Getting What I Deserve

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” ~Maureen Dowd


Did you see that Ethel? This applies to both of us Love.


Doctor Feelgood - a.k.a. my therapist says that I have a case of self loathing going on. Its all wrapped up in my guilt over the way X found out about BLT, about the kids pain and all the drama and trauma they've gone through, and my own type A need for perfection.


Whew, that's a lot to deal with - drama, guilt, pain, and the need for perfection.... I'll be in therapy for years at this rate. I have a long history of accepting less than what I deserve, because I struggle with the idea that I actually DO deserve good things. I've never felt smart enough, or pretty enough, or talented enough. I settled for a marriage to someone I didn't really love because a part of me thought it was better to have someone, than to be alone... that it was the best I could ask for because I didn't deserve better.


I let him disrespect me. I let him call me bitch in front of my children. I let him get out of being a full time father so that I didn't make waves. I didn't leave when I knew I was never going to be happy with him - because a part of me didn't think I was able, or worthy of better.


So, I'm writing it down so that it's out there. I deserve happiness. I deserve love. I deserve to be trusted and to have someone I can put my trust in. I deserve better this time around, and I won't settle for less.


At some point I have to start letting go of the guilt especially. It's the one thing that holds me back the most, the one thing that makes me doubt myself. I made mistakes, but those mistakes do not have to define me. I don't have to punish myself, or expect less for myself because of them. What I struggle with the most is that I fell in love with another man at the end of difficult and self destructive marriage and I had an affair. It was not the reason for my divorce, but it was a symptom of the cancer in our marriage. And while I don't regret being with BLT, it is not a choice I would ever make again. At heart I'm a one man woman.


I'm honest about the affair. Once it was out in the open I didn't make excuses because I believe in taking responsibility for your choices. I've been drug through the mud, humiliated, belittled, gossipped about, and questioned more times than I can say. I lost respect, and I lost friendships. My X made it a point to tell his version of the facts to every friend, family member, neighbor, co-worker, and random stranger who would listen. He exaggerated, embellished, and manipulated. It was humiliating to have all my personal business out there for everyone's entertainment. For the love of God he even told our Schwan's delivery guy, the real estate agent who sold us our house, and people he met online.... and all of those are the consequences for my choices. I can live with that.


But I'm not going to keep letting him punish me forever, and I'm not going to keep punishing myself. If former friends no longer want to be in my life, then so be it. I personally do not judge my friends by their mistakes - but by how they respond and deal with them after the fact.


I'm going to keep working on accepting myself and letting go of the guilt. I'm going to start asking for what I want, and expecting good things to come into my life, and I'm going to work on believing that I deserve to be happy.

On the topic of forgiveness

While reading my favorite blogs today I came across this post by T: The Quest for T: Reconciliation Day

It really got me thinking about the players in the little soap opera that has become my life. So many people have been effected. So many lives changed forever. There are several people I'm going to have to forgive, and come to terms with their decisions - starting with myself.

So here it is... I forgive myself. I accept that I made mistakes, that I wasn't honest - with myself or others. I take responsibility for getting involved with another man before my marriage was over. I admit that I knew my marriage was over years before I was brave enough to do something about it. I accept the disappointment I see in my parents' eyes and I forgive myself.

Now, the forgiveness of others is going to take some time. In no particular order I will work on forgiving:

My Former Mother In Law: For paying for his divorce lawyer. For paying for the X's defense lawyer. For being manipulative and emotionally needy. For putting her son before her grandchildren. For discussing the personal aspects of my divorce and my sexuality with other people. For invading my privacy.

My Former Father In Law: For being a rampant gossip, and for trying to share intimate details of my life with my parents of all people. For telling me that I needed to invest in a Nun Habit and a vibrator because no man will ever want me once he finds out I'm a single mom with four kids.

Good Time Friends: For disappearing when the going got tough. For saying they cared and wouldn't pick sides, and in lieu of taking sides they just drifted off onto the ether.

Convenient Christians: For pretending to care about my kids. For telling me that my marriage could be fixed if I prayed hard enough...and then once they heard about the gun "incident" having the balls to tell me to pray for the X's soul. Both the good time friends and convenient Christians who were nowhere to be found when my kids and I found ourselves essentially homeless.

The Land Lady: For being cold hearted and kicking us out when she knew what happened and that I couldn't pay the rent without child support. She gave me two weeks to move all my stuff out, and then kept the entire damage deposit even though I had only lived there 30 days.

Last, but most certainly not least...

X: For being a useless father, a crappy lover, a selfish and lazy husband. For tell all our personal business to anyone who would listen, friends, coworkers, neighbors, the Schwan's guy for craps sake. For cyber stalking, being a liar and a general nutcase. For being a control freak. For bringing a gun to my house, pointing it at my head and saying four horrifying words, "This Won't Take Long" For calling me a whore in front of our daughters. For telling our two impressionable pre-teens exactly how they should go about killing themselves if he didn't come home.

All of these people I think I can forgive with time.... with the exception of the X. I'm not sure his sins are forgivable. I'm pretty sure I don't even want to forgive him. The anger keeps me motivated, it keeps me focused, it gives me an outlet for my anger. I'm not ready to give that up yet... I'm not sure if I can.