So how much suffering is enough for YOU? A letter to the former Mother In Law.

Okay, I sat on this post long enough... I wrote it out several weeks ago, heck maybe even a month ago.  Then I let it sit, and stew and brew around here in my head.  See I thought that perhaps it was written too hastily.  Perhaps it was one of those heat-of-the-moment type things that would pass and I would get over it.

But alas... no.  Recently I have had a run in the former Mother In Law (known as the Drama Momma around here)  see Drama Momma is your classic female narcissist.  Everything is about her.  Her feelings.  The work she does, the ways she suffers.  That line from the movie The Ref sums it up perfectly. "You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."

So here we go... it ain't pretty... but damn I feel better getting it out. 
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Dear Drama Momma,
It has come to my attention that you don't think your beloved baby boy has gotten a fair shake in all this mess.  It seems that repeatedly you've asked our mutual family why X is the only one who's been punished? Why haven't I had to suffer the way your darling son has? True he brought a gun to my house, but he was driven  to it by the dirty whore who doesn't love him anymore right?

How exactly would you like me to suffer?  What level of pain, or humiliation would be enough compensation?  Did I terrorize your son with a gun?  No... I didn't think so. Somehow in your sick, pathetic, narcissistic mind this is all somehow about you and your pain.  Your loss, your anger, your embarrassment.... and naturally that pain and fear and anger must be someone elses fault! You couldn't possibly have raised this monster - because you of course have dedicated your entire life to Narcissist Jr. And why in the world wouldn't that have produced a healthy, respectful, kind and loving man?

So perhaps you would feel better if I had been physically injured... oh wait, I was.
Perhaps you would be happy if I had been afraid for my life... oh wait, I was.
Maybe I should have permanent emotional scars... oh wait I do.  PTSD is a bitch to live with.
Would you like me to be financially devastated... got that covered too. Your expensive lawyers have seen to that.
How about suffering from persistent nightmares for over a year, is that suffering enough?
How about if my private life were splayed out to be the fodder of gossip and speculation of all my family and friends... oh wait, it is. Humiliation not enough for your though?
Would you be warm with righteous vindication if I lost my home... because I did, and then I was HOMELESS with four kids living in a camper.  Remember that little episode in the not so distant past?

Lets see... what else have we got? 

Oh yes, maybe I should lose valuable relationships with family and friends as people take sides, or just drift away in an attempt to escape a very uncomfortable situation...  no problem there, done.
Would you feel better knowing it was me who held your grandchildren as they cried themselves to sleep? That I answered the tough questions?
Does it make you feel any better to know I had to swallow my pride, humble myself, and beg for help at the Welfare office because I didn't know how I was going to feed my kids or get their medications?

So where are we?  Pain, PTSD, Anxiety, Homelessness, Financial Ruin, Loss of Loved Ones, Fear, Humiliation, Parental Guilt, Nightmares...  and those are just the biggies.  There were several moves required to find a home for the kids and I.  There was a difficult job change.  There is the daily struggle to parent four kids.  There are questions to which I may never have answers.

So have I suffered enough for you Mrs. Drama Momma?  Is all of that equal to your son sitting on his ass in a jail cell for 19 months, being fed, clothed, medicated, and cared for by the state?  Is there anything short of my own incarceration that would somehow, some way, make you feel less victimized by me - all because I didn't want to be married to the asshole you raised?

Because, as far as I can tell...  beyond everything else I listed,  just having to be married to that mean, condescending, pathetic excuse of a man and father for 15 years was punishment enough.  Now I'm getting on with my life.  I don't care to placate you any longer.  I don't care about either of your feelings, or your issues.  I'm not interested in your afflictions or addictions, your reasons or your excuses.

I think it's best we just pretend neither one of us exists.  It's the only way I see this not getting uglier than it already is. So goodbye.  No it's not me... it's you.  I won't call you in the morning, and there's no way in hell I want to just be friends.  Here you go Drama Momma, as a parting gift I wrapped up this cross for you with a pretty pink bow.  I'm sure you'll get plenty of use out of it.

With my head held high,
Lucy

*** Whewww... I actually really do feel better....  I've needed to get that off my chest for 2 years! ***

Getting What I Asked For

In so many good ways I've gotten what I asked the Cosmos for.  I have a man who loves me. I have a stunning sex life.  My kids are happy and settled.  I have an amazing vintage cottage in a beautiful little town to live in.  I have steady employment that I enjoy. 

However, I've also gotten some of the things I asked for that turned out not so good.  See, I just kept repeating "All I want is for him to leave us alone. I wish he would ignore us, and act like we don't exist." Well I got my wish, but now I understand that I might have spoken too soon.  See... what I should have said is that I don't want to have to spend any time with him.  I don't want him to use my kids to hurt me.  I do however wish that he had to pay child support. Raising four kids alone is really hard.

My youngest needs $800.00 worth of dental care immediately.  I can't even ask my douche of an Ex-Husband for help because of the restraining orders, and because there is no child support ordered by the family courts yet I can't even send a request for help to him through lawyers.  I am totally on my own here - as usual.  I applied for Care Credit - a line of credit for medical bills and was denied due to bad credit.  My nearly 1/2 a million dollar home went into foreclosure when the X went to jail.  My once great credit is destroyed.  I can't even get a high interest credit card at this point.

I humbled myself and asked my former in-laws for help.  Even though they have a crap-load of money they declined, in a very snotty fashion to help out.  All their promises about doing anything to help the kids was a total lie.  They want to punish me by denying my kids help... it's the same shit it always was.  They have money - and they use it to control and punish the people around them. Their grandchildren are just casualties in this whole messy war that's been declared against me because I had the nerve to walk away from their precious boy.

So I don't know what to do.  I'm taking some designer handbags to a resale shop... the owner said she would be interested in them.    I have one last jewelry item I'll pawn...  and a good 50 dollars worth of books to sell to the used book store.  That gets me a little closer to my goal. 

I guess what burns me the most is that my in laws would have given my X the money in a heart beat...  no matter what it's for.  A new Xbox 360 and games? Done.  All new clothing post jail? Done.  A new car? Done.  Money for a lawyer? Done.   But they won't give it or loan it to me for our 6 year old's teeth.  Just to be cruel.

I guess that will teach me to be careful what I ask for...

Window of opportunity

I've been thinking a lot about letting my kids have one last sleep over with their paternal grandparents.  On one hand it makes me terribly nervous, but on the other hand I realize that with the X getting out of jail in sixty odd days the window of opportunity for them to spend an lengthy amount of time together is rapidly closing.

On one hand it makes me uncomfortable - we are not on good speaking terms.  There's been a lot of "rule breaking" from my X's Drama Momma in regards to discussing the X with the kids.  However, I also believe my kids when they said that she followed all the rules and everthing I requested of her when I allowed the kids to go over for the day in December to celebrate Christmas.  I think that after my intense and forcefull phone call, and not getting to see the kids for a month she's finally figured out that if she wants access to them she keeps her damn fool mouth shut.

The kids have been asking, and when the X gets out in March he'll be living with the inlaws...which means that none of us will be able to go within a football field lengh of their house. Due to the restraining orders we won't be calling them either, and the won't be allowed to know our new phone number for our own safety.

Contact with the kids will be very limited and difficult to arrange while he's living there.  I want to give the kids one last chance for some special grandparent time - I just hope I don't regret it later.

Letters, Ground Rules, Good Friends, and the Holidays

Letters: Drama Momma (former mother in law) sent the kids cards. I assumed they were Christmas cards and let the kids open them without looking at them first. A mistake on my part. They were "wish you were here" and "miss you so much" kinds of things that just made the kids feel bad. I'm sure she meant well - but she just never thinks about how her actions effect the kids. What a dolt...

Ground Rules: The kids will be going to Drama Momma's house on Christmas day for a few hours to visit with family that is in town and to exchange gifts. Their therapist thinks that it's a good idea to keep one or two of the kids most beloved traditions, so I'm going to allow this. I'm going to have to have a firm talk (again) with the in-laws and go over the ground rules - not that I have any faith she'll follow my requests. Ugh, I hate this.

Good Friends: I spent Sunday with a good friend. We shall call her Goldilocks. We took a long walk, we baked cookies, we talked. Goldie is great because she's very no nonsense. She'll tell you exactly what she thinks. She is also the kind of mom that makes sure her kids help clean up before she leaves. She'll wash her own dishes or bring over a nice treat...she's just considerate. I used her impending visit as a motivator for my youngest two kiddo's to get their room all organized and cleaned before the holidays. It looks SO nice and when Goldie and her kids left it was still all organized - WIN!

Holidays: I'm lacking the holiday spirit big time this year, but I'm going with the theory - Fake it until you make it. I'm hosting a cookie and gift exchange. I've decorated the house and wrapped all my holiday gifts. I'm playing the Christmas tunes... I figure the spirit has to come over me at some point right?

That Inbreeding Will Get'cha Every Time...

Part of the whole dysfunction that is my extended family is the result of some interesting marrying in between my X's family and my own. Not necessarily in a Hillbilly Shotgun wedding sort of way... but I'll totally admit that my Great Grandparents were second cousins. Seriously... weird I know.

Well it works like this. Mr In-Law started out as my Uncle. He was married to my father's sister and divorced for about 15 years. My senior year in high school he met my X's mother - we'll call her Drama Momma. Well Mr. In-Law and Drama Momma hit it off and several years later they were married. So my Uncle became my Father in Law, and my Cousin became my Sister in Law.
What I can't wrap my mind around is how the X commits the horrible crime that he does against me, he says and does all the terrible and irresponsible things to the children... and in the end I'm the one who's loosing her friends and family. I'm the one who gets letters in the mail asking me to beg God for forgiveness for my sins so that he'll repair my marriage because my X "is a good man who lost his way". I'm the one who's Uncle, who knew her for her entire life, chose the X's family over her. I'm the one who's cousin is barely speaking to her because, even though she doesn't like the X, she feels the need to protect Mr. In Law, her father.

All my cousins and extended family from that side are blaming me for all of this. I was told that I wasn't welcome in their home during Christmas. They said I should plan on dropping off the kids and leaving. Even though I haven't seen my cousins in three years, and they'll be up for the holidays, I'm not welcome. I can't come by and spend time with them.... I'm not wanted and it hurts.

I know that when the X and I got divorced I was also, in a way, divorcing his family. I just didn't realize I would be divorcing my own as well. Like a fool I assumed that our long standing relationship would withstand this, that I would always have their love and support. I should be strong enough and self sufficient enough to say, "to hell with you then" - but I'm not.

It hurts.

It's confusing and frustrating.

I don't think there's a damn thing I can do about it but hope it stops breaking my heart some day soon because sometimes I feel like I've lost so much I can't take loosing anything else.

I don't need your stinkin' money...

The in-laws informed me today that after December they will no longer be able to pay for Monkey Pants full time Kindergarten tuition. I know this is in response to me limiting their access to the kids.

I only signed up for the full time program because the Not-So-Grand parents offered to pay the tuition. Now I'm going to be left trying to find room in my scary tight budget for tuition, or I'll have to pull Monkey Pants from the program and find a free class that has room. The problem is that I live in a very tiny town. The other two part time / free classes are full. To remove her from the tuition based class means she'll likely have to change schools... that's not an option with my daycare situation. Also that would be so disruptive to her I can't imagine putting her through this kind of change.

I'm so tired of broken promises. They convinced me to get the two older kids cell phones for safety reasons, saying they would pay for them... I put the contract in my name, and never once saw any money for those bills. They promised to put money towards the ridiculously high car payment I was stuck with when the X went to jail... never saw a penny of that money either. Now they're going back on their promise to pay the tuition. I'm done being manipulated by them. I'm done letting them use money to control my choices or my behavior.

I guess it's just more proof that they don't really care what's in the best interest of the kids... it's all about them, their feelings, their pride, their perception of control and irrational need for it.

Well you know what? They can take their money and shove it. I'll figure it out on my own.

Blizzards, Birthdays, Bonuses and Bitches

It's been a busy, CRAZY busy week. We got 20+ inches of snow, and are expecting a bit more to come tomorrow. I spent well over an hour with a snow shovel, as BLT doesn't own boots and it's in the teens here temp. wise. I dug us out - the snow was as high as my knees! Today we only had to work a half day, so we went and bought that man some winter gear!

Today is Monkey Pants' 6th birthday. We celebrated with her favorite dinner - mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese. LOL, weird combo I know, but hey...that's what you get when you offer to make a six year old anything they want to eat! Grandma got her a Pillow Pet and embroidered her name on it for her. BLT picked up a stuffed monkey and a Rapunzel doll - both were quite the hit. She woke us up at the ass-crack of dawn to say, "isn't there something you want to say to me?" Heh, yes she's precocious!

The boss man at work called BLT and I into the office and told us that being such a tiny company they can't afford to give us any kind of holiday bonus in cash, but we did each get a 50.00 gift certificate to our local butcher shop (mmm, and out here that means it's FRESH and usually Organic, like "get that cow out of the field because LoM wants steak tonight!) and we'll be closed from December 23 - January 3rd, but we'll get paid for all the days we are closed! NICE!! We are both very excited... we were just happy to have the time off to spend together, and for BLT to drive home to see his family for a couple days. Getting paid for it wasn't expected at all!

And now to the "bitch" section of this post. Neither of my psychotic X's parents sent Monkey Pants a gift for her birthday. Both asked when they could see her. I told both of them the same thing, that their therapist and I both agree that it's not in their best interest to have anything more than limited contact with family or friends who are actively supporting and/or excusing the X. I gave both parties my mailing address and asked them to mail any gifts or cards to her and I would make sure she got them on her birthday. In true narcissistic fashion they're more worried about their hurt feelings than my poor child, and neither of them ended up mailing her anything. And I made the damn fool mistake of telling Monkey Pants a gift was in the mail from Grandma because we couldn't get together with them right now, so she's been waiting and she was disappointed today. I feel like an ass for assuming they wouldn't punish the child because they are upset with me. What a couple of twat waffles...

So I went to the store and bought an extra gift today. If on Monday there isn't anything in the mail I'll wrap it up and pretend it's from Grandma. At least it will make her feel better, and I'll know not to make promises I'm not sure they'll keep. It's not her fault her grandparents are useless, spineless, self obsessed a-holes. I feel guilty. I feel like if I just sucked it up, and dealt with the anxiety and bit my tongue, or just let them keep abusing me then they wouldn't be punishing the kids. I just can't believe anyone would punish a small child like that...it's their own grandchild for craps sake! Who does that? Either way I guess they've shown their true colors. Now I have to figure out how to explain it to the little ones when they ask why.

Controling the Anxiety, Standing Up For Myself, and Not Making Plans

I've had several pretty massive panic attacks lately. I've also had several smaller, more easily controlled bouts of anxiety as well. I'm working on removing the things from my life that cause those anxious feelings, and dealing with the ones that I can't remove. What causes me the most stress is finding myself in situations where I don't have control, especially in regards to my former husband's family. I don't know what information they are funnelling to him and/or his bulldog lawyers. I can't handle having them minimize my feelings or what the kids are going through. Dealing with them at all is a huge trigger for me.


To this end I sent my former father in a law an email that told him, in no uncertain terms, that his contact with my children is limited to written communication or cards/gifts sent by mail. Their therapist and I both agree that the children should only have limited contact with any of my X's family members that are actively excusing his behavior and who are not expecting him to take responsibility for the damage he's done. The former FIL has only seen the kids 2 times in the past year and a half, and never once called me to find out if they were okay. Even when we were only 1 step up from being homeless. If it weren't for Ethel and my parents we would have had to live in my car - but that man lives in a 5000 square foot house with at least 4 bedrooms. Were it my grand-kids I wouldn't care how much I disliked my former daughter/son in law and I would suck it up and offer them a place to live.


As for standing up for myself, well my former mother in law called work and left a message for me. She wants to know if she gets to see Monkey Pants this week for her birthday. She also wanted to know what the plan was for Christmas. I stood my ground. I called her home and left a message on her machine. I told her that I wasn't ready to see her, and that if she wished to she may mail her gift to Monkey Pants and I would ensure that she gets it on her birthday. I told her that I was not ready to decide about Christmas yet, and that I would let her know. I did inform her that the children would not be attending the traditional Christmas Eve dinner and gift orgy at the Great-Grandparents house. (I heard the horrible and hateful things they said about my former father in law when he divorced the X's mother years ago... and right in front of my X and I. I won't have my girls subjected to that kind of poison) I also informed her that if I do agree to meet with them it will be at a restaurant or neutral location. I do not wish to be in their home.


I didn't tell them why, they don't need to know that it makes me feel very vulnerable. I have no control in their environment. I don't want them to know where I live, so they obviously can't come here to my home. So for now, I'm going to refuse to make plans. I'm going to play things by ear and see how I'm feeling closer to Christmas.


Whenever I start to feel anxious, I just keep hearing Ethel's voice in my head, "what can you control right now? Breath deeply and slowly and focus on the things within your control. You've got this, you're not alone."


Whewww... I've got this. I'm not alone.

Standing up for myself

I can be pretty forceful when I need to be. I don't like it though- I have the classic oldest daughter syndrome that makes me want to please everyone, to smooth the waters, to make people happy with me.

I've just been pushed too far by the former in-laws however. I couldn't take it any more. His mother has spent the past year and a half excusing his behavior. Hell - she spent his entire life doing that. She has supported him financially, excused his poor behavior, his crazy choices, and his down right dangerous denial of his responsibility. She butted into my divorce when I asked her not to. She discussed the X with my children when I expressly forbid her to do so.

Having her show up in court and write a "poor him" letter to the court talking about how important it was for him to regain a father-daughter relationship with his kids, even when it's not in their best interest of my kids, was absolutely the LAST straw. I'm done.

She enabled him, once again, to perjure himself to the court. In effect she stood by while he called his children liars. I will not have a woman like that around my children. She chose to stand by her sweet baby psycho at the cost of my kids so now she'll just have to live with having a very minimal influence in their lives.

Today a difficult call was made. I told her that I'm changing all our personal cell phone numbers. She can reach me at work Monday through Friday. I told her that we no longer have a relationship. We no longer have any reason to speak with each other. She can see the kids but it will be on my terms, and in a limited capacity.

Both my therapist and the kids' have expressed the opinion that it's not in any of our best interest to continue this relationship in it's current state. So I'm changing the rules.

I am so angry and frustrated. I didn't want it to come to this. I went out of my way to try and keep things friendly. I overlooked and forgave them time and time again. But I've seen the grief on my children's faces when they've told me stories about what the X said and did in those days leading up to the crime. I can not forgive her for enabling him to call my children liars.

I'm hoping I did the right thing. There will be some serious repercussions I'm sure. The grandparents were paying for Lady Bug's full time, tuition based Kindergarten. I have no idea how I'll pay for that. She may have to change to a part time - free class if there is room. Out of anger they very well could give their bull dog lawyers free reign to make my life hell.

I did what I think is best... yes, partially out of anger and resentment, but I'm sure that we all will benefit in the end. The in-laws need to face the consequences of their choices. The kids and I need to be surrounded by people who truly support us. It doesn't seem like those two can take place at the same time.

Whatever you say can, and will, be used against you...

Pariah: Adj. 1. An Outcast 2. A person to be avoided 3. Your former daughter in law who has moved on with her life and is living with a man other than your son.

Yep - that about covers it. Since informing my former in-laws that BLT and I are seriously involved and living together I have not heard a word from them. Seeing as how my former father in law / uncle was in constant communication up until this point it's a noticeable difference.

Monkey Pants' tuition for Kindergarten was past due, so I made a friendly "hey, in case you didn't know" telephone call and left them a message. They chose not to call back. I did receive a check in the mail - no note attached or anything. I'm being avoided - and you know what? It's FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC!!

Since I've already pissed them off it won't get any worse when they find out that I talked to my lawyer yesterday and we are going forward with requesting the judge extend the no contact order for the children for another year. It expires soon, and B.S.C (Bat Shit Crazy) ex husband wrote the children letters stating that he was working on getting permission for them to visit him. ARE YOU NUTS? Rhetorical question of course. There is no way I'm standing by and letting my four young children visit him in prison. No way, No how, Never going to happen.

Also - this would give us 7 months after his release to make sure he's going to any court ordered counseling, parole, whatever that might be required of him before he can petition the court for visitation. I think this is a good thing, he has to earn back the right to visit his kids - that's one of the consequences for his behavior. It's my job to make sure those children are protected and I will do that to the very best of my ability whether the in-laws like it or not.

So from here on out I figure it's truth time. No more avoiding them, no more discreet lies to try and salvage some king of relationship with them. I need to fully move on with my life, and that means being honest with myself and others. I don't need their approval or respect. I'll be cordial for the sake of the kids so that visits with the grandparents aren't too awkward, but that's it.

Whew...this is rather liberating! Now that they are avoiding me things are so much easier all around. This should have happened months ago!

I put on my big girl panties...

I did it. I put on my big girl panties, and made the call I have been dreading for months.

It would be far to simple to say that it was uncomfortable. To start with I'm on day three of a terrible stomach flu. In between bouts of violently throwing up I worked up the courage and made the call.

It was not well received. There were tears, there were inappropriate questions that I refused to answer.

I'm proud of myself. I stood up for myself and the girls and made sure that they knew the ONLY reason I even bothered to tell them was that I didn't want the girls to have to lie / mislead / avoid questions etc.

The first question they had was, "Is he a cop or something?" That struck me as odd, but I simply said no he wasn't. Then his mother asked; "So is he older than you... or your age?" I told her that BLT is younger than me by a few years. LOL, her reply was classic; "oh...REALLY?? Um well good for you then I guess."

About ten minutes after we hung up they called back and asked if this new significant other is, "that guy from California" apparently this information was necessary for them to determine how they were going to inform the X. One part of me wanted to tell them it was none of their business, but I figured I was already letting them know about the living situation, and they would find out soon enough so I told them that yes, my live in boyfriend is in fact "that guy from California".

This was what really tossed them over the edge. I don't think we'll be talking again any time soon. They both feel this is just too soon. They're hurt. WTF? How can two people totally outside of the situation be hurt by me moving on with my life? Get a grip... this has nothing to do with you two. Trust me, when I'm snuggled in bed at night in BLT's arms I'm certainly not thinking about my former in-laws!

So it's done. I have no idea what kind of fall-out we're going to have. X may just haul me into court. He may file false claims with child protection services to cause trouble. He may decide to have me followed by private investigators...again... His mother was going to pay for Monkey Pants to go to full time Kindy this next year. I fully expect that to be cut off, I'm just hoping I can figure out a way to pay for it since she's already registered.

So once again, life is up in the air and I'm feeling on edge. I hate just waiting for the other shoe to drop. However I did what I felt was right, so I'm not going to second guess my decision or beat myself up for it. I'm glad they finally know and the kids no longer have to be secretive.

I've made a big decision.

I'm going to call my former in laws and tell them about BLT. I've been putting it off for a lot of reasons. Mostly it's none of their business. My private life should be none of their concern. Also I know that everything gets passed onto my X in prison. Will he start trying to make my life difficult? More lawyers? False claims filed with social services about abuse or neglect? His mother and step-father punishing my children emotionally? There are a lot of possibly unpleasant outcomes.

However, you would have to understand the nature of our former relationship to truly appreciate how hard this is going to be for me. My former father in law was once my uncle. Sounds incestuous right? It isn't, but it is complicated.

The Uncle was once married to my father's Sister. Well Auntie and Uncle divorced when I was a young child and he had been single ever since. After I was out of high school the former Uncle met X's mother - recently divorced - at my graduation party. They clicked, and ended up getting married a few years later.

I can look back now and see how unhealthy our relationship was. Not only X and I, but our willingness to let his mother and step-father/uncle be so overly involved in every single aspect of our lives. Daily calls, input on where we live, how we raise the kids, our marriage. They felt free to express an opinion on anything and everything. They had their fingers in nearly every pie - and they liked that control.

Now that X is in jail, and I'm keeping as much of my life separate from them as possible, there is tension that wasn't there before. Of course they blame me for everything that happened. He might have brought a gun... but I drove him to it. Like that's some kind of excuse... God that makes me insane.

Well for many months now neither the kids nor I have told them about BLT. I've mislead, avoided the subject, and down right lied. I felt an intense need to keep them out of this area of my life. I needed BLT and I to be something they have no knowledge or input on. I don't care what they think, and I certainly have no desire for their opinion on the matter.

The thing is, I don't want my kids to have to lie to their Grandparents. It's getting harder and harder for them to avoid the subject, and it's unfair to ask them to keep my secret. I'm not doing anything wrong, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. It's ridiculous to keep hiding our relationship.

Will they like it? No. Will there be drama, blame, and contempt? I'm sure of it. But I'm going to make it very clear that they don't get to grill my kids about my personal life. If they have questions they can come to me, and I'll decide what - if anything I share with them.

I'm hoping the conversation goes something like this; "I just wanted to let you guys know that not only have I been seeing someone for quite awhile, he's moved in with the girls and I. The only reason I'm telling you is that I don't want my children to be in a position where they have to lie to you. That being said, I want it made very clear that I don't want you discussing my personal life with the kids. I'm not asking for your permission and I'm not interested in sharing any details."

The X's mother is a typical narcissistic, drama queen martyr. When I said once "I can't stay, I have a date" I got chewed out because she's not ready for me to be dating, it's too soon and just plain cruel for me to "throw it in her face like that" WTF? What the hell does that even mean? Somehow things always get turned around so that it's all about her. And people wonder how X turned out the way he did!!

So I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to tell them. Then I'm going to stand up for myself and refuse to be bullied, or questioned. I'll deal with the fall out once X knows in the same manner I've dealt with everything else. One pain in my ass at a time.

Wish me luck!

Dear Former In-laws...

Dear former in-laws,

Please do us all a favor and butt out of my life.

You have to accept the fact that you are no longer involved in certain aspects of my life. When I divorced your son, hell BEFORE that, when he brought a gun to my house and your answer was to lay blame at my door you lost a right to have a say in how I live my life.

When you paid for the divorce lawyer whose only job was to screw my kids out of the resources they deserve to feed and clothe them then you made a choice. You chose your gun toting, narcissistic son over your grandchildren and you lost the right to have input on how I raise them.

Do not ask me about my personal life. Do not ask me about my finances. Do not share your opinion on either of these subjects either. Do not make judgements about me, do not discuss my private affairs behind my back with other family members. Keep your unwanted opinions to yourself.

Do not call me at work, and get me so upset by butting into things that have nothing to do with you that I start to have chest pains and feel the need to hide in a closet and scream at the top of my lungs in frustration.

What I once accepted as "involvement" out of parental love I have now come to realize is simply nothing more than an unhealthy control issue. You need to control what I do, what I say, whom I socialize with, how I raise my children and any other aspect of my life that you feel is your business because your bat shit crazy son is sitting in jail and you desperately need someone to blame.

I am not your scape goat for all the crap you're dealing with. I'm not the cause of your grief, your own personal marital problems, your emotional pain, your financial woes, or your ire. I did not raise a selfish, self obsessed, anti-social man, and then make excuses for his erratic and downright destructive behavior...that one is all on you. Deal with it.

I will not be made to feel guilty because I do not love your son. If you are sitting around hoping I'll take him back when he gets out of jail then you're just as crazy and demented as he is.

I will not let you control me with money - or the withholding of it. You can not bride me, or my children into behaving in the way you feel is most "appropriate". I will say what I want, I will tell my side of this story without shame. I will take responsibility for the mistakes I made, however I will not make any apologies to YOU for the decisions I made. BECAUSE I WAS NOT MARRIED TO YOU!! I will not hide my feeling or my intentions. I will not let you shame me into feeling like I'm somehow in the wrong for finding happiness and love because YOU aren't ready yet.

I am moving on with my life. Accept it, or leave me the hell alone.

Yours Truly,
Little Ol' Me