God, this killed me...

My Ex likes to tell anyone who will listen that he never did anything to hurt our kids.  He has declared to the court, the police, therapists, family and friends over and over that he was the victim in all of this and that the kids have no reason to be upset.

This is a draft of my 13 year old's final for Language Arts. She is supposed to write a vignette about a moment in her life that changed her.  The spelling is horrible, but hey, that's not Chef's strong point.  This is also just her first draft.  Reading it was very powerful for me.  I cried my eyes out.... it makes me hate that man with a passion I feel for no other living person. 

********************************************

People are like oxygen, we need them, they surround us, giving us light and energy. Sometimes that light disappears, and other times, it gets taken away.


He left us in the white van the smell of upholster and rain dampen concrete invading my senses. The sound of the traffic coming by blasted my ears with wanting, wanting to be somewhere, anywhere else. I joke on the outside my sisters young smiling faces making the gnawing fear a little more bearable each second. Until I saw them, they came one by one with packages, big, tall, wrapped up and hiding the deathly thing that lays inside. The sign of the gun shop will always be burned into my mind.

He lays there like nothings wrong, twirling the bullet casing in his fingers like it's all a joke, like it's not something sick and wrong, like it's an innocent toy or play thing. I watch it glint in the sunlight and listen to my sisters sobs, rubbing her back reassuringly, while my mind is trying to stay calm and not hear the words coming out of his mouth. It scared me relentlessly, what he's saying so rationally, about something so wrong.

The gun was loaded, car was ready, alaby set, his footsteps thunder with finality as he walked through the door, and hopefully, out of my life. The clock strikes seven, the days long gone, I still hear those footsteps song as he steps out of the door with finality. I didn't think he could do it, I didn't think he would try, but then again, people aren't always what you think.

Happy Divorce-a-Versary to Me!

Yesterday was the one year anniversary.... or Divorce-a-Versary if you will... from my psychotic X.  I celebrated in style with beer and Nachos at my favorite Mexican restaurant with Ethel and BLT. Not extravagant, and quick like, as it's a week night - but it was fun to toast to the future and not so fondly remember Capt. Cookaloo.

I've come a long way in a relatively short period of time, and as hard, and horrible as it's been at times I don't regret it.

I don't regret my relationship with BLT, my divorce, or the struggles the kids and I have endured because we're stronger for it. We are closer, and we are all so happy with our little blue cottage, our sleepy little town, and our family.

My only wish would be that my X would suffer a traumatic brain injury and get total amnesia, or get eaten by a Velociraptor.  But since that doesn't look like it'll happen I'll just have to fight him through legal means.  Not fun, but necessary.  I have faith that we'll all be OK in the end.... we just might need to lean on friends and cry on a few shoulders as we go.

Thank God Ethel and BLT excel at the supporting and hand holding thing...  whew... what would I do without them?

Wanting Someone Who Doesn't Want You...

This is one I'll never understand.  A few people in my life are going through this same thing.  A family member is head over heels crazy for someone who doesn't want to have a relationship beyond friendship.  This person kindly, but firmly made that very clear.  Still, my former in law can't let it go, and it's making them nuts.

Ethel and Fred are in a similar situation.  For years it seemed that Ethel chased Fred, wanting desperately to make their relationship work and he seemed ambivalent at best.  He said he cared, but his actions always showed that he didn't.  Now the tide is turned and Fred is desperate to prove his love to Ethel and she can no longer see a future for them together.  She hasn't said the word "Divorce", but she's danced around it in every way possible.  I think she wants to leave the door open in case she has a change of heart...or maybe just saying it makes it too final right now and she's not ready to face the finality of the death of her marriage.

My X decided we were getting divorced.  I heard about it from my former Father in Law in fact!  Then once I moved forward and got my own place to live, a job, and the final straw being my X finding out I had been with another man...BAM, all he wanted was to get back together.  When I refused he got...well, crazy.  At one point I asked him, "X, why would you want me?  I don't love you.  I don't want to be married to you. We are not happy together."  His reply?  "I don't care if you're miserable every day for the rest of your life, you don't get to destroy what I built."  NIIIICE.... wow those are the words every woman wants to hear when someone is trying to convince them to continue or renew a relationship.

Why do we do that? Why do we want people who clearly don't want us?  Is it a part of that whole, wanting what we can't have mentality? The grass is always greener... all those sorts of things?  I personally don't get it at all.  I want to be wanted.  I need to be wanted.  

I've been ignored and it feels terrible.  And I wasn't even chasing my X... it was more like two room mates, and it still hurt to be dismissed.  I can't imagine chasing someone knowing they're not receptive.  My ego couldn't handle it.

I don't know how to help Fred or the In Law with this one... I want to say the right things, but I don't understand the whole dynamic they have going on, and I don't want to make it worse.  I don't think, "Dumb Ass... get over it, move on, he/she doesn't want to be with you!!!"  is the best way to reach either of them.  And honestly it's a good way to get punched in the mouth!  So..since I have the subtlety of a sledge hammer I realize it is kinder to remain quiet... confused and quiet.... and just listen while they talk.

That's all I've got to offer.

Bitter Divorcee Poetry

I'm having one of those weeks where I'm so pissed off at my Ex-Con loser of an Ex Husband. So in his honor I present Bitter Divorcee Poetry.

I wish I may,
I wish I might,
Have a buzzard peck his eyes out tonight.

Or the ever classy;

Roses are Red
His eyes are blue
I hope he gets Herpies
And genital warts too.

Hey I claimed to be bitter, not that my poetry would be any good!

Coffee, Cake, and Clarity...

Okay, it was actually Coffee, PIE and Clarity - but I just dig repetitive sounds so there ya go!

I met with Ethel on Friday night for some coffee and pie and conversation.  I'm trying hard to be a good friend to both her and Fred, her Mister, but it's a tenuous place to be at.  It's also really hard for me to understand all the dynamics of what's going on. I also just don't do the "lie to make you feel better" kind of thing. It's just not me.  If you ask for my input you'll get it.  Not to be cruel - I just don't think real friends lie to each other, even if it's something you don't really want to hear. 

Ethel found out that Fred is, once again...or perhaps better described as STILL, telling lies and doing shady things behind her back.  He always has an excuse.  He always denies and deflects, and hides what's really going on - and in the past it's always worked.  For whatever reason Ethel decided she wanted to salvage her marriage.  She forgave. She overlooked the obvious. She made excuses to herself and others. She went to counseling. She bought self help books.  She allowed herself to be bullied. She prayed, and cried, and wrote about her feelings on her blog.

So now we are - once again at a Cafe late in the evening while I hear Ethel say that she knows her marriage is sick and she doesn't have it in her to fight anymore.  She's doesn't care enough to keep hurting, and she wants to get a separation.  But it's still there... this guilt, this co-dependence that makes her want to please him, to tell him that they might be able to work it out with space and time.  Just hearing her say, "I just don't know what I want.  Maybe in a year or two I would be willing to let him back into my life but I doubt it."  is kind of horrifying to be honest.  How in the hell can you consider letting someone who treats you like this have any part in your life?  How do you not hate, with every breath, someone who has cheated on you, lied to you, emotionally abused you, physically intimidated you, made you doubt your value and your appeal?  How do you still have room in your heart for that person?  It sounds warped to me. I want to be a good friend and I want to be supportive, but I'm just not able to comprehend it on any level.  Those are not behaviors you would accept from a co-worker, casual friend, or distant relative...but you'll accept it from the person that stood before family, friends, and god and promised to love, cherish, and honor you?  What??? 

I want her to know her value.  I want both of them to be emotionally healthy and supportive, and to be good examples to their kids.  I want happiness for both of them.  I just have NO faith that they can do that together as a couple.  Whatever his issues are, plus whatever her issues are equal one giant dysfunctional mess.

I'm worried.  I've actually been up several nights worrying about her safety - physical and emotional.  Mr Fred declares that he finally understands how she feels.  Now he wants to work on their marriage.  Now that Ethel told him he has to move out in two weeks, and now that she isn't crying anymore, or telling him she wants to work on this... NOW he decides he can't do this alone.  He's in desperation mode.  Desperate people do unpredictable things.  He refuses to believe it's too late.  He can't see that he's caused so much damage.  I've tried explaining this - as kindly as possible, while being totally honest with him.  But he doesn't hear it yet.  He's not at that place yet, and he might not be for a really long time. 

That leaves Ethel and Fred stuck in the same house together until they have the money for him to move out.  That means that Ethel is under constant stress and pressure from Fred to "try again".  That means that there is a very good chance (looking at their history together) that Ethel will give in to her co-dependency and let Fred stay.  I honestly think it's 50/50 as to whether or not she'll really make him move out, much less follow through with a separation and not let him beg his way back into the house in a short period of time.   They've ridden this twisted little carousel ride before and she didn't follow through - and here they are again.

I wish life weren't so confusing and messy.  I wish I had the ability to make this easier on all of them - especially their kids.  It has to be confusing to have dad move out, come right back, have all this stress in the house, then move back out again....  It's hard on all of them and I'm pretty much powerless to make it any better.

This whole thing just sucks ass.

Getting What I Deserve

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” ~Maureen Dowd


Did you see that Ethel? This applies to both of us Love.


Doctor Feelgood - a.k.a. my therapist says that I have a case of self loathing going on. Its all wrapped up in my guilt over the way X found out about BLT, about the kids pain and all the drama and trauma they've gone through, and my own type A need for perfection.


Whew, that's a lot to deal with - drama, guilt, pain, and the need for perfection.... I'll be in therapy for years at this rate. I have a long history of accepting less than what I deserve, because I struggle with the idea that I actually DO deserve good things. I've never felt smart enough, or pretty enough, or talented enough. I settled for a marriage to someone I didn't really love because a part of me thought it was better to have someone, than to be alone... that it was the best I could ask for because I didn't deserve better.


I let him disrespect me. I let him call me bitch in front of my children. I let him get out of being a full time father so that I didn't make waves. I didn't leave when I knew I was never going to be happy with him - because a part of me didn't think I was able, or worthy of better.


So, I'm writing it down so that it's out there. I deserve happiness. I deserve love. I deserve to be trusted and to have someone I can put my trust in. I deserve better this time around, and I won't settle for less.


At some point I have to start letting go of the guilt especially. It's the one thing that holds me back the most, the one thing that makes me doubt myself. I made mistakes, but those mistakes do not have to define me. I don't have to punish myself, or expect less for myself because of them. What I struggle with the most is that I fell in love with another man at the end of difficult and self destructive marriage and I had an affair. It was not the reason for my divorce, but it was a symptom of the cancer in our marriage. And while I don't regret being with BLT, it is not a choice I would ever make again. At heart I'm a one man woman.


I'm honest about the affair. Once it was out in the open I didn't make excuses because I believe in taking responsibility for your choices. I've been drug through the mud, humiliated, belittled, gossipped about, and questioned more times than I can say. I lost respect, and I lost friendships. My X made it a point to tell his version of the facts to every friend, family member, neighbor, co-worker, and random stranger who would listen. He exaggerated, embellished, and manipulated. It was humiliating to have all my personal business out there for everyone's entertainment. For the love of God he even told our Schwan's delivery guy, the real estate agent who sold us our house, and people he met online.... and all of those are the consequences for my choices. I can live with that.


But I'm not going to keep letting him punish me forever, and I'm not going to keep punishing myself. If former friends no longer want to be in my life, then so be it. I personally do not judge my friends by their mistakes - but by how they respond and deal with them after the fact.


I'm going to keep working on accepting myself and letting go of the guilt. I'm going to start asking for what I want, and expecting good things to come into my life, and I'm going to work on believing that I deserve to be happy.

I have a secret

It might just come back to bite me on the ass too. Before I get to the secret let me preface this by sharing that several years ago I looked at myself in a photograph and didn't even recognize who it was. I was fat. There is no kind way to say it... you can call it pudge, or "baby weight" even though my youngest child was two. But the honest truth was I had stopped caring. I stopped trying. I gave up on myself.


I was horrified. The very next day I went to the local weight loss center and joined. I went to the local Target and bought a Leslie Sansone walk away the pounds video. I threw out all the cookies and Snickers bars while crying big fat girl tears. Over the next five months I lost just under 60 lbs.

I felt sexy. I felt powerful and healthy and in control of my life for the first time in ages. I was proud of my body and my effort. I got next to no support or acknowledgement from the X. He refused to participate. He refused to work out with me. He refused to help me eat healthy... in fact he cooked whatever he wanted and ate it in front of me while I noshed on a low calorie lean cuisine for dinner each night.


Now here is where the secret comes in. In an effort to embrace my new body I took nude, semi nude, and down right dirty photos of myself. I masturbated to those photos, reveling in my long legs and flat stomach. They were for me. I loaded them into my photo editing software and created the perfect lighting. I airbrushed out the stray imperfections. They were beautiful to me.


Then during our divorce my X found the photos. He got onto my private computer and downloaded them onto a portable zip drive. He gave them to friends. He showed them to my children and tried to show them to my friends and in-laws.


He took what was private and empowering and he made it dirty and hurtful. I deleted each and every photo. But he has copies. His friends have copies.


I'm sure they're going to surface some time in the future to further humiliate me and be used against me to try and show that I'm a bad mother or immoral somehow.


It's one more thing he ruined for me.

Watching things crumble

You know what it's like when you drive past a car accident and you just HAVE to look? How you know it will upset you, but you can't pull your eyes away?

That's kind of what it feels like watching Fred and Ethel struggle through their marital issues and now a trial separation. Since Ethel is my bestest of best friends, my soul sister no less, I am participating on a peripheral level. I love them both like family and it hurts to see them hurting each other.

Well... let's be honest people. Fred is the major issue here, he says he wants his wife - but he can't stop participating in inappropriate behaviors with other women. There have been lies, and half truths for years, as well as a total refusal to get to therapy and do the work it takes to rebuild the lost trust.

I wish I had the words to ease their pain. I wish I was smarter, or more relationship savvy - but the truth is I failed at making my own marriage work. I have no business giving anyone else advice, except to say that you can find happiness after divorce. That I do know.

Speaking of things crumbling - on a personal note, I get to be hauled back into court by the X. At the last minute my lawyer received an email from the most expensive divorce lawyer in town. He's now representing the X (AGAIN) and they filed for an extension until November for the judge to hear my request to continue the restraining order against the X for my children. They apparently are preparing their "rebuttal arguments" and need more time.

So once again my character will be drug through the mud and I need to prove that I'm a good mother, and that he is a dangerous and obsessed man who has refused all form of counseling while in prison for trying to shoot me.

When and how did this become my life? Please someone tell me that there are good marriages still out there.

1 year ago today...

He called, demanding that I pick up the dogs from his house. I refused, it was after ten at night and I was just getting ready to hop in the shower.

The next thing I know he's at my door. He tries to talk me into coming out to his car to grab the dogs. Again I refuse. He tries to get me to come out to his car to get a bag of dog food. I tell him to keep it - I have my own bag.

When it's clear I won't come out to his vehicle he walks out and stands beside it for five to seven minutes. I just want him to leave. I just want a hot shower and my bed, I have to work in the morning. All I have on is my bathrobe and I feel vulnerable. I figure the fastest way to get rid of him is to see what he's doing.

On my front porch I see him grab a long, black plastic case with a center handle from his car. He says, "I told you I bought Chef a guitar right?" I think to myself, "well that's the weirdest guitar case I've ever seen, it's so narrow. I'm sure he bought some piece of shit toy thing that won't work and I'll get to fix it when she's disappointed."

I turn around and walk into my house, he follows immediately behind me. I don't notice him locking the door as well as the deadbolt. I sit on the couch, my back to him. I fiddle with my cell phone that I put into the pocket of my robe. I remember thinking, "maybe someone will call and I'll have an excuse to get him out of my house." I hear him behind me fiddling with the case and I assume he's pulling out this weird guitar to show me.

In a moment he says to me, dead calm, kind of a low, slow tone. "So we really aren't getting back together are we?"

"no... we are never getting back together"

"Well this won't take long" and like a slow motion dream I hear the familiar sound of a gun being cocked opened. Not that I have any experience with firearms at all, but I've seen enough movies. I've heard that sound a thousand times over on the big screen. I look over my shoulder and I see him removing shells from his pocket and loading them into the chamber of the rifle. It's pointed directly at my head.

I slowly stand up, backing towards the door I dial 911 on the cell phone in my pocket. When I hear the operator's voice I life the phone to my ear and say, "my ex husband is in my house with a gun I need the police NOW."

She asks me if I can get out of the house. I tell her I don't know. She tells me to run, just run and don't stop until I get someplace safe. I'm pulling on the doorknob and I can't figure out why it won't open. I see the deadbolt and I flip it open. I pull again... it still won't open. I'm starting to get frantic, I feel trapped. I'm sweating and my blood is pounding in my ears. It occurs to me that the door is locked, and I flip it open.

Suddenly it's a rush of cold night air and I'm running. I hear him behind me on the patio yelling "YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!" I keep running down the driveway. It is near total darkness, no street lights and only a few lights from local houses. I head to one of those lights in the neighbors house.

A sudden explosion of pain in my right foot sends me to the ground. I land on my right shoulder feeling it shoved out of its socket. Another explosion of pain makes my vision blur. I don't feel like I can take a deep breath as I crawl on my hands and knees to my neighbor's door. I pound furiously. I can still hear him screaming in the distance.

My neighbor answers the door. I tell him what happened. I'm still on the phone with the police. I must have given them my address by this point. They tell me that help is on the way. My neighbor hides me in the closet of a back bedroom with his teenage daughter and his wife. He's also on the phone to the police. I keep apologizing over and over for bleeding on their floor. My foot looks like raw hamburger and my arm is hanging limp, useless, and at an unnatural angle.

The police arrive a few minutes later. They get me out of the closet. They hurry us out of the house. I see the SWAT team arrive as they lock me in the back of a police car. I call my best friend and his family before someone searches me and takes my phone. For three hours I'm questioned, I'm forced to write a statement with my dislocated arm. My cell phone is confiscated. I'm nearly naked - still in nothing but my bathrobe, cold, and injured. They won't tell me where my children are. I'm frantic, having convinced myself that he killed them before he came to kill me. I am honestly and truly, for the first time in my life, hysterical.

The rest is a blur. At some point the police finally inform me that they found my children alive and well at his home. My former in-laws picked them up and they are safe. They take me to the station and lock me in an interview room. After approximately four hours I demand they let me go or charge me with a crime and get me a lawyer. I demand my cell phone be returned to me. I call my best friend. She comes to get me.

At some point in the wee hours of the morning he surrenders and they remove him from my home without further incident or injury. He's arrested. My life is never the same again.

I have to tell my children that their dad won't be coming back to them for a long time. I have to make statements to the police again, get a restraining order, contact my land-lord, get medical attention, call my employer, and try not to break into a million little pieces.

One year ago today I became a person I never imagined I could be. I became a victim, a single mother, a survivor.

One year ago today I changed.

Exhaustion and Pulling Out the Big Guns

I got back from three days at the Great Wolf Lodge with my four children and my niece. Five kids and me... and one giant headache. The kids were great actually, it's just the normal stress that goes along with keeping track of, feeding, entertaining, and transporting five kids under the age of 13 several hours from home to a water park hotel.

I love my kids. I love spending time with my kids... but damn... I was so ready to come home after 24 hours, much less three full days.

After coming home, what do I decide to do? I spend all day Saturday doing errands and today I help Ethel move! LOL, I'm obviously crazy, hehe. Actually I feel good about that part. It's a big job, and I'm her best friend. I would do anything for her. We kicked butt too! Big Motha Truckers rollin' in the Chevy - sexy! :)

Speaking of errands. I did something Saturday I never thought I would do. I purchased a hand gun and filled out my registration for a concealed carry permit. My X gets out in a little over six months, and I'm honestly afraid for my safety and for the safety of my kids. My no contact order will only go so far. He pulled a gun on me. It's been over a year and he's still sitting his crazy ass in jail taking no responsibility for what he's done. So... I won't be unprotected if he decides to violate the restraining order and he tries to hurt me.

I contact my instructor tomorrow to set up my private lessons and take my basic gun safety course. This is an empowering and still terrifying and horrifying prospect all at the same time. Up until this moment I've always been against hand guns. I am not a violent person, and I don't think you can solve violence with violence. However, he caught me unaware once, and I honestly believe he would have killed me if I hadn't gotten away. That will not happen again.

It's been an exhausting week. Emotionally and physically. Going back to work on Monday will actual be more relaxing I think!

Dear Former In-laws...

Dear former in-laws,

Please do us all a favor and butt out of my life.

You have to accept the fact that you are no longer involved in certain aspects of my life. When I divorced your son, hell BEFORE that, when he brought a gun to my house and your answer was to lay blame at my door you lost a right to have a say in how I live my life.

When you paid for the divorce lawyer whose only job was to screw my kids out of the resources they deserve to feed and clothe them then you made a choice. You chose your gun toting, narcissistic son over your grandchildren and you lost the right to have input on how I raise them.

Do not ask me about my personal life. Do not ask me about my finances. Do not share your opinion on either of these subjects either. Do not make judgements about me, do not discuss my private affairs behind my back with other family members. Keep your unwanted opinions to yourself.

Do not call me at work, and get me so upset by butting into things that have nothing to do with you that I start to have chest pains and feel the need to hide in a closet and scream at the top of my lungs in frustration.

What I once accepted as "involvement" out of parental love I have now come to realize is simply nothing more than an unhealthy control issue. You need to control what I do, what I say, whom I socialize with, how I raise my children and any other aspect of my life that you feel is your business because your bat shit crazy son is sitting in jail and you desperately need someone to blame.

I am not your scape goat for all the crap you're dealing with. I'm not the cause of your grief, your own personal marital problems, your emotional pain, your financial woes, or your ire. I did not raise a selfish, self obsessed, anti-social man, and then make excuses for his erratic and downright destructive behavior...that one is all on you. Deal with it.

I will not be made to feel guilty because I do not love your son. If you are sitting around hoping I'll take him back when he gets out of jail then you're just as crazy and demented as he is.

I will not let you control me with money - or the withholding of it. You can not bride me, or my children into behaving in the way you feel is most "appropriate". I will say what I want, I will tell my side of this story without shame. I will take responsibility for the mistakes I made, however I will not make any apologies to YOU for the decisions I made. BECAUSE I WAS NOT MARRIED TO YOU!! I will not hide my feeling or my intentions. I will not let you shame me into feeling like I'm somehow in the wrong for finding happiness and love because YOU aren't ready yet.

I am moving on with my life. Accept it, or leave me the hell alone.

Yours Truly,
Little Ol' Me

Is Divorce Contagious?

I'm starting to wonder if marriage is like sex; you know, the first time isn't very good - but once you get the hang of it then it's pretty amazing.

It seems that EVERYWHERE I look friends and family members are getting divorced. My cousin is calling it quits after a year of prayer, and church based counseling. They've been married 13 years.

Another friend from high school just shared that her husband left her for a freaking 21 year old. I mean really? What in the world does a man in his late 30's have in common with a 21 year old Barista? There was some back and forth, but in the end she's filing for divorce. She's in the early stages where it's mostly just sad and scary. She'll move into angry soon, but I'm not sure that's better. All I could tell her was yes, it is sad and stressful. Yes it is scary. But a year from now it'll all be over, and you'll be moving onto bigger and better things in your life.

Some friends on the outskirts of my social group have divorced and are in a bitter custody battle. They always seemed happy when I saw them at parties and social gatherings.

My former sister in law is a second time divorcee. She's angry, bitter, and resentful. I don't want to end up like her. I'm terrified of ending up being bitter and alone. She just oozes disappointment from every pore, and she wonders why she can't find a man. The problem is she's totally closed off her heart - she claims all she wants is casual sex. No dating, no meeting each others friends or family. While you would think guys would jump at the chance... nope... it's no fun hanging out with someone who so obviously hates her life right now. Plus I think it's just an excuse to avoid getting close to anyone.

Honestly most of the people I know who are married aren't happy. They go through the motions. Or they've just accepted their "fate" and they don't feel like starting over. Or like Fred and Ethel, there's issues there, but there are so many other things on their plate that working on their marriage has to fall to the back burner for now. The problems are still there - they are just simmering under the surface.

The only people I know who are happily married, or happy in their committed relationship are those that are remarried, or dating after divorce. My friends B & C are really committed and happy. They have all sorts of amazing adventures, they are so sweet together, they are considerate and share interests. I want their kind of marriage were I to ever do it again. What they have is special. They work at it. B was divorced and met C online. They had a long distance relationship for about a year before C moved here and they've been together over 11 years now. It's really beautiful to see them together. My parents are going on 34 years this winter. It's my mother's 2nd marriage. BLT's dad and step-mom have this amazingly sweet relationship, and it's a pleasure to watch them together. This is his father's 3rd marriage, and her 2nd marriage.

I guess I just wonder if we set ourselves up for disappointment and failure by marrying too early. It seems that all these people (myself included) got married at 19 or 20, or even in their early 20's. Are we allowing ourselves to be pressured to get married instead of just living together? Do we do ourselves a disservice by not allowing ourselves to mature a little before we decide exactly what we need and want in a life long partner? Do people who stay together do so because they're happy...or simply because they refuse to get divorced for whatever reason? Is it possible to be happy with one person for your whole adult life?

I hope divorce isn't contagious. I hope that I'm just more aware of it now since I've gone through it so recently. I believe in love. I want to think that there is someone out there for everyone. I want to believe that happily ever after is possible.

Good News / Bad News / No News

1. Good News: X is totally, 100% unable to sue me. First of all his lawyers filed a notice that they are no longer representing him - and since he's out of money, he no longer has his 500.00 per hour bulldogs to do his bidding from jail Second, since the kids are still protected by a no contact order I am under absolutely no obligation to tell him anything... so go suck an egg Mr. X!! If you want to make my life difficult from prison you'll have to beg, borrow, or steal another retainer, hire another law firm, and start from scratch. Since you're possibly the laziest creature that ever walked this planet I'm not going to loose sleep over your threats any longer!

2. Bad News: I gained WAY more weight that I was thinking. Three years ago I lost nearly 60 lbs using the Weight Watchers system, and I kept it off really well until my life went to shit a year ago. I've gained back 21 lbs, and I'm not happy about it. So back to WW I go. I knew all my clothes were too tight, but holy shit, I didn't realize I gained that much.

Tracking today has kept me honest, and here I am after dinner with 6 pts left for the day, which means I can have my beloved light popcorn or maybe a little low fat ice cream later when I'm watching TV with BLT and I get the munchies.

3. No News: Still no word about the 401K funds. My lawyer is looking into it for me, and I just have to be patient and let her do her job. Ugh... I suck at the whole patience thing.

What's New Pussycat?

Hello bloggidy friends! I've been away a little while. Lots of fun and not so fun stuff going on in my world.

First...KIDNEY STONES ARE THE SUCK... and yes, I'm yelling! Since Saturday evening I've been suffering with what I'm thinking are kidney stones. I've looked it up online and all the symptoms match, and today I'm finally feeling a bit better (but peeing out gravel is NOT even remotely comfortable.) but even feeling better leaves me weak, shaky, and feeling like I've been sucker punched in the back.

I spent the weekend with Ethel at the Farm Chicks show in Spokane. It was amazing!! I picked up a vintage mirror, an old desk fan, a tiny Baby Ben clock, some hankies, a train case for TNT, a quilted bed spread for Monkey Pants, a mirrored vanity tray for Chef, and a necklace made from an old scrabble tile for Lady Bug. I also found a giant wooden letter from my name in chippy white paint that I love ever so much! Add to that a few other odds and ends and it was a very successful thrifting expedition! Too bad it ended with me thinking I was going to die on the way home Sunday!

Well I got my divorce papers in the mail. While reading over them my parents noticed the part X wrote in about wanting the washer and dryer back. My parents were outraged, and they decided to help me get a new washer and dryer right away. This will avoid him being able to try and use this against me, to cause trouble, or god forbid if they broke while in my "custody" he could try and sue me for a new set. So it's done. I called his family and let them know a friend was headed their way with his stupid washer and dryer and it was their problem to store it for the next nine months until Capt. Crazypants gets out of jail. I mean really... they were willing to pay for the divorce lawyer who wanted to screw me over, I think they can pay for the storage unit to put his appliances in. Seems fair to me! My new set is AMAZING, and it's sooo quiet. In the end I'm happier and it's one less thing he has to try and manipulate me with later. He can't claim I didn't follow the letter of the law and return them, in working order, in a timely fashion.... screw him. He can have the dumb things.

Speaking of my parents, they decided that the kids and I deserved a little weekend away someplace fun, and they got us a very generous gift certificate for a weekend away at a local lodge and water park. It is someplace the kids have always wanted to go, so we are really looking forward to the adventure once school is out.

So life moves forward... BLT and I are great. I am thrilled to wake up to him each morning. I don't know what I would have done w/o him here the past couple of days. He's fixed the kids dinner, taken care of the yard work and helped out putting the little kids' beds together for me. He's been a real trooper through it all. I love him just a little more each day when I see his kindness to my kids, or his sense of humor with my parents, or his amazing work ethic.

The kids are ready for summer vacation. I'm ready for some sun finally. We are happy, we are all healthy, and we are looking forward to having some new adventures this year!

It's Official

At 2 pm yesterday I became divorced.

For the next nine months I'll have peace. Then he gets out, and a whole new batch of crazy is hatched while we wait to see if he violates the no contact order, if he actually gets a job, if he attempts to get visitation with the kids.... who knows what kind of crazy ass plans he's hatched up while sitting in that jail cell.

All I know is that I'm not legally bound to him. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel free. I feel like I took a huge breath of clean, fresh air.

I feel like my life can move forward. This is a good feeling.

Words of Wisdom... and Capt. Crazy Town

Ethel sent me an email a few days ago and this was at the bottom: Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile...

I love that! It's so true, and it really speaks to me today. I'm struggling with nearly all of those. Forgiveness? Not happening today. I'm working on the kissing, the loving and the laughing however.

I went to court, all scrubbed clean and ready to be DIVORCED! And I'm not... it was a total joke. First of all I had to read over the settlement and sign it.

Okay, here's the thing. I made an offer to try and avoid going to court. He absolutely refused. His mommy cut the purse strings. He made me the exact same offer, with one tiny addition. I accepted. My lawyer drafted up the paperwork. He refused to sign because he didn't like the way the dates were formatted, how we described the crime he plead guilty to, and a few other ridiculous things. I pay my lawyer to re-draft and resubmit. He signs, but can't send back the paperwork w/o a "special D.O.C. envelope" which we find out is total bull shit. He sends the paperwork in - but he didn't sign all the areas. We pitch a fit at the continued delays (this whole process has taken place over several months) and his lawyer signs for him and returns the papers... FINALLY!

I drive three hours to sign the paperwork, and low and behold he's scribbled notes in the margins. His crime is described as: Harassment with a fire arm, domestic violence against the wife. He scribbled out the words "against the wife" and wrote in "against himself" REALLY? WTF?? He's still sitting in jail believing that he didn't do anything wrong. He's convinced himself and his family that he came to my house, blocked in my car, locked me in, loaded a gun while pointing it at my head and said, "this won't take long"... and he was there to commit suicide. He doesn't think he did anything wrong. He accepts no responsibility - AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHY HE IS STILL REALLY, REALLY DANGEROUS TO ME!! He still believes to this day that I lied, and if I would just tell everyone he was only there to kill himself he wouldn't have to be in prison. WTF is this man's problem? He's a total whack-a-doodle.

So after our good laugh at the fact that the man thinks he plead guilty to domestic violence against himself I continue reading...

Under the section where we divide our meager assets he writes in "except for the washer and dryer, which are on loan from the husband to the wife." Again...WTF?? What does he need with a washer and dryer... in prison? The man doesn't even know how to do his own laundry! When he gets out he's moving in with Mommy. I have the four kids, I need the washer. The only reason he wants it is that he knows it's a 2000.00 dollar set and I don't have the money (you know, being a single mom with four kids and no child support) to buy anything as nice. I LOVE that huge Maytag set, it washes 22 towels or 16 pairs of jeans. Basically I can get all the kids stuff done each week. If I don't have a super sized set I'll never be able to keep up with the laundry.... he knows this... Jackass!!

So fine, I'll give him the washer and dryer. It's not on "loan" for craps sake, but whatever. I'll save up for the next nine months and try to buy one. Then I'll leave this set out in the rain in the back yard until he sends a moving company to pick it up. Maybe I'll toss a nice salmon inside it to rot for good measure.

See...that makes me laugh! But the forgiveness? Not gonna happen any time soon.

D Day

Tomorrow is the day, the big "D" will be finalized. I have to be in court by ten am... and the court is three hours away with rush hour traffic, so I get to haul my rear end out of bed at the butt crack of dawn.

What's weird is that I'm not feeling anything remarkable tonight. I'm not nervous, I'm not excited, I'm not worried about seeing the X (no idea if he'll arrange to be there or not, coordinating court visits when you're in prison is very difficult), I'm not feeling anything to be honest. It's like, I don't know... just another day I guess.

Is that weird? I mean, shouldn't I feel SOMETHING? Scared, worried, sad, happy... something? It's like the total apathy I felt for my X at the end of our marriage. I didn't hate him, or love him. I didn't think much about him at all...it was like our relationship just died and I didn't even mourn it's passing.

In a way I'm thankful it's all going to finally be over. Well over until next year when he is released from prison and I have to go back to court and fight to keep him away from our kids. Or at the very least I've been assured he will be given monitored visitation for a very long time. So we have some time to calm down and settle in, to live our lives and make some new memories.

Maybe tomorrow when I'm in the midst of it all I'll feel something profound. Maybe once it's over and I hear the judge pass down his ruling I'll get the sense of closure.

Distance and Acceptance

There had been this odd sort of emotional distance between BLT and I the past week. There's has also been distance with the girls since Easter Sunday, both with me, and with each other. It's been tense in the L.O.M household.

BLT leaving last Monday really tore me up inside, and I was dealing with all those feelings along with the issues the kids were having. It's been a rough week and half for everyone.

BLT had to go home and deal with participating in a memorial for his room mate who was killed in an auto accident. I could feel him pulling away from me, short texts and lack of communication the primary indicators... and it was at a time I really needed his reassurance that we were still okay. I honestly didn't know if the distance was him needing time and space to deal with his grief, or if it was him pulling away from the scary view he got of my crazy, hectic life.

I finally came out and asked him. He reassured me that it was in fact him being overwhelmed with J's funeral and life in general at the moment - but that things with us were as good as ever. I guess the thing for me is that if I lost someone close to me he's one of the people I would turn to, one of the people I would seek out. He didn't do that, what he needed was solitude. He had to grieve his own way, and he wasn't ready to share that with me.

We have had a couple nice long talks this week, and we're back on even footing. He sent me an amazing heartfelt text late last night, something he was thinking as he drifted off to sleep, that he had to share with me. It made my heart skip a beat. I know that he loves me.

I'm not sure why women and men, or maybe it's just BLT and I, react so differently to loss. When I would turn to him, he needed to turn away from everyone and have space. I can't let myself take that as some kind of problem with US. I have to be more flexible, and a little less wrapped up in what I need out of every situation. I'm learning as I go here... sort of making my way in the dark sometimes. I'm crazy, head over heels in love with him. My friends on Face Book keep telling me "love looks good on you".

Now the acceptance thing I'm still working on, however I'm starting to feel settled in my little house. I bought a antique desk in deplorable condition and I'm refinishing it. I'm paying off some bills so we are more comfortable financially. I'm hoping the X is signing the divorce papers this week and the divorce will be official in a few weeks.

The kids and I have been talking a lot about what our plan is. What will happen when their father gets out of jail. What they want, what I want. Some things we would like to try to do together. We're all starting to accept the new lifestyle we're setting up for ourselves, working on our boundaries and responsibilities to each other. The kids have accepted that our old life, with the 400K dollar house and the stay at home mommy who came to every field trip was a part of our past life. That our new life isn't bad, it's just different, but there are some really nice things. Most of all I think we've all gotten to the point where we accept that we're going to be okay, and we're going to keep changing and evolving as the situation requires.

For the first time in a long time I feel like we're really going to be okay.

The Disapproval of My Father

When do we become old enough that we no longer need our parents approval? Does that ever happen? Apparently my father disapproves of my relationship with BLT. He thinks my priorities are mixed up and that I have no business dating anyone right now, that my only concern should be work and my children.

In a way perhaps he's right. I mean my kids and I have been through a lot in the past year. Maybe it is too early. Maybe I'm robbing my children of one-on-one attention when I go away every other month. Maybe I'm not emotionally ready to be the very best girlfriend I could be and it's not fair to BLT.

And knowing all that, I still don't feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm really happy for the most part, and anything that is making me unhappy is related to the X going to crazy town on a regular basis and the resulting financial troubles I've found myself in. Those financial troubles by the way are getting so much better. I have gotten both my income tax refund and my payment from the stock purchase. I can pay off some old debts, get myself current, and save enough (hopefully) to move us to a bigger place if one comes available in town.

Anyway... I am actually really happy. I like the person I am when I'm with him. I love him, and he loves me. The kids seem to like him, and vice versa. The only way I could be happier is if he would move up here and we could be together more often.

So, what do I do? Do I tell my dad that I love him, and I respect him, but I'm a 35 year old woman and I'll make the decision that's best for me, for my girls, for BLT? Do I just tell him that I intend to do what makes me happy for the first time in my life? Or do I ignore his objections and hope he comes around? I know for damn sure I'm not going to stop seeing my BLT.

If that makes me selfish, or if my priorities are screwed up, I guess I have to live with that. I don't like that my dad thinks poorly of me, I've always been a bit of a daddy's girl. I don't like that he disapproves of someone I love.

My mom likes the BLT, she said she thinks "he's a very nice man." and she says she's happy for me. She remembers what it was like to be a 35 year old woman with a raging sex drive, lol. She can tell he makes me happy and that's enough for her.

I don't know what to do about my dad. A part of me is devestated he disapproves. A part of me is indignant and doesn't care what ANYONE one else thinks because nobody has to live this life but me.

The Final Countdown....

Do you have that song stuck in your head yet? Sorry about that...

Well Thursday is the big day. My BLT will be here Thursday evening for five whole days. Sadly it's the longest block of time we've had all alone. I'm so looking forward to it.

I'll also be introducing my BLT to the kids for the first time. We've been seeing each other since last summer, and I'm not going to let the fact that the divorce papers aren't signed yet keep me from moving forward with my life.

I love him, he loves me, he knows I'm a package deal - hell if I were fast food I would be the super sized, jumbo lunch! I mean four kids and two dogs is quite the family to jump into the middle of.

He's not looking to be anyone's daddy. His parents were divorced, and he had an excellent example in his stepmother. When his dad and stepmom got together he suddenly got three siblings, and he's fully aware of the ups and downs headed his way if we decide to stay together.

But right now, he's a big part of my life. I want my children to know who I'm with when I they visit their auties or grandparents and I go away for the weekend. I don't want them to feel like I'm ashamed or keeping secrets - because I'm not.

Final countdown until BLT gets here is 5 days. I need to get my house in order, clean out my car (because the odor of sweaty kid's socks and french fries is not sexy and I want to spare him that when I pick him up from the airport!) Wash all my bedding, pick out what I'll wear to pick him up in, get the yard tidied up and all the toys under control, bikini wax, pedicure, give the dogs a bath, wash the slip-covers on the furniture, hit the market for something yummy to cook him for dinners, pack up the kids stuff and make sure they're ready to go to their aunties for the majority of the time he's in town, and order tickets to the comedy club we want to go to.

So far I have managed to book a hotel downtown for us for two of those nights so he can see the city and we don't have a 2 hour drive back to my place. I've also searched high and low and managed to find his favorite beer, and it's chilling in my fridge. I'm such a nice girlfriend huh? :)

Whew... wish me luck! I figure if I'm busy I won't have time to be too nervous. Not sure I'm right, but hey, it's a theory I can work with.