In so many good ways I've gotten what I asked the Cosmos for. I have a man who loves me. I have a stunning sex life. My kids are happy and settled. I have an amazing vintage cottage in a beautiful little town to live in. I have steady employment that I enjoy.
However, I've also gotten some of the things I asked for that turned out not so good. See, I just kept repeating "All I want is for him to leave us alone. I wish he would ignore us, and act like we don't exist." Well I got my wish, but now I understand that I might have spoken too soon. See... what I should have said is that I don't want to have to spend any time with him. I don't want him to use my kids to hurt me. I do however wish that he had to pay child support. Raising four kids alone is really hard.
My youngest needs $800.00 worth of dental care immediately. I can't even ask my douche of an Ex-Husband for help because of the restraining orders, and because there is no child support ordered by the family courts yet I can't even send a request for help to him through lawyers. I am totally on my own here - as usual. I applied for Care Credit - a line of credit for medical bills and was denied due to bad credit. My nearly 1/2 a million dollar home went into foreclosure when the X went to jail. My once great credit is destroyed. I can't even get a high interest credit card at this point.
I humbled myself and asked my former in-laws for help. Even though they have a crap-load of money they declined, in a very snotty fashion to help out. All their promises about doing anything to help the kids was a total lie. They want to punish me by denying my kids help... it's the same shit it always was. They have money - and they use it to control and punish the people around them. Their grandchildren are just casualties in this whole messy war that's been declared against me because I had the nerve to walk away from their precious boy.
So I don't know what to do. I'm taking some designer handbags to a resale shop... the owner said she would be interested in them. I have one last jewelry item I'll pawn... and a good 50 dollars worth of books to sell to the used book store. That gets me a little closer to my goal.
I guess what burns me the most is that my in laws would have given my X the money in a heart beat... no matter what it's for. A new Xbox 360 and games? Done. All new clothing post jail? Done. A new car? Done. Money for a lawyer? Done. But they won't give it or loan it to me for our 6 year old's teeth. Just to be cruel.
I guess that will teach me to be careful what I ask for...
Showing posts with label Money and Finances. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Money and Finances. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Feeling Vulnerable
I greatly dislike the feeling of vulnerability. Lately I've realized that with the lifestyle BLT and I have established I am now financially dependant - to a certain extent - on him. If anything happened, and we broke up I would not be able to afford the house we live in and all my current bills on my own.
I dislike this feeling. Added to the lack of sleep and budding nudge of insecurity since the X's release from jail I realized today I've been more irritable than normal the past couple days. I tried to discuss this feeling with BLT and his answer was a resolute, "well we're not breaking up because I love you like crazy. So there is nothing to feel insecure about."
HARUUMPHHH... he doesn't get it. It's the "what ifs" that rumble around inside my head when the lights go out and everyone else is fast asleep. What if he fell in love with someone else? What if he died in a fiery plane crash on a business trip? What if my X does decide to violate his restraining order and BLT decides he can't live like this anymore? What if I can't take care of the kids on my own?
Less than two years ago my life was torn apart and I was left so scared, without any financial resources. I went from being a comfortable (albeit unhappy) stay at home mommy to a single parent virtually over night. I was physically and emotionally damaged. If not for Ethel and my parents we would have been living in my car.
The idea of being back in that place is very scary. I don't know how to explain this anxiety to BLT. I don't want to come across as though I doubt us, or our future. I love that man with my whole heart and I want to believe that we'll be together forever. I just feel like I need some kind of insurance policy... a contingency plan perhaps. I need to know I won't be caught off guard and vulnerable like that ever again.
Mostly I think I need time. Time to finish healing. Time to acclimate to my X being out of jail. Time to pay off a portion of this monstrous debt I was left with after my divorce. Time to continue building a life with BLT.
I just wish I was more patient...or time would speed up. Either one would work okay for me.
I dislike this feeling. Added to the lack of sleep and budding nudge of insecurity since the X's release from jail I realized today I've been more irritable than normal the past couple days. I tried to discuss this feeling with BLT and his answer was a resolute, "well we're not breaking up because I love you like crazy. So there is nothing to feel insecure about."
HARUUMPHHH... he doesn't get it. It's the "what ifs" that rumble around inside my head when the lights go out and everyone else is fast asleep. What if he fell in love with someone else? What if he died in a fiery plane crash on a business trip? What if my X does decide to violate his restraining order and BLT decides he can't live like this anymore? What if I can't take care of the kids on my own?
Less than two years ago my life was torn apart and I was left so scared, without any financial resources. I went from being a comfortable (albeit unhappy) stay at home mommy to a single parent virtually over night. I was physically and emotionally damaged. If not for Ethel and my parents we would have been living in my car.
The idea of being back in that place is very scary. I don't know how to explain this anxiety to BLT. I don't want to come across as though I doubt us, or our future. I love that man with my whole heart and I want to believe that we'll be together forever. I just feel like I need some kind of insurance policy... a contingency plan perhaps. I need to know I won't be caught off guard and vulnerable like that ever again.
Mostly I think I need time. Time to finish healing. Time to acclimate to my X being out of jail. Time to pay off a portion of this monstrous debt I was left with after my divorce. Time to continue building a life with BLT.
I just wish I was more patient...or time would speed up. Either one would work okay for me.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Big dreams for my little cottage - and an update.
First the update. I spoke to the crime victims caseworker at Labor and Industries they claim that my former insurance was still in effect and that payment must be made by my former insurance company, and anything not covered will be paid by them.
The insurance company claims that regardless of coverage these injuries were received due to a crime and Crime Victims must pay. I told them both to duke it out on their own end, and that refuse to pay one penny.
Second... my little blue cottage! I'm starting a fun project this holiday weekend. I was given the okay from my landlord to pull up the carpet in TNT's bedroom. Due to allergies and severe asthma we can't have carpet in the room where TNT sleeps. This long weekend I'll pull up the carpet, pad, and tack strips. I'll get the floor all cleaned and prepped - and then next weekend BLT and I will install laminate wood flooring in that room. I already have Pergo downstairs in the main living area and I love it.
I have several home improvement projects planned for my little cottage. I have to paint TNT's room, build a stone path to a fire pit in the backyard, re-stain my picket fence and deck, strip the wallpaper in the bathroom and paint the walls, freshen up the paint on the little barn in my back yard, and BLT and I have instructions on building Adirondack chairs and outdoor planters. We want to make some planters for Christmas gifts and chairs for our own use next summer on the patio. Oh speaking of the patio, it needs to be power washed and then sealed with concrete stain.
Lots of plans... and very little time or money, lol. Lucky for me few of these jobs are expensive. My landlord left stain and paint in the shed, I can borrow the power washer from my parents etc. Mostly it's all elbow grease :) I'm excited to get started this weekend!
The insurance company claims that regardless of coverage these injuries were received due to a crime and Crime Victims must pay. I told them both to duke it out on their own end, and that refuse to pay one penny.
Second... my little blue cottage! I'm starting a fun project this holiday weekend. I was given the okay from my landlord to pull up the carpet in TNT's bedroom. Due to allergies and severe asthma we can't have carpet in the room where TNT sleeps. This long weekend I'll pull up the carpet, pad, and tack strips. I'll get the floor all cleaned and prepped - and then next weekend BLT and I will install laminate wood flooring in that room. I already have Pergo downstairs in the main living area and I love it.
I have several home improvement projects planned for my little cottage. I have to paint TNT's room, build a stone path to a fire pit in the backyard, re-stain my picket fence and deck, strip the wallpaper in the bathroom and paint the walls, freshen up the paint on the little barn in my back yard, and BLT and I have instructions on building Adirondack chairs and outdoor planters. We want to make some planters for Christmas gifts and chairs for our own use next summer on the patio. Oh speaking of the patio, it needs to be power washed and then sealed with concrete stain.
Lots of plans... and very little time or money, lol. Lucky for me few of these jobs are expensive. My landlord left stain and paint in the shed, I can borrow the power washer from my parents etc. Mostly it's all elbow grease :) I'm excited to get started this weekend!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Just when you get a handle on things...(warning this is NOT a p.c. feel good post)
the rug is pulled out from under you. I guess that's kind of universal for a lot of us single parents, but that sure doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I'm going to vent, and I feel no need to kiss any one's ass or be politically correct. I'm going to say exactly what's on my mind. If this offends you then I'm sorry.
DSHS has decided that I should be capable of meeting all my children's needs on my own without their assistance. The system I helped pay into for years with our exorbitant taxes is no longer available to me when I find myself in need of it. For craps sake, I make 15.00 per hour, who the hell can raise four kids on their own - w/o child support - on that? Are these bureaucratic nimrods on crack?
I sat there last week, feeling defeated and pathetic, with my pay stubs, my utility bills, and my ridiculous excel spreadsheet showing how much I'm short each month. I plead my case and laid out exactly why I need help with things like childcare and medical insurance for my children. It doesn't matter. They don't care. It has to be a hard job being a social worker - but the total apathy these people have towards other humans in need makes me want to spit in their holier than thou faces.
I was actually told that if I was "unemployed" i.e. "If you quit your job" then there would be plenty of services available. WTF? You're encouraging someone to quit their job and go on welfare? Really? This is your idea of "help"? When I was making $13.00 per hour they told me I was too poor for low income housing. Yes you read that right... TOO POOR. I wasn't going to be able to afford my utilities so they wouldn't even put me on the waiting list. All they would do was give me a list of shelters to try (none of which would take a family of five, I would have had to separate my kids up and send the older two alone to a youth shelter and keep the younger two with me.) So I get a better job and whoa Nelly now on two bucks more an hour I should be able to meet all our needs, no problem. Does anyone else see a problem here? Am I the only one with a look on confusion on their face?
I know it sounds horrible, and I try not to make this a race issue but the teenage girl with the THREE children under the age of five, the neck tattoo, and the interpreter sure didn't leave with a frown on her face. I have the impression from her smile that they didn't cut HER services... so EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME for being born in this country and having a JOB. Excuse me for finding myself in a situation - not by my own making - where I'm a single mother. They actually said, "well you went to college, you have a degree. Why can't you make more money?" In this economy? What the hell? The system is broken. Backwards, demented, retarded, and just plain broke as hell.
So I put in my paperwork to start a formal appeal. I'm hoping that at the very least they'll put me on the sliding scale for reduced cost medical and childcare. They took away my free birth control so I will have to figure out what to do about that. I can't afford to pay for my Depo shots - and I certainly can't afford to have another baby. Maybe that's the trick... I just keep pumpin' out babies until I pass the threshold and qualify for help again. What a fantastic idea!! (insert dramatic eye roll here)
They also took away my food stamps - which was a pathetic meager amount to begin with that was only 1/4 what it actually costs me to feed my family. I'll tighten my belt and make my food budget stretch. The kids will learn to live without snack foods and we can certainly cut out some of the more expensive cuts of meat we enjoy. Like my dad said, "hey kiddo - we lived on ham, rice and beans when I was growing up - there are ways to feed a family on the cheap. You'll be okay!"
It's infuriating that services are available if you come here from another country, if you just pump out one kid after the other from the time you hit puberty, or if you choose not to work even though you're able to - but someone who needs temporary help until they can get on their feet, someone whose taxes have paid into the system for years, someone who is willing to work; well that person is just shit outta luck.
I guess what really frustrates me is that I had gotten myself to a place where I was able to pay my bills on my own with a small amount of assistance from the state. Now I HAVE to depend on BLT to help pay the bills - and I promised myself I wouldn't be financially dependant on anyone ever again. If a year from now he decides he doesn't love me anymore, or if this life isn't what he really wants... I could lose everything. I feel insecure and the lack of control makes me feel like a failure. Others manage to do this on their own. I'm the kids' only parent. I should be able to put food on the table and pay for their basic needs and I can't. There isn't a way to make those dollars stretch enough. I've looked at it every which way possible. I've had another set of eyes on it....it's impossible on my own with my bills.
I feel beat up. I know it will pass...but tonight I feel like someone ran me over and left me for dead.
DSHS has decided that I should be capable of meeting all my children's needs on my own without their assistance. The system I helped pay into for years with our exorbitant taxes is no longer available to me when I find myself in need of it. For craps sake, I make 15.00 per hour, who the hell can raise four kids on their own - w/o child support - on that? Are these bureaucratic nimrods on crack?
I sat there last week, feeling defeated and pathetic, with my pay stubs, my utility bills, and my ridiculous excel spreadsheet showing how much I'm short each month. I plead my case and laid out exactly why I need help with things like childcare and medical insurance for my children. It doesn't matter. They don't care. It has to be a hard job being a social worker - but the total apathy these people have towards other humans in need makes me want to spit in their holier than thou faces.
I was actually told that if I was "unemployed" i.e. "If you quit your job" then there would be plenty of services available. WTF? You're encouraging someone to quit their job and go on welfare? Really? This is your idea of "help"? When I was making $13.00 per hour they told me I was too poor for low income housing. Yes you read that right... TOO POOR. I wasn't going to be able to afford my utilities so they wouldn't even put me on the waiting list. All they would do was give me a list of shelters to try (none of which would take a family of five, I would have had to separate my kids up and send the older two alone to a youth shelter and keep the younger two with me.) So I get a better job and whoa Nelly now on two bucks more an hour I should be able to meet all our needs, no problem. Does anyone else see a problem here? Am I the only one with a look on confusion on their face?
I know it sounds horrible, and I try not to make this a race issue but the teenage girl with the THREE children under the age of five, the neck tattoo, and the interpreter sure didn't leave with a frown on her face. I have the impression from her smile that they didn't cut HER services... so EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME for being born in this country and having a JOB. Excuse me for finding myself in a situation - not by my own making - where I'm a single mother. They actually said, "well you went to college, you have a degree. Why can't you make more money?" In this economy? What the hell? The system is broken. Backwards, demented, retarded, and just plain broke as hell.
So I put in my paperwork to start a formal appeal. I'm hoping that at the very least they'll put me on the sliding scale for reduced cost medical and childcare. They took away my free birth control so I will have to figure out what to do about that. I can't afford to pay for my Depo shots - and I certainly can't afford to have another baby. Maybe that's the trick... I just keep pumpin' out babies until I pass the threshold and qualify for help again. What a fantastic idea!! (insert dramatic eye roll here)
They also took away my food stamps - which was a pathetic meager amount to begin with that was only 1/4 what it actually costs me to feed my family. I'll tighten my belt and make my food budget stretch. The kids will learn to live without snack foods and we can certainly cut out some of the more expensive cuts of meat we enjoy. Like my dad said, "hey kiddo - we lived on ham, rice and beans when I was growing up - there are ways to feed a family on the cheap. You'll be okay!"
It's infuriating that services are available if you come here from another country, if you just pump out one kid after the other from the time you hit puberty, or if you choose not to work even though you're able to - but someone who needs temporary help until they can get on their feet, someone whose taxes have paid into the system for years, someone who is willing to work; well that person is just shit outta luck.
I guess what really frustrates me is that I had gotten myself to a place where I was able to pay my bills on my own with a small amount of assistance from the state. Now I HAVE to depend on BLT to help pay the bills - and I promised myself I wouldn't be financially dependant on anyone ever again. If a year from now he decides he doesn't love me anymore, or if this life isn't what he really wants... I could lose everything. I feel insecure and the lack of control makes me feel like a failure. Others manage to do this on their own. I'm the kids' only parent. I should be able to put food on the table and pay for their basic needs and I can't. There isn't a way to make those dollars stretch enough. I've looked at it every which way possible. I've had another set of eyes on it....it's impossible on my own with my bills.
I feel beat up. I know it will pass...but tonight I feel like someone ran me over and left me for dead.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Good News / Bad News / No News
1. Good News: X is totally, 100% unable to sue me. First of all his lawyers filed a notice that they are no longer representing him - and since he's out of money, he no longer has his 500.00 per hour bulldogs to do his bidding from jail Second, since the kids are still protected by a no contact order I am under absolutely no obligation to tell him anything... so go suck an egg Mr. X!! If you want to make my life difficult from prison you'll have to beg, borrow, or steal another retainer, hire another law firm, and start from scratch. Since you're possibly the laziest creature that ever walked this planet I'm not going to loose sleep over your threats any longer!
2. Bad News: I gained WAY more weight that I was thinking. Three years ago I lost nearly 60 lbs using the Weight Watchers system, and I kept it off really well until my life went to shit a year ago. I've gained back 21 lbs, and I'm not happy about it. So back to WW I go. I knew all my clothes were too tight, but holy shit, I didn't realize I gained that much.
Tracking today has kept me honest, and here I am after dinner with 6 pts left for the day, which means I can have my beloved light popcorn or maybe a little low fat ice cream later when I'm watching TV with BLT and I get the munchies.
3. No News: Still no word about the 401K funds. My lawyer is looking into it for me, and I just have to be patient and let her do her job. Ugh... I suck at the whole patience thing.
2. Bad News: I gained WAY more weight that I was thinking. Three years ago I lost nearly 60 lbs using the Weight Watchers system, and I kept it off really well until my life went to shit a year ago. I've gained back 21 lbs, and I'm not happy about it. So back to WW I go. I knew all my clothes were too tight, but holy shit, I didn't realize I gained that much.
Tracking today has kept me honest, and here I am after dinner with 6 pts left for the day, which means I can have my beloved light popcorn or maybe a little low fat ice cream later when I'm watching TV with BLT and I get the munchies.
3. No News: Still no word about the 401K funds. My lawyer is looking into it for me, and I just have to be patient and let her do her job. Ugh... I suck at the whole patience thing.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
You've got to be kidding me...
According to a reliable source my bat shit crazy ex husband is now going to try and sue me for contempt of court. Apparently he feels that since he hasn't lost his parental rights I'm in contempt for not telling him where the girls are living, going to school and daycare.
The problem I have... well okay, there are many... but lets start with the fact that if he finds out where THEY are, then he finds out where I am. Since he attempted to shoot me, and I have a five year no contact order I'm thinking I don't have to inform him of shit. Also, as of right now the kids are still on an order of protection. He's not even allowed near their school or day care...so this all stinks of just being another attempt to cost me legal fees I don't have and punish me any way he can.
Who knows if his nearly as crazy mother will finance this new little bit of insanity. I'm thinking I have a fifty-fifty shot she'll say no. He pretty much bankrupted her with his uber expensive defense lawyer who got him his cherry of a deal and then his ridiculously expensive divorce lawyer that pretty much did nothing, but sucked his mother's bank account dry and keep him from loosing everything but the prison issue underwear he's using.
On a related, but slightly different topic. I've as of yet still not heard a word from f'ing Prudential who holds the 401K funds. I was awarded 85% of those funds, and it said in the divorce papers that they were required to contact me "in a timely manner" to let me know how to get those funds. No contact yet via phone, mail, email or through my lawyer. So I have no clue what to do.
I don't have any phone or account numbers to reference and I'm pretty sure I can't just call Prudential up and say "hey, twat waffle...where's my money?" although that would be just a wee bit satisfying, if juvenile. If I can't get those funds I have no idea how I'm going to buy school clothes for all four kids, plus supplies, back packs, winter coats, shoes etc. Without any child support I can barely just squeak by paying my bills and covering rent etc. Those kinds of extras just aren't in the budget.
So... life marches forward. Just a little more crazy today than yesterday. But honestly at this point I should expect these things to pop up from time to time. For the next 13 years I'm going to have to deal with Capt. Crazypants and whatever ridiculous way he can come up with to make my life difficult. God help me I hope I don't end up on an episode of Snapped one day.
The problem I have... well okay, there are many... but lets start with the fact that if he finds out where THEY are, then he finds out where I am. Since he attempted to shoot me, and I have a five year no contact order I'm thinking I don't have to inform him of shit. Also, as of right now the kids are still on an order of protection. He's not even allowed near their school or day care...so this all stinks of just being another attempt to cost me legal fees I don't have and punish me any way he can.
Who knows if his nearly as crazy mother will finance this new little bit of insanity. I'm thinking I have a fifty-fifty shot she'll say no. He pretty much bankrupted her with his uber expensive defense lawyer who got him his cherry of a deal and then his ridiculously expensive divorce lawyer that pretty much did nothing, but sucked his mother's bank account dry and keep him from loosing everything but the prison issue underwear he's using.
On a related, but slightly different topic. I've as of yet still not heard a word from f'ing Prudential who holds the 401K funds. I was awarded 85% of those funds, and it said in the divorce papers that they were required to contact me "in a timely manner" to let me know how to get those funds. No contact yet via phone, mail, email or through my lawyer. So I have no clue what to do.
I don't have any phone or account numbers to reference and I'm pretty sure I can't just call Prudential up and say "hey, twat waffle...where's my money?" although that would be just a wee bit satisfying, if juvenile. If I can't get those funds I have no idea how I'm going to buy school clothes for all four kids, plus supplies, back packs, winter coats, shoes etc. Without any child support I can barely just squeak by paying my bills and covering rent etc. Those kinds of extras just aren't in the budget.
So... life marches forward. Just a little more crazy today than yesterday. But honestly at this point I should expect these things to pop up from time to time. For the next 13 years I'm going to have to deal with Capt. Crazypants and whatever ridiculous way he can come up with to make my life difficult. God help me I hope I don't end up on an episode of Snapped one day.
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