason? I have no freakin' clue.
I'm antsy, anxious, cranky, and impatient today.
It's a good thing I'm a firm believer in my mother's favorite adage, "if you don't have anything nice to say, shut the hell up!"
So I'm grumbly and taxiturn and mostly silent today... really it's just better this way. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's hormones. Maybe its the cycle of moon or some other wird astrological bullshit. Maybe, every now and then we human beings just get fed up with all the noise and greediness around us from the other people who share this planet with us.
Whatever the reason I can't imagine it will last long. If I don't cheer up soon my parents or BLT will bonk me on the head and stuff my body in the trunk of my car.... and rightly so.... I don't even like me today!
*grumble*
*snark*
*roll eyes*
I'm antsy, anxious, cranky, and impatient today.
It's a good thing I'm a firm believer in my mother's favorite adage, "if you don't have anything nice to say, shut the hell up!"
So I'm grumbly and taxiturn and mostly silent today... really it's just better this way. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's hormones. Maybe its the cycle of moon or some other wird astrological bullshit. Maybe, every now and then we human beings just get fed up with all the noise and greediness around us from the other people who share this planet with us.
Whatever the reason I can't imagine it will last long. If I don't cheer up soon my parents or BLT will bonk me on the head and stuff my body in the trunk of my car.... and rightly so.... I don't even like me today!
*grumble*
*snark*
*roll eyes*
Thursday, December 2, 2010
That Inbreeding Will Get'cha Every Time...
Part of the whole dysfunction that is my extended family is the result of some interesting marrying in between my X's family and my own. Not necessarily in a Hillbilly Shotgun wedding sort of way... but I'll totally admit that my Great Grandparents were second cousins. Seriously... weird I know.
Well it works like this. Mr In-Law started out as my Uncle. He was married to my father's sister and divorced for about 15 years. My senior year in high school he met my X's mother - we'll call her Drama Momma. Well Mr. In-Law and Drama Momma hit it off and several years later they were married. So my Uncle became my Father in Law, and my Cousin became my Sister in Law.
What I can't wrap my mind around is how the X commits the horrible crime that he does against me, he says and does all the terrible and irresponsible things to the children... and in the end I'm the one who's loosing her friends and family. I'm the one who gets letters in the mail asking me to beg God for forgiveness for my sins so that he'll repair my marriage because my X "is a good man who lost his way". I'm the one who's Uncle, who knew her for her entire life, chose the X's family over her. I'm the one who's cousin is barely speaking to her because, even though she doesn't like the X, she feels the need to protect Mr. In Law, her father.
All my cousins and extended family from that side are blaming me for all of this. I was told that I wasn't welcome in their home during Christmas. They said I should plan on dropping off the kids and leaving. Even though I haven't seen my cousins in three years, and they'll be up for the holidays, I'm not welcome. I can't come by and spend time with them.... I'm not wanted and it hurts.
I know that when the X and I got divorced I was also, in a way, divorcing his family. I just didn't realize I would be divorcing my own as well. Like a fool I assumed that our long standing relationship would withstand this, that I would always have their love and support. I should be strong enough and self sufficient enough to say, "to hell with you then" - but I'm not.
It hurts.
It's confusing and frustrating.
I don't think there's a damn thing I can do about it but hope it stops breaking my heart some day soon because sometimes I feel like I've lost so much I can't take loosing anything else.
Well it works like this. Mr In-Law started out as my Uncle. He was married to my father's sister and divorced for about 15 years. My senior year in high school he met my X's mother - we'll call her Drama Momma. Well Mr. In-Law and Drama Momma hit it off and several years later they were married. So my Uncle became my Father in Law, and my Cousin became my Sister in Law.
What I can't wrap my mind around is how the X commits the horrible crime that he does against me, he says and does all the terrible and irresponsible things to the children... and in the end I'm the one who's loosing her friends and family. I'm the one who gets letters in the mail asking me to beg God for forgiveness for my sins so that he'll repair my marriage because my X "is a good man who lost his way". I'm the one who's Uncle, who knew her for her entire life, chose the X's family over her. I'm the one who's cousin is barely speaking to her because, even though she doesn't like the X, she feels the need to protect Mr. In Law, her father.
All my cousins and extended family from that side are blaming me for all of this. I was told that I wasn't welcome in their home during Christmas. They said I should plan on dropping off the kids and leaving. Even though I haven't seen my cousins in three years, and they'll be up for the holidays, I'm not welcome. I can't come by and spend time with them.... I'm not wanted and it hurts.
I know that when the X and I got divorced I was also, in a way, divorcing his family. I just didn't realize I would be divorcing my own as well. Like a fool I assumed that our long standing relationship would withstand this, that I would always have their love and support. I should be strong enough and self sufficient enough to say, "to hell with you then" - but I'm not.
It hurts.
It's confusing and frustrating.
I don't think there's a damn thing I can do about it but hope it stops breaking my heart some day soon because sometimes I feel like I've lost so much I can't take loosing anything else.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Someone to celebrate with.
In a few short hours it will be Halloween. I'm sitting here with BLT talking about the plans for our party. We get approximately 400 trick or treaters here, Halloween is a big deal in my little town. Houses are decorated, businesses stay open late to pass out candy, and the schools have big Harvest Carnivals to celebrate.
Our family and friends will be arriving tomorrow evening. We've carved jack o' lanterns, decorated the front yard and porch. We made appetizers and sweet treats, and we've cleaned and decorated the inside of the house. I think we're all ready to go!
I can't really put into words how cool it is to have someone to share my favorite holiday with. It makes everything more special. Life in general is just more fun with BLT around to share it with. He never makes me feel foolish when I get excited about fake tombstones in the front yard, or the Fourth of July parade. He's just as excited as I am, and such a good sport.
My X was pretty much an anti-social tight ass. He refused to dress up, didn't like to participate in anything he deemed "immature" and he had alienated my family and friends to the point that he didn't often come down from our bedroom or out of his office when we did have parties or celebrations.
BLT is exactly the opposite in this respect. He's excited to get dressed up (we already went out last night to sing Karaoke at our favorite night spot here in town all dressed up in our costumes) he and my parents have a mutual affection and enjoy each other's company, and he loves getting in touch with his inner kid and having fun doing silly or "immature" things with the girls and I.
It sounds simple - but to me it's a very big deal that we can have fun like this together as a family. We can celebrate and enjoy ourselves with the people in our lives we enjoy. It makes me happy. It's just one more way that we're very well suited for each other. I finally found someone else who loves Halloween as much as I do. Now cue the spooky music and bring on the treats - we're ready to party!
Our family and friends will be arriving tomorrow evening. We've carved jack o' lanterns, decorated the front yard and porch. We made appetizers and sweet treats, and we've cleaned and decorated the inside of the house. I think we're all ready to go!
I can't really put into words how cool it is to have someone to share my favorite holiday with. It makes everything more special. Life in general is just more fun with BLT around to share it with. He never makes me feel foolish when I get excited about fake tombstones in the front yard, or the Fourth of July parade. He's just as excited as I am, and such a good sport.
My X was pretty much an anti-social tight ass. He refused to dress up, didn't like to participate in anything he deemed "immature" and he had alienated my family and friends to the point that he didn't often come down from our bedroom or out of his office when we did have parties or celebrations.
BLT is exactly the opposite in this respect. He's excited to get dressed up (we already went out last night to sing Karaoke at our favorite night spot here in town all dressed up in our costumes) he and my parents have a mutual affection and enjoy each other's company, and he loves getting in touch with his inner kid and having fun doing silly or "immature" things with the girls and I.
It sounds simple - but to me it's a very big deal that we can have fun like this together as a family. We can celebrate and enjoy ourselves with the people in our lives we enjoy. It makes me happy. It's just one more way that we're very well suited for each other. I finally found someone else who loves Halloween as much as I do. Now cue the spooky music and bring on the treats - we're ready to party!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I'm leavin' on a jet plane...
Well actually the kids and I are leaving on a jet plane. After talking with the kids' therapist it was decided that it would be good for the kids to have something to look forward to in March, rather than just focusing on the X's release. My goal is to replace an anxiety inducing event with one that brings about feelings of excitement and happiness.
Well there is no happier place on earth than Disneyland! So I emptied out my bank account and booked five airline tickets and a modest hotel that's close enough to the park entrance to walk.
The last thing I have to figure out is tickets to the park itself. My X's family always spends too much money on lavish gifts during the holidays. Toys we don't have room for, designer clothes I feel bad when the kids stain or tear. This year I'm going to ask for Disneyland tickets, gift certificates to the park, or cash in lieu of expensive gifts we don't have the room for.
I'm hoping they aren't offended, and they'll understand my reasoning and be willing to help out. If I can get help with the tickets that just leaves me four days worth of meals. Our hotel room has a small fridge - and breakfast is free. We'll bring water bottles and snacks into the park to keep costs down and just have lunch and dinner each day to worry about.
Cross your fingers for me that we figure this out. I think a mother / kid trip is exactly what my kids need. BLT is going to have to work - we can't both take time off so it's just me and kids. My undivided attention for four whole days of sun and fun in the Magic Kingdom is definitely something to get excited about.
Well there is no happier place on earth than Disneyland! So I emptied out my bank account and booked five airline tickets and a modest hotel that's close enough to the park entrance to walk.
The last thing I have to figure out is tickets to the park itself. My X's family always spends too much money on lavish gifts during the holidays. Toys we don't have room for, designer clothes I feel bad when the kids stain or tear. This year I'm going to ask for Disneyland tickets, gift certificates to the park, or cash in lieu of expensive gifts we don't have the room for.
I'm hoping they aren't offended, and they'll understand my reasoning and be willing to help out. If I can get help with the tickets that just leaves me four days worth of meals. Our hotel room has a small fridge - and breakfast is free. We'll bring water bottles and snacks into the park to keep costs down and just have lunch and dinner each day to worry about.
Cross your fingers for me that we figure this out. I think a mother / kid trip is exactly what my kids need. BLT is going to have to work - we can't both take time off so it's just me and kids. My undivided attention for four whole days of sun and fun in the Magic Kingdom is definitely something to get excited about.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
8 years go by quickly
Today TNT turns 8 years old. I can't believe it's already that time of year again. BLT's family is in town, so we're having a BBQ here this afternoon to celebrate her birthday.
My parents will get to meet his parents. I hope everything goes well!
My parents will get to meet his parents. I hope everything goes well!
Friday, October 15, 2010
We Are Family
The issue of exactly what is a family has been raised by my children. Last week Monkey Pants asked BLT if he was a part of our family. He asked if the kids wanted him to be a part of our family and they all gave a resounding "yes" so he said, "then it's settled...we're a family" and that seemed to make them happy.
Several times over the past few months Lady Bug asked if we would get married. I told her that mommy has no plans to get married any time soon. She seems okay with this, but excited about the possibility of a future wedding for her to take part in. I think it's her dreams of wearing a fancy bridesmaid dress more than a need for the adults in her life to be legally wed that brings on these questions.
This week BLT's parents and his two year old, Fraggle, came to visit. BLT has a complicated shared custody arrangement with Fraggles maternal grandparents. Fraggles mother isn't in the picture for the most part. This is something that worked out really well while he lived in the same state, but is going to have to change soon - we are going to wait until the X gets out of jail and see if life settles down a bit before we bring a toddler into the mix and we start doing the legal work to get her up here with us.
Having the Fraggle here has felt like it was meant to be. The kids all adore each other. Chef babysat this evening so that the adults could have a grown up dinner together. Fraggle has been sleeping in our bed between us - and it's just like when my own babies were toddlers. It just feels right.
When Fraggle looked at me today and said, "I love you" it melted my heart.
No matter how unconventional, and no matter what anyone else might think we ARE a family. And I'm madly in love with the loud, busy, slightly odd family we are becoming.
Several times over the past few months Lady Bug asked if we would get married. I told her that mommy has no plans to get married any time soon. She seems okay with this, but excited about the possibility of a future wedding for her to take part in. I think it's her dreams of wearing a fancy bridesmaid dress more than a need for the adults in her life to be legally wed that brings on these questions.
This week BLT's parents and his two year old, Fraggle, came to visit. BLT has a complicated shared custody arrangement with Fraggles maternal grandparents. Fraggles mother isn't in the picture for the most part. This is something that worked out really well while he lived in the same state, but is going to have to change soon - we are going to wait until the X gets out of jail and see if life settles down a bit before we bring a toddler into the mix and we start doing the legal work to get her up here with us.
Having the Fraggle here has felt like it was meant to be. The kids all adore each other. Chef babysat this evening so that the adults could have a grown up dinner together. Fraggle has been sleeping in our bed between us - and it's just like when my own babies were toddlers. It just feels right.
When Fraggle looked at me today and said, "I love you" it melted my heart.
No matter how unconventional, and no matter what anyone else might think we ARE a family. And I'm madly in love with the loud, busy, slightly odd family we are becoming.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Some days it's just too much to handle.
The past couple of days have been rough. To be honest, the past week has been hell. With the 13th being the one year Anniversary of the crime I've been very edgy. September 10th would have been my 16th wedding anniversary as well, and while I didn't actively think about that...something had been nagging at me the whole day. Like some important that I forgot, and about two o'clock in the afternoon I looked hard at the calender for a bit and realized what it was.
Last week I finally got into contact with my lawyer in regards to extending the no contact order for my kids. I was told that it would take about a week but that she would get the paperwork to me. A week passed without any word from her. Over the next three days I called, emailed, and left several messages. She never called or emailed me back. The expiration date is quickly approaching, and I'm starting to get very anxious. I told my lawyer this several times and it didn't seem to speed the process up or encourage her to contact me in any way.
Friday I just lost it. My mother and BLT were telling me to calm down, that it was no big deal, that it would all work itself out and blah blah blah... It was just all too much. The stress, the anxiety about the no contact order expiring, and feeling ignored just built up inside my head. I snapped. I told them both that they have no right to tell me how to feel. That once they've been at the other end of a rifle, and found out that the person who tried to shoot them told their children in graphic detail how to kill themselves if he didn't come home - and that same person wants contact with your children - well once they've experienced that THEN they can tell me how I should feel.
And you know what? I still feel that way. Everyone thinks that a year passed and like magic all the fear, anxiety, stress, pain (mental and physical) and trauma should just disappear. Maybe they are right, but I feel VERY alone. Nobody knows what this is like. Nobody else has had to deal with the near daily bullshit that I do. DSHS, Restraining Orders, Collection Agents, Crazy In Laws, Lawyers - on top of the day to day stress of work and parenting. I feel bombarded, and I usually deal with it fairly well - but please, for the love of God, DO NOT TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL!
Don't tell me to calm down when I'm upset over the fact that a crazy man wants access to my children. Do not tell me that it'll all work out, because my history has proven to me, without a doubt, that it doesn't. It doesn't just all work out like rainbows and butterflies, and God-damned unicorns and magic. Life doesn't work like that. It's messy, and sad, and dirty, and unfair. That's the reality of my world.
I finally decided to bypass my lawyer all together and contact the prosecutor's office. I was directed to the department where my request for an extension would be filed, only to find out that it's pretty much too late. You have to file your request with the court in enough time for a court date to be appointed so your motion can be heard. That process takes 2 - 4 weeks. If my protection order for the kids expires I'll have to start from scratch and hope that a judge will put a new one into place - and since he's in jail there is no immediate threat (except he wants to talk to, and have the kids visit him in jail which I'm 100% against. Also if they aren't not on a no contact order he can petition for information on their whereabouts... school, home address etc. Something he's been trying to do this whole time. He finds them, and then he knows how to find me.) so I was told it's not likely that would happen... an extension is easier to get however. I guess they figure if you're really all that afraid then you'll take care of it when you're supposed to.
So basically - my lawyer dropped the ball and now the kids and I are screwed. I'm going to file the papers anyway, on my own, and pray. It's all I can do.
To top all this stress and drama off in a royal fashion, my father (who is my boss) got all pissed off and yelled at me. He told me to keep my personal "shit" out of the office. Fine... thanks for all the support dad. Sorry my life falling apart is inconvenient for you.
So I spent the day crying. I couldn't sleep last night - and of course my kids woke me up at six thirty this morning, after only 3 hours of sleep. I feel like shit. I'm stressed out beyond belief. I feel alone, and sad, and ganged up upon by my family and BLT as well.
I KNOW they're tired of dealing with all this on a peripheral level. I get it. For craps sake, I'm sick of dealing with it directly - but I don't have a choice. This is what my life has become. Dealing with one disaster after another. Financial, emotional, physical, maternal, domestic... around every corner is some new craptastic mess for me to clean up.
I just can't handle it anymore...I think I'm starting to crack. I can't stop crying.
Last week I finally got into contact with my lawyer in regards to extending the no contact order for my kids. I was told that it would take about a week but that she would get the paperwork to me. A week passed without any word from her. Over the next three days I called, emailed, and left several messages. She never called or emailed me back. The expiration date is quickly approaching, and I'm starting to get very anxious. I told my lawyer this several times and it didn't seem to speed the process up or encourage her to contact me in any way.
Friday I just lost it. My mother and BLT were telling me to calm down, that it was no big deal, that it would all work itself out and blah blah blah... It was just all too much. The stress, the anxiety about the no contact order expiring, and feeling ignored just built up inside my head. I snapped. I told them both that they have no right to tell me how to feel. That once they've been at the other end of a rifle, and found out that the person who tried to shoot them told their children in graphic detail how to kill themselves if he didn't come home - and that same person wants contact with your children - well once they've experienced that THEN they can tell me how I should feel.
And you know what? I still feel that way. Everyone thinks that a year passed and like magic all the fear, anxiety, stress, pain (mental and physical) and trauma should just disappear. Maybe they are right, but I feel VERY alone. Nobody knows what this is like. Nobody else has had to deal with the near daily bullshit that I do. DSHS, Restraining Orders, Collection Agents, Crazy In Laws, Lawyers - on top of the day to day stress of work and parenting. I feel bombarded, and I usually deal with it fairly well - but please, for the love of God, DO NOT TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL!
Don't tell me to calm down when I'm upset over the fact that a crazy man wants access to my children. Do not tell me that it'll all work out, because my history has proven to me, without a doubt, that it doesn't. It doesn't just all work out like rainbows and butterflies, and God-damned unicorns and magic. Life doesn't work like that. It's messy, and sad, and dirty, and unfair. That's the reality of my world.
I finally decided to bypass my lawyer all together and contact the prosecutor's office. I was directed to the department where my request for an extension would be filed, only to find out that it's pretty much too late. You have to file your request with the court in enough time for a court date to be appointed so your motion can be heard. That process takes 2 - 4 weeks. If my protection order for the kids expires I'll have to start from scratch and hope that a judge will put a new one into place - and since he's in jail there is no immediate threat (except he wants to talk to, and have the kids visit him in jail which I'm 100% against. Also if they aren't not on a no contact order he can petition for information on their whereabouts... school, home address etc. Something he's been trying to do this whole time. He finds them, and then he knows how to find me.) so I was told it's not likely that would happen... an extension is easier to get however. I guess they figure if you're really all that afraid then you'll take care of it when you're supposed to.
So basically - my lawyer dropped the ball and now the kids and I are screwed. I'm going to file the papers anyway, on my own, and pray. It's all I can do.
To top all this stress and drama off in a royal fashion, my father (who is my boss) got all pissed off and yelled at me. He told me to keep my personal "shit" out of the office. Fine... thanks for all the support dad. Sorry my life falling apart is inconvenient for you.
So I spent the day crying. I couldn't sleep last night - and of course my kids woke me up at six thirty this morning, after only 3 hours of sleep. I feel like shit. I'm stressed out beyond belief. I feel alone, and sad, and ganged up upon by my family and BLT as well.
I KNOW they're tired of dealing with all this on a peripheral level. I get it. For craps sake, I'm sick of dealing with it directly - but I don't have a choice. This is what my life has become. Dealing with one disaster after another. Financial, emotional, physical, maternal, domestic... around every corner is some new craptastic mess for me to clean up.
I just can't handle it anymore...I think I'm starting to crack. I can't stop crying.
Friday, August 27, 2010
I've made a big decision.
I'm going to call my former in laws and tell them about BLT. I've been putting it off for a lot of reasons. Mostly it's none of their business. My private life should be none of their concern. Also I know that everything gets passed onto my X in prison. Will he start trying to make my life difficult? More lawyers? False claims filed with social services about abuse or neglect? His mother and step-father punishing my children emotionally? There are a lot of possibly unpleasant outcomes.
However, you would have to understand the nature of our former relationship to truly appreciate how hard this is going to be for me. My former father in law was once my uncle. Sounds incestuous right? It isn't, but it is complicated.
The Uncle was once married to my father's Sister. Well Auntie and Uncle divorced when I was a young child and he had been single ever since. After I was out of high school the former Uncle met X's mother - recently divorced - at my graduation party. They clicked, and ended up getting married a few years later.
I can look back now and see how unhealthy our relationship was. Not only X and I, but our willingness to let his mother and step-father/uncle be so overly involved in every single aspect of our lives. Daily calls, input on where we live, how we raise the kids, our marriage. They felt free to express an opinion on anything and everything. They had their fingers in nearly every pie - and they liked that control.
Now that X is in jail, and I'm keeping as much of my life separate from them as possible, there is tension that wasn't there before. Of course they blame me for everything that happened. He might have brought a gun... but I drove him to it. Like that's some kind of excuse... God that makes me insane.
Well for many months now neither the kids nor I have told them about BLT. I've mislead, avoided the subject, and down right lied. I felt an intense need to keep them out of this area of my life. I needed BLT and I to be something they have no knowledge or input on. I don't care what they think, and I certainly have no desire for their opinion on the matter.
The thing is, I don't want my kids to have to lie to their Grandparents. It's getting harder and harder for them to avoid the subject, and it's unfair to ask them to keep my secret. I'm not doing anything wrong, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. It's ridiculous to keep hiding our relationship.
Will they like it? No. Will there be drama, blame, and contempt? I'm sure of it. But I'm going to make it very clear that they don't get to grill my kids about my personal life. If they have questions they can come to me, and I'll decide what - if anything I share with them.
I'm hoping the conversation goes something like this; "I just wanted to let you guys know that not only have I been seeing someone for quite awhile, he's moved in with the girls and I. The only reason I'm telling you is that I don't want my children to be in a position where they have to lie to you. That being said, I want it made very clear that I don't want you discussing my personal life with the kids. I'm not asking for your permission and I'm not interested in sharing any details."
The X's mother is a typical narcissistic, drama queen martyr. When I said once "I can't stay, I have a date" I got chewed out because she's not ready for me to be dating, it's too soon and just plain cruel for me to "throw it in her face like that" WTF? What the hell does that even mean? Somehow things always get turned around so that it's all about her. And people wonder how X turned out the way he did!!
So I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to tell them. Then I'm going to stand up for myself and refuse to be bullied, or questioned. I'll deal with the fall out once X knows in the same manner I've dealt with everything else. One pain in my ass at a time.
Wish me luck!
However, you would have to understand the nature of our former relationship to truly appreciate how hard this is going to be for me. My former father in law was once my uncle. Sounds incestuous right? It isn't, but it is complicated.
The Uncle was once married to my father's Sister. Well Auntie and Uncle divorced when I was a young child and he had been single ever since. After I was out of high school the former Uncle met X's mother - recently divorced - at my graduation party. They clicked, and ended up getting married a few years later.
I can look back now and see how unhealthy our relationship was. Not only X and I, but our willingness to let his mother and step-father/uncle be so overly involved in every single aspect of our lives. Daily calls, input on where we live, how we raise the kids, our marriage. They felt free to express an opinion on anything and everything. They had their fingers in nearly every pie - and they liked that control.
Now that X is in jail, and I'm keeping as much of my life separate from them as possible, there is tension that wasn't there before. Of course they blame me for everything that happened. He might have brought a gun... but I drove him to it. Like that's some kind of excuse... God that makes me insane.
Well for many months now neither the kids nor I have told them about BLT. I've mislead, avoided the subject, and down right lied. I felt an intense need to keep them out of this area of my life. I needed BLT and I to be something they have no knowledge or input on. I don't care what they think, and I certainly have no desire for their opinion on the matter.
The thing is, I don't want my kids to have to lie to their Grandparents. It's getting harder and harder for them to avoid the subject, and it's unfair to ask them to keep my secret. I'm not doing anything wrong, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. It's ridiculous to keep hiding our relationship.
Will they like it? No. Will there be drama, blame, and contempt? I'm sure of it. But I'm going to make it very clear that they don't get to grill my kids about my personal life. If they have questions they can come to me, and I'll decide what - if anything I share with them.
I'm hoping the conversation goes something like this; "I just wanted to let you guys know that not only have I been seeing someone for quite awhile, he's moved in with the girls and I. The only reason I'm telling you is that I don't want my children to be in a position where they have to lie to you. That being said, I want it made very clear that I don't want you discussing my personal life with the kids. I'm not asking for your permission and I'm not interested in sharing any details."
The X's mother is a typical narcissistic, drama queen martyr. When I said once "I can't stay, I have a date" I got chewed out because she's not ready for me to be dating, it's too soon and just plain cruel for me to "throw it in her face like that" WTF? What the hell does that even mean? Somehow things always get turned around so that it's all about her. And people wonder how X turned out the way he did!!
So I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to tell them. Then I'm going to stand up for myself and refuse to be bullied, or questioned. I'll deal with the fall out once X knows in the same manner I've dealt with everything else. One pain in my ass at a time.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Dear Former In-laws...
Dear former in-laws,
Please do us all a favor and butt out of my life.
You have to accept the fact that you are no longer involved in certain aspects of my life. When I divorced your son, hell BEFORE that, when he brought a gun to my house and your answer was to lay blame at my door you lost a right to have a say in how I live my life.
When you paid for the divorce lawyer whose only job was to screw my kids out of the resources they deserve to feed and clothe them then you made a choice. You chose your gun toting, narcissistic son over your grandchildren and you lost the right to have input on how I raise them.
Do not ask me about my personal life. Do not ask me about my finances. Do not share your opinion on either of these subjects either. Do not make judgements about me, do not discuss my private affairs behind my back with other family members. Keep your unwanted opinions to yourself.
Do not call me at work, and get me so upset by butting into things that have nothing to do with you that I start to have chest pains and feel the need to hide in a closet and scream at the top of my lungs in frustration.
What I once accepted as "involvement" out of parental love I have now come to realize is simply nothing more than an unhealthy control issue. You need to control what I do, what I say, whom I socialize with, how I raise my children and any other aspect of my life that you feel is your business because your bat shit crazy son is sitting in jail and you desperately need someone to blame.
I am not your scape goat for all the crap you're dealing with. I'm not the cause of your grief, your own personal marital problems, your emotional pain, your financial woes, or your ire. I did not raise a selfish, self obsessed, anti-social man, and then make excuses for his erratic and downright destructive behavior...that one is all on you. Deal with it.
I will not be made to feel guilty because I do not love your son. If you are sitting around hoping I'll take him back when he gets out of jail then you're just as crazy and demented as he is.
I will not let you control me with money - or the withholding of it. You can not bride me, or my children into behaving in the way you feel is most "appropriate". I will say what I want, I will tell my side of this story without shame. I will take responsibility for the mistakes I made, however I will not make any apologies to YOU for the decisions I made. BECAUSE I WAS NOT MARRIED TO YOU!! I will not hide my feeling or my intentions. I will not let you shame me into feeling like I'm somehow in the wrong for finding happiness and love because YOU aren't ready yet.
I am moving on with my life. Accept it, or leave me the hell alone.
Yours Truly,
Little Ol' Me
Please do us all a favor and butt out of my life.
You have to accept the fact that you are no longer involved in certain aspects of my life. When I divorced your son, hell BEFORE that, when he brought a gun to my house and your answer was to lay blame at my door you lost a right to have a say in how I live my life.
When you paid for the divorce lawyer whose only job was to screw my kids out of the resources they deserve to feed and clothe them then you made a choice. You chose your gun toting, narcissistic son over your grandchildren and you lost the right to have input on how I raise them.
Do not ask me about my personal life. Do not ask me about my finances. Do not share your opinion on either of these subjects either. Do not make judgements about me, do not discuss my private affairs behind my back with other family members. Keep your unwanted opinions to yourself.
Do not call me at work, and get me so upset by butting into things that have nothing to do with you that I start to have chest pains and feel the need to hide in a closet and scream at the top of my lungs in frustration.
What I once accepted as "involvement" out of parental love I have now come to realize is simply nothing more than an unhealthy control issue. You need to control what I do, what I say, whom I socialize with, how I raise my children and any other aspect of my life that you feel is your business because your bat shit crazy son is sitting in jail and you desperately need someone to blame.
I am not your scape goat for all the crap you're dealing with. I'm not the cause of your grief, your own personal marital problems, your emotional pain, your financial woes, or your ire. I did not raise a selfish, self obsessed, anti-social man, and then make excuses for his erratic and downright destructive behavior...that one is all on you. Deal with it.
I will not be made to feel guilty because I do not love your son. If you are sitting around hoping I'll take him back when he gets out of jail then you're just as crazy and demented as he is.
I will not let you control me with money - or the withholding of it. You can not bride me, or my children into behaving in the way you feel is most "appropriate". I will say what I want, I will tell my side of this story without shame. I will take responsibility for the mistakes I made, however I will not make any apologies to YOU for the decisions I made. BECAUSE I WAS NOT MARRIED TO YOU!! I will not hide my feeling or my intentions. I will not let you shame me into feeling like I'm somehow in the wrong for finding happiness and love because YOU aren't ready yet.
I am moving on with my life. Accept it, or leave me the hell alone.
Yours Truly,
Little Ol' Me
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
A girl has to meet her own needs on occasion.
For those of you whose mind resides in the gutter, no, I don't mean getting myself off. Although, let's be honest, sometimes it's just what you need. No fuss, and no egos to stroke. I'm not opposed to pleasuring myself, but if BLT is around I readily admit that I'm a fan of the manly bits and LOVE LOVE LOVE me some good old fashioned man lovin'.
What I mean are my other needs in life. Exercise, a well deserved pat on the back, a delicious meal. I gave myself all three today. I went for a two + mile run, did a weight circuit and walked home. I did a little happy dance and bought myself a new book online as a "yay me" gift. I made a delish Mexican feast and enjoyed every bite! Then I gave myself the gift of not being such a control freak. I walked away and let the kids clean the kitchen.
Will it be perfect? No. Will they forget to do something? Likely. Will I survive? Certainly. I'm trying to give myself a break. I'm trying to accept that with four kids my house doesn't have to be picture perfect.
I've worked hard, exercised hard, ate a great meal, rewarded myself with something I love and left my able children to deal with one of my least favorite responsibilities. It's been a good day. Maybe my need to run, mentioned in yesterday's post, is just me needing to let go of some of my perceived responsibilities?
Maybe I just need to take care of a few of my own basic needs, and let the kids and BLT meet a few more of their own? As much as I want to be Super Woman sometimes, I would much rather be more relaxed, more fun... more the true self I remember being when I was younger and less burdened by the weight of my world.
I'm not sure how successful I'll be, but I'll keep trying. Sometimes I think it's just a part of my nature to be a little controlling. But I'll be honest, I would much rather be happy than in control all the time.
What I mean are my other needs in life. Exercise, a well deserved pat on the back, a delicious meal. I gave myself all three today. I went for a two + mile run, did a weight circuit and walked home. I did a little happy dance and bought myself a new book online as a "yay me" gift. I made a delish Mexican feast and enjoyed every bite! Then I gave myself the gift of not being such a control freak. I walked away and let the kids clean the kitchen.
Will it be perfect? No. Will they forget to do something? Likely. Will I survive? Certainly. I'm trying to give myself a break. I'm trying to accept that with four kids my house doesn't have to be picture perfect.
I've worked hard, exercised hard, ate a great meal, rewarded myself with something I love and left my able children to deal with one of my least favorite responsibilities. It's been a good day. Maybe my need to run, mentioned in yesterday's post, is just me needing to let go of some of my perceived responsibilities?
Maybe I just need to take care of a few of my own basic needs, and let the kids and BLT meet a few more of their own? As much as I want to be Super Woman sometimes, I would much rather be more relaxed, more fun... more the true self I remember being when I was younger and less burdened by the weight of my world.
I'm not sure how successful I'll be, but I'll keep trying. Sometimes I think it's just a part of my nature to be a little controlling. But I'll be honest, I would much rather be happy than in control all the time.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
There are days I want to run away from home...
It's not even that anything is particularly wrong. I'm just feeling this amazing pull to RUN. Run away, avoid reality and responsibility. Skip work, pack a bag and just disappear.
I don't want to tell anyone where I'm going, and I don't know where I would go anyway. Just fill up my gas tank and drive until I find someplace with no phone, no television.
No dishes, no sick kids, no dogs to feed, no bills to pay, no laundry, no bill collectors, no X, no ringing telephones.
Someplace warm. Someplace quiet. Someplace I can peel off all my dried up layers and lay raw and exposed to the warm air. Someplace I can just THINK or better yet, STOP THINKING. Stop worrying about money, the kids, the X, BLT, work, my parents, my BFF, my pathetic bank account, my uncolored roots and unmanicured nails.
Someplace I can just cry and not worry that it will upset the kids, or make BLT think there is something wrong. There isn't anything wrong between us.
I won't run... because I'm not a runner. I stuck it out 15 years with a man I didn't love because that's what I do. I stick... I make do. I cope and I tough it out.
And I love my kids. I love my job. I love BLT and my parents and even my semi-retarded dogs. I love the town I live in and the friends whom I'm blessed to have in my life.
But I'll dream, and I wonder, and I'll close my eyes and fight against that need to run. Because as good as running would feel - I know, deep down, that it doesn't hold a candle to making love to BLT late at night. To cooking dinner together and eating as a family outside on the patio with the kids. While it might feel good in the moment, in the long run I would hate myself and I would miss out on so many beautiful moments.
So instead of running away from home I'm running towards it. I know, in time this feeling will pass.
I don't want to tell anyone where I'm going, and I don't know where I would go anyway. Just fill up my gas tank and drive until I find someplace with no phone, no television.
No dishes, no sick kids, no dogs to feed, no bills to pay, no laundry, no bill collectors, no X, no ringing telephones.
Someplace warm. Someplace quiet. Someplace I can peel off all my dried up layers and lay raw and exposed to the warm air. Someplace I can just THINK or better yet, STOP THINKING. Stop worrying about money, the kids, the X, BLT, work, my parents, my BFF, my pathetic bank account, my uncolored roots and unmanicured nails.
Someplace I can just cry and not worry that it will upset the kids, or make BLT think there is something wrong. There isn't anything wrong between us.
I won't run... because I'm not a runner. I stuck it out 15 years with a man I didn't love because that's what I do. I stick... I make do. I cope and I tough it out.
And I love my kids. I love my job. I love BLT and my parents and even my semi-retarded dogs. I love the town I live in and the friends whom I'm blessed to have in my life.
But I'll dream, and I wonder, and I'll close my eyes and fight against that need to run. Because as good as running would feel - I know, deep down, that it doesn't hold a candle to making love to BLT late at night. To cooking dinner together and eating as a family outside on the patio with the kids. While it might feel good in the moment, in the long run I would hate myself and I would miss out on so many beautiful moments.
So instead of running away from home I'm running towards it. I know, in time this feeling will pass.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Support... I has it...
In several ways I'm feeling quite supported these days;
1. My parents are going to help me make ends meet since DHSH cut off all my benefits. This is financial support they really can't afford to give, but they're going to tighten their own budget up and between us we'll make it work.
2. My Weight Watchers meeting got canceled as of tonight. Our tiny town doesn't have enough members to make it worth it, so they gave us some bullshit line about needing more support and merging meeting places. The closest meeting to me is now an hour drive each way. My mother didn't blink. She said we will figure it out and that it's more time to spend together! She knows this is important to me so she's willing to make that sacrifice with me.
3. BLT stuck up for my kids big time tonight. Someone from a local church came by the house while we were gone. They hit my kids up for a "donation" and my 2 oldest children, feeling pressured and not knowing what else to do gave them the money they had. The group left a video for the kids to watch about their mission / religion and all that. BLT used the information on the video to contact the church and inform them in no uncertain terms that it is completely inappropriate to take money from 11 and 13 year olds. He told them that they were not welcome near our home again, and if they come back we'll call the police. I mean honestly ... What kind of grown adult takes money from a child?
4. I had a good boob day. I'm normally a "barely B" cup. For one week a month I go up one full cup size and I actually have cleavage! I strap these little apples into one of my A cup bras and BOOM BABY - where's my v-neck sweater?
5. My oldest made dinner for all of us tonight. She did laundry, cleaned up, and ended up making some amazing roasted pork and rice pilaf. She's such a blessing!
1. My parents are going to help me make ends meet since DHSH cut off all my benefits. This is financial support they really can't afford to give, but they're going to tighten their own budget up and between us we'll make it work.
2. My Weight Watchers meeting got canceled as of tonight. Our tiny town doesn't have enough members to make it worth it, so they gave us some bullshit line about needing more support and merging meeting places. The closest meeting to me is now an hour drive each way. My mother didn't blink. She said we will figure it out and that it's more time to spend together! She knows this is important to me so she's willing to make that sacrifice with me.
3. BLT stuck up for my kids big time tonight. Someone from a local church came by the house while we were gone. They hit my kids up for a "donation" and my 2 oldest children, feeling pressured and not knowing what else to do gave them the money they had. The group left a video for the kids to watch about their mission / religion and all that. BLT used the information on the video to contact the church and inform them in no uncertain terms that it is completely inappropriate to take money from 11 and 13 year olds. He told them that they were not welcome near our home again, and if they come back we'll call the police. I mean honestly ... What kind of grown adult takes money from a child?
4. I had a good boob day. I'm normally a "barely B" cup. For one week a month I go up one full cup size and I actually have cleavage! I strap these little apples into one of my A cup bras and BOOM BABY - where's my v-neck sweater?
5. My oldest made dinner for all of us tonight. She did laundry, cleaned up, and ended up making some amazing roasted pork and rice pilaf. She's such a blessing!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
My Do Nothing Weekend
I've decided I'm doing nothing productive this weekend. I've spent every single day,even the weekends doing something ever since BLT moved in a couple months ago. We've done housework, yard work, gone into the office, hosted dinners, entertained family. We've babysat nieces, ran a thousand errands, taxied kids to hell and back, and I am completely, and totally exhausted.
I've been running on empty for days - forcing myself out of bed. Moving slow, feeling weak, and desperately in need of some extra sleep and relaxation.
So my yard that needs maintenance can wait.
My laundry can wait.
The removal of wallpaper, and repainting the bathroom can wait.
I'm not running anyone to the mall, the movies, to friends, or to the lake.
I'm not cleaning house, cooking elaborate meals, going out with friends, or going into work.
I'm going to lay here. I'm going to read my favorite blogs and decorating magazines. I'm going to take a long bath, and work up the energy to play Little Big Planet. I MAY decide to get dressed, but it's unlikely.
I'm not going to answer my phone, my email, or check my text message.
I think I'll start right now with a morning nap in the sun....
I've been running on empty for days - forcing myself out of bed. Moving slow, feeling weak, and desperately in need of some extra sleep and relaxation.
So my yard that needs maintenance can wait.
My laundry can wait.
The removal of wallpaper, and repainting the bathroom can wait.
I'm not running anyone to the mall, the movies, to friends, or to the lake.
I'm not cleaning house, cooking elaborate meals, going out with friends, or going into work.
I'm going to lay here. I'm going to read my favorite blogs and decorating magazines. I'm going to take a long bath, and work up the energy to play Little Big Planet. I MAY decide to get dressed, but it's unlikely.
I'm not going to answer my phone, my email, or check my text message.
I think I'll start right now with a morning nap in the sun....
Friday, April 23, 2010
I found my "forever house"
I have the most lovely story to tell you...
Once upon a time there was a young girl. She dreamed of her fairytale cottage. It would be blue and white. It would have a picket fence, a fire place, a vintage claw-foot bathtub, french doors that open onto a garden full of flowers, hardwood floors, and vintage glass knobs on the wood cabinets.
That girl grew up, she had babies, she bought her first house, and her second, and her third. Each house was nice...but it was never her dream cottage. Never a flower garden, nor a set of French doors to be had.
That woman gave up a lot of herself over the years. She let someone else determine her worth. She grew to not like herself very much, one by one she forgot about her dreams, but never forgot about that blue cottage. One day, many many years later that girl found herself alone. Now a single mother with four children she thought she would never be able to have that dream cottage of her own.
One sunny day this woman goes for a jog and like a vision from the past she sees her perfect house, her sweet baby blue and white bungalow. It's exists...and it's for sale. With a sad and heavy heart she realizes that some other person would soon buy that lovely home, for surely there is no way a single mother of four can afford to purchase it on her own.
For several months she jogs past that house every day, wishing, dreaming, and hoping that some day in the future it will come up for sale again and she'll be in a position to buy it. Spring rolls around and the woman needs to move her children from the tiny duplex they are living in.
She calls on every rental in town that she can afford, but each one is already leased out. There is only one rental left in town and it's several hundred dollars out of her budget. On a whim, with no real hope that it's an option, the woman calls the last listing. She speaks to the homeowner who describes the home - it would be perfect for her and her children. The woman asks if there is any negotiation room in the rental price. She explains that she is a single mom without any child support. The home owner was also a single mother, the homeowner says she'll lower to rent to what the woman can afford...what a blessing!!!
When the homeowner gives the woman the address the woman starts to shake. Her hands get sweaty and she gets light headed. It's the blue cottage!! The homeowner is stuck with two morgages, and she's willing to rent long term to the right family. She agrees to let the woman come and see the home that evening. They do a walk through and agree that on Monday the homeowner will email the woman a rental application, and if a long term lease works out, she will SELL the woman that house on a rent to own basis!!
The woman meets the homeowner for a tour. She opens the gate at the picket fence. She pauses on the thresh hold, spying the fire place, the gleaming hardwood floors, and the glass knobs on the maple kitchen cabinets. She feels a tear fall when she opens the French doors and sees the pond and gardens out back. Her heart starts to thump in her chest when she opens the bathroom door and a vintage claw foot tub is waiting there like an old friend.
The woman thanks the homeowner and practically skips back to the dingy, tiny two bedroom duplex they've been living in to tell her children that Mommy found a forever home. A nest of their very own they can fill with flowers and love, and happy memories.
The five of them hug, they cry a little, they celebrate with ice cream for dinner. The woman can hardly wait for Monday to sign the lease and get the keys to her dream come true.
Once upon a time there was a young girl. She dreamed of her fairytale cottage. It would be blue and white. It would have a picket fence, a fire place, a vintage claw-foot bathtub, french doors that open onto a garden full of flowers, hardwood floors, and vintage glass knobs on the wood cabinets.
That girl grew up, she had babies, she bought her first house, and her second, and her third. Each house was nice...but it was never her dream cottage. Never a flower garden, nor a set of French doors to be had.
That woman gave up a lot of herself over the years. She let someone else determine her worth. She grew to not like herself very much, one by one she forgot about her dreams, but never forgot about that blue cottage. One day, many many years later that girl found herself alone. Now a single mother with four children she thought she would never be able to have that dream cottage of her own.
One sunny day this woman goes for a jog and like a vision from the past she sees her perfect house, her sweet baby blue and white bungalow. It's exists...and it's for sale. With a sad and heavy heart she realizes that some other person would soon buy that lovely home, for surely there is no way a single mother of four can afford to purchase it on her own.
For several months she jogs past that house every day, wishing, dreaming, and hoping that some day in the future it will come up for sale again and she'll be in a position to buy it. Spring rolls around and the woman needs to move her children from the tiny duplex they are living in.
She calls on every rental in town that she can afford, but each one is already leased out. There is only one rental left in town and it's several hundred dollars out of her budget. On a whim, with no real hope that it's an option, the woman calls the last listing. She speaks to the homeowner who describes the home - it would be perfect for her and her children. The woman asks if there is any negotiation room in the rental price. She explains that she is a single mom without any child support. The home owner was also a single mother, the homeowner says she'll lower to rent to what the woman can afford...what a blessing!!!
When the homeowner gives the woman the address the woman starts to shake. Her hands get sweaty and she gets light headed. It's the blue cottage!! The homeowner is stuck with two morgages, and she's willing to rent long term to the right family. She agrees to let the woman come and see the home that evening. They do a walk through and agree that on Monday the homeowner will email the woman a rental application, and if a long term lease works out, she will SELL the woman that house on a rent to own basis!!
The woman meets the homeowner for a tour. She opens the gate at the picket fence. She pauses on the thresh hold, spying the fire place, the gleaming hardwood floors, and the glass knobs on the maple kitchen cabinets. She feels a tear fall when she opens the French doors and sees the pond and gardens out back. Her heart starts to thump in her chest when she opens the bathroom door and a vintage claw foot tub is waiting there like an old friend.
The woman thanks the homeowner and practically skips back to the dingy, tiny two bedroom duplex they've been living in to tell her children that Mommy found a forever home. A nest of their very own they can fill with flowers and love, and happy memories.
The five of them hug, they cry a little, they celebrate with ice cream for dinner. The woman can hardly wait for Monday to sign the lease and get the keys to her dream come true.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
When you can't do a thing to help... that sucks....
I'm running into this situation a lot lately. Someone I love will be in pain, or have some kind of need and I am totally, 100% unable to do a damn thing to help.
Lady Bug, the third of my four kids is hurting so very much. She's desperate for word from her father, but with the no contact order in place she won't be hearing from him for awhile. I know she's sad, I know she's missing him (God only knows why) and I would ease her pain if I could. But that's not within my power at the moment.
My bestest buddy and right hand girl Ethel and her hubs Fred are having marital issues, as well as very serious financial issues. Once again, I am powerless to offer anything of value to ease their struggles. If I had the money I would give it to them in a heart beat, but I am just barely able to keep clothes on my kids backs and food in their bellies. Were it not for the financial support I get from my family when they can I would be in trouble of my own. Ethel and Fred's car was repo'ed this morning... an embarrassing and sobering result of some poor financial decisions/layoffs etc. and sadly I can do Nada, zip, zilch to ease their struggles.
My BLT lost a good friend, and his rental all in the same month. He's recovering from the loss of his friend - but I really wish I had been there when he needed me. Another casualty of the long distance relationship. He's having trouble finding a place he can afford to rent on his own, it's VERY expensive where he lives. What I wish he would say is, "oh hell with it, I've packed my truck Doll and I'm headed north... let's make this happen!" But it's not going to work out that way, I know that.... and I can't be there once again to help him pack, or move, or just for moral support.
All in all I feel like a little bit of a failure in the mother, friend, lover department these days. I'm just not good for much other than a hug and an open ear to vent to.
Lady Bug, the third of my four kids is hurting so very much. She's desperate for word from her father, but with the no contact order in place she won't be hearing from him for awhile. I know she's sad, I know she's missing him (God only knows why) and I would ease her pain if I could. But that's not within my power at the moment.
My bestest buddy and right hand girl Ethel and her hubs Fred are having marital issues, as well as very serious financial issues. Once again, I am powerless to offer anything of value to ease their struggles. If I had the money I would give it to them in a heart beat, but I am just barely able to keep clothes on my kids backs and food in their bellies. Were it not for the financial support I get from my family when they can I would be in trouble of my own. Ethel and Fred's car was repo'ed this morning... an embarrassing and sobering result of some poor financial decisions/layoffs etc. and sadly I can do Nada, zip, zilch to ease their struggles.
My BLT lost a good friend, and his rental all in the same month. He's recovering from the loss of his friend - but I really wish I had been there when he needed me. Another casualty of the long distance relationship. He's having trouble finding a place he can afford to rent on his own, it's VERY expensive where he lives. What I wish he would say is, "oh hell with it, I've packed my truck Doll and I'm headed north... let's make this happen!" But it's not going to work out that way, I know that.... and I can't be there once again to help him pack, or move, or just for moral support.
All in all I feel like a little bit of a failure in the mother, friend, lover department these days. I'm just not good for much other than a hug and an open ear to vent to.
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