Adapting, Changing, Growing, Learning

It's crazy how many times I've logged into the the ol' blog here and started to put all my thoughts into words, only to have it all fizzle out.  I start out with a bang and slowly it gets convoluted and mixed up, and turns into nothing but a ramble of jubbled gobbly-goo with no message - no clear progression of thought.  And so I hit the delete key and say, "I'll try another day. " Only the next time I put fingers to keys it still doesn't produce that witty blog post I've been hoping for.

Maybe it's writers block, maybe it's that I've lost the zest for railing about the ills of my former marriage and the trials of single parenting - especially since I'm not "single" anymore in any sense of the word.  For the first time in my adult life I have a partner - and I feel totally fullfilled in that relationship.  Not too many people want to hear about your bliss.  Anger, frustration, and drunken mishaps are ever so much more amusing! :)

I don't have any funny quips about dating to share - no inside tips on couponing, tutorials on making your own homemade deodorant from baking soda and evergreen needles or home decor ideas (lets be honest, picking the socks and barbie shoes off the stairs is my method of decorating!) so I'm not sure if I have anything of any real value to write about these days.

What does one share when things are going right?  If anyone cares my wedding is in 39 days... yep...  April 28th BLT and I are tieing the ol Knot at a beautiful Bed and Breakfast location in the mountains.  I can't tell you how excited and nervous I am at the same time.  Wedding plans are progressing nicely.  Invites were mailed and RSPV's are arriving.  We even received a wedding gift in the mail - I was so surprised I squeeled! The dress is being altered as we speak, and a suit ordered for BLT.  Flower girl dresses were sewn by my mom and I.  I built a cup cake tower. We wrote our own vows.  I picked out vintage gifts for my future in laws and sisters.  And I planned a surprise bachelor party for BLT back home with his best dude friends - he has no idea! It'll be GREAT!

How about legalities? The GAL was finally appointed and finished up her report just last week.  As expected she recommends that my Ex go through a significant amount of therapy - alone and with the children later - before he's allowed any access.  So full custody and all decision making for the children stay with me.  WHEWWWW...  I assumed that would be the case, but damn it's great to see it in writing. Now we just have to go to court for the final parenting plan to be written.  Easier said than done since the X is still full on crazy as the Mad Hatter and won't agree to anything.  So the fight goes on.... and lets be honest, I fully anticipate that the fight with him will go on until my last daughter turns 18.  So a bit over ten years of dealing with his rediculous accusations, and being hauled into court on his whim. I'm still trying to navigate a relationship with my former in-laws for the sake of the kids.  It's hard, and sometimes it hurts so bad my heart breaks in a way I could never have anticipated.  I wanted to divorce the man - not the entire family system I had grown to know and love over the years.  Some days I cry a lot.  Some days I can be pragmatic and understand that everything changes and all I can do is adapt.

I guess that's the theme of this post... adapting.  The blog, like me, is having growing pains.  All around me life is changing.  I'm getting married, my kids are growing up, my X isn't growing up.  I'm navigating a new relationship with former family members.  Our company is growing and work is busier than ever (thank God!) All around me there are opportunities to either accept this new life and change, or to desperately cling to what is known and comfortable.  I'm choosing to adapt. 

Are you there blog... It's me Lucy....

Long time no see huh?
I needed a hiatus.  I needed to get through the Holidays and the madness that post holiday fatigue bring to my life.  I needed to focus on all the GAL bullshit that's infiltrated every corner of our lives. 

The past month has brought a bit of frustration, a few tears, lots of joy, lots of fun, and LOT checked off my "to do" list.  I started the PINK method diet... go ahead and google it, I'm too lazy to link this morning.  I was told the first two weeks I was grumpy.  I don't recall being grumpy, but it's certainly  not impossible - I was going through serious caffeine withdrawal. 

There is wedding prep galore going on around the BLT & Lucy abode.  We are making tissue pomanders, getting dresses fitted, and trying to find a suit for BLT.  Mostly though we are just worrying how we'll pay for it all.  I calculated that over 45 thousand dollars, my entire life savings and a chunk borrowed from my parents, has been spent in 2 1/2 years trying to get divorced from my gun toting X and to ensure the kids safety. GAL fees are currently what is sucking me dry - and there's  no end in sight.  I have to fight to prove to the court why I shouldn't be financially responsible for HIS monitored visitation and court ordered therapy... REALLY??  No child support for two years while he's in jail for trying to shoot me and I'm responsible for his therapy? How the (insert filthy expletive here) is that even fair?   Anyway... I digress... that's a whole different post I'm sure.  For now, lets continue to catch up shall we?

Taxes are done - that's another big weight off my mind.  I'll be able to give it all to my parents to start paying back the above mentioned loan.  It's a drop in the bucket - but every bit counts, and my pride won't let me keep money - even to pay for the wedding - if I owe them.  It's just not right to buy stuff for myself if I still owe them, know what I mean? I couldn't live with myself.

So I apologize for my long absence.  I haven't read my favorite blogs even to keep up with everyone.  I've just sort of tuned out and focused all my attention on the kids, the bills, and BLT.  But I'm ready to rejoin the land of living...

Say Hi and let me know if anyone is still out there! :)

Long Time No Post, GAL Meeting, and Catch Up

I think I was hiding for a little while there.  I've been a bit more stressed out than normal and I kind of crawled into a little hole and hid for a week or two.  Buuuuuut.... I'm back and feeling all chipper  not entirely insane so I figured I would blog a little and work out some of the random crap floating around in my semi full noggin.

I do have to confess that I injured poor Ethel.  Last Monday I slammed the car door on her hand and busted open her finger.  It bleed EVERYWHERE.  I have no idea why she puts up with me, I swear.  Poor girl! Go ahead, I deserve a small amount of verbal flogging for being a klutz!

Also last week I  met with our GAL - I shall call her Dr. Britt.  Not because she's British mind you, but because it sort of relates to her name and she is a Dr of the PhD variety...and I just kinda dig it.  So Dr. Britt and I get together via phone the final week in October.  I had sent in 1/2 of the required payment to her and hadn't heard anything, so I called and introduced myself.  We had a short, but pleasant conversation and she forwarded some paperwork onto me by email.  I filled in out within 24 hours and emailed it back to her.  I followed up a few days later with an email letting her know when to expect the final half of the payment.  Shortly there after my X's evil lawyer calls and accuses me of standing in the way of the reunification process and actually said, "My client has behaved PERFECTLY and your client is obstructing his attempts at establishing visitation by refusing to work with the GAL.  She better get into compliance immediately or... insert random scary legal threats here"  So my lawyer contacted Dr. Britt and asked if I had been in contact and where we were in the process.  Dr. Britt replied via email that at that time I was the only one she had heard from, I was the only one who had completed my parenting worksheet, and I was the only one who had paid.  SO SUCK THAT YOU "PERFECTLY BEHAVED" JACK WAGON!  grrrr... sorry for the anger there, but jeez I hate being accused of standing in the way or being somehow responsible for his failures.  I don't need to stand in his way - he does a good enough job of screwing up on all his crazy own!

Well last week it was time for our face-to-face meeting.  It was nice to hear before hand that Dr. Britt realized this wasn't about me at all, and that interviewing me and meeting with the kids was just a formality - and that her primary job is to establish what my X's mental condition is currently and what kind of therapy, DV treatment, and possible parenting classes he will have to submit to prior to establishing some kind of reunification plan and monitored visitation set up.   So we met for two hours and discussed my history with my ex, our current living situation and  how the kids are doing.  We talked a bit about my plans for the future, and what I would need to see from the X in order to feel safe.  It was a really good meeting.  It felt amazing to hear her say that she thinks I'm a good mom, and that I'm doing a good job. 

Lots of stuff going on this week as well.  I'm heading to court on Thursday to try and get the kid's Restraining Order renewed against the X.  He is, of course, fighting it - so there have been legal shenanigans a plenty from his camp.  That's a whole post all on it's own.  The amount of absolute bull crap being flung over the fence from Capt. Crazy and his team of Legal Hooligans is freaking amazing.  Blatant, and bold lies even when we've presented the court with proof otherwise - and he clings to those crazy stories for all he's worth.  It's just laughable to some extent - but scary too.  I think he actually believes his own lies.  He's convinced himself really and truly that he's some kind of victim of the system and an evil ex wife who masterfully has manipulated police, judges, lawyers, therapists, and the family court system to screw him over.   None of this guarantees that I'll get my motion passed and get a 3rd restraining order though - so I'm trying not to focus on the "what if" scenarios too much or I'll devolve into a blubbering pile of anxiety and stress. 

This week is also my birthday.  I'm somewhere past 35 now and not yet 40.  It's pretty hideous actually, and I plan on ignoring the day as much as possible.  Although my wonderful parents did bless me with the gift of a shiny new 12 quart, restaurant quality stock pot.  I'm stoked to make some home made chili or maybe chicken and dumplings for everyone soon!

Also this week are four parent/teacher conferences, and lots of kid "stuff" going on. I think I need a vacation people!

Waiting for a call

I'm just sitting here waiting to hear from the Guardian Ad Lidem for my kids.  Two weeks ago she sent my lawyer an email stating that she would contact me by email.

A week after that I had not heard from her, so I mailed in the first 1/2 of my payment due to her, and I included all my contact information, and thanked her for accepting our case.

It been another full week and as of yet I've not spoken to her.   I know that she has all my contact information, and I imagine that when she wants to speak with me I'll hear from her.   I don't want to seem anxious or pushy so I don't call.  I don't want to appear as though I'm hiding something either - so I worry about not calling.

I am just not a patient person.  This whole thing is making me nuts. I want a resolution, or at the very least a plan to work towards a resolution.  It's been over two years of waiting to see what the X will do.  I'm out of patience.  I'm out of money.  I'm out of energy to deal with all this crap anymore, and most of all - I'm tired of my own story. 

Does that make any sense?

Capt. Coo-Ka-Loo strikes again!

Today BLT said, "Well it appears that X is going to behave himself.  Maybe the worst is behind us." Why oh why didn't we knock on wood, toss salt over a shoulder... something to negate the joo joo we just unleashed?

 It wasn't more than an hour later that I got a call from my daycare provider.  It appears that X was upset by the bill he received for his half of the child care.

Somehow in the La La Land that X operates in he's decided that he should only pay 285.00 per month for two kids.  No idea where he pulled that number out of, but he decided that's his fair share and everyone else should just go along with it. His half of the bill for October is 315.00... yes folks, he's harassing someone over 30.00, what the hell is wrong with him? 

So instead of being rational and mature he starts to fixate...  then he starts to call.  Between the hours of 8 and 11:40 he called 7 times.  Who does that? He creeped out the poor girls at the center, and I feel terrible that my provider is feeling harassed. 

He didn't get the answer he wanted from the first two people he spoke with so he proceeded to call five more times and just hang up when the owner wasn't the one who answered.  They did the *69 thing, so they know it was him. Once the owner was available to call him back he makes vague references to having his lawyer deal with the "Icky Sticky Legal Issues" as he called them.  What is there to deal with? You owe half - no matter how much it is. Suck it up, and send the poor woman her payment.

The other issue at hand is the fact that on two occasions the provider has informed him that she does not want to deal with him directly. She told him once, and sent him a letter informing him that she chooses to only deal with him via email.   So he really does need to leave this poor woman alone.

For the love of baby Jesus... he can't even exhibit a little bit of self control when he knows that the GAL and therapists have his behavior under scrutiny.  Why can't he just behave himself?

Oh ya... because he's a freakin' whack job! Part man child, part deranged felon...  that's right....

And that's what I pay her for!

Every now and then it surprises me just how damn freaking AMAZING my lawyer is.  My X just won't get on board with the GAL for the kids that was mandated by the family courts last month.

See, X was given 60 days to communicate with his kids via letters in order to introduce himself to them. After which he was supposed to meet with a GAL for a DV and Mental Evaluation, and a plan was to be developed after the GAL's investigation so that some monitored visitation could be established in a visitation center.  This is supposedly what he wants... but all he's done is be obstructive and defiant.

In the past 30 days there has been one letter sent to each child.  That's it.  He's objected (through his lawyer) to the GAL appointed by the judge.  Then he objected to both of the following GAL's we found who met the judges criteria. There is never any basis for his objection.  Just a flat refusal to sign the papers.

He recently sent a totally inappropriate choice to us, with a snotty little note from his lawyer that she was going on vacation so we should just "check Dr. D out and see when he can start."  Assuming of course that I would just fall in line with what he wants. Like I'm going to pay my lawyer to do HIS homework.  No thanks... plus this person doesn't meet the judges criteria of being an expert in Domestic Violence, and he's a male.  My four children if you haven't guessed by now are all female.  They went through a traumatic event at the hands of their own father.  They have male trust issues, especially the youngest and the oldest.  The fact that he doesn't understand this is further proof that he just doesn't accept the ramifications of his actions.

So my lawyer... being the kick ass legal bulldog that she is just sent him what is essentially a "shit or get off the pot" letter.  He has until the 26th of August to sign the papers appointing the GAL we've found that was approved by the courts - or we'll end up back in front of the judge.  He can explain to the commissioner why he's being such an ass.

It's just nice to know that she's taking care of business for me, and that she keeps the best interest of my kids in mind at all times.

Getting the kid to talk

ARRRRGHHHH... *PULL OUT HAIR*....

I'm so damn frustrated with my oldest.  We've been working with a therapist for over a year and it's still like pulling teeth to get that kid to discuss anything related to feelings.

It's just so hard.  The therapist has made it clear that if Chef doesn't become more forthcoming there is no chance that Chef will get a choice in regards to visitation. Chef will be forced to spend time with X if there is no open dialogue to prove that there is trauma there that needs to be acknowleged and dealt with.

What am I going to do with this kid?  It's all, "I'm fine, and everything is okay. I don't want to talk about it." etc.  I feel like I can only push so hard before Chef will start to shut me out too.  I don't want that to happen.  We have a really good relationship, and I don't want to damage that.

This parenting thing is hard sometimes...

Fool me once...

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.  Isn't that how the saying goes?  I have nobody to blame for my current predicament except myself.  See, someone I trusted lied to me. They had the best of intentions at the time, and I would like to think they honestly believed what they were saying... but when push came to shove they caved under pressure and sided with my X instead of doing what is right and standing firm. And by going back on their word to me they've put my kids in danger.

I should have known better.  This person did this once before. They laid out an edict that said, "I don't support him, I won't let him live in my house unless he does X, Y, and Z... etc and so forth." But when the time came they didn't keep their word.  They caved...  standing firm was too hard in the face of my ex and all my former in laws (and their money).

Knowing this I let this person back into my life... I listened to their promises.  I believed them. I shared and was honest and vulnerable with them, and I made declarations to the court in a legally binding statement because of the information this person gave me... and now I look like a liar.  I look like a fool.  I look like the kind of person that makes up things.  I look like a flake.

I am hurt and I feel betrayed, not only by this person - but by myself as well.  I didn't listen to my little inner voice that was shouting "don't trust... don't believe."  I'm very scared of going to court tomorrow.  I haven't seen my ex since that night when he brought the gun to my house. I'm afraid of what's going to happen.  I'm afraid if things don't go our way that my girls will feel like I let them down. I feel like we've lost another member of our family to this disaster - because, no matter what the outcome is I'll never be able to trust this person again.  I'll never let them close to us again.  There's too much at stake.

And worse of all... I feel like my kids are in danger.  If my X has half a chance I absolutely believe that he'll make good on his threats to steal my children in order to punish me.

We will be in court at 1:30.  If you're so inclined, say a little prayer for my children and their safety and let the judge see all the lies and excuses for what they are.

2 steps forward, 1 step back

Apparently the X's skeezy, sleazy lawyer convinced a judge that my children are in emotional distress because I'm keeping them from a father they are desperate to see.  For the record, none of them want to see him and I've got a therapist who will attest to as much under oath, who will in fact testify that it's not in the kids best interest to have anything other than very limited, and monitored access to him at this point. They aren't ready yet.

However, apparently I'll be in court in three weeks so that my X can plead his case to the judge for visitation. 

All I can do is hope that the judge recognizes how dangerous he still is and keeps my kids safety in mind.  I also hope she/he sees through all the lies and poor me victimization that the X is throwing around in an attempt to seem more sympathetic.

While I'm making wishes I'll toss one in there for control of my PTSD symptoms and anxiety during  all of this.   When we show up in court next month I want to appear calm, cool, and collected.  No tears - no outbursts, no anxiety.  I don't want to give him the pleasure of seeing me in distress.

Breathing Deeply,
Lucy

Getting What You Asked For... again.... a.k.a. Karmas a Bitch

So this is a reoccurring theme in my life lately.  I really do think, that at some point, one eventually gets what they ask for, or maybe it's just what we deserve.  Some claim that Karma steps in, or maybe it's just fruits of one's labors... both positive AND negative.  Whatever you want to call it - I've seen this rule in effect many times over the past couple  of years.

Well this time ol Karma stepped up and spanked my craptastic X like a wayward child.  BOOM BABY... back to the corner!  It seems  that ol Mr. X asked for a change of venue in an attempt to punish me financially, as well as speed up this ridiculous custody battle he's brought to my doorstep.  Well we just got our paper work from the court and court date was set...  they can squeeze us in...

are you ready?  It's good...

Wait for it....

(yes I'm giggling and rubbing my hands together in fiendish delight)

MAY 2012

I really am laughing my ass off here people.  He has to wait nearly a year to even plead his case! See this is what happens when you try to play games with the court. He thought he was SO smart.  He thought he could harass me and scare me into signing some b.s. document that gave him access to my kids.  He wants custody but refuses to get any mental health treatment, or even acknowledge that he went to jail for a DV charge.  He's still trying to convince the court that he's some kind of victim. 

So anyway - lots of legal maneuvering this past week has kept me away from my computer.  It's exhausting trying to wade through the hundreds of pages of legal  documents and respond to all of the allegations, lies, and plain ol' just crazy bullshit that he sends my way.  This last packet was over 100 pages.  My lawyer was able to get all of the documents from the SWAT team and sheriffs dept. from his arrest.  There are emails from his coworkers where they told the HR dept at his place of employment that he was threatening to kill me and himself.  This was sent to them in the first week of September.  On September 13th he brought that gun to my house and threatened to shoot me.   TWO WEEKS he planned it all out, bought the gun etc.  Premeditated - clear as day.

There is no way he can continue to claim that the events of that night were a "sudden, rash lapse of judgement with very little forethought" as he's been claiming in his depositions to family court.  I have witness statements, the receipt for the gun purchased the week before, and a transcript of the negotiators conversations with him where he admits to being a "planner" and explains he waited all week for the chance to do this.

He's an idiot... and when we get to court next year he'll find out exactly how much the court dislikes both liars, as well as abusers.  The kids and I are breathing a HUGE sigh of relief.  For the next 11 months he can just cool his jets and wait for his day in court, and the kids and I? Well we are might busy enjoying this life we've built for ourselves.  So I'm not going to spend any more time than I have to worrying about this... that's what I'm bankrupting myself by paying my lawyer for.  It's her job to deal with all this stuff.  The kids and I plan on enjoying our summer.

Karma baby... she's a lover and a hater both...I'm glad I'm on her good side this time!

Lovers, Liars and Lawyers

Well I've been a busy girl...

As you read in my previous post my Mother's day pretty much sucked ass.  There's no other way to put it.  My kids were...well they were kids. They don't have their own money, they don't drive, and nobody was around to remind them it was Mother's Day.  BLT didn't mean any disrespect, and once he realized my feelings were hurt he felt like a jerk.  He told me that he remembered his mother, and even my mother- but he's never had a girlfriend who was a mother.  He said, "I'm an ass, I didn't even think about you that way and I dropped the ball." Being gone three days prior to Mother's day on a business trip didn't help any.

He offered to take me to dinner and a movie - and I'll cash in when we get paid again in another week.  So in the end no harm, no foul...I'll survive.  Plus he felt so bad we had the most amazing make up sex EVAH! Whoo hoo, I'm talkin' bone melting hot.  Dang that man of mine can turn on the tasty charm when he's motivated!

A couple days later I had an unpleasant surprise.  I was served papers by my X's scummy lawyer. He's hauling me into court demanding shared custody and get this... he wants child support FROM ME!!!  Oh ya, someone is smokin' crack in that camp.  It is a 33 page motion full of lies, excuses, and bullshit.  There is no other way to put it.  Ethel read it all and I swear she nearly gagged on some of the crap he was shoveling.  It's pathetic.

There were ridiculous stipulations about me being cooperative in his efforts to get the kids passports (uhhh... NO you are not taking my kids out of the country Capt. Crazy Pants!) and about me giving up the rights provided in my Restraining Order and providing him with my home address and phone numbers so that he could have access to the kids.  Again I said, "hell to the no...but thanks!"

I was especially fond of the two pages of rambling poor me story line that detailed how he was a victim, and since his release he's bonded with his grandfather over the death of his grandmother, and how their mutual grief and loss of beloved spouses resonates within his soul.  I would like to mention that his grandparents dislike him greatly and I've been assured by my former Father In Law that this is still the case.

So anyway, it's back to court we go.  He - with a box of tissues and a barrel of lies.  Me, armed with 911 tapes, police reports, declarations by family members, friends, therapists, and medical records.  I feel secure in my position that he won't get what he wants.  But I don't have the money to fight the good fight for long so I really hope he doesn't drag this out.  Of that I have no faith at all. 

I do worry about the uber liberal retards in the family court system though.  This state has this moronic statute that basically says that parents have a right be a part of their kids lives as long as there is only a minimal amount of harm caused.  You know, it's okay to mess up your kids... just a little...  as long as it salvages a bad parents rights.  We wouldn't want to trample on that drug dealing, meth head, hooker mom's right to influence her young children now would we?  Or in my X's case - we wouldn't want to get in the way of an irresponsible, absent, half crazy, abusive gun toting a-hole's attempts to emotionally manipulate his children in order to punish his ex-wife would we?  *sigh*

I'm going to have to just admit that I don't have control here. I can prepare the best I can.  I can arm myself with facts and depositions.  I can even bring in specialists and doctors.  But in the end it will be up the judge and I have to have faith that the judge is not going to put my kids lives in danger.  I have to have faith in that or I'll never make it through all this without loosing my mind.

The Lawyer and the Landlord

I hired a new lawyer today.  She's pretty fierce -  kinda scary actually.  She's perfect!  She also understands that I'm broke, and she asked for a micro-scopic retainer.   We've decided that our best course of action at this point is inaction.  We've receive no summons to appear in court - the Order of Protection for the kids is in full effect still, and I have full custody with no change in sight.  We are not going to do a thing.  I don't want anything from him other than to be left alone - so we will wait and see how he proceeds.  Should I be contacted again by his slimy dirt bag lawyer then my council will take over.  Should we receive a summons we will respond accordingly.

I feel good about this tactic.  You see my X makes lots, LOTS of threats and noise... but he only acts on a quarter of what he spews forth.  So there is a good chance that he's doing just that, making noisy threats.  If it becomes more than that then we have a plan of attack and my lawyer knows what my end goals are in regards to the kids.  So I'm totally broke now, all of my meager savings went into the retainer...but it was worth it.  A fresh set of eyes on my case, a solid plan, and someone located closer to home to handle everything.  WHEWWWW is that a load off my mind.

I'm happy to report that the yearly inspection with my landlord was a success.  My rent went up 200.00 since she found out BLT moved in, and honestly she had lowered it for me when I was raising four kids on a single income. That increase is going to be hard on the budget, but there's nothing we can do about it.  So the new lease is signed and we got permission to put raised garden beds in the back yard.  The kids and I are looking forward to getting these in as soon as possible.  I would love to get some fruits and veggies planted, as well as sunflowers and some herbs for cooking.

It's been a good couple of days, but exhausting ones.  I ended up working on Sunday to get caught up on some big orders at work.  I'm ready for a weekend... and it's only Monday!

I need a legal eagle

I'm frustrated, scared, and more than a little on edge this week.  Ever since my X showed up at the kids school two weeks ago, a blatant violation of the restraining order, I've been trying to contact my lawyer.  I've left messages and emailed numerous times and haven't been able to get a hold of her.

The one thing I hate more than anything else is being ignored.  This is the one thing that is sure to raise my anxiety level. When I'm scared and stressed out I need to know what the next step is.  I need to be able to plan, and prepare myself for what's coming up. Obviously I can't do that if she won't communicate with me.

I received a call today from my X's new attorney.  Apparently she has paperwork for me and has been unable to contact my legal council either.  I looked up my X's new attorney online and found out she's been fined and cited by the Bar Association for unethical behavior.  Her website claims that she specializes in domestic violence and custody battles.

Explain to me why he got a lawyer who specializes in DV when he's the one who went to prison for assault?  Never mind, I know the answer.  He threatened all along to sue me for custody, take my kids, and disappear so that I can never see them again.  He's been making lots of noise about getting the kids removed from the TRO (temporary restraining order) because his version of reality is that the only reason he went to jail was because I lied, and he's the real victim.

Oh yes... that six hour stand off with the SWAT team and that loaded shot gun were all just one big misunderstanding.  And me running through the streets naked in the wee hours of the morning?  What was that?  My new exercise plan?

Can you feel my blood pressure rising?  Because it is... My heart is pounding, I'm sweating.  I feel faintly nauseous, and I'm trying hard to keep my cool.  PTSD is a bitch.  I'm going to breath.  I'm going to focus on what I can control this very minute.  I wish it worked better - but it's what I've got to work with.

Well today I finally got an email from my current lawyer.  She's having serious health issues and promised to answer calls and emails when she could.  I decided to let her know that I made an appointment for a consultation with another lawyer.  I explained that my X is claiming that BLT and I are junkies, and that he's trying to get the TRO lifted.

If you knew me you would laugh.  You'll have to believe me when I tell you that I don't smoke, I drink very lightly and only socially.  I'm such a control freak that I chose natural child birth FOUR times instead of filling my body with pain killing drugs.  Anyone who knows me, knows this.  This is just an attempt to mess with me and make my life difficult.  I need someone who is able to deal with this issue right away.... plus my current lawyer's office is a three hour drive from my new house.  It's too hard to spend the entire day in traffic to sign papers or have a meeting.   I'm hoping she understands, because I really do like her and I don't want any hard feelings between us.  She's done so much for the kids and I already... but I have to look out for our best interests and there is an immediate threat to our happiness and safety.

The thing that scares me the most is that I don't know how he could possibly have a leg to stand on - but if this dirty lawyer took his case she must have some reason to think that my X stands a chance of getting either visitation or custody.  The idea is terrifying to be honest, and I'm choosing not to discuss this with the kids right now. All of them have told their therapist that they don't want to see him, and I've told his family this - but they don't care.  It's not about us, or what's best for the kids... it's all about my X and what he wants.

Life just started to settle down for us.  We're happy, we're all healing emotionally, and life has been really good lately.  Now he's going to mess everything up.  His mommy's deep pockets ensure that he has the resources to keep me tied up in court for years while I go bankrupt trying to protect us.  He isn't working, so he has plenty of time to devote to making our lives hell. 

It all feels very threatening and scary right now.  It's times like these that I want to pull the covers over my head and eat my way into a chocolate coma.  It's just my luck that I chose last weekend to join Weight Watchers with Ethel so that I can get the 20 lbs off I packed on during my divorce.  Isn't that just Murphy's Law?

Even when you win you lose

At least that's how it felt today. It's still a little too raw to go into all the details, but I'll hit on the high and low lights of the day.

1. I found out his mother and the X both wrote declarations to the court. In the X's he called the kids liars. Nicely legally worded of course, but the gist of it is that the man called his children liars. He claimed that he never said anything inappropriate to the children and never discussed suicide with them.

I questioned both of them again and they both gave me the same basic details, but in their own words. My 11 year old cries every time we discuss it, she can't fake this level of grief and fear. I'm their mother, I know their heart, I know when they lie.... they are telling the truth and that rat bastard perjured himself to make himself look better.

2. In an attempt to ambush me and make me feel weak his Mother, Father (who up until this moment has been totally uninvolved so why show up now?) and his Step Father all showed up en masse in court to object on his behalf. They have ZERO legal say in this and were told flat out that they don't have to like it, it's going to happen anyway.

My mother and Bestie, Ethel , ran into his Mommy Dearest in the ladies room and gave me advanced warning so I wasn't taken by surprise. No words were shared between us and I kept my back to them the entire time. There is no chance for any kind of decent relationship between us now... I've tried too many times to keep the peace and have had them shit all over me time and time again. I'm not putting myself or the kids through that anymore. They picked a side. They want to excuse the X's psychotic behavior, want to call myself and my children liars, and want to support his delusions and finance his crazy attempts to have access to the kids he's damaged so much.

3. So I "won" in that the restraining order was granted and all letters will go to the kids therapist who will decide when/and if it's ever in their best interest to have them. But I had to question my kids honesty to be sure (I hate that I had to do that, I had no doubts but I wanted to cover all bases)

The judge said, "it only makes sense that the restraining order stays in effect until he can get out of jail and all the appropriate steps are taken to follow the parenting plan."

But you know what? I still feel like a loser. I feel like the kids have lost out more than anyone else. A crazy father, grandparents who call you a liar and don't care about your safety, a truck load of emotional and trust issues, and their sense of security.

Back to Court

Thursday (tomorrow) I'll be back in court asking the judge to remove the X's rights to send the kids further letters, and to extend their order of protection for another year.

The children have discussed the letters with their therapist, and all on their own decided that they don't wish to receive any further correspondence from him. I did not make any attempt to influence their decision in any way and I excused myself from the room while they discussed it with the Dr. so that they could be totally honest and not worried about my feelings or opinions.

The two older kids came home and wrote letters for the judge- reading their words broke my heart in a way I didn't think was possible. I thought I had cried all my tears and raged all that I could. I was quite wrong.

I'm so very angry, and sad, and confused. How can anyone do this to someone they love - much less their own children? How is it possible to be so selfish? In my oldest child's letter I learn something new. Apparently their father told them that everyone had to choose sides. That Ethel and Fred chose my side - and all daddy's friends and co-workers chose his side, and that they too had to choose sides. Who does that to a child? How do you rationalize to yourself that it's okay to make a child choose between their parents?

It's one more episode of him having no appropriate boundaries, no common sense, and no sense of decency where they are concerned. The momma bear in me wants to gather them up and protect them at all costs - but there are laws and procedures that have to be followed, and some things are not within my control. That kills me inside a little.

So, if you're inclined to prayer, positive thoughts, or good mojo then please keep us in mind. There's no way I'll sleep tonight. I'm just trying not to become overcome with panic, anger and grief right now.

Watching things crumble

You know what it's like when you drive past a car accident and you just HAVE to look? How you know it will upset you, but you can't pull your eyes away?

That's kind of what it feels like watching Fred and Ethel struggle through their marital issues and now a trial separation. Since Ethel is my bestest of best friends, my soul sister no less, I am participating on a peripheral level. I love them both like family and it hurts to see them hurting each other.

Well... let's be honest people. Fred is the major issue here, he says he wants his wife - but he can't stop participating in inappropriate behaviors with other women. There have been lies, and half truths for years, as well as a total refusal to get to therapy and do the work it takes to rebuild the lost trust.

I wish I had the words to ease their pain. I wish I was smarter, or more relationship savvy - but the truth is I failed at making my own marriage work. I have no business giving anyone else advice, except to say that you can find happiness after divorce. That I do know.

Speaking of things crumbling - on a personal note, I get to be hauled back into court by the X. At the last minute my lawyer received an email from the most expensive divorce lawyer in town. He's now representing the X (AGAIN) and they filed for an extension until November for the judge to hear my request to continue the restraining order against the X for my children. They apparently are preparing their "rebuttal arguments" and need more time.

So once again my character will be drug through the mud and I need to prove that I'm a good mother, and that he is a dangerous and obsessed man who has refused all form of counseling while in prison for trying to shoot me.

When and how did this become my life? Please someone tell me that there are good marriages still out there.

Some days it's just too much to handle.

The past couple of days have been rough. To be honest, the past week has been hell. With the 13th being the one year Anniversary of the crime I've been very edgy. September 10th would have been my 16th wedding anniversary as well, and while I didn't actively think about that...something had been nagging at me the whole day. Like some important that I forgot, and about two o'clock in the afternoon I looked hard at the calender for a bit and realized what it was.

Last week I finally got into contact with my lawyer in regards to extending the no contact order for my kids. I was told that it would take about a week but that she would get the paperwork to me. A week passed without any word from her. Over the next three days I called, emailed, and left several messages. She never called or emailed me back. The expiration date is quickly approaching, and I'm starting to get very anxious. I told my lawyer this several times and it didn't seem to speed the process up or encourage her to contact me in any way.

Friday I just lost it. My mother and BLT were telling me to calm down, that it was no big deal, that it would all work itself out and blah blah blah... It was just all too much. The stress, the anxiety about the no contact order expiring, and feeling ignored just built up inside my head. I snapped. I told them both that they have no right to tell me how to feel. That once they've been at the other end of a rifle, and found out that the person who tried to shoot them told their children in graphic detail how to kill themselves if he didn't come home - and that same person wants contact with your children - well once they've experienced that THEN they can tell me how I should feel.

And you know what? I still feel that way. Everyone thinks that a year passed and like magic all the fear, anxiety, stress, pain (mental and physical) and trauma should just disappear. Maybe they are right, but I feel VERY alone. Nobody knows what this is like. Nobody else has had to deal with the near daily bullshit that I do. DSHS, Restraining Orders, Collection Agents, Crazy In Laws, Lawyers - on top of the day to day stress of work and parenting. I feel bombarded, and I usually deal with it fairly well - but please, for the love of God, DO NOT TELL ME HOW I SHOULD FEEL!

Don't tell me to calm down when I'm upset over the fact that a crazy man wants access to my children. Do not tell me that it'll all work out, because my history has proven to me, without a doubt, that it doesn't. It doesn't just all work out like rainbows and butterflies, and God-damned unicorns and magic. Life doesn't work like that. It's messy, and sad, and dirty, and unfair. That's the reality of my world.

I finally decided to bypass my lawyer all together and contact the prosecutor's office. I was directed to the department where my request for an extension would be filed, only to find out that it's pretty much too late. You have to file your request with the court in enough time for a court date to be appointed so your motion can be heard. That process takes 2 - 4 weeks. If my protection order for the kids expires I'll have to start from scratch and hope that a judge will put a new one into place - and since he's in jail there is no immediate threat (except he wants to talk to, and have the kids visit him in jail which I'm 100% against. Also if they aren't not on a no contact order he can petition for information on their whereabouts... school, home address etc. Something he's been trying to do this whole time. He finds them, and then he knows how to find me.) so I was told it's not likely that would happen... an extension is easier to get however. I guess they figure if you're really all that afraid then you'll take care of it when you're supposed to.

So basically - my lawyer dropped the ball and now the kids and I are screwed. I'm going to file the papers anyway, on my own, and pray. It's all I can do.

To top all this stress and drama off in a royal fashion, my father (who is my boss) got all pissed off and yelled at me. He told me to keep my personal "shit" out of the office. Fine... thanks for all the support dad. Sorry my life falling apart is inconvenient for you.

So I spent the day crying. I couldn't sleep last night - and of course my kids woke me up at six thirty this morning, after only 3 hours of sleep. I feel like shit. I'm stressed out beyond belief. I feel alone, and sad, and ganged up upon by my family and BLT as well.

I KNOW they're tired of dealing with all this on a peripheral level. I get it. For craps sake, I'm sick of dealing with it directly - but I don't have a choice. This is what my life has become. Dealing with one disaster after another. Financial, emotional, physical, maternal, domestic... around every corner is some new craptastic mess for me to clean up.

I just can't handle it anymore...I think I'm starting to crack. I can't stop crying.