The way he smells

It's uniquely him. 

It's woodsy, clean and subtle.

It makes me want to bury my nose in the crook of his neck.  To breath him in and taste the skin under his ear.

It lingers in the room when he leaves.

It stays on his pillow - which I sleep on when he's gone.

It stays on his shirts - which I wear when he's gone.

It lingers on my skin after we make love.  The smell of us together is the strongest aphrodisiac I've ever encountered.

Like a bee to honey...it draws me in and makes me hot and impatient.

What do you love about me?

It's a question I've wanted to ask BLT for awhile now. What do you love about me, exactly?


He tells me that I treat him better than anyone else he's ever dated. Is that love? Or are you just appreciative because all your former girl friends have been less than stellar? I mean it has to be more than that if it's going to last.


He tells me all the time how hot I am. And not just in the heat of the moment, BLT excels at showing me how beautiful he finds me. Which of course I love to hear....I am a woman after all. But beauty fades, we all know that.


So other than being hot and kind what is it? What has convinced him that we can make it for the long haul? I mean, I know exactly why I love him. His sense of humor, his appreciation of the little things in life, the fact that he's one of the most considerate people I've ever met. He's a good friend, and he's kind to his siblings and parents. He is patient with my girls, and he knows how to mix having fun with being a good role model for them. He makes me feel sexy. He says he's sorry if he makes mistakes, and he's an amazing listener.


I feel like an ass if I come right out and ask him. I don't want him to think I'm fishing for compliments - because that's not what it's about. I just want to know what he's feeling, what he's thinking. I need to know that it's real.


Does that make me needy? Ugh, I HATE needy people and I don't want to be that person.

The way he touches me

A warm hand moves slowly over the curve of my hip.


I'm in that sleepy place between dreaming and being awake.


He leans close and nuzzles the back of my neck, breathing in the scent of my hair, pulling me close to his body. The heat of his chest pressed against my cool back.


Arching, sighing, legs entwined.


I can't think of a more beautiful way to wake up.

Gettin' My Pretty On

I bought new sexy lingerie yesterday when I was out with Ethel. It's been awhile since I wore something sexy and lacy just for BLT's enjoyment.

My efforts were well appreciated. I'm an extremely satisfied woman this morning.

BLT had gotten used to receiving this sort of special attention when we were doing the long distance relationship thing. Every time I flew down to see him I made sure I had something sexy for him. I became the queen of the quick change artists in the airport bathroom. There happened to be a woman's rest room right outside of the gate I flew into.

Once he picked me up and I was in my red trench coat with a very naughty black number and thigh high stockings underneath and nothing else.

The last time I flew down I wore my black leather pants and stiletto heels. I changed into a dark purple and black silk bustier top laced up the back so tight I could hardly breath... but damn that hour-glass was turning heads. His eye nearly popped out of his head when he pulled up in his truck to get me. *giggle* I still hear about that one, he was VERY impressed and we ended up stopping at a deserted orchard on the side of the road because we couldn't wait to get home.

So - a precedent has been set. He was used to me making a special effort of look sexy for him. Since he lives with me now he's had a little dose of reality and he's more likely to come home to me in one of his shirts than a lacy, racy bit of sexy nothing....so he was due for a little treat.

YUMMY... I just love the gift that keeps on giving!

He said, "You're going to marry me someday"

Someday, maybe... maybe not.

Is it terrible that he can say something like that to me and my first response is..."well MAYBE, maybe someday...."

He loves me. He's so confident in our future together. It's me that has all the fears and the trepidation in regards to marriage. I mean really - it's not that shocking considering the fact that it was only 11 months ago that my X went bat shit crazy and tried to shoot me.

I'm so happy with the way things are at the moment. It feels right. The kids are happy, I'm loved and feel safe and satisfied in the relationship we have exactly as it is. I don't want to screw that up. He's of the opinion that living together is trying to have your cake and eat it too, and that if I'm committed to him then he wants the whole enchilada - rings, vows, and all. He's willing to wait until I'm on board, but he's sure it's going to happen. How can he be so sure? What if we are a horrible married couple? What if we suddenly feel trapped? What if we get bored of each other or the sex starts to suck?

He's never been married. I don't think he realizes how much control and how much of your yourself you give up when you take that step. It's not about how much I love him - because that is not in doubt for me at all. It's about not loosing myself ever again. I did that once, and it was the worst feeling of my life.

He wants to give the kids a "real" family. I want to show them that you don't have to do something just because its conventional. He wants to know I'm committed to him. I want him to accept that I'm his - good times or bad and we don't need a piece of paper from the state to prove it. He wants to take care of me. I want him to know I'm strong and able of taking care of myself.

Is he unrealistic? Am I too pessimistic? Is there a way to meet in the middle? I can honestly say that this is the first time in my adult life I feel that I'm truly in love. And I love him for all the right reasons - not out of fear of being alone, or a desire to have someone take care of me. It's not about looking for the "American Dream" or feeling pressured in any way. It's about me loving the person that he is, loving who we are as a couple. It's the fact that I'm a better person when he's around. He grounds me, makes me feel calm. I'm a better mother to my girls. It's about our chemistry together - amazing sex, open communication, and finding someone who understands me.

So if that's the case, why am I afraid? Does it mean there's something wrong that I can't admit to myself? I can't figure out why the idea of marrying this AMAZING, loving, strong, sexy, talented, respectful, hard working man of my dreams scares the snot out of me!

Our sexy, swanky weekend

I've been trying to think of something special to do for BLT. He is a musician, and a huge Sinatra fan, so when I heard Steve Tyrell was playing at Jazz Alley I knew I had to get tickets. His bio listed him as "a Grammy award winning, Sinatra-esque style" performer.

What a PERFECT evening. The music was amazing, and the venue so intimate and sexy it was impossible not to leave there feeling romantic. Dim lights, small tables set around the stage, amazing food and wines, impeccable service, and a cool jazz club vibe that lent itself to hushed conversation and long, knowing glances.

There wasn't a bad seat in the house, but we lucked out and got the best seats available in my opinion. We ended up center stage, four tables back from the stage. Not so close you had to crane your neck to watch, but close enough to feel like he was singing to you alone. There wasn't anything distracting or tacky going on either. Just a stage with a mic, a base player, guitarist, and a pianist on a baby grand piano. Intimate is really the only word to describe it.


We enjoyed our drinks and dinner before the show, then shared a decadent chocolate dessert during the performance. Afterwards we walked back to our hotel in the warm night air, taking our time and holding hands. Just sort of lingering in the moment. When we got back BLT gave me a special gift he picked out for me. Small, lovely ruby stud earrings. Nothing extravagant, it's not his style - but something beautiful and special that he picked out just for me. He knows me so well, and I adore them.

We spent the rest of the evening, and into the early morning hours loving each other, making promises and saying, with words and without, all the things we needed to say. We slept in late, walked to our favorite cafe for breakfast and headed back into town to get the kids.

I don't think I've ever had such an amazing weekend. It was everything I was hoping for, and I can't think of anyone I would rather have shared the experience with.

Romantic Getaway

Tomorrow I'm dropping the kids off at my former in laws house for an overnight visit. BLT and I will be going to Jazz Alley to have dinner and see a "Sinatra-esque" style, grammy award winning singer. BLT loves him some Sinatra, and this is a nice swanky place for a date. I've picked up a pretty, strapless dress on clearance to wear, and something a tad naughty to go underneath it. I think he'll approve ;)

I booked us a hotel room a few blocks away, so we can both have a few drinks and not worry about who's driving home. Plus, home is about two hours away, and I didn't relish the long drive late at night.

Now we can stroll back to the hotel in the warm night air, undress each other and have some lovely hotel sex...yummy!

I thought we were okay...

I don't know what's going on. I'm so confused. BLT seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning and he's been short with me and cranky all day.

I was going to take all of us out to have Mexican food for dinner and on the way home he said, "do you really think that's a good idea?" and he explained that he felt bitchy and cranky. So even though I'm exhausted I went to the store and picked stuff up, came home and made dinner. I brought in the groceries by myself, and he came down to inform me he was going to run to the store to get a beer.

Well that was an hour ago. No call to say where he's going or when he'll come back.

What the hell flew up his butt? What did I do? There's a part of me that's been waiting around, holding my breath for something like this to happen. For him to wake up one day and decide this is all just not worth it. I'm not worth it.... my kids are small hellions on occasion, and with one sick, one who's erupted into a snarky tween it's not always fun around here. I get that.

On one hand I can't blame him. I'm scared of my life some days, it's too much to handle for me, and I'm their mother, how can I expect ANYONE to want this?

Yesterday I felt so very loved and understood...today I'm just confused, and honestly I'm scared he's finally come to his senses. Add to that the weight I've gained recently and, well... I just feel like shit tonight.

Single Mom Sexy?

Inspired by several posts over the past few weeks from some of my favorite bloggers, like this one from Canadian Bald Guy I'd like to take a moment to work out some stuff in my head in regards to my own, burgeoning sexuality. Feel free to hide your eyes or simply stop reading if you have no desire to know about my sex life... ya I'm talking to you Ethel. You won't hurt my feelings if this makes you uncomfortable.

For the first time in my life I feel sexy. I feel desired, I feel powerful in bed. I know that my BLT wants me. ME. And not because I'm there, or I'm convenient... because I'm not. I'm nearly 1000 miles away - and yet I know, deep down that I'm the only one that makes him feel like he does when we're together.

You can't fake that. When he looked in my eyes while we were making love and told me that it hadn't ever been this intense with anyone else, and I understood because I felt exactly the same way, it was intoxicating. Sex with BLT is always intense. From the very first time we were together it's been a whole new experience for me.

Sex with my X was at best, nice. It was comfortable, it was convenient. I shrugged off my lack of desire or my inability (frequently) to have an orgasm and chalked it up to motherhood, or hormones, or stress. All of which are a factor I'm sure. But what I realize now, is that I had no desire for my X, and I did not feel desired as a woman in return. I got married because I was in love with the idea of family and home and permanence. I moved around a lot and had a chaotic, non-traditional family life when I was growing up. At 19 I craved comfort, children, roots. Which is all great...if you choose the right person to plant down those roots with. I did not. I married the first guy I really dated, because he was in love with me. I thought that was enough.

I was horribly wrong.

At the age of 35 I'm finally growing into my sexuality. I'm discovering what I want, what I need, what my boundaries are - and I feel so safe and so desired with BLT that I'm willing to push those boundaries and see where it takes us. In other words, I'm having the most stunning, open, exciting, intense sex of my life.

I hate to keep comparing - but those are the frames of reference I have to draw from right now. When I would try and tell my X what I wanted or needed I was shot down, or ignored. Even after 15+ years together I didn't feel like I could talk openly about my desires with him. There was a level of embarrassment that just shouldn't be there between lovers, much less between a couple married for 10+ years. I realize now that we were not compatible in a lot of ways. I need that heat, the intensity, aggression and power and fire. My X preferred things slow, comfortable. He liked to do the exact same things in the exact same order...like a recipe for banana bread or something. He also needed CONSTANT ego stroking. He wasn't a confidant man, and no matter how many times I told him to take what he wanted, he was the kind that would rather whine about not getting enough sex. I told him flat out once, "I have four kids...I'm not going to be your mommy in the bedroom. Man up and be a little more aggressive please." He wasn't interested.

I become totally uninterested in pretending any more at that point. Shortly after that we started sleeping in separate rooms, or I came to bed hours after I knew he was asleep.

With BLT on the other hand everything he does turns me on. The way he'll run his hand down my back. The way he looks at me, like he wants to eat me alive. His smell, his taste, his lips. The deep, husky sound of his voice when he calls me sleepy, and I know exactly where the call will lead... god I live for those calls between our weekends together. Maybe it's the long distance, infrequent sex thing. Maybe it's the chemistry. Maybe it's both.

I think one of the things that is so incredible about my relationship with BLT is that we're so open. I feel no shame, nor any embarrassment when we talk about what we want when we make love. He is so straight forward with me, and in turn I know I could tell him anything and we could discuss it, or act upon it, without fear or condemnation. It's so liberating, and it really does make me feel powerful and vixen-ish.

I think my recently discovered sensuality must give off some kind of vibe. I find myself attracting far more attention these days than I ever have in my life. I can feel men's eyes on me when we go out. Not every man in the room, of course not, but now and then I can just tell. I check over my shoulder and some man will be looking at me in a primal sort of way that says, "I would love to drag you back to my man cave...ugg ugg" and it's flattering. It's a totally new sensation for me.

BLT seems to notice it. At a holiday party we were at he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "every man here is wondering how I got so lucky...you look amazing tonight baby." That little bit of validation was intoxicating. We managed to make it a whole half hour longer at the party before we raced home to be alone. It's ridiculous how crazy in love I am with that man....and the fact that I can't even compare this need I have for him to the old cliche' "like a horny teenager" because I never, in all my previous years, felt a desire or a need like this one. And the sexual curiosity and enthusiasm of youth is so generic....you're just horny, plain and simple. No, this is a specific and very direct need that only one person call fulfill.

It scares me how much I want him. How much I feel like I need him. I've never needed anyone before, not like this. This relationship has had so many firsts for me, this being a very lovely one. Even if we never were able to be together for the long run, I can't regret what he's taught me about myself. What we've discovered together, and who I am now because of it.