Long Time No Post, GAL Meeting, and Catch Up

I think I was hiding for a little while there.  I've been a bit more stressed out than normal and I kind of crawled into a little hole and hid for a week or two.  Buuuuuut.... I'm back and feeling all chipper  not entirely insane so I figured I would blog a little and work out some of the random crap floating around in my semi full noggin.

I do have to confess that I injured poor Ethel.  Last Monday I slammed the car door on her hand and busted open her finger.  It bleed EVERYWHERE.  I have no idea why she puts up with me, I swear.  Poor girl! Go ahead, I deserve a small amount of verbal flogging for being a klutz!

Also last week I  met with our GAL - I shall call her Dr. Britt.  Not because she's British mind you, but because it sort of relates to her name and she is a Dr of the PhD variety...and I just kinda dig it.  So Dr. Britt and I get together via phone the final week in October.  I had sent in 1/2 of the required payment to her and hadn't heard anything, so I called and introduced myself.  We had a short, but pleasant conversation and she forwarded some paperwork onto me by email.  I filled in out within 24 hours and emailed it back to her.  I followed up a few days later with an email letting her know when to expect the final half of the payment.  Shortly there after my X's evil lawyer calls and accuses me of standing in the way of the reunification process and actually said, "My client has behaved PERFECTLY and your client is obstructing his attempts at establishing visitation by refusing to work with the GAL.  She better get into compliance immediately or... insert random scary legal threats here"  So my lawyer contacted Dr. Britt and asked if I had been in contact and where we were in the process.  Dr. Britt replied via email that at that time I was the only one she had heard from, I was the only one who had completed my parenting worksheet, and I was the only one who had paid.  SO SUCK THAT YOU "PERFECTLY BEHAVED" JACK WAGON!  grrrr... sorry for the anger there, but jeez I hate being accused of standing in the way or being somehow responsible for his failures.  I don't need to stand in his way - he does a good enough job of screwing up on all his crazy own!

Well last week it was time for our face-to-face meeting.  It was nice to hear before hand that Dr. Britt realized this wasn't about me at all, and that interviewing me and meeting with the kids was just a formality - and that her primary job is to establish what my X's mental condition is currently and what kind of therapy, DV treatment, and possible parenting classes he will have to submit to prior to establishing some kind of reunification plan and monitored visitation set up.   So we met for two hours and discussed my history with my ex, our current living situation and  how the kids are doing.  We talked a bit about my plans for the future, and what I would need to see from the X in order to feel safe.  It was a really good meeting.  It felt amazing to hear her say that she thinks I'm a good mom, and that I'm doing a good job. 

Lots of stuff going on this week as well.  I'm heading to court on Thursday to try and get the kid's Restraining Order renewed against the X.  He is, of course, fighting it - so there have been legal shenanigans a plenty from his camp.  That's a whole post all on it's own.  The amount of absolute bull crap being flung over the fence from Capt. Crazy and his team of Legal Hooligans is freaking amazing.  Blatant, and bold lies even when we've presented the court with proof otherwise - and he clings to those crazy stories for all he's worth.  It's just laughable to some extent - but scary too.  I think he actually believes his own lies.  He's convinced himself really and truly that he's some kind of victim of the system and an evil ex wife who masterfully has manipulated police, judges, lawyers, therapists, and the family court system to screw him over.   None of this guarantees that I'll get my motion passed and get a 3rd restraining order though - so I'm trying not to focus on the "what if" scenarios too much or I'll devolve into a blubbering pile of anxiety and stress. 

This week is also my birthday.  I'm somewhere past 35 now and not yet 40.  It's pretty hideous actually, and I plan on ignoring the day as much as possible.  Although my wonderful parents did bless me with the gift of a shiny new 12 quart, restaurant quality stock pot.  I'm stoked to make some home made chili or maybe chicken and dumplings for everyone soon!

Also this week are four parent/teacher conferences, and lots of kid "stuff" going on. I think I need a vacation people!

Fool me once...

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.  Isn't that how the saying goes?  I have nobody to blame for my current predicament except myself.  See, someone I trusted lied to me. They had the best of intentions at the time, and I would like to think they honestly believed what they were saying... but when push came to shove they caved under pressure and sided with my X instead of doing what is right and standing firm. And by going back on their word to me they've put my kids in danger.

I should have known better.  This person did this once before. They laid out an edict that said, "I don't support him, I won't let him live in my house unless he does X, Y, and Z... etc and so forth." But when the time came they didn't keep their word.  They caved...  standing firm was too hard in the face of my ex and all my former in laws (and their money).

Knowing this I let this person back into my life... I listened to their promises.  I believed them. I shared and was honest and vulnerable with them, and I made declarations to the court in a legally binding statement because of the information this person gave me... and now I look like a liar.  I look like a fool.  I look like the kind of person that makes up things.  I look like a flake.

I am hurt and I feel betrayed, not only by this person - but by myself as well.  I didn't listen to my little inner voice that was shouting "don't trust... don't believe."  I'm very scared of going to court tomorrow.  I haven't seen my ex since that night when he brought the gun to my house. I'm afraid of what's going to happen.  I'm afraid if things don't go our way that my girls will feel like I let them down. I feel like we've lost another member of our family to this disaster - because, no matter what the outcome is I'll never be able to trust this person again.  I'll never let them close to us again.  There's too much at stake.

And worse of all... I feel like my kids are in danger.  If my X has half a chance I absolutely believe that he'll make good on his threats to steal my children in order to punish me.

We will be in court at 1:30.  If you're so inclined, say a little prayer for my children and their safety and let the judge see all the lies and excuses for what they are.

I don't know how to get rid of all this anger.

Every time I read that vignette my Chef wrote I actually see red.  I've stopped crying every time I read it - but this intense anger is almost over powering.  I don't know what to do with all this hate.  I don't know how to get past this one. I've worked so hard to get through the fear and anger over what my X did to the kids and I when he brought that gun to my house....  this is different though.  This feels so much more intense.

I knew in my head that my kids had been damaged by what my X did. But reading those words, written in Chef's own voice is physically painful.  My throat starts to close up, and I actually feel my blood pressure rising.  It just brought home, on such an elemental level, what she's been through.

It's almost like I could get over what was done to me... but what he's done to my kids is so much worse.  I don't know how to let this go.

I need a legal eagle

I'm frustrated, scared, and more than a little on edge this week.  Ever since my X showed up at the kids school two weeks ago, a blatant violation of the restraining order, I've been trying to contact my lawyer.  I've left messages and emailed numerous times and haven't been able to get a hold of her.

The one thing I hate more than anything else is being ignored.  This is the one thing that is sure to raise my anxiety level. When I'm scared and stressed out I need to know what the next step is.  I need to be able to plan, and prepare myself for what's coming up. Obviously I can't do that if she won't communicate with me.

I received a call today from my X's new attorney.  Apparently she has paperwork for me and has been unable to contact my legal council either.  I looked up my X's new attorney online and found out she's been fined and cited by the Bar Association for unethical behavior.  Her website claims that she specializes in domestic violence and custody battles.

Explain to me why he got a lawyer who specializes in DV when he's the one who went to prison for assault?  Never mind, I know the answer.  He threatened all along to sue me for custody, take my kids, and disappear so that I can never see them again.  He's been making lots of noise about getting the kids removed from the TRO (temporary restraining order) because his version of reality is that the only reason he went to jail was because I lied, and he's the real victim.

Oh yes... that six hour stand off with the SWAT team and that loaded shot gun were all just one big misunderstanding.  And me running through the streets naked in the wee hours of the morning?  What was that?  My new exercise plan?

Can you feel my blood pressure rising?  Because it is... My heart is pounding, I'm sweating.  I feel faintly nauseous, and I'm trying hard to keep my cool.  PTSD is a bitch.  I'm going to breath.  I'm going to focus on what I can control this very minute.  I wish it worked better - but it's what I've got to work with.

Well today I finally got an email from my current lawyer.  She's having serious health issues and promised to answer calls and emails when she could.  I decided to let her know that I made an appointment for a consultation with another lawyer.  I explained that my X is claiming that BLT and I are junkies, and that he's trying to get the TRO lifted.

If you knew me you would laugh.  You'll have to believe me when I tell you that I don't smoke, I drink very lightly and only socially.  I'm such a control freak that I chose natural child birth FOUR times instead of filling my body with pain killing drugs.  Anyone who knows me, knows this.  This is just an attempt to mess with me and make my life difficult.  I need someone who is able to deal with this issue right away.... plus my current lawyer's office is a three hour drive from my new house.  It's too hard to spend the entire day in traffic to sign papers or have a meeting.   I'm hoping she understands, because I really do like her and I don't want any hard feelings between us.  She's done so much for the kids and I already... but I have to look out for our best interests and there is an immediate threat to our happiness and safety.

The thing that scares me the most is that I don't know how he could possibly have a leg to stand on - but if this dirty lawyer took his case she must have some reason to think that my X stands a chance of getting either visitation or custody.  The idea is terrifying to be honest, and I'm choosing not to discuss this with the kids right now. All of them have told their therapist that they don't want to see him, and I've told his family this - but they don't care.  It's not about us, or what's best for the kids... it's all about my X and what he wants.

Life just started to settle down for us.  We're happy, we're all healing emotionally, and life has been really good lately.  Now he's going to mess everything up.  His mommy's deep pockets ensure that he has the resources to keep me tied up in court for years while I go bankrupt trying to protect us.  He isn't working, so he has plenty of time to devote to making our lives hell. 

It all feels very threatening and scary right now.  It's times like these that I want to pull the covers over my head and eat my way into a chocolate coma.  It's just my luck that I chose last weekend to join Weight Watchers with Ethel so that I can get the 20 lbs off I packed on during my divorce.  Isn't that just Murphy's Law?

Let the dance begin...

I knew in my heart that it was only a matter of time before my X violated the restraining order that was issued for my children and I. I just hoped that going to prison was enough of a deterant to delay the inevitable for awhile. That was wishful thinking on my part.

You see my X is a narcissist, he believes he's the smartest man in the room, and he's usually right. But his downfall is that he has no people skills. He is anti-social and conceited. He doesn't feel as though he did anything wrong, so the rules don't apply to him. Only that conceit makes him predictable, and his total lack of interpersonal skills makes it hard for him to predict others behavior. He assumes people will do what he wants, or give him what he thinks he is owed, and when that doesn't happen he doesn't adjust his plans accordingly, he just can't.

That's how he ended up in prison. He never imagined I would stand up to him and call the police. He assumed I would roll over and beg for my life when I saw the gun. He didn't think I would run.

Well my therapist called it when she gave him 30 days before he violated the restraining order. Friday, 26 days after his release he was seen by two separate witnesses at my kid's school. The police were called. The school went into lock down, and a search was made of the entire town. Only they couldn't find him so they can't to a thing about it. It's frustrating, they have to catch him in the act or they can't send him back to jail.

So here we go again. I've heard this music before, and I've done this sick little dance with him. It starts with the phone calls, Check. Then it's coming around where he's not supposed to, Check. Next will be the cyber stalking or following us around. He can't help himself.

And so the dance begins until he messes up and gets caught. Or until he shows up at my house again with a gun. Only this time I'm not running. This time I'm prepared and capable of defending myself. Either way this ends, it won't be good for any of us. Any way this plays out my kids suffer. They don't have their father in thier life.  They don't get any child support and financially things are hard for us. Worse case sceanario has me shooting the idiot when he shows up at my house in order to defend us. It kills me knowing that the lesser of two evils is my only option when dealing with my X, because there is no good outcome possible.  He's put this in motion by not getting counseling, by not working, and by defying the judges orders and coming near us.

I'm just so frustrated and angry about all of this I can hardly talk about it without having a massive headache or anxiety attack. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I honestly wish he would just do what he's supposed to do and leave us alone, get a job, pay his child support, and for one nano-second take into consideration what is in their best interest.

It's just a piece of paper.

I am acutely aware that the restraining order against my X is nothing more than a piece of paper. My X was released from prison on the 6th of March. Starting on the 9th I began receiving calls at work where someone just breaths on the other end. No speaking, no other noises. In less than a month I have received 10 of these calls.

Last night I received the same kind of call on my cell phone. That number is unlisted. I just changed carriers and got a new number a few days before his release. How did he get my number?

Why won't he leave me alone? I can't go through this again. I know it's him, and it's a viation of my restraining order, but he's smart enough to use a blocked or unavailable number. I can't prove it, so there is nothing I can do except sleep with my .38 under my pillow and pray to God that tormenting me via the phone gives him a big enough thrill that he doesn't come looking for me or my kids.

I have a sinking feeling thatvthis is the beginning of something very bad.

11 days

I heard today that unless my X blows a fuse and does something stupid he'll be released from prison on March 6th.

11 days from now the man I'm terrified of will be free and clear.  No parole.  No monitoring.  Complete freedom.

I'm trying really hard to keep it together.  I don't want BLT or the kids to see me lose it, so I keep it all inside.  I'm afraid if I give into my fear it will take over and I won't be able to pull myself out of it.  I'm not taking any anxiety meds or anything like that.   I'm not a generally anxious person....I'm a person with a very specific fear.

The nightmares have started again - but BLT is always there to pull me close and help sooth me back to sleep.  I have to have faith that he'll be there with me while I go through all of this.

Ethel told me today that Fred was able to obtain a couple photos of my X for me to give to the kids' schools and day care center.  The idea of seeing a picture was enough to start a panic attack.  I haven't laid eyes on him since that night 19 months ago.  I'm really afraid to, to be honest.  I'm afraid to look at those photos.  Does that make me weak?

I don't want to be weak.  I want to be strong and fearless. I want to be brave for my girls.  I'm not running away.  I'm not hiding in my bed.  But I feel anything but fearless these days.

I guess I AM that kind of girl....

Several years ago, had you asked me to describe myself I would have told you that I'm rather unfeminine. I would have told you I don't cry...ever.  I cried at my grandma's funeral, and then went about 8 years without shedding a tear.  I would have told you I don't participate in public displays of affection, and that I detest pet names. I would have told you that I hate to snuggle.  I would have made it very clear that I have no use for displays of excess emotion and I really don't know how to deal with them.

Fast forward three years....go through an affair and a separation.  Get a job for the first time in 12 years.  Survived having your ex husband try to kill you.  Become nearly homeless if it weren't for the love and support of dear family and friends.  Spend some time falling in love for the first time in your life. Spend some time being a single parent of four young children.  Have your home foreclosed on and your credit destroyed. There is no way I could be the same person after all of that.

It hit me like lightening the other day.  BLT asked me a question, "Hey babe can we..." and I replied, "of course my love."  HUH?  Pet names? Me?  I AM that girl now.  I am so very fundamentally different in my own eyes from the person I was a few years ago. I'm softer in a way.  The thing I look forward to most is crawling into my bed at night and being held by him.  We're always looking for moments to snatch a kiss or a cuddle. We walk hand in hand, we talk about our feelings and our dreams for the future. 

I've cried more tears in the year and a half since my Ex brought that gun to my house than I've cried in my entire previous 30 odd years on this planet.  I feel things very deeply now, and I know that part of that is the PTSD, the fear, and the resulting the frustration and the helplessness that this situation brought about. Part of it is feeling safe, and cherished though too.  I don't carry around this weighty judgement and ridicule on my back  any longer.  I don't feel like I HAVE to be tough to get respect. I KNOW I'm respected.

It just hit me all at once that maybe I've always been this kind of woman...I just wasn't with the right kind of man who could bring out this softer side.  Maybe it wasn't ME at all, but instead it was him, or at the very least the dynamic between us that made me so much less affectionate and emotional when I was married to my Ex.

I used to think people didn't change... and maybe our core values and personality traits don't.  But I'm starting to believe that the people we surround ourselves with and the people we build a life with have a much greater impact on who we are and how we behave than I ever realized.

75 days

In 75 days my more than slightly psychotic ex-husband will be released from jail.  No parole, no monitored group home, no restrictions on his behavior other than the restraining orders in place for the kids and I.

As of September he was still talking like a crazy, bitter, angry man.   He was still blaming me for his decision to try and shoot me.

He was promising to get back "everything that was taken from him" and claiming to be thinking about me every hour of every day.... delightful... just what you want to hear when someone has gone to jail for stalking you, trying to shoot you, and then having you followed while he was in prison. 

I'm doing everything I can to control my fear, and my anxiety.  Some days I'm successful, some days I'm horribly, pathetically incapable of keeping the fear under control.  I don't like that he has the ability to frighten me.  I don't like that I'm not strong enough to live my life without anxiety attacks and psycho therapy.  I don't like any of this.

I'm glad Ethel moved while he was a guest of the state - at least he can't find her and her family in an effort to find me.  Not that he won't find me...I'm sure his Drama Momma has already told him what town we are in, and he'll just hire another detective to find me.  In this day and age it's nearly impossible to hide - I accept that.

I just have to hope his desire to remain out of jail is stronger than his desire to punish me, but hope is a fragile thing that brings me very little comfort of sense of security these days.

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

I'm reading this book as a part of my therapy.   In all honesty I started out doubting that this book really applied to me.  You see I knew my X was mean to me. I recognized that he treated me very disrespectfully- but he didn't hit me.  I didn't identify myself as a "victim" or an "abused woman".

Part of what I'm struggling with, emotionally, is that I feel this need to prove myself right or correct.  I give detailed accounts and suffer a great deal of anxiety when I feel like people don't believe me - or if my version of events is questioned.  I can't figure out why its so important for me, why I have a desperate need to be approved of and believed.... my Dr. believes it's a long standing issue developed from having to constantly stand my ground with my X and argue my worth in an effort to gain respect - which I never managed to achieve. 

It's becoming clearer to me that manipulation and mental abuse is just as dangerous to a person's well being as physical abuse.  If you suffer a bruise or a broken bone there are people all over the place who will encourage you to leave him - to offer support and assistance. When your abuser uses words, intimidation, financial pressures, and disrespect it's easily hidden and many will tell you to "work it out for the sake of the kids" or if he's truly manipulative he'll seem friendly and generous of spirit to those outside of his marriage and they simply won't believe he's capable of being abusive.

How many women hear "He's such a good father, you're so lucky" as though that's an excuse to bully, disrespect, and hurt you behind doors.  One of the chapters in this book deals with the "good father" who is abusive to his wife - and how many of us will overlook our own hardships for the sake of our kids.... but it's all a big lie.  Because a good father treats his wife with respect at all times. A good father is a partner and a supporter to showcase to his children how they should expect to be treated in their adult relationships.  Plus, kids see and know more than we give them credit for. They wake up hearing angry voices at night, or catch glimpses of tears when we don't know they're looking.  My X left my girls with a horrible example of how a man treats his children and his wife.  All I can hope is that I do better by them in the future and I find a masculine roll model that shows them love, respect, patience, and strength at ALL times, not just when life is easy and there isn't any kind of stress or conflict.

I think BLT is that kind of man.  All of the warning signs identified in this book are exact opposites of his daily behavior and choices.  He's kind above all - even when other's aren't looking.  He's mature, respectful, patient, generous with time and open to laugh - even at himself.   He accepts responsibility for his actions and apologizes if he's in the wrong.

My goal is to identify how my behavior changed over the years in response to mental and emotional abuse, and then figure out WHY I do the things I do so that I don't repeat the mistakes I've made in the past.  I think a large part of it is simply accepting that I was in fact mistreated, and then accepting my own value so that I don't allow myself to treated this way again.

Now if it were just that simple... but I'm trying. I'm growing.  I'm learning.

Two sides to every story...

One of the things I'm working on in therapy is remembering that there are two sides to every story. There are multiple viewpoints. There are past experiences and relationships that influence people's decisions.

It's not easy, because everything from "them" feels like an attack. Everything feel like there are ulterior motives. It's hard to be open minded.

I'm trying... for my kids sake. Not in regards to the X - he's dog meat as far as I'm concerned and crazy dog meat at that. I'm talking about the family - cousins, sister in law, friends etc. I'm trying to be open to hearing their side of things - but it's hard.

Just having these conversations makes me extreamly anxious.

Controling the Anxiety, Standing Up For Myself, and Not Making Plans

I've had several pretty massive panic attacks lately. I've also had several smaller, more easily controlled bouts of anxiety as well. I'm working on removing the things from my life that cause those anxious feelings, and dealing with the ones that I can't remove. What causes me the most stress is finding myself in situations where I don't have control, especially in regards to my former husband's family. I don't know what information they are funnelling to him and/or his bulldog lawyers. I can't handle having them minimize my feelings or what the kids are going through. Dealing with them at all is a huge trigger for me.


To this end I sent my former father in a law an email that told him, in no uncertain terms, that his contact with my children is limited to written communication or cards/gifts sent by mail. Their therapist and I both agree that the children should only have limited contact with any of my X's family members that are actively excusing his behavior and who are not expecting him to take responsibility for the damage he's done. The former FIL has only seen the kids 2 times in the past year and a half, and never once called me to find out if they were okay. Even when we were only 1 step up from being homeless. If it weren't for Ethel and my parents we would have had to live in my car - but that man lives in a 5000 square foot house with at least 4 bedrooms. Were it my grand-kids I wouldn't care how much I disliked my former daughter/son in law and I would suck it up and offer them a place to live.


As for standing up for myself, well my former mother in law called work and left a message for me. She wants to know if she gets to see Monkey Pants this week for her birthday. She also wanted to know what the plan was for Christmas. I stood my ground. I called her home and left a message on her machine. I told her that I wasn't ready to see her, and that if she wished to she may mail her gift to Monkey Pants and I would ensure that she gets it on her birthday. I told her that I was not ready to decide about Christmas yet, and that I would let her know. I did inform her that the children would not be attending the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and gift orgy at the Great-Grandparents house. (I heard the horrible and hateful things they said about my former father in law when he divorced the X's mother years ago... and right in front of my X and I. I won't have my girls subjected to that kind of poison) I also informed her that if I do agree to meet with them it will be at a restaurant or neutral location. I do not wish to be in their home.


I didn't tell them why, they don't need to know that it makes me feel very vulnerable. I have no control in their environment. I don't want them to know where I live, so they obviously can't come here to my home. So for now, I'm going to refuse to make plans. I'm going to play things by ear and see how I'm feeling closer to Christmas.


Whenever I start to feel anxious, I just keep hearing Ethel's voice in my head, "what can you control right now? Breath deeply and slowly and focus on the things within your control. You've got this, you're not alone."


Whewww... I've got this. I'm not alone.

Needing to feel safe.

Feeling safe is something you take for granted until that sense of security is taken away. The main reason I keep my name, home town, and my children's names anonymous is to have a sense of security. I don't share photos of what we look like or our home because, God forbid my X ever finds this blog I don't want to give too many clues as to our location.


That being said, I realize that at any point he can find me if he really wants to. Between the Internet and private detectives (which he had following me on at least one occasion I have proof of, and one more I'm sure of but have no evidence to substantiate my suspicions) Well I know there's no way that I'll ever be totally safe.


I've taken the steps to keep myself and the girls safe. My rental is set up for an Alarm system, I just have to call and have it set it. I've received my concealed carry permit, taken my shooting lessons faithfully and I feel confident that if I HAD to I could defend us. Very soon I'll be changing all my phone numbers - home, cell, kid's cell numbers. The police and schools have our new restraining orders. And lastly I've broken off contact with my former in-laws for now.


I'm not proud of the explosive way I blew up on the phone, but it's like all the anger, fear, pain, resentment, and maternal outrage just burst out of me all at once. Once I started I couldn't hold back, and everything I've wanted to say for over a year came out in a loud, ugly tirade. While I might not be proud of my behavior I do recognize that it's an important break for all of us. I can't handle the anxiety of dealing with my in-laws, AND with the X's upcoming release from Prison.


One of the things I love, love, love about my BLT is that I feel so safe when we're together. When he holds me and plays with my hair I feel like nothing could hurt the girls or I. When he says that he would move heaven and earth to keep us safe I believe him. I just hope it never comes to that.


The best gift in the world would be my X deciding he never wanted anything to do with me again. Since it's been over a year and per his last letter my kids he is still thinking about me every hour of every day - well I don't have a lot of faith in his self control or common sense.


I know that my anxiety will increase until the X is released from prison. I know that no matter what I do I'm going to have to keep working on controlling my stress responses, to keep talking and working through my fear. I owe it to myself, to my kids, and to BLT as well. I don't want to let my fears push him away when I need him the most.

I have my first counseling appt. tomorrow

I wont go so far as to say that I'm dreading my appointment tomorrow, but in no way could I say that I'm looking forward to it. I'm not really good at expressing my feelings, especially in the company of strangers... at least not when I have to look at them. Talking about my fears, and revealing my insecurities to someone else makes me distinctly uncomfortable. I guess that's why I like blogging so much. It's fairly anonymous, and I don't have to look anyone in the eye or deal with uncomfortable stretches of silence.

On some level I feel silly that I can't deal with this on my own. It's not like I was beaten up on a daily basis, or chained to a wall and starved of human companionship. My counselor specializes in PTSD related to domestic violence - and I'm sure she is used to dealing with cases of women who have been truly, horrifically abused by their spouses. What I had was a single episode, and as traumatic as it was it was a single day... a moment in time. I feel weak for not being able to get over it and move on with my life.

What's odd is that I would never judge anyone else for getting counseling if they felt they needed it - and yet I'm embarrassed to be going myself. I don't want to tell anyone outside of my immediate family. I feel as though I'll be judged and found lacking, or that somehow I'll disappoint someone.

I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow night.

It's better to be over cautious...

After being up all night thinking, and consulting my lawyer, my family, and my most trusted friend Ethel I decided to petition the court to remove the X's right to send the children letters. I don't want him to have any further access to the children until he has proven to the courts that he's no longer a danger to my kids, or to myself.


I think Bikinfool is very correct when he says that it's better to be over careful at this point. And Ethel has said many times that he no longer deserves the benefit of the doubt. Quite honestly I just can't take the added stress. Getting letters like that with thinly veiled threats raises my stress level to nearly unmanageable heights. I didn't sleep last night. I don't need anything else keeping me awake, giving me nightmares, or causing me anxiety.


This will likely cause WW III with the former in-laws. I would love to say I don't care, but God help me I'm a pacifier. I don't want people to be upset. I don't want people to be disappointed in me. It's sick, I know... but I can't help worrying that I'm going to make it worse by trying to protect my children. Seriously though, I think that his mother should be more concerned with the fact that the only people who've read those words and haven't found them threatening were the man in jail for trying to shoot me, and herself. I think this is a clear implication that she needs to get some counseling herself and get some perspective.


I haven't talked to BLT about this. Actually I haven't talked to him at all today, and I don't like to burden him while he's out of town on business anyway. This decision is mine alone, and I'm sure that there will be negative fall out, but I have to do whatever is within my power to protect my children.

I don't know if the court will approve my request. All I can do is petition the court and wait for my chance to speak on my children's behalf. As of yet I am still waiting to hear about the possible extension on the Restraining Order that expires this next week. I'm hoping there is some resolution one way or another. All this waiting makes me anxious.

PTSD and My Mommy Made Me Do It...

Some of you, my dear readers and friends have mentioned that I might be suffering from some type of PTSD.

My most disruptive symptoms are: Nightmares, Frequent upsetting memories, Strong feelings of distress when reminded of the event, Irregular / fast heart rate, shaking and sweating when recalling details of the event, Difficulty falling and staying asleep, Having outbursts of anger at inappropriate times, Crying out of the blue at random times, Being hyper-focused on "fixing" things or on issues related to the court case/divorce/event, and Feelings of being totally alone and that nobody really understands what I'm going through.

Several of these are listed as classic symptoms of PTSD.

As the X's release date inches closer the children and I are all having a harder and harder time dealing with what happened and all of the changes we've had to go through since. I found a way for the kids to get free or at the least very low cost mental health counseling. Their first appointment isn't until the first week of October, but at least we are on the books and they'll be able to work through some of their fear and issues before his release if they can fit them in a few times before March.

After my break down on Friday my parents have decided...okay, my MOTHER has decided that I too need some kind of counseling. I personally think I've done very well. This was only my second real break down in a year, and the first one was actually during our separation, before he came to my house with a gun to shoot me.

My mother thinks all this "keeping it together" is really just me internalizing and trying to bury all the fear and memories of what happened. She's afraid at some point I'm going to just crack and really lose it. She called a victims advocacy group and figured out a way for me to start seeing a counselor as well. My first four visits are free, and then the advocacy group with pay 80% of the cost after that so that I can continue to get help (if need be) up until the time of his release. There is a free support group meeting each week after his release that I may or may not qualify for, to be determined by the Dr. after we have a few sessions.

I'm really not comfortable with this. I don't want to discuss it anymore. In a way I just want to forget that it even happened, but I can't. Every day there is some new disaster to deal with; lawyers - restraining orders - bill collectors - the kids fears. Something that brings it all back up over and over.

I really feel like being able to post my thoughts and fears here, in a fairly anonymous way is helping more than anything else. Just having a place to vent my frustrations relieves more pressure than anything else. It's MUCH harder and scarier to share my feelings, my guilt, my worries, and my fears aloud to someone else.