My First HNT....

I sent this photo to BLT this past weekend since he was out of town on business with the note, "the girls" and I miss you...

So, no laughing or I'll get a voodoo doll and poke pins in uncomfy places!!

So there we go... GULP.... my first HNT post!

How does he know?

I'm not sure how BLT knows, without me telling him, what I need.  I am a complicated female and yet in some ways I'm not. I don't understand how to play games so I don't bother trying.  I don't want to expend the energy to lie, so I refuse to do so.  I tend to ask for exactly what I want, and I abhor passive aggressiveness.

Most of the time I'm not a "make love to me gently" kind of girl.  I need a certain level of intensity, roughness, and aggression to get off.  I refuse to be your mommy in bed.  If you can't figure it out then I have no time for you.  Does that make me a bitch?  I sincerely hope not, I'm just not interested in participating in a training seminar when I'm desperately striving for a bone melting orgasm (or three).

That being said, after BLT has been out of town (he's been in TN on business for four days and is finally home!)  I need that reconnection.  I need to be held close. I want to take my time, and be made love to.  Somehow he just knew.  I've never said these words out loud - and yet he gives me exactly what I need.  He says the right words.  He takes his time showing me exactly how he feels about me.  Words, touches, sighs, kisses...  perfection. Damn I missed that man.

Nobody else gets me like that.  I've never asked him... but I sincerely hope that I do the same for him.  I try to read his moods, and his body language.  I try to listen to all the things he's telling me with his actions and his words both.  Maybe that's all it is?  Maybe the key is to develop the ability to listen to what the other person is telling us even if they aren't speaking? 

I Highly Recommend...

JimmyJane massage candle, Bourbon scent. 

It's divine, melts to the perfect temperature, doesn't smell to "girly", in fact it smells sexy as hell, and it has a burn time of over 30 hours per candle!

BLT and I are thoroughly enjoying a kid free weekend.  As he will be out of town on Valentines Day I decided to surprise him with  a weekend of adult pleasures.  After a trip to our local adult store we're both very pleased with this purchase.

If you're looking for a great Valentine's gift I highly recommend one of these.  Either for the Missus or the Mister it's a very sweet, thoughtful, sexy gift... especially when it comes with the massage!

The way he smells

It's uniquely him. 

It's woodsy, clean and subtle.

It makes me want to bury my nose in the crook of his neck.  To breath him in and taste the skin under his ear.

It lingers in the room when he leaves.

It stays on his pillow - which I sleep on when he's gone.

It stays on his shirts - which I wear when he's gone.

It lingers on my skin after we make love.  The smell of us together is the strongest aphrodisiac I've ever encountered.

Like a bee to honey...it draws me in and makes me hot and impatient.

Sex is like Jelly Bellys...

I made BLT laugh last night when I shared my Jelly Belly sex theory with him.

You see, to me - being a fairly open and adventurous girl - I think of sex the way I think of those tasty little jelly beans. At any given point there are hundreds of flavors of Jelly Belly's, and that doesn't even count the combinations you can make if you COMBINE multiple flavors together.

So why in the world would I eat only one kind of Jelly Belly? There are so many ways to enjoy them, and heck - should I mix cherry with vanilla ice cream and not like it - well I never have to eat it again do I?...but at least I tried it once and I know I don't like it.

I look at sex the same way. Why would I only want to have one variety of sexual experience when there are so many different ways for us to pleasure each other?

Which led to the following convo:

BLT "So you're saying you want other Jelly Beans then?"

LoM "No love, you're beans are the only ones I'm interested in. I just want to pour chocolate sauce on them, or eat them in the shower now and then."

BLT "God I love you..."

LOL... ya - we're crazy - but it's the good kind of crazy that's harmless and entertaining to those around us. Now excuse me - I'm horny and I have a suger craving for some odd reason.... ;)

Do you believe in Happily Ever After?

Do you believe two people can love, respect, and honor each other for their whole lives?

Do you think that it's possible to have passionate monogamous sex with one person forever?

Is there really a Happily Ever After, or is it just a fairy tale we're sold as children... and unrealistic expectation to even strive for?

I want to believe...I really do.

I have a secret

It might just come back to bite me on the ass too. Before I get to the secret let me preface this by sharing that several years ago I looked at myself in a photograph and didn't even recognize who it was. I was fat. There is no kind way to say it... you can call it pudge, or "baby weight" even though my youngest child was two. But the honest truth was I had stopped caring. I stopped trying. I gave up on myself.


I was horrified. The very next day I went to the local weight loss center and joined. I went to the local Target and bought a Leslie Sansone walk away the pounds video. I threw out all the cookies and Snickers bars while crying big fat girl tears. Over the next five months I lost just under 60 lbs.

I felt sexy. I felt powerful and healthy and in control of my life for the first time in ages. I was proud of my body and my effort. I got next to no support or acknowledgement from the X. He refused to participate. He refused to work out with me. He refused to help me eat healthy... in fact he cooked whatever he wanted and ate it in front of me while I noshed on a low calorie lean cuisine for dinner each night.


Now here is where the secret comes in. In an effort to embrace my new body I took nude, semi nude, and down right dirty photos of myself. I masturbated to those photos, reveling in my long legs and flat stomach. They were for me. I loaded them into my photo editing software and created the perfect lighting. I airbrushed out the stray imperfections. They were beautiful to me.


Then during our divorce my X found the photos. He got onto my private computer and downloaded them onto a portable zip drive. He gave them to friends. He showed them to my children and tried to show them to my friends and in-laws.


He took what was private and empowering and he made it dirty and hurtful. I deleted each and every photo. But he has copies. His friends have copies.


I'm sure they're going to surface some time in the future to further humiliate me and be used against me to try and show that I'm a bad mother or immoral somehow.


It's one more thing he ruined for me.

The way he touches me

A warm hand moves slowly over the curve of my hip.


I'm in that sleepy place between dreaming and being awake.


He leans close and nuzzles the back of my neck, breathing in the scent of my hair, pulling me close to his body. The heat of his chest pressed against my cool back.


Arching, sighing, legs entwined.


I can't think of a more beautiful way to wake up.

Gettin' My Pretty On

I bought new sexy lingerie yesterday when I was out with Ethel. It's been awhile since I wore something sexy and lacy just for BLT's enjoyment.

My efforts were well appreciated. I'm an extremely satisfied woman this morning.

BLT had gotten used to receiving this sort of special attention when we were doing the long distance relationship thing. Every time I flew down to see him I made sure I had something sexy for him. I became the queen of the quick change artists in the airport bathroom. There happened to be a woman's rest room right outside of the gate I flew into.

Once he picked me up and I was in my red trench coat with a very naughty black number and thigh high stockings underneath and nothing else.

The last time I flew down I wore my black leather pants and stiletto heels. I changed into a dark purple and black silk bustier top laced up the back so tight I could hardly breath... but damn that hour-glass was turning heads. His eye nearly popped out of his head when he pulled up in his truck to get me. *giggle* I still hear about that one, he was VERY impressed and we ended up stopping at a deserted orchard on the side of the road because we couldn't wait to get home.

So - a precedent has been set. He was used to me making a special effort of look sexy for him. Since he lives with me now he's had a little dose of reality and he's more likely to come home to me in one of his shirts than a lacy, racy bit of sexy nothing....so he was due for a little treat.

YUMMY... I just love the gift that keeps on giving!

Our sexy, swanky weekend

I've been trying to think of something special to do for BLT. He is a musician, and a huge Sinatra fan, so when I heard Steve Tyrell was playing at Jazz Alley I knew I had to get tickets. His bio listed him as "a Grammy award winning, Sinatra-esque style" performer.

What a PERFECT evening. The music was amazing, and the venue so intimate and sexy it was impossible not to leave there feeling romantic. Dim lights, small tables set around the stage, amazing food and wines, impeccable service, and a cool jazz club vibe that lent itself to hushed conversation and long, knowing glances.

There wasn't a bad seat in the house, but we lucked out and got the best seats available in my opinion. We ended up center stage, four tables back from the stage. Not so close you had to crane your neck to watch, but close enough to feel like he was singing to you alone. There wasn't anything distracting or tacky going on either. Just a stage with a mic, a base player, guitarist, and a pianist on a baby grand piano. Intimate is really the only word to describe it.


We enjoyed our drinks and dinner before the show, then shared a decadent chocolate dessert during the performance. Afterwards we walked back to our hotel in the warm night air, taking our time and holding hands. Just sort of lingering in the moment. When we got back BLT gave me a special gift he picked out for me. Small, lovely ruby stud earrings. Nothing extravagant, it's not his style - but something beautiful and special that he picked out just for me. He knows me so well, and I adore them.

We spent the rest of the evening, and into the early morning hours loving each other, making promises and saying, with words and without, all the things we needed to say. We slept in late, walked to our favorite cafe for breakfast and headed back into town to get the kids.

I don't think I've ever had such an amazing weekend. It was everything I was hoping for, and I can't think of anyone I would rather have shared the experience with.

Romantic Getaway

Tomorrow I'm dropping the kids off at my former in laws house for an overnight visit. BLT and I will be going to Jazz Alley to have dinner and see a "Sinatra-esque" style, grammy award winning singer. BLT loves him some Sinatra, and this is a nice swanky place for a date. I've picked up a pretty, strapless dress on clearance to wear, and something a tad naughty to go underneath it. I think he'll approve ;)

I booked us a hotel room a few blocks away, so we can both have a few drinks and not worry about who's driving home. Plus, home is about two hours away, and I didn't relish the long drive late at night.

Now we can stroll back to the hotel in the warm night air, undress each other and have some lovely hotel sex...yummy!

He Blew My Mind!!

Alrighty folks, disclaimer time. This post is about sex, so leave now if you don't want the nitty gritty details....

BLT rocked my world yesterday on several levels. We've had a sex hiatus for the past several days. It seems that our twice daily sex fest (seriously we can't get enough of each other) since he moved in has left him a wee bit chapped.

I've always had a healthy sexual appetite - but I put my needs and desires on the back burner with my X. We just weren't compatible. BLT and I have this amazing chemistry. The way he smells turns me on. The way he looks at me, licks my shoulder, pulls my hair back and runs his finger down the side of my neck... every little move, every look. He just does it for me, big time.

BLT came home last night, took my laptop and set it aside. He knows me - he knows I've been horny as hell the past few days, and frustrated about the situation with the X. He didn't say a word, he pulled me close and kissed me like I've never been kissed before. It was all heat and pressure. Teeth and tongues, and intensity and the perfect amount of moisture... god I hate a sloppy kisser.

That perfect kiss made it way all over my body. Leaving me shaky and so badly in need of release I was in agony - but that good kind of pleasure-pain that's so delicious it's hard to describe. BLT did not leave me suffering long. We had the most earth shattering oral sex I've ever experienced. And the shocker was that it was all for my benefit. He had no agenda, he wasn't trying to get anything out of me.

When I finally caught my breath, BLT pulled me close and held me. He played with my hair, in that way that gives me goosebumps. He just held me and let me fall asleep on his chest. We didn't have to fill the space with empty words. It was just comfortable and perfect.

It was sweet and sexy as hell. I've never had anyone who was so in tune with what I need, and who so willingly and eagerly met those needs without me even asking. God I love this man.

We're going away for a romantic weekend Saturday and Sunday. I can't wait to reciprocate, and blow his mind a little in return. Woo Hooo... that's totally a win-win situation!

That's Life

I have been having an interesting week so far. BLT got home on Monday afternoon. I was SO excited for him to get in that work just dragged by that day. I got home, and he was napping in bed. It was clear he missed me as much as I missed him. I've never been with anyone before who can turn me on with just a look. It doesn't matter if we live together now or not. Four days apart and you would think we hadn't made love in weeks. It was frantic and passionate and still sweet and tender all at the same time. I'm constantly amazed at the range of emotion he can draw out of me.

The newest drama in my life is that my car is in the shop as of Tuesday morning because I no longer have properly working power steering.... that will cost me $355.00 bucks I don't have.

Lady Bug has a Dr. appt. in the morning, and I have an appointment for my bikini wax on Friday evening, so being without a car for "several days, not exactly sure how long it'll take to get the parts in" is very inconvenient. BLT and I carpooled today, but his vehicle isn't large enough for all the kids so we were shuffling quite a bit.

I went and picked up a rental car, wow...what a piece of crap that thing is. All I can afford is the super economy version so ya... it's neither big enough, nor is is comfortable in any sense of the word - but at least I can get to our appointments this week and BLT doesn't miss more work playing chauffeur.

I went running today and it was good! Walked .25 of a mile, then ran 2 full miles, and then walked almost another .25 to cool down before walking home. My foot held up really well, and my knee is only moderately sore.

I came home, made spaghetti for dinner, had some very fun and very dirty shower sex with BLT and I feel fan-freakin-tastic. Like a crazy lady I'll be getting up early to work out before work tomorrow. BLT wants to loose a few pounds and he thinks getting up early will be easier for him than being motivated after work...so I'll support his endeavor and get up with him at the ass crack of dawn to work out before we get the kids up and head to work. Now that is love....

Letting go

I have to learn to let go of all the negative feelings I have left over from my previous relationship, IE disastrous marriage.

Sunshine was right... one hundred percent. I was more upset than I needed to be. This wasn't about him doing something purposeful to hurt me. He wasn't trying to insult me, and his ego was bruised in this whole thing as well.

I reacted so negatively, instead of seeing the humor in the situation, because in my marriage I wasn't desired. I wasn't appreciated, I wasn't treated as though my company was anything more than a convenience, and doing so made me insecure about my sexuality and made me feel like nobody would ever truly desire me. All these horrible insecurities came rushing back, and I felt so unwanted. It's such a terrible feeling.

But I realize it's not a feeling caused by BLT. He didn't do anything to cause those doubts, he has never made me feel unwanted, or undesirable - in fact the exact opposite.

It was an off night. We've worked long hours this past week. We've driven hundreds of miles picking him up a new car and getting things done for the kids and the house. We've just been emotionally and physically spent and it was bad timing on our part to try and make love so late at night.

So, I'm letting it go. I'm going to recognize where the hurt comes from. Acknowledge it but don't let it continue to effect our relationship. We discussed it, he's apologized and done what he can to reassure me that he wants me, in every facet of the word. That he wants me sexually, that he wants my company, he wants to share my home and be a part of my life... and that in NO way was last night about anything other than being exhausted.

So this is me...letting go. Not letting the way my X treated me effect my new relationship. I know that there will be issues from time to time. I have to accept that who I am, all my past experiences both good and bad make up the person that he loves. And I know in my heart that he loves me just as I am, and that he accepts me flaws and all.

My hope is that in time, all the good ways he treats me will change the way I feel about myself. It will replace all the negative ways I see myself and I'll be less insecure. I have faith that time is all it will take. He's a good man, and I love him.

Our first hiccup.

He's sleeping beside me, which in itself kind of pisses me off. We've had our first real "issue" so to speak and he's not nearly as upset by it as I am.

I'm insulted to be honest. In the middle of making love I realize he's not touching me really, his hands have fallen to his side, then I realize all of a god damned sudden he's FALLEN ASLEEP. For the love of God. I'm riding him like a Christmas Pony and he's snoring... ya... snoring.

I get off him, and go have a shower. When I come back in he kind of wakes up and asks me what I'm doing? I tell him not to talk to me, that I'm insulted and embarrassed. I mean shit, if he doesn't want me what the fuck is he doing in my bed?

We discuss it a little, he's more amused than anything else, and doesn't see why I'm upset. When I asked if he would be insulted had the roles been reversed he said no...that he would understand I had a really long week and was tired. All fine and dandy, if he's so tired why didn't he just say no to begin with... So here I am, no "happy ending" for either of us. I'm pissed, embarrassed, insulted, and and wide awake at 2:42 in the morning. He tried to go down and sleep on the couch because I yelled at him, I went down and apologized for yelling. So he came back up to bed.... at least that's something.

He's fast asleep beside me, and all I want to do is cry. I spent more than five years being ignored, feeling like nothing more important than a piece of furniture... I refuse to let anyone make me feel like that again. I can't do it. I don't think he understands how much he hurt and humiliated me, and I don't know how to tell him... so I won't bother.

What does this even mean? I've always known I desire him more than he does me. I can live with that...but I can't be ignored again. That hurts too much.

In the Beginning...

Friday was the "day". He arrived several hours before expected and there I was in the kitchen, barefoot, sweaty, my hair a mess, makeup sort of smeared...by far not the fairy tale version I had in my head of what my appearance would be like when he pulled up to the door.

He walks right into the house, and without saying a word pulls me into his arms and holds me tightly to him for several wonderful minutes. I whisper, " Welcome home" and he kisses me on the forehead.

The kids all rush around him, the little two hugging his legs, the older two offering help to unload the truck. We tell them we need a few minutes before he's ready to tackle that job. He's been in the car 11 hours straight, he's hot. He's tired, and a little frayed around the edges too... but he's glad to be here. I can feel it pouring out of him. Gratitude and affection and excitement all at the same time.

While the kids rush off to do their own thing I give him the grand tour of his new house. Once we get to our room it's hurried kisses and a more proper welcome home. Dear God it's been six long weeks and it's a blessing my children were all off with friends or playing video games downstairs. As is the norm for us we pulled our clothes of frantically and fell into bed. The first time we're together after an extended separation is always amazing. Heat, and passion, and intensity that just can't be described accurately.

When we're done with our heated "quickie" we hold each other and say all the things we've been waiting to say until we could say them face to face. He's glad to be here, I'm so nervous the house isn't perfect, don't worry Doll as long as you're here everything IS perfect, I love you.... a hundred little things, a few big things, a lot of just being happy to be together.

The past few days have rushed by. We are all feeling each other out. The kids are learning to knock on our door before they rush in (thankfully we've been really good about keeping it locked for our privacy) and we are all getting used to having a whole new person in the house.

We had a long talk last night while we were headed to a party. We both know that there will be rough patches ahead of us with the kids. We know that there will be times we don't agree, that we may say something hurtful on accident, and that there is going to be some adjusting necessary on all our part. It's a part of merging your life with someone else's...especially once there are children involved.

This is just the beginning for us, and we are all going to be just fine... we're going to be great. I have such a good feeling about having him here, and I have faith in all of us.

Single Mom Sexy?

Inspired by several posts over the past few weeks from some of my favorite bloggers, like this one from Canadian Bald Guy I'd like to take a moment to work out some stuff in my head in regards to my own, burgeoning sexuality. Feel free to hide your eyes or simply stop reading if you have no desire to know about my sex life... ya I'm talking to you Ethel. You won't hurt my feelings if this makes you uncomfortable.

For the first time in my life I feel sexy. I feel desired, I feel powerful in bed. I know that my BLT wants me. ME. And not because I'm there, or I'm convenient... because I'm not. I'm nearly 1000 miles away - and yet I know, deep down that I'm the only one that makes him feel like he does when we're together.

You can't fake that. When he looked in my eyes while we were making love and told me that it hadn't ever been this intense with anyone else, and I understood because I felt exactly the same way, it was intoxicating. Sex with BLT is always intense. From the very first time we were together it's been a whole new experience for me.

Sex with my X was at best, nice. It was comfortable, it was convenient. I shrugged off my lack of desire or my inability (frequently) to have an orgasm and chalked it up to motherhood, or hormones, or stress. All of which are a factor I'm sure. But what I realize now, is that I had no desire for my X, and I did not feel desired as a woman in return. I got married because I was in love with the idea of family and home and permanence. I moved around a lot and had a chaotic, non-traditional family life when I was growing up. At 19 I craved comfort, children, roots. Which is all great...if you choose the right person to plant down those roots with. I did not. I married the first guy I really dated, because he was in love with me. I thought that was enough.

I was horribly wrong.

At the age of 35 I'm finally growing into my sexuality. I'm discovering what I want, what I need, what my boundaries are - and I feel so safe and so desired with BLT that I'm willing to push those boundaries and see where it takes us. In other words, I'm having the most stunning, open, exciting, intense sex of my life.

I hate to keep comparing - but those are the frames of reference I have to draw from right now. When I would try and tell my X what I wanted or needed I was shot down, or ignored. Even after 15+ years together I didn't feel like I could talk openly about my desires with him. There was a level of embarrassment that just shouldn't be there between lovers, much less between a couple married for 10+ years. I realize now that we were not compatible in a lot of ways. I need that heat, the intensity, aggression and power and fire. My X preferred things slow, comfortable. He liked to do the exact same things in the exact same order...like a recipe for banana bread or something. He also needed CONSTANT ego stroking. He wasn't a confidant man, and no matter how many times I told him to take what he wanted, he was the kind that would rather whine about not getting enough sex. I told him flat out once, "I have four kids...I'm not going to be your mommy in the bedroom. Man up and be a little more aggressive please." He wasn't interested.

I become totally uninterested in pretending any more at that point. Shortly after that we started sleeping in separate rooms, or I came to bed hours after I knew he was asleep.

With BLT on the other hand everything he does turns me on. The way he'll run his hand down my back. The way he looks at me, like he wants to eat me alive. His smell, his taste, his lips. The deep, husky sound of his voice when he calls me sleepy, and I know exactly where the call will lead... god I live for those calls between our weekends together. Maybe it's the long distance, infrequent sex thing. Maybe it's the chemistry. Maybe it's both.

I think one of the things that is so incredible about my relationship with BLT is that we're so open. I feel no shame, nor any embarrassment when we talk about what we want when we make love. He is so straight forward with me, and in turn I know I could tell him anything and we could discuss it, or act upon it, without fear or condemnation. It's so liberating, and it really does make me feel powerful and vixen-ish.

I think my recently discovered sensuality must give off some kind of vibe. I find myself attracting far more attention these days than I ever have in my life. I can feel men's eyes on me when we go out. Not every man in the room, of course not, but now and then I can just tell. I check over my shoulder and some man will be looking at me in a primal sort of way that says, "I would love to drag you back to my man cave...ugg ugg" and it's flattering. It's a totally new sensation for me.

BLT seems to notice it. At a holiday party we were at he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "every man here is wondering how I got so lucky...you look amazing tonight baby." That little bit of validation was intoxicating. We managed to make it a whole half hour longer at the party before we raced home to be alone. It's ridiculous how crazy in love I am with that man....and the fact that I can't even compare this need I have for him to the old cliche' "like a horny teenager" because I never, in all my previous years, felt a desire or a need like this one. And the sexual curiosity and enthusiasm of youth is so generic....you're just horny, plain and simple. No, this is a specific and very direct need that only one person call fulfill.

It scares me how much I want him. How much I feel like I need him. I've never needed anyone before, not like this. This relationship has had so many firsts for me, this being a very lovely one. Even if we never were able to be together for the long run, I can't regret what he's taught me about myself. What we've discovered together, and who I am now because of it.