Even when you win you lose

At least that's how it felt today. It's still a little too raw to go into all the details, but I'll hit on the high and low lights of the day.

1. I found out his mother and the X both wrote declarations to the court. In the X's he called the kids liars. Nicely legally worded of course, but the gist of it is that the man called his children liars. He claimed that he never said anything inappropriate to the children and never discussed suicide with them.

I questioned both of them again and they both gave me the same basic details, but in their own words. My 11 year old cries every time we discuss it, she can't fake this level of grief and fear. I'm their mother, I know their heart, I know when they lie.... they are telling the truth and that rat bastard perjured himself to make himself look better.

2. In an attempt to ambush me and make me feel weak his Mother, Father (who up until this moment has been totally uninvolved so why show up now?) and his Step Father all showed up en masse in court to object on his behalf. They have ZERO legal say in this and were told flat out that they don't have to like it, it's going to happen anyway.

My mother and Bestie, Ethel , ran into his Mommy Dearest in the ladies room and gave me advanced warning so I wasn't taken by surprise. No words were shared between us and I kept my back to them the entire time. There is no chance for any kind of decent relationship between us now... I've tried too many times to keep the peace and have had them shit all over me time and time again. I'm not putting myself or the kids through that anymore. They picked a side. They want to excuse the X's psychotic behavior, want to call myself and my children liars, and want to support his delusions and finance his crazy attempts to have access to the kids he's damaged so much.

3. So I "won" in that the restraining order was granted and all letters will go to the kids therapist who will decide when/and if it's ever in their best interest to have them. But I had to question my kids honesty to be sure (I hate that I had to do that, I had no doubts but I wanted to cover all bases)

The judge said, "it only makes sense that the restraining order stays in effect until he can get out of jail and all the appropriate steps are taken to follow the parenting plan."

But you know what? I still feel like a loser. I feel like the kids have lost out more than anyone else. A crazy father, grandparents who call you a liar and don't care about your safety, a truck load of emotional and trust issues, and their sense of security.