Wanted:
One good man for my dear friend Ethel.
The appropriate applicant will be moderately handsome in a rugged way. No pretty boys need apply. (Why moderately handsome? Because you can't be so hound dog homely her girly bits dry up at the sight of you, and not so drop dead gorgeous that you think your God's gift to vaginas everywhere)
He will also be honest, funny but not at the expense of others and not in any way that could be showcased on the TV show "Jack Ass". This applicant will be gainfully employed, not living with his parents unless they are elderly and/or handicapped; because the former is creepy but the latter is sweet... understand the difference? Good! He will know how to balance a check book, cook an edible meal, and understands the reason for separating the colors from the whites when doing laundry.
Mr. Perfect must have an appreciation for a lush female form. He must worship her petite "plush-ness" and love her just the way she is - and yet enjoy various recreational activities which will encourage her to maintain her path towards optimal health and happiness.
If you are between the ages of 32 - 45 and meet the above qualifications please apply in person with Lucy. Gifts of chocolate and James Rollin's novels great appreciated, and flattery will get you everywhere. Please provide proof of employment and a clean STD panel from your doctor.
No cross dressers, liars, nail biters, drug addicts, or anyone who knows all the words to any Counting Crows song need apply.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
How about this...
My personal opinion on Valentine's Day is that I would MUCH rather have someone who is nice to me in little, sweet ways all the time than someone who waits and lets me know they love me once a year. Like some expensive piece of jewelry shaped like a heart makes up for all the times you said mean things, didn't follow through with your promises, and in general let me down.
My former husband was great at big, lavish, ass-kissing gestures once or twice a year. I guess he figured that was enough to keep him out of the dog house. Well it wasn't. Because you see the thing is he treated me like crap the rest of the year. He made these lavish gestures like diamond bracelets and then if I wasn't appreciative in the way he thought I should be, or if I didn't gush he would get mad. Gifts ALWAYS had strings attached, and towards the end of our marriage it got to the point where I didn't ask for anything - then I just told him NOT to give me gifts because I didn't like the games that came along with them.
Things with BLT are so different. I doubt he's gotten me anything for Valentines Day - he's been working a ton (and remember we work together so it's not like I don't know where he is all week LOL), and then he left and will be out of town on Monday. Honestly I am totally, 100% okay with that. He's staying home next week to take care of me after a minor surgical procedure. He is so kind in so many little ways on a daily basis that I don't feel the need for a token to prove it.
So I say the hell with this supposed "holiday". How about this... lets all spend the whole year making our significant others feel loved and appreciated and tell the jewelers and the chocolatiers to kiss our butts on February 14th!
My former husband was great at big, lavish, ass-kissing gestures once or twice a year. I guess he figured that was enough to keep him out of the dog house. Well it wasn't. Because you see the thing is he treated me like crap the rest of the year. He made these lavish gestures like diamond bracelets and then if I wasn't appreciative in the way he thought I should be, or if I didn't gush he would get mad. Gifts ALWAYS had strings attached, and towards the end of our marriage it got to the point where I didn't ask for anything - then I just told him NOT to give me gifts because I didn't like the games that came along with them.
Things with BLT are so different. I doubt he's gotten me anything for Valentines Day - he's been working a ton (and remember we work together so it's not like I don't know where he is all week LOL), and then he left and will be out of town on Monday. Honestly I am totally, 100% okay with that. He's staying home next week to take care of me after a minor surgical procedure. He is so kind in so many little ways on a daily basis that I don't feel the need for a token to prove it.
So I say the hell with this supposed "holiday". How about this... lets all spend the whole year making our significant others feel loved and appreciated and tell the jewelers and the chocolatiers to kiss our butts on February 14th!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
He Said, She Said
I met with Fred yesterday for breakfast. He wanted to explain his side of things, and we needed to clear the air.
It was interesting hearing his side of things. His perception of the events that lead up to their brief separation, and his view of the current situation is quite a bit different than mine, or Ethel's even. I don't think he realizes how his behavior is perceived by others. He's very much wrapped up in himself right now, which probably isn't uncommon in this situation. Unhappy people tend to focus on their own misery and not see how they've affected others. He is still a very angry person, still feeling persecuted on some level. There was a glimmer of acceptance that he did in fact do things on purpose to hurt Ethel emotionally, but it was almost as though he felt it was reactionary - as though Ethel "started it" and his behavior was proportional to her neediness. That also may be true. Ethel may not realize when she's asking more from him than he can give...she's an emotional creature by nature.
I still don't think he understands why his relationship with his "friend" in Arizona was wrong. Since it wasn't sexual he can't see that he was sharing a vital part of himself with someone else. My only answer to this was, "it was wrong...period. In a marriage you don't get to have "friendships" with people of the other sex if it makes your significant other uncomfortable. That's one of the sacrifices you make in a marriage, and you should be willing to do this." You just don't have a relationship of ANY kind and lie about the nature of that relationship to your spouse...period. The fact that he still doesn't seem to really get it is disconcerting.
Ethel on the other hand sees the situation differently. Her perception is that she's made a distinct effort NOT to pick and pry, not to be needy, and not to push him to talk when they aren't in therapy. Her view of their interactions is different in many ways. So where is the middle ground there? I suppose that's why you seek help from a professional therapist. I can't see how you get from here to there and both come out unscathed?
How do you rebuild trust, much less love and affection when there is no middle ground in common? What about intimacy? Fred hinted that their personal life was severely lacking...which I didn't bother to address other than to say, "well we're women, you can't expect us to flip a switch like that. Sexuality and intimacy and safety and respect are all tied up together. When you start fixing the broken things in your marriage that will work itself out in time." I know in my own case that aspect of my marriage had died out long before I left my marriage. It was a symptom of the sickness growing within our relationship. I guess it's a slow process. Ethel said that she understands that it didn't take a month to create these issues, so it won't take a month to resolve them... it's a long, arduous process. Does Fred understand his too?
I'm not sure I would have it in me. I know in my case I stayed in my marriage as long as I could and then I was just done. By the time I was ready to throw in the towel my marriage was too far gone, therapy wasn't an option. I didn't hate him, I didn't feel anything at all towards him. At least with hate there's some kind of emotion there... there is no recovery from total apathy.
At least both Ethel and Fred professed love for each other, so there is some kind of emotion there to build on. I hope they figure this out, or if they can't fix it that they have the strength to walk away and treat each other with respect. It's an awfully big job. I just want them both to be happy, with or without each other.
It was interesting hearing his side of things. His perception of the events that lead up to their brief separation, and his view of the current situation is quite a bit different than mine, or Ethel's even. I don't think he realizes how his behavior is perceived by others. He's very much wrapped up in himself right now, which probably isn't uncommon in this situation. Unhappy people tend to focus on their own misery and not see how they've affected others. He is still a very angry person, still feeling persecuted on some level. There was a glimmer of acceptance that he did in fact do things on purpose to hurt Ethel emotionally, but it was almost as though he felt it was reactionary - as though Ethel "started it" and his behavior was proportional to her neediness. That also may be true. Ethel may not realize when she's asking more from him than he can give...she's an emotional creature by nature.
I still don't think he understands why his relationship with his "friend" in Arizona was wrong. Since it wasn't sexual he can't see that he was sharing a vital part of himself with someone else. My only answer to this was, "it was wrong...period. In a marriage you don't get to have "friendships" with people of the other sex if it makes your significant other uncomfortable. That's one of the sacrifices you make in a marriage, and you should be willing to do this." You just don't have a relationship of ANY kind and lie about the nature of that relationship to your spouse...period. The fact that he still doesn't seem to really get it is disconcerting.
Ethel on the other hand sees the situation differently. Her perception is that she's made a distinct effort NOT to pick and pry, not to be needy, and not to push him to talk when they aren't in therapy. Her view of their interactions is different in many ways. So where is the middle ground there? I suppose that's why you seek help from a professional therapist. I can't see how you get from here to there and both come out unscathed?
How do you rebuild trust, much less love and affection when there is no middle ground in common? What about intimacy? Fred hinted that their personal life was severely lacking...which I didn't bother to address other than to say, "well we're women, you can't expect us to flip a switch like that. Sexuality and intimacy and safety and respect are all tied up together. When you start fixing the broken things in your marriage that will work itself out in time." I know in my own case that aspect of my marriage had died out long before I left my marriage. It was a symptom of the sickness growing within our relationship. I guess it's a slow process. Ethel said that she understands that it didn't take a month to create these issues, so it won't take a month to resolve them... it's a long, arduous process. Does Fred understand his too?
I'm not sure I would have it in me. I know in my case I stayed in my marriage as long as I could and then I was just done. By the time I was ready to throw in the towel my marriage was too far gone, therapy wasn't an option. I didn't hate him, I didn't feel anything at all towards him. At least with hate there's some kind of emotion there... there is no recovery from total apathy.
At least both Ethel and Fred professed love for each other, so there is some kind of emotion there to build on. I hope they figure this out, or if they can't fix it that they have the strength to walk away and treat each other with respect. It's an awfully big job. I just want them both to be happy, with or without each other.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Gonna have to let it go...
** Ethel this post is about you and Fred, and is not meant to be hurtful, but I'll give you heads up that I'm expressing some honest emotion here, so feel free to skip it if you would like. I won't be offended and neither should you as I'm just musing here and working things out in my head. **
______________________________________________________
I've had a lot of issues rumbling around inside my head in the past twenty-four hours. It appears that Ethel's husband, Fred, has decided to unfriend me in Facebook. Apparently he feels like we're no longer friends. After nearly 20 years we're not friends? Because why? Because I don't agree with his choices and behavior? I understand that as friends, as humans, we don't always agree... we don't always understand each other and we are not always going to get along. That doesn't mean I would force him out of my life. Why? Well because I don't think it's reasonable or mature. Why does this bother me? Should it matter? How does or doesn't this effect my relationship with Ethel?
One part of me says that you just don't do this. You just don't alienate the closest friend of your spouse. Especially when the general opinion of you over the past six months is that you're a disrespectful, bullying jerk who's treated your wife like crap.. I mean really... is alienating me the best way to make yourself appear more understanding and reasonable? Me thinks not. Another part of me feels like it's his right to be friends, in real life and via social media with whomever he wants.
I am not one of those friends that will lie to you, or pat you on the back and say, "oh gee it's okay if you've had emotional affairs. It's alright if you've lied to your wife over and over and spent years being selfish and disrespectful. No problem buddy...as long as you say you won't do it again, all is well." I will be honest with you if I think you've been mistreating my friend. However I AM the kind of friend who believes that actions speak louder than words, and that redemption is possible if you want it hard enough. I AM the kind of friend who will allow you to come to my home for Thanksgiving dinner, even when you've been hurting my friend because it's in the best interest of your kids...and because in all honesty she chose you, for some reason she wants you, and because you guys are a family.
I let him come to Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I bought a gift card for him for Christmas and sent it home with Ethel (he was at work) so that he didn't feel as though I was upset with him and feel left out. I have not yelled, been rude, nor have I expressed any of my private opinions to him. In fact, since Ethel came clean about letting him move back home after she kicked him out I haven't said one word about him one way or another.
Ethel and Fred have to figure out their own relationship. It's none of my business. My goal is for Ethel to be happy, to be healthy, and to be treated with respect. I don't ask for details because it doesn't matter what I think. Ethel chose him, and some part of their relationship obviously works for her - and that's all that matters.
So why the hell does her husband have to treat me so rudely? After almost 20 years he has the nerve to think we're not friends because I didn't lie to him and blow sunshine up his ass when he was behaving so poorly? What right does he have to be offended because I reacted in a negative way to HIS behavior and choices? I mean really? You make horrible choices that hurt the people around you and then you get offended when someone doesn't just roll over like an obedient dog and lavish you with praise and forgiveness because you convince your wife to take you back?
How will this effect my relationship with Ethel? As it is I was horribly uncomfortable on Saturday when we spent the day carpooling to a friends party and back. Obviously if her husband has decided we're no longer on speaking terms then I can't, and won't, ask about what's going on between them. If we're not friends then I'm not welcome in their home, and in turn they won't feel comfortable coming to mine...so where does that leave us? This is all ridiculous beyond belief. All these years of friendship tossed aside like so much trash... and for what?
I'm honestly not sure where we go from here... I can't explain how hurt my feelings are. I assumed that with enough time he would redeem himself in my eyes when I saw him making an effort to treat Ethel with love, respect, and kindness. Now? I don't know where we stand or what will happen. It's not like Ethel is going to choose our friendship over her husband. I totally would never expect that. I'm so conflicted about this.
______________________________________________________
I've had a lot of issues rumbling around inside my head in the past twenty-four hours. It appears that Ethel's husband, Fred, has decided to unfriend me in Facebook. Apparently he feels like we're no longer friends. After nearly 20 years we're not friends? Because why? Because I don't agree with his choices and behavior? I understand that as friends, as humans, we don't always agree... we don't always understand each other and we are not always going to get along. That doesn't mean I would force him out of my life. Why? Well because I don't think it's reasonable or mature. Why does this bother me? Should it matter? How does or doesn't this effect my relationship with Ethel?
One part of me says that you just don't do this. You just don't alienate the closest friend of your spouse. Especially when the general opinion of you over the past six months is that you're a disrespectful, bullying jerk who's treated your wife like crap.. I mean really... is alienating me the best way to make yourself appear more understanding and reasonable? Me thinks not. Another part of me feels like it's his right to be friends, in real life and via social media with whomever he wants.
I am not one of those friends that will lie to you, or pat you on the back and say, "oh gee it's okay if you've had emotional affairs. It's alright if you've lied to your wife over and over and spent years being selfish and disrespectful. No problem buddy...as long as you say you won't do it again, all is well." I will be honest with you if I think you've been mistreating my friend. However I AM the kind of friend who believes that actions speak louder than words, and that redemption is possible if you want it hard enough. I AM the kind of friend who will allow you to come to my home for Thanksgiving dinner, even when you've been hurting my friend because it's in the best interest of your kids...and because in all honesty she chose you, for some reason she wants you, and because you guys are a family.
I let him come to Thanksgiving dinner at my house. I bought a gift card for him for Christmas and sent it home with Ethel (he was at work) so that he didn't feel as though I was upset with him and feel left out. I have not yelled, been rude, nor have I expressed any of my private opinions to him. In fact, since Ethel came clean about letting him move back home after she kicked him out I haven't said one word about him one way or another.
Ethel and Fred have to figure out their own relationship. It's none of my business. My goal is for Ethel to be happy, to be healthy, and to be treated with respect. I don't ask for details because it doesn't matter what I think. Ethel chose him, and some part of their relationship obviously works for her - and that's all that matters.
So why the hell does her husband have to treat me so rudely? After almost 20 years he has the nerve to think we're not friends because I didn't lie to him and blow sunshine up his ass when he was behaving so poorly? What right does he have to be offended because I reacted in a negative way to HIS behavior and choices? I mean really? You make horrible choices that hurt the people around you and then you get offended when someone doesn't just roll over like an obedient dog and lavish you with praise and forgiveness because you convince your wife to take you back?
How will this effect my relationship with Ethel? As it is I was horribly uncomfortable on Saturday when we spent the day carpooling to a friends party and back. Obviously if her husband has decided we're no longer on speaking terms then I can't, and won't, ask about what's going on between them. If we're not friends then I'm not welcome in their home, and in turn they won't feel comfortable coming to mine...so where does that leave us? This is all ridiculous beyond belief. All these years of friendship tossed aside like so much trash... and for what?
I'm honestly not sure where we go from here... I can't explain how hurt my feelings are. I assumed that with enough time he would redeem himself in my eyes when I saw him making an effort to treat Ethel with love, respect, and kindness. Now? I don't know where we stand or what will happen. It's not like Ethel is going to choose our friendship over her husband. I totally would never expect that. I'm so conflicted about this.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
I get so angry on your behalf...
I know you're sad.
I know you're hurting and you want to try and save your marriage.
I know that you're self esteem has been beaten and battered down so hard that you can't see your own beauty and worth.
I know you want to trust him, even though he has done nothing over the past decade to deserve that trust.
But what I know more than anything else is that you deserve better. I get so pissed off when he hurts you. I get so angry that he makes you feel like you're crazy. I don't believe his stories, I don't believe he treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I don't believe this is healthy for any of you. I worry about your children and the example they see of how people in a relationship treat each other.
I worry that you still sleep with him, knowing he may not be faithful to you. Even if it's just emotional affairs (which I don't believe, it's more than that). He hurts you, and you still give that part of yourself to him. I can't even fathom that this is healthy for you.
I love you.
I support you.
I'm here for you in every way. Be strong. Believe in yourself. Lean on me.
I know you're hurting and you want to try and save your marriage.
I know that you're self esteem has been beaten and battered down so hard that you can't see your own beauty and worth.
I know you want to trust him, even though he has done nothing over the past decade to deserve that trust.
But what I know more than anything else is that you deserve better. I get so pissed off when he hurts you. I get so angry that he makes you feel like you're crazy. I don't believe his stories, I don't believe he treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I don't believe this is healthy for any of you. I worry about your children and the example they see of how people in a relationship treat each other.
I worry that you still sleep with him, knowing he may not be faithful to you. Even if it's just emotional affairs (which I don't believe, it's more than that). He hurts you, and you still give that part of yourself to him. I can't even fathom that this is healthy for you.
I love you.
I support you.
I'm here for you in every way. Be strong. Believe in yourself. Lean on me.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
He said, "You're going to marry me someday"
Someday, maybe... maybe not.
Is it terrible that he can say something like that to me and my first response is..."well MAYBE, maybe someday...."
He loves me. He's so confident in our future together. It's me that has all the fears and the trepidation in regards to marriage. I mean really - it's not that shocking considering the fact that it was only 11 months ago that my X went bat shit crazy and tried to shoot me.
Is it terrible that he can say something like that to me and my first response is..."well MAYBE, maybe someday...."
He loves me. He's so confident in our future together. It's me that has all the fears and the trepidation in regards to marriage. I mean really - it's not that shocking considering the fact that it was only 11 months ago that my X went bat shit crazy and tried to shoot me.
I'm so happy with the way things are at the moment. It feels right. The kids are happy, I'm loved and feel safe and satisfied in the relationship we have exactly as it is. I don't want to screw that up. He's of the opinion that living together is trying to have your cake and eat it too, and that if I'm committed to him then he wants the whole enchilada - rings, vows, and all. He's willing to wait until I'm on board, but he's sure it's going to happen. How can he be so sure? What if we are a horrible married couple? What if we suddenly feel trapped? What if we get bored of each other or the sex starts to suck?
He's never been married. I don't think he realizes how much control and how much of your yourself you give up when you take that step. It's not about how much I love him - because that is not in doubt for me at all. It's about not loosing myself ever again. I did that once, and it was the worst feeling of my life.
He wants to give the kids a "real" family. I want to show them that you don't have to do something just because its conventional. He wants to know I'm committed to him. I want him to accept that I'm his - good times or bad and we don't need a piece of paper from the state to prove it. He wants to take care of me. I want him to know I'm strong and able of taking care of myself.
Is he unrealistic? Am I too pessimistic? Is there a way to meet in the middle? I can honestly say that this is the first time in my adult life I feel that I'm truly in love. And I love him for all the right reasons - not out of fear of being alone, or a desire to have someone take care of me. It's not about looking for the "American Dream" or feeling pressured in any way. It's about me loving the person that he is, loving who we are as a couple. It's the fact that I'm a better person when he's around. He grounds me, makes me feel calm. I'm a better mother to my girls. It's about our chemistry together - amazing sex, open communication, and finding someone who understands me.
So if that's the case, why am I afraid? Does it mean there's something wrong that I can't admit to myself? I can't figure out why the idea of marrying this AMAZING, loving, strong, sexy, talented, respectful, hard working man of my dreams scares the snot out of me!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I'm Growing...
BTL asked me if he could hang a framed concert poster in our bedroom. It's one of his favorite things. A vintage Bowie poster he's had forever.
The old me would say, "what about my shabby chic decor screams David Bowie to you?"
The new me, the one that loves him dearly and wants him in my life says, "of course baby, where do you want to put it?"
It's gonna look GREAT with my black and white photograph of the Eiffel Tower and my vintage framed needlepoint roses, lol...but I'm keeping this sentiment to myself.
Baby steps.... baby steps....
The old me would say, "what about my shabby chic decor screams David Bowie to you?"
The new me, the one that loves him dearly and wants him in my life says, "of course baby, where do you want to put it?"
It's gonna look GREAT with my black and white photograph of the Eiffel Tower and my vintage framed needlepoint roses, lol...but I'm keeping this sentiment to myself.
Baby steps.... baby steps....
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Our sexy, swanky weekend
I've been trying to think of something special to do for BLT. He is a musician, and a huge Sinatra fan, so when I heard Steve Tyrell was playing at Jazz Alley I knew I had to get tickets. His bio listed him as "a Grammy award winning, Sinatra-esque style" performer.
What a PERFECT evening. The music was amazing, and the venue so intimate and sexy it was impossible not to leave there feeling romantic. Dim lights, small tables set around the stage, amazing food and wines, impeccable service, and a cool jazz club vibe that lent itself to hushed conversation and long, knowing glances.
There wasn't a bad seat in the house, but we lucked out and got the best seats available in my opinion. We ended up center stage, four tables back from the stage. Not so close you had to crane your neck to watch, but close enough to feel like he was singing to you alone. There wasn't anything distracting or tacky going on either. Just a stage with a mic, a base player, guitarist, and a pianist on a baby grand piano. Intimate is really the only word to describe it.
We enjoyed our drinks and dinner before the show, then shared a decadent chocolate dessert during the performance. Afterwards we walked back to our hotel in the warm night air, taking our time and holding hands. Just sort of lingering in the moment. When we got back BLT gave me a special gift he picked out for me. Small, lovely ruby stud earrings. Nothing extravagant, it's not his style - but something beautiful and special that he picked out just for me. He knows me so well, and I adore them.
We spent the rest of the evening, and into the early morning hours loving each other, making promises and saying, with words and without, all the things we needed to say. We slept in late, walked to our favorite cafe for breakfast and headed back into town to get the kids.
I don't think I've ever had such an amazing weekend. It was everything I was hoping for, and I can't think of anyone I would rather have shared the experience with.
What a PERFECT evening. The music was amazing, and the venue so intimate and sexy it was impossible not to leave there feeling romantic. Dim lights, small tables set around the stage, amazing food and wines, impeccable service, and a cool jazz club vibe that lent itself to hushed conversation and long, knowing glances.
There wasn't a bad seat in the house, but we lucked out and got the best seats available in my opinion. We ended up center stage, four tables back from the stage. Not so close you had to crane your neck to watch, but close enough to feel like he was singing to you alone. There wasn't anything distracting or tacky going on either. Just a stage with a mic, a base player, guitarist, and a pianist on a baby grand piano. Intimate is really the only word to describe it.
We enjoyed our drinks and dinner before the show, then shared a decadent chocolate dessert during the performance. Afterwards we walked back to our hotel in the warm night air, taking our time and holding hands. Just sort of lingering in the moment. When we got back BLT gave me a special gift he picked out for me. Small, lovely ruby stud earrings. Nothing extravagant, it's not his style - but something beautiful and special that he picked out just for me. He knows me so well, and I adore them.
We spent the rest of the evening, and into the early morning hours loving each other, making promises and saying, with words and without, all the things we needed to say. We slept in late, walked to our favorite cafe for breakfast and headed back into town to get the kids.
I don't think I've ever had such an amazing weekend. It was everything I was hoping for, and I can't think of anyone I would rather have shared the experience with.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Men and Woman Do NOT Speak the Same Language!
Wow... maybe that whole "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing has some merit. Last night on the drive home from work BLT says that he's thinking of taking a drive. From there on we had an evening that was one big, giant miscommunication.
As I mentioned he was acting like some kind of bug flew up his ass, and he was short with the kids and with me. I went to the store, he apparently came upstairs and took a nap. Once I got home and got the kids fed he came down and said he was going to get a beer.
That turned into him disappearing for two hours, no call, no nothing. I jumped to the conclusion that he was unhappy. I took his disappearance and his mood personally. All the signs I were reading lead me to believe I had done something wrong and he was angry with me, or the kids, or simple just regretting his decision to move here with us.
In man land he felt like he had already told me he wanted a drive, so when he went for a beer he decided to drive for awhile first. He didn't turn on his phone because the point of a long drive for him is to be left alone so he can decompress and work stuff out in his head. It didn't occur to him that I was sitting at home wondering if he hit a deer and was in a ditch someplace, or that he found some hot little (childless) thing to spend the evening with and he was trying to figure out how to tell me he wasn't coming home! (Insecurity is NOT sexy, I know this. Trust me, I hate myself for feeling this way from time to time...)
I think part of my insecurity about BLT deciding I'm not worth it comes from my X. When we were splitting he asked me if I knew what I wanted. I told him I wanted someone who was happy with his life, who was interesting and fun, and had a rich life he wanted to share with me... not someone who needed me to make him happy. My X looked at me and said, "why would someone like that want to share their life with YOU?" and you know what, that was the way he always made me feel. He never made me feel smart, or sexy, or worthwhile. It's like he wanted me feel thankful that he was willing to put up with me despite my shortcomings. There's a part of me, no matter how hard I try, that still feels like that sometimes. Like I'm not smart enough, or funny enough, or sexy enough for BLT to stick around.
So he comes home, sees me seething at my computer and asks me what's wrong. He's honestly confused, which kind of just makes me more upset. So I do that girl thing... I say, "nothing, everything is just fine" but I don't mean it, and he knows it.
Long story short... after about an hour of conversation he explains his side, I tell him I can't take it if he just disappears, he has to tell me, give me a basic timeline like; "Baby, I'm going for a drive to cool off, I'll be back in an hour or two. Don't worry if I don't answer my phone." I can deal with that, I can understand a need to be alone. I won't worry if I know you're coming home soon.
I explained my fears, he held me. He said the right things... he always says the right things. He loves me, he likes the kids. It's just an adjustment for him and he needs some quiet. He's used to being alone, and this is a busy, noisy house...something very new for him. He apologized and we both promised to be better at communicating with each other. The only thing he asked of me was that I never say things are fine when they aren't.
He would rather have me yell at him than be fake. I can deal with that.
As I mentioned he was acting like some kind of bug flew up his ass, and he was short with the kids and with me. I went to the store, he apparently came upstairs and took a nap. Once I got home and got the kids fed he came down and said he was going to get a beer.
That turned into him disappearing for two hours, no call, no nothing. I jumped to the conclusion that he was unhappy. I took his disappearance and his mood personally. All the signs I were reading lead me to believe I had done something wrong and he was angry with me, or the kids, or simple just regretting his decision to move here with us.
In man land he felt like he had already told me he wanted a drive, so when he went for a beer he decided to drive for awhile first. He didn't turn on his phone because the point of a long drive for him is to be left alone so he can decompress and work stuff out in his head. It didn't occur to him that I was sitting at home wondering if he hit a deer and was in a ditch someplace, or that he found some hot little (childless) thing to spend the evening with and he was trying to figure out how to tell me he wasn't coming home! (Insecurity is NOT sexy, I know this. Trust me, I hate myself for feeling this way from time to time...)
I think part of my insecurity about BLT deciding I'm not worth it comes from my X. When we were splitting he asked me if I knew what I wanted. I told him I wanted someone who was happy with his life, who was interesting and fun, and had a rich life he wanted to share with me... not someone who needed me to make him happy. My X looked at me and said, "why would someone like that want to share their life with YOU?" and you know what, that was the way he always made me feel. He never made me feel smart, or sexy, or worthwhile. It's like he wanted me feel thankful that he was willing to put up with me despite my shortcomings. There's a part of me, no matter how hard I try, that still feels like that sometimes. Like I'm not smart enough, or funny enough, or sexy enough for BLT to stick around.
So he comes home, sees me seething at my computer and asks me what's wrong. He's honestly confused, which kind of just makes me more upset. So I do that girl thing... I say, "nothing, everything is just fine" but I don't mean it, and he knows it.
Long story short... after about an hour of conversation he explains his side, I tell him I can't take it if he just disappears, he has to tell me, give me a basic timeline like; "Baby, I'm going for a drive to cool off, I'll be back in an hour or two. Don't worry if I don't answer my phone." I can deal with that, I can understand a need to be alone. I won't worry if I know you're coming home soon.
I explained my fears, he held me. He said the right things... he always says the right things. He loves me, he likes the kids. It's just an adjustment for him and he needs some quiet. He's used to being alone, and this is a busy, noisy house...something very new for him. He apologized and we both promised to be better at communicating with each other. The only thing he asked of me was that I never say things are fine when they aren't.
He would rather have me yell at him than be fake. I can deal with that.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I thought we were okay...
I don't know what's going on. I'm so confused. BLT seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and he's been short with me and cranky all day.
I was going to take all of us out to have Mexican food for dinner and on the way home he said, "do you really think that's a good idea?" and he explained that he felt bitchy and cranky. So even though I'm exhausted I went to the store and picked stuff up, came home and made dinner. I brought in the groceries by myself, and he came down to inform me he was going to run to the store to get a beer.
Well that was an hour ago. No call to say where he's going or when he'll come back.
What the hell flew up his butt? What did I do? There's a part of me that's been waiting around, holding my breath for something like this to happen. For him to wake up one day and decide this is all just not worth it. I'm not worth it.... my kids are small hellions on occasion, and with one sick, one who's erupted into a snarky tween it's not always fun around here. I get that.
On one hand I can't blame him. I'm scared of my life some days, it's too much to handle for me, and I'm their mother, how can I expect ANYONE to want this?
Yesterday I felt so very loved and understood...today I'm just confused, and honestly I'm scared he's finally come to his senses. Add to that the weight I've gained recently and, well... I just feel like shit tonight.
I was going to take all of us out to have Mexican food for dinner and on the way home he said, "do you really think that's a good idea?" and he explained that he felt bitchy and cranky. So even though I'm exhausted I went to the store and picked stuff up, came home and made dinner. I brought in the groceries by myself, and he came down to inform me he was going to run to the store to get a beer.
Well that was an hour ago. No call to say where he's going or when he'll come back.
What the hell flew up his butt? What did I do? There's a part of me that's been waiting around, holding my breath for something like this to happen. For him to wake up one day and decide this is all just not worth it. I'm not worth it.... my kids are small hellions on occasion, and with one sick, one who's erupted into a snarky tween it's not always fun around here. I get that.
On one hand I can't blame him. I'm scared of my life some days, it's too much to handle for me, and I'm their mother, how can I expect ANYONE to want this?
Yesterday I felt so very loved and understood...today I'm just confused, and honestly I'm scared he's finally come to his senses. Add to that the weight I've gained recently and, well... I just feel like shit tonight.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Time spent apart
I think it's a good thing. It's a healthy thing. I made it clear to BLT that the one thing I've discovered about myself this past year is that I need a certain amount of "me" time. I didn't realize how much I need time alone, or with my girlfriends, out of the house and away from the kids.
I told him that I love him, and that I'm loving the fact that he's here, but that I went more than ten years being told I was selfish or being punished with small cruelties whenever I wanted time away from my X - or God Forbid - away from my children. I need my personal time, and I'll take it now and then. I'm a healthier, happier me. I'm a better mom, and a more interesting person when I get some relaxation and girl time away from the house and kids.
What I love is that BLT totally understands this. He agrees, and he told me pretty much the same thing; that he needs time alone and will be taking it when the mood strikes. That we can consult each other, and be considerate of each other's schedules - but neither one of us is asking for permission.
So today I walked a 5K with my girlfriends and then had a fun lunch before picking up the kids from their Grandparent's house - and BLT took a long drive up to the mountains to the local state park for a nice hike and some photography of the area. We both did our own thing, and we had a great time. We came home very close to the same time eager to share our day with each other. We swapped stories and photos, made dinner, got the kids settled for the night and snuggled down into bed for some "us" time which lead to some very satisfying sex.
It feels so comfortable and exciting at the same time that I can have this kind of relationship. That I can have time to myself without being accused of selfishness. That someone is eager to come home to me to share news of their day. That someone understand my needs, and has similar ones of their own. It feels really good to come home to him.
I told him that I love him, and that I'm loving the fact that he's here, but that I went more than ten years being told I was selfish or being punished with small cruelties whenever I wanted time away from my X - or God Forbid - away from my children. I need my personal time, and I'll take it now and then. I'm a healthier, happier me. I'm a better mom, and a more interesting person when I get some relaxation and girl time away from the house and kids.
What I love is that BLT totally understands this. He agrees, and he told me pretty much the same thing; that he needs time alone and will be taking it when the mood strikes. That we can consult each other, and be considerate of each other's schedules - but neither one of us is asking for permission.
So today I walked a 5K with my girlfriends and then had a fun lunch before picking up the kids from their Grandparent's house - and BLT took a long drive up to the mountains to the local state park for a nice hike and some photography of the area. We both did our own thing, and we had a great time. We came home very close to the same time eager to share our day with each other. We swapped stories and photos, made dinner, got the kids settled for the night and snuggled down into bed for some "us" time which lead to some very satisfying sex.
It feels so comfortable and exciting at the same time that I can have this kind of relationship. That I can have time to myself without being accused of selfishness. That someone is eager to come home to me to share news of their day. That someone understand my needs, and has similar ones of their own. It feels really good to come home to him.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Letting go
I have to learn to let go of all the negative feelings I have left over from my previous relationship, IE disastrous marriage.
Sunshine was right... one hundred percent. I was more upset than I needed to be. This wasn't about him doing something purposeful to hurt me. He wasn't trying to insult me, and his ego was bruised in this whole thing as well.
I reacted so negatively, instead of seeing the humor in the situation, because in my marriage I wasn't desired. I wasn't appreciated, I wasn't treated as though my company was anything more than a convenience, and doing so made me insecure about my sexuality and made me feel like nobody would ever truly desire me. All these horrible insecurities came rushing back, and I felt so unwanted. It's such a terrible feeling.
But I realize it's not a feeling caused by BLT. He didn't do anything to cause those doubts, he has never made me feel unwanted, or undesirable - in fact the exact opposite.
It was an off night. We've worked long hours this past week. We've driven hundreds of miles picking him up a new car and getting things done for the kids and the house. We've just been emotionally and physically spent and it was bad timing on our part to try and make love so late at night.
So, I'm letting it go. I'm going to recognize where the hurt comes from. Acknowledge it but don't let it continue to effect our relationship. We discussed it, he's apologized and done what he can to reassure me that he wants me, in every facet of the word. That he wants me sexually, that he wants my company, he wants to share my home and be a part of my life... and that in NO way was last night about anything other than being exhausted.
So this is me...letting go. Not letting the way my X treated me effect my new relationship. I know that there will be issues from time to time. I have to accept that who I am, all my past experiences both good and bad make up the person that he loves. And I know in my heart that he loves me just as I am, and that he accepts me flaws and all.
My hope is that in time, all the good ways he treats me will change the way I feel about myself. It will replace all the negative ways I see myself and I'll be less insecure. I have faith that time is all it will take. He's a good man, and I love him.
Sunshine was right... one hundred percent. I was more upset than I needed to be. This wasn't about him doing something purposeful to hurt me. He wasn't trying to insult me, and his ego was bruised in this whole thing as well.
I reacted so negatively, instead of seeing the humor in the situation, because in my marriage I wasn't desired. I wasn't appreciated, I wasn't treated as though my company was anything more than a convenience, and doing so made me insecure about my sexuality and made me feel like nobody would ever truly desire me. All these horrible insecurities came rushing back, and I felt so unwanted. It's such a terrible feeling.
But I realize it's not a feeling caused by BLT. He didn't do anything to cause those doubts, he has never made me feel unwanted, or undesirable - in fact the exact opposite.
It was an off night. We've worked long hours this past week. We've driven hundreds of miles picking him up a new car and getting things done for the kids and the house. We've just been emotionally and physically spent and it was bad timing on our part to try and make love so late at night.
So, I'm letting it go. I'm going to recognize where the hurt comes from. Acknowledge it but don't let it continue to effect our relationship. We discussed it, he's apologized and done what he can to reassure me that he wants me, in every facet of the word. That he wants me sexually, that he wants my company, he wants to share my home and be a part of my life... and that in NO way was last night about anything other than being exhausted.
So this is me...letting go. Not letting the way my X treated me effect my new relationship. I know that there will be issues from time to time. I have to accept that who I am, all my past experiences both good and bad make up the person that he loves. And I know in my heart that he loves me just as I am, and that he accepts me flaws and all.
My hope is that in time, all the good ways he treats me will change the way I feel about myself. It will replace all the negative ways I see myself and I'll be less insecure. I have faith that time is all it will take. He's a good man, and I love him.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Tend your own garden please....
I'm a little heartbroken today. The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of changes. For the most part they've all been wonderful, welcome, and wanted.
However hanging over all of these new adventures and opportunities is a dark cloud. My father is very concerned for me and the kids. I understand this, I accept that he is doing his "daddy job" and trying to protect me. But I'm a grown woman, I'll make my own decisions, and if this is a mistake it's MY mistake to make. I've shared my personal fears and hopes and dreams with my former sister in law during all of this, whom I had always considered one of my closest friends and allies.
Well today she stabbed me in the back in the worst way. She broke my heart a little to be honest. My mother called today to let me know that I can't talk to J anymore. She doesn't have my best interest at heart and she's trying to sabotage me. Apparently yesterday J (who works for my families business part time on the weekends for extra money) got my father all worked up in a tizzy. She told him personal things I had confided in her. She pushed all his buttons and it was like poking a hornet's nest with a stick. There has been major fall out.
I always new J was bitter about her disastrous love life but I never knew she would let that poison our relationship. In the span of five years she has been divorced twice. Once from my brother, and again from the man she married less than a year after knowing him. She is in "man hater" mode these days, looking for evil intentions in every act, having no faith in men in general. I told her, "I believe in love, I believe in marriage. I believe the right two people can be happy together."
Her exact words to me were, "well I hope everything works out for you, but I have very little faith that it will" Well that in turn became her telling my father that BLT has no business moving here. That my parents were foolish to hire him. That it is a disaster waiting to happen, that my children are in danger, that I'm in "la la land" and calling BLT my "boy toy" basically feeding into all my father's fears for the girls and I. It doesn't matter how I feel, or what our history is... she pulled no punches.
She meddled in my life, in things that are none of her business. She caused a huge fight between my father and my mother, a screaming match apparently and she just stood back with a vile little smile on her face. My mother's stance is that I'm a grown woman and she trusts me, that it's none of her business and she is here to support me no matter what. My dad wants her to take his side, to stand by his prude, outdated moral stance.
Why would she do that? What benefit is it to her? What does J gain by trying to ruin what small amount of happiness I've managed to find?
She told my parents that she doesn't think they had an business helping me when I got divorced or when the X came to my house with a gun and went to jail. "Nobody ever helped me, I had to do it all alone." WTF??? She did not! She gets child support from my brother every month. She got help from my former in laws who treated her like extended family, she had my parents giving my brother extra cash so that he could buy her out of her share of their house. Directly and indirectly she got plenty of help...she still does. I've watched her children for her, and helped her in any number of other ways.
Why would she do this? I just don't understand. Why is my personal life open for their discussion and involvement anyway? What gives either of them the right? Why can't they just be happy for me?
I shed more than a few tears today... I'm so confused and hurt. I want to confront her, but really... what would I gain? I have trust issues to begin with. I should know better. I don't share, I don't talk to people, I keep my problems and my fears and my feeling to myself with the exception of about three people, well now two people. I should never have opened up to her... lesson learned. Trust no one. Tend your own garden. Don't give anyone the ammunition to hurt you.
Thanks for the hard cold lesson J. It won't be forgotten.
However hanging over all of these new adventures and opportunities is a dark cloud. My father is very concerned for me and the kids. I understand this, I accept that he is doing his "daddy job" and trying to protect me. But I'm a grown woman, I'll make my own decisions, and if this is a mistake it's MY mistake to make. I've shared my personal fears and hopes and dreams with my former sister in law during all of this, whom I had always considered one of my closest friends and allies.
Well today she stabbed me in the back in the worst way. She broke my heart a little to be honest. My mother called today to let me know that I can't talk to J anymore. She doesn't have my best interest at heart and she's trying to sabotage me. Apparently yesterday J (who works for my families business part time on the weekends for extra money) got my father all worked up in a tizzy. She told him personal things I had confided in her. She pushed all his buttons and it was like poking a hornet's nest with a stick. There has been major fall out.
I always new J was bitter about her disastrous love life but I never knew she would let that poison our relationship. In the span of five years she has been divorced twice. Once from my brother, and again from the man she married less than a year after knowing him. She is in "man hater" mode these days, looking for evil intentions in every act, having no faith in men in general. I told her, "I believe in love, I believe in marriage. I believe the right two people can be happy together."
Her exact words to me were, "well I hope everything works out for you, but I have very little faith that it will" Well that in turn became her telling my father that BLT has no business moving here. That my parents were foolish to hire him. That it is a disaster waiting to happen, that my children are in danger, that I'm in "la la land" and calling BLT my "boy toy" basically feeding into all my father's fears for the girls and I. It doesn't matter how I feel, or what our history is... she pulled no punches.
She meddled in my life, in things that are none of her business. She caused a huge fight between my father and my mother, a screaming match apparently and she just stood back with a vile little smile on her face. My mother's stance is that I'm a grown woman and she trusts me, that it's none of her business and she is here to support me no matter what. My dad wants her to take his side, to stand by his prude, outdated moral stance.
Why would she do that? What benefit is it to her? What does J gain by trying to ruin what small amount of happiness I've managed to find?
She told my parents that she doesn't think they had an business helping me when I got divorced or when the X came to my house with a gun and went to jail. "Nobody ever helped me, I had to do it all alone." WTF??? She did not! She gets child support from my brother every month. She got help from my former in laws who treated her like extended family, she had my parents giving my brother extra cash so that he could buy her out of her share of their house. Directly and indirectly she got plenty of help...she still does. I've watched her children for her, and helped her in any number of other ways.
Why would she do this? I just don't understand. Why is my personal life open for their discussion and involvement anyway? What gives either of them the right? Why can't they just be happy for me?
I shed more than a few tears today... I'm so confused and hurt. I want to confront her, but really... what would I gain? I have trust issues to begin with. I should know better. I don't share, I don't talk to people, I keep my problems and my fears and my feeling to myself with the exception of about three people, well now two people. I should never have opened up to her... lesson learned. Trust no one. Tend your own garden. Don't give anyone the ammunition to hurt you.
Thanks for the hard cold lesson J. It won't be forgotten.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Perfect Timing
In so many little ways BLT and I are in perfect sync with each other. The only other person I have that with is Ethel. These two important people in my life seem to have this 6th sense when it comes to me.
They call when I'm at my lowest point. They seem to know when I'm thinking of them and wanting to talk and BOOM BABY my phone rings. They can tell when I'm holding something back and they call me on it when I'm not being 100% honest with myself. While this can be annoying when I want to retreat into my shell and hide from the truth - I need people in my life who know my cues and force me to be real.
Intimately BLT and I are in sync as well. I've never been with anyone who knows what I need, or what I want without me having to say anything. Maybe it's the honest communication we work so hard at. When I need aggression and someone else to take charge he's there, when I need someone to hold me softly and reassure me with tender words he whispers all the right things in my ear.
Last night was a perfect example. I was sitting there thinking of him. Thinking over the past couple weeks and the whole distance/acceptance thing I posted about and like magic my phone rings. He was thinking of me too. An hour later a lot of things had been said that we both needed to hear.
All in all I'm feeling very loved and supported at the moment. With Ethel always there to be my sounding board and my reality check and BLT and I growing closer every day - I'm in a good place right now. It's a nice feeling.
I think T had it exactly right in this post: Relationship Purgatory "we committed to each other without even knowing it."
Every time BLT and I talk about our future or our past, we integrate ourselves a little more into each other's lives. Each time we make love, each time we meet another family member or friend we move a little closer to some kind of future together- but not knowing exactly what that future may hold is scary sometimes.
Continuing on my theme of acceptance, I'm working on just accepting the relationship we have now, as it is. I'll have to let the future play out as it will, and just keep my heart open and keep working on the open communication we've got going - because it's a huge part of our relationship and why we are so in sync with each other I think. I wouldn't give that up for anything.
Hmmm...I do wonder if it's kind of weird that I fell in love with a man who is so much like my best friend, lol. They even share the same astrological sign (if you believe in astrology and all that), have birth dates 19 days apart, give me nearly the exact same advice, and have very similar view points about life, love, and family.
They call when I'm at my lowest point. They seem to know when I'm thinking of them and wanting to talk and BOOM BABY my phone rings. They can tell when I'm holding something back and they call me on it when I'm not being 100% honest with myself. While this can be annoying when I want to retreat into my shell and hide from the truth - I need people in my life who know my cues and force me to be real.
Intimately BLT and I are in sync as well. I've never been with anyone who knows what I need, or what I want without me having to say anything. Maybe it's the honest communication we work so hard at. When I need aggression and someone else to take charge he's there, when I need someone to hold me softly and reassure me with tender words he whispers all the right things in my ear.
Last night was a perfect example. I was sitting there thinking of him. Thinking over the past couple weeks and the whole distance/acceptance thing I posted about and like magic my phone rings. He was thinking of me too. An hour later a lot of things had been said that we both needed to hear.
All in all I'm feeling very loved and supported at the moment. With Ethel always there to be my sounding board and my reality check and BLT and I growing closer every day - I'm in a good place right now. It's a nice feeling.
I think T had it exactly right in this post: Relationship Purgatory "we committed to each other without even knowing it."
Every time BLT and I talk about our future or our past, we integrate ourselves a little more into each other's lives. Each time we make love, each time we meet another family member or friend we move a little closer to some kind of future together- but not knowing exactly what that future may hold is scary sometimes.
Continuing on my theme of acceptance, I'm working on just accepting the relationship we have now, as it is. I'll have to let the future play out as it will, and just keep my heart open and keep working on the open communication we've got going - because it's a huge part of our relationship and why we are so in sync with each other I think. I wouldn't give that up for anything.
Hmmm...I do wonder if it's kind of weird that I fell in love with a man who is so much like my best friend, lol. They even share the same astrological sign (if you believe in astrology and all that), have birth dates 19 days apart, give me nearly the exact same advice, and have very similar view points about life, love, and family.
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