Feeling Vulnerable

I greatly dislike the feeling of vulnerability. Lately I've realized that with the lifestyle BLT and I have established I am now financially dependant - to a certain extent - on him.  If anything happened, and we broke up I would not be able to afford the house we live in and all my current bills on my own.

I dislike this feeling.  Added to the lack of sleep and budding nudge of insecurity since the X's release from jail I realized today I've been more irritable than normal the past couple days.  I tried to discuss this feeling with BLT and his answer was a resolute, "well we're not breaking up because I love you like crazy. So there is nothing to feel insecure about." 

HARUUMPHHH... he doesn't get it.  It's the "what ifs" that rumble around inside my head when the lights go out and everyone else is fast asleep.  What if he fell in love with someone else?  What if he died in a fiery plane crash on a business trip?  What if my X does decide to violate his restraining order and BLT decides he can't live like this anymore? What if I can't take care of the kids on my own?

Less than two years ago my life was torn apart and I was left so scared, without any financial resources.  I went from being a comfortable (albeit unhappy) stay at home mommy to a single parent virtually over night.  I was physically and emotionally damaged.  If not for Ethel and my parents we would have been living in my car. 

The idea of being back in that place is very scary.  I don't know how to explain this anxiety to BLT.  I don't want to come across as though I doubt us, or our future.  I love that man with my whole heart and I want to believe that we'll be together forever.  I just feel like I need some kind of  insurance policy... a contingency plan perhaps.  I need to know I won't be caught off guard and vulnerable like that ever again.

Mostly I think I need time.  Time to finish healing.  Time to acclimate to my X being out of jail.  Time to pay off a portion of this monstrous debt I was left with after my divorce. Time to continue building a life with BLT.

I just wish I was more patient...or time would speed up.  Either one would work okay for me.

What do you love about me?

It's a question I've wanted to ask BLT for awhile now. What do you love about me, exactly?


He tells me that I treat him better than anyone else he's ever dated. Is that love? Or are you just appreciative because all your former girl friends have been less than stellar? I mean it has to be more than that if it's going to last.


He tells me all the time how hot I am. And not just in the heat of the moment, BLT excels at showing me how beautiful he finds me. Which of course I love to hear....I am a woman after all. But beauty fades, we all know that.


So other than being hot and kind what is it? What has convinced him that we can make it for the long haul? I mean, I know exactly why I love him. His sense of humor, his appreciation of the little things in life, the fact that he's one of the most considerate people I've ever met. He's a good friend, and he's kind to his siblings and parents. He is patient with my girls, and he knows how to mix having fun with being a good role model for them. He makes me feel sexy. He says he's sorry if he makes mistakes, and he's an amazing listener.


I feel like an ass if I come right out and ask him. I don't want him to think I'm fishing for compliments - because that's not what it's about. I just want to know what he's feeling, what he's thinking. I need to know that it's real.


Does that make me needy? Ugh, I HATE needy people and I don't want to be that person.

Trying to make a big decision

My OBGYN doesn't want me to continue to use the depo shot as birth control. Actually they want me to stop all forms of birth control that use hormones. You see my mother and one of her sisters both had serious blood clots due to hormones when they were in their mid 30's.


Now that I've past the "mid" part of this decade they worry about the side effects. The 20 lbs I gained in the past year and a half being on the shot isn't making me happy either. It doesn't seem to matter how much I jog and walk I can't seem to get this weight off - an obnoxious side effect of the depo I'm told.


SOOOO... my doc wants me to consider two options. Either a long term IUD or getting my tubes tied. The IUD will likely cause heavy bleeding during my cycle - uhhh, no thanks, YUCK. The tubal is, of course permanent. The IUD can be done at my local planned parenthood and won't cost too much. The tubal isn't covered by my insurance and will cost a lot.


What's crazy is that I know BLT doesn't want any more kids. I know I can barely afford to raise the four I have. I know that I loved being pregnant, and the idea of a little one with BLT kind of makes me all mushy and girly inside. I know that I'm getting too old to have a safe pregnancy. I know I don't want to be in my 50's before my youngest child is out of house. I know all of this...but it still feels so FINAL, know what I mean?


So I'm trying to decide what to do. I have this irrational fear that I'll do something permanent and then BLT and I won't make it. What if sometime in the future I'm in a position where the man in my life really wants to have a baby? I mean, it doesn't change my age, or the fact that I have four kids already... and I rationally know this. So what's my problem? Maybe I'm just crazy?


Why is this such a hard decision to make?

Needing to feel safe.

Feeling safe is something you take for granted until that sense of security is taken away. The main reason I keep my name, home town, and my children's names anonymous is to have a sense of security. I don't share photos of what we look like or our home because, God forbid my X ever finds this blog I don't want to give too many clues as to our location.


That being said, I realize that at any point he can find me if he really wants to. Between the Internet and private detectives (which he had following me on at least one occasion I have proof of, and one more I'm sure of but have no evidence to substantiate my suspicions) Well I know there's no way that I'll ever be totally safe.


I've taken the steps to keep myself and the girls safe. My rental is set up for an Alarm system, I just have to call and have it set it. I've received my concealed carry permit, taken my shooting lessons faithfully and I feel confident that if I HAD to I could defend us. Very soon I'll be changing all my phone numbers - home, cell, kid's cell numbers. The police and schools have our new restraining orders. And lastly I've broken off contact with my former in-laws for now.


I'm not proud of the explosive way I blew up on the phone, but it's like all the anger, fear, pain, resentment, and maternal outrage just burst out of me all at once. Once I started I couldn't hold back, and everything I've wanted to say for over a year came out in a loud, ugly tirade. While I might not be proud of my behavior I do recognize that it's an important break for all of us. I can't handle the anxiety of dealing with my in-laws, AND with the X's upcoming release from Prison.


One of the things I love, love, love about my BLT is that I feel so safe when we're together. When he holds me and plays with my hair I feel like nothing could hurt the girls or I. When he says that he would move heaven and earth to keep us safe I believe him. I just hope it never comes to that.


The best gift in the world would be my X deciding he never wanted anything to do with me again. Since it's been over a year and per his last letter my kids he is still thinking about me every hour of every day - well I don't have a lot of faith in his self control or common sense.


I know that my anxiety will increase until the X is released from prison. I know that no matter what I do I'm going to have to keep working on controlling my stress responses, to keep talking and working through my fear. I owe it to myself, to my kids, and to BLT as well. I don't want to let my fears push him away when I need him the most.

Getting What I Deserve

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” ~Maureen Dowd


Did you see that Ethel? This applies to both of us Love.


Doctor Feelgood - a.k.a. my therapist says that I have a case of self loathing going on. Its all wrapped up in my guilt over the way X found out about BLT, about the kids pain and all the drama and trauma they've gone through, and my own type A need for perfection.


Whew, that's a lot to deal with - drama, guilt, pain, and the need for perfection.... I'll be in therapy for years at this rate. I have a long history of accepting less than what I deserve, because I struggle with the idea that I actually DO deserve good things. I've never felt smart enough, or pretty enough, or talented enough. I settled for a marriage to someone I didn't really love because a part of me thought it was better to have someone, than to be alone... that it was the best I could ask for because I didn't deserve better.


I let him disrespect me. I let him call me bitch in front of my children. I let him get out of being a full time father so that I didn't make waves. I didn't leave when I knew I was never going to be happy with him - because a part of me didn't think I was able, or worthy of better.


So, I'm writing it down so that it's out there. I deserve happiness. I deserve love. I deserve to be trusted and to have someone I can put my trust in. I deserve better this time around, and I won't settle for less.


At some point I have to start letting go of the guilt especially. It's the one thing that holds me back the most, the one thing that makes me doubt myself. I made mistakes, but those mistakes do not have to define me. I don't have to punish myself, or expect less for myself because of them. What I struggle with the most is that I fell in love with another man at the end of difficult and self destructive marriage and I had an affair. It was not the reason for my divorce, but it was a symptom of the cancer in our marriage. And while I don't regret being with BLT, it is not a choice I would ever make again. At heart I'm a one man woman.


I'm honest about the affair. Once it was out in the open I didn't make excuses because I believe in taking responsibility for your choices. I've been drug through the mud, humiliated, belittled, gossipped about, and questioned more times than I can say. I lost respect, and I lost friendships. My X made it a point to tell his version of the facts to every friend, family member, neighbor, co-worker, and random stranger who would listen. He exaggerated, embellished, and manipulated. It was humiliating to have all my personal business out there for everyone's entertainment. For the love of God he even told our Schwan's delivery guy, the real estate agent who sold us our house, and people he met online.... and all of those are the consequences for my choices. I can live with that.


But I'm not going to keep letting him punish me forever, and I'm not going to keep punishing myself. If former friends no longer want to be in my life, then so be it. I personally do not judge my friends by their mistakes - but by how they respond and deal with them after the fact.


I'm going to keep working on accepting myself and letting go of the guilt. I'm going to start asking for what I want, and expecting good things to come into my life, and I'm going to work on believing that I deserve to be happy.

He said, "You're going to marry me someday"

Someday, maybe... maybe not.

Is it terrible that he can say something like that to me and my first response is..."well MAYBE, maybe someday...."

He loves me. He's so confident in our future together. It's me that has all the fears and the trepidation in regards to marriage. I mean really - it's not that shocking considering the fact that it was only 11 months ago that my X went bat shit crazy and tried to shoot me.

I'm so happy with the way things are at the moment. It feels right. The kids are happy, I'm loved and feel safe and satisfied in the relationship we have exactly as it is. I don't want to screw that up. He's of the opinion that living together is trying to have your cake and eat it too, and that if I'm committed to him then he wants the whole enchilada - rings, vows, and all. He's willing to wait until I'm on board, but he's sure it's going to happen. How can he be so sure? What if we are a horrible married couple? What if we suddenly feel trapped? What if we get bored of each other or the sex starts to suck?

He's never been married. I don't think he realizes how much control and how much of your yourself you give up when you take that step. It's not about how much I love him - because that is not in doubt for me at all. It's about not loosing myself ever again. I did that once, and it was the worst feeling of my life.

He wants to give the kids a "real" family. I want to show them that you don't have to do something just because its conventional. He wants to know I'm committed to him. I want him to accept that I'm his - good times or bad and we don't need a piece of paper from the state to prove it. He wants to take care of me. I want him to know I'm strong and able of taking care of myself.

Is he unrealistic? Am I too pessimistic? Is there a way to meet in the middle? I can honestly say that this is the first time in my adult life I feel that I'm truly in love. And I love him for all the right reasons - not out of fear of being alone, or a desire to have someone take care of me. It's not about looking for the "American Dream" or feeling pressured in any way. It's about me loving the person that he is, loving who we are as a couple. It's the fact that I'm a better person when he's around. He grounds me, makes me feel calm. I'm a better mother to my girls. It's about our chemistry together - amazing sex, open communication, and finding someone who understands me.

So if that's the case, why am I afraid? Does it mean there's something wrong that I can't admit to myself? I can't figure out why the idea of marrying this AMAZING, loving, strong, sexy, talented, respectful, hard working man of my dreams scares the snot out of me!

I thought we were okay...

I don't know what's going on. I'm so confused. BLT seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and he's been short with me and cranky all day.

I was going to take all of us out to have Mexican food for dinner and on the way home he said, "do you really think that's a good idea?" and he explained that he felt bitchy and cranky. So even though I'm exhausted I went to the store and picked stuff up, came home and made dinner. I brought in the groceries by myself, and he came down to inform me he was going to run to the store to get a beer.

Well that was an hour ago. No call to say where he's going or when he'll come back.

What the hell flew up his butt? What did I do? There's a part of me that's been waiting around, holding my breath for something like this to happen. For him to wake up one day and decide this is all just not worth it. I'm not worth it.... my kids are small hellions on occasion, and with one sick, one who's erupted into a snarky tween it's not always fun around here. I get that.

On one hand I can't blame him. I'm scared of my life some days, it's too much to handle for me, and I'm their mother, how can I expect ANYONE to want this?

Yesterday I felt so very loved and understood...today I'm just confused, and honestly I'm scared he's finally come to his senses. Add to that the weight I've gained recently and, well... I just feel like shit tonight.

The voice inside my head...

We all have one at some point in our lives. That nagging annoying little voice of doubt. The one that says, "you aren't worth it." "You aren't pretty enough." "He doesn't really want you, he got smart and moved on."

The BLT is going through a lot right now. Moving to a new place 45 minutes from his current house, his good friend dieing suddenly and the following memorial services / plans, his daughter, our relationship... just a lot to deal with emotionally. He's been a little distant this week, uncommunicative. He's not responding to texts with anything more than a short one line response. I asked him to call me... nothing yet today. I poured out my heart in a very long email and he didn't write back. He called me later that night and basically said; "I feel the same way you do, I hear what you're saying and I want all the same things. But I need patience from you so that I can get things moving on this end. That will take time."

I have to accept that this is not a fundamental problem with me. It's not that he doesn't love me anymore. He had a funeral today, he has friends over and I'm sure they are consoling each other in their time of grief. I wish I was there, I wish I had the ability to be the one he leaned on and talked to today. But I can't be there. For all I know he went and got piss faced drunk with all his buddies after the service and they are busy crying in their beer... I mean, to be honest, that's exactly what I would do.

So there is this part of me, the rational part, that understands his lack of communication this week is not about me, not about our relationship, not about his love for me.

Then the voice chimes in, "Oh ya... so why did he get so distant the day after he left here? I bet he didn't really like your kids or your family. I bet he decided you are SO not worth moving two states away to be with. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy and tell you that he hates your tiny, crappy duplex, and the rain, and hasta la vista baby."

It's tragically bad timing, that his friend died right before he came out to see me. That he has all this heavy emotional crap running amok in his life right now, and that all this shit happens right after we have these deep talks and I introduce him to my family. It's not me... it's not us... it's him processing his grief and the changes he's going through.

So why can't the rational part of my brain beat the shit out of that snarky little voice and shut it up?