There had been this odd sort of emotional distance between BLT and I the past week. There's has also been distance with the girls since Easter Sunday, both with me, and with each other. It's been tense in the L.O.M household.
BLT leaving last Monday really tore me up inside, and I was dealing with all those feelings along with the issues the kids were having. It's been a rough week and half for everyone.
BLT had to go home and deal with participating in a memorial for his room mate who was killed in an auto accident. I could feel him pulling away from me, short texts and lack of communication the primary indicators... and it was at a time I really needed his reassurance that we were still okay. I honestly didn't know if the distance was him needing time and space to deal with his grief, or if it was him pulling away from the scary view he got of my crazy, hectic life.
I finally came out and asked him. He reassured me that it was in fact him being overwhelmed with J's funeral and life in general at the moment - but that things with us were as good as ever. I guess the thing for me is that if I lost someone close to me he's one of the people I would turn to, one of the people I would seek out. He didn't do that, what he needed was solitude. He had to grieve his own way, and he wasn't ready to share that with me.
We have had a couple nice long talks this week, and we're back on even footing. He sent me an amazing heartfelt text late last night, something he was thinking as he drifted off to sleep, that he had to share with me. It made my heart skip a beat. I know that he loves me.
I'm not sure why women and men, or maybe it's just BLT and I, react so differently to loss. When I would turn to him, he needed to turn away from everyone and have space. I can't let myself take that as some kind of problem with US. I have to be more flexible, and a little less wrapped up in what I need out of every situation. I'm learning as I go here... sort of making my way in the dark sometimes. I'm crazy, head over heels in love with him. My friends on Face Book keep telling me "love looks good on you".
Now the acceptance thing I'm still working on, however I'm starting to feel settled in my little house. I bought a antique desk in deplorable condition and I'm refinishing it. I'm paying off some bills so we are more comfortable financially. I'm hoping the X is signing the divorce papers this week and the divorce will be official in a few weeks.
The kids and I have been talking a lot about what our plan is. What will happen when their father gets out of jail. What they want, what I want. Some things we would like to try to do together. We're all starting to accept the new lifestyle we're setting up for ourselves, working on our boundaries and responsibilities to each other. The kids have accepted that our old life, with the 400K dollar house and the stay at home mommy who came to every field trip was a part of our past life. That our new life isn't bad, it's just different, but there are some really nice things. Most of all I think we've all gotten to the point where we accept that we're going to be okay, and we're going to keep changing and evolving as the situation requires.
For the first time in a long time I feel like we're really going to be okay.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Cutting Ties
When do you say enough is enough and sever ties with members of your X's family? I don't want to do this, but it may become necessary for the emotional well being of my children.
My X's mother is an enabler to say the least. He's the way he is because, in part, of the way she lives and breaths to do for him. Cooking and cleaning and being a virtual slave to him as a child.... and as an adult she would still buy his clothes, pay his bills, and excuse his bad behavior. She never has, and never will, expect him to take responsibility for his actions.
I've given her fair warning that I do not want her discussing the children's' father with them. Do not tell them what it's like for him in prison. Do not discuss his struggles, or anything else that will hurt or confuse them. They are so shell shocked from all of this. At least two of them miss him - Lady Bug especially. They are scared for him. Not a single day goes by that they don't think about where he his, his actions that got him there...not a single day. I would bet my life on it.
Today, Easter Sunday of all days, she tells the children that their father called and was crying because he misses them so much. That he's scared and sad, etc. etc. They do not need to hear that. They are confused, feeling anger and then guilt at the same time.
Lady bug retreated to the back of the house, hid away, refused to eat, refused to interact and was in a very blue mood after that. I can't have them upsetting her like that. It's not fair. It's not kind, and it's very avoidable.
It's not like we can pretend it didn't happen... but we don't have to remind them. We can focus on the positive. We can avoid hurting them, by avoiding the topic whenever possible. I don't want this to be the focus of their lives for the next year. Let's discuss school, friends, hobbies, movies they've seen, the books they are reading, plans for summer vacation, favorite foods... ANYTHING but their father in prison.
I gave my former Father in Law a final warning. I will not allow them to put my children through this again. I'm willing to give second chances - but at some point I'll have to say that it is in my children's best interest not to spend time with their paternal grandparents.
I don't want to do that. They love their grandma and poppa very deeply - and they've lost so much. Home, school, friends, stability, father, full time stay at home mother, belongings and material possessions. I don't want to start taking away their extended family. But I truly believe it's my job as their mother to protect them.
I'm really torn on this one. There is only so much forgiveness I can dish out.
My X's mother is an enabler to say the least. He's the way he is because, in part, of the way she lives and breaths to do for him. Cooking and cleaning and being a virtual slave to him as a child.... and as an adult she would still buy his clothes, pay his bills, and excuse his bad behavior. She never has, and never will, expect him to take responsibility for his actions.
I've given her fair warning that I do not want her discussing the children's' father with them. Do not tell them what it's like for him in prison. Do not discuss his struggles, or anything else that will hurt or confuse them. They are so shell shocked from all of this. At least two of them miss him - Lady Bug especially. They are scared for him. Not a single day goes by that they don't think about where he his, his actions that got him there...not a single day. I would bet my life on it.
Today, Easter Sunday of all days, she tells the children that their father called and was crying because he misses them so much. That he's scared and sad, etc. etc. They do not need to hear that. They are confused, feeling anger and then guilt at the same time.
Lady bug retreated to the back of the house, hid away, refused to eat, refused to interact and was in a very blue mood after that. I can't have them upsetting her like that. It's not fair. It's not kind, and it's very avoidable.
It's not like we can pretend it didn't happen... but we don't have to remind them. We can focus on the positive. We can avoid hurting them, by avoiding the topic whenever possible. I don't want this to be the focus of their lives for the next year. Let's discuss school, friends, hobbies, movies they've seen, the books they are reading, plans for summer vacation, favorite foods... ANYTHING but their father in prison.
I gave my former Father in Law a final warning. I will not allow them to put my children through this again. I'm willing to give second chances - but at some point I'll have to say that it is in my children's best interest not to spend time with their paternal grandparents.
I don't want to do that. They love their grandma and poppa very deeply - and they've lost so much. Home, school, friends, stability, father, full time stay at home mother, belongings and material possessions. I don't want to start taking away their extended family. But I truly believe it's my job as their mother to protect them.
I'm really torn on this one. There is only so much forgiveness I can dish out.
Friday, April 2, 2010
The voice inside my head...
We all have one at some point in our lives. That nagging annoying little voice of doubt. The one that says, "you aren't worth it." "You aren't pretty enough." "He doesn't really want you, he got smart and moved on."
The BLT is going through a lot right now. Moving to a new place 45 minutes from his current house, his good friend dieing suddenly and the following memorial services / plans, his daughter, our relationship... just a lot to deal with emotionally. He's been a little distant this week, uncommunicative. He's not responding to texts with anything more than a short one line response. I asked him to call me... nothing yet today. I poured out my heart in a very long email and he didn't write back. He called me later that night and basically said; "I feel the same way you do, I hear what you're saying and I want all the same things. But I need patience from you so that I can get things moving on this end. That will take time."
I have to accept that this is not a fundamental problem with me. It's not that he doesn't love me anymore. He had a funeral today, he has friends over and I'm sure they are consoling each other in their time of grief. I wish I was there, I wish I had the ability to be the one he leaned on and talked to today. But I can't be there. For all I know he went and got piss faced drunk with all his buddies after the service and they are busy crying in their beer... I mean, to be honest, that's exactly what I would do.
So there is this part of me, the rational part, that understands his lack of communication this week is not about me, not about our relationship, not about his love for me.
Then the voice chimes in, "Oh ya... so why did he get so distant the day after he left here? I bet he didn't really like your kids or your family. I bet he decided you are SO not worth moving two states away to be with. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy and tell you that he hates your tiny, crappy duplex, and the rain, and hasta la vista baby."
It's tragically bad timing, that his friend died right before he came out to see me. That he has all this heavy emotional crap running amok in his life right now, and that all this shit happens right after we have these deep talks and I introduce him to my family. It's not me... it's not us... it's him processing his grief and the changes he's going through.
So why can't the rational part of my brain beat the shit out of that snarky little voice and shut it up?
The BLT is going through a lot right now. Moving to a new place 45 minutes from his current house, his good friend dieing suddenly and the following memorial services / plans, his daughter, our relationship... just a lot to deal with emotionally. He's been a little distant this week, uncommunicative. He's not responding to texts with anything more than a short one line response. I asked him to call me... nothing yet today. I poured out my heart in a very long email and he didn't write back. He called me later that night and basically said; "I feel the same way you do, I hear what you're saying and I want all the same things. But I need patience from you so that I can get things moving on this end. That will take time."
I have to accept that this is not a fundamental problem with me. It's not that he doesn't love me anymore. He had a funeral today, he has friends over and I'm sure they are consoling each other in their time of grief. I wish I was there, I wish I had the ability to be the one he leaned on and talked to today. But I can't be there. For all I know he went and got piss faced drunk with all his buddies after the service and they are busy crying in their beer... I mean, to be honest, that's exactly what I would do.
So there is this part of me, the rational part, that understands his lack of communication this week is not about me, not about our relationship, not about his love for me.
Then the voice chimes in, "Oh ya... so why did he get so distant the day after he left here? I bet he didn't really like your kids or your family. I bet he decided you are SO not worth moving two states away to be with. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy and tell you that he hates your tiny, crappy duplex, and the rain, and hasta la vista baby."
It's tragically bad timing, that his friend died right before he came out to see me. That he has all this heavy emotional crap running amok in his life right now, and that all this shit happens right after we have these deep talks and I introduce him to my family. It's not me... it's not us... it's him processing his grief and the changes he's going through.
So why can't the rational part of my brain beat the shit out of that snarky little voice and shut it up?
Thursday, April 1, 2010
On the topic of forgiveness
While reading my favorite blogs today I came across this post by T: The Quest for T: Reconciliation Day
It really got me thinking about the players in the little soap opera that has become my life. So many people have been effected. So many lives changed forever. There are several people I'm going to have to forgive, and come to terms with their decisions - starting with myself.
So here it is... I forgive myself. I accept that I made mistakes, that I wasn't honest - with myself or others. I take responsibility for getting involved with another man before my marriage was over. I admit that I knew my marriage was over years before I was brave enough to do something about it. I accept the disappointment I see in my parents' eyes and I forgive myself.
Now, the forgiveness of others is going to take some time. In no particular order I will work on forgiving:
My Former Mother In Law: For paying for his divorce lawyer. For paying for the X's defense lawyer. For being manipulative and emotionally needy. For putting her son before her grandchildren. For discussing the personal aspects of my divorce and my sexuality with other people. For invading my privacy.
My Former Father In Law: For being a rampant gossip, and for trying to share intimate details of my life with my parents of all people. For telling me that I needed to invest in a Nun Habit and a vibrator because no man will ever want me once he finds out I'm a single mom with four kids.
Good Time Friends: For disappearing when the going got tough. For saying they cared and wouldn't pick sides, and in lieu of taking sides they just drifted off onto the ether.
Convenient Christians: For pretending to care about my kids. For telling me that my marriage could be fixed if I prayed hard enough...and then once they heard about the gun "incident" having the balls to tell me to pray for the X's soul. Both the good time friends and convenient Christians who were nowhere to be found when my kids and I found ourselves essentially homeless.
The Land Lady: For being cold hearted and kicking us out when she knew what happened and that I couldn't pay the rent without child support. She gave me two weeks to move all my stuff out, and then kept the entire damage deposit even though I had only lived there 30 days.
Last, but most certainly not least...
X: For being a useless father, a crappy lover, a selfish and lazy husband. For tell all our personal business to anyone who would listen, friends, coworkers, neighbors, the Schwan's guy for craps sake. For cyber stalking, being a liar and a general nutcase. For being a control freak. For bringing a gun to my house, pointing it at my head and saying four horrifying words, "This Won't Take Long" For calling me a whore in front of our daughters. For telling our two impressionable pre-teens exactly how they should go about killing themselves if he didn't come home.
All of these people I think I can forgive with time.... with the exception of the X. I'm not sure his sins are forgivable. I'm pretty sure I don't even want to forgive him. The anger keeps me motivated, it keeps me focused, it gives me an outlet for my anger. I'm not ready to give that up yet... I'm not sure if I can.
It really got me thinking about the players in the little soap opera that has become my life. So many people have been effected. So many lives changed forever. There are several people I'm going to have to forgive, and come to terms with their decisions - starting with myself.
So here it is... I forgive myself. I accept that I made mistakes, that I wasn't honest - with myself or others. I take responsibility for getting involved with another man before my marriage was over. I admit that I knew my marriage was over years before I was brave enough to do something about it. I accept the disappointment I see in my parents' eyes and I forgive myself.
Now, the forgiveness of others is going to take some time. In no particular order I will work on forgiving:
My Former Mother In Law: For paying for his divorce lawyer. For paying for the X's defense lawyer. For being manipulative and emotionally needy. For putting her son before her grandchildren. For discussing the personal aspects of my divorce and my sexuality with other people. For invading my privacy.
My Former Father In Law: For being a rampant gossip, and for trying to share intimate details of my life with my parents of all people. For telling me that I needed to invest in a Nun Habit and a vibrator because no man will ever want me once he finds out I'm a single mom with four kids.
Good Time Friends: For disappearing when the going got tough. For saying they cared and wouldn't pick sides, and in lieu of taking sides they just drifted off onto the ether.
Convenient Christians: For pretending to care about my kids. For telling me that my marriage could be fixed if I prayed hard enough...and then once they heard about the gun "incident" having the balls to tell me to pray for the X's soul. Both the good time friends and convenient Christians who were nowhere to be found when my kids and I found ourselves essentially homeless.
The Land Lady: For being cold hearted and kicking us out when she knew what happened and that I couldn't pay the rent without child support. She gave me two weeks to move all my stuff out, and then kept the entire damage deposit even though I had only lived there 30 days.
Last, but most certainly not least...
X: For being a useless father, a crappy lover, a selfish and lazy husband. For tell all our personal business to anyone who would listen, friends, coworkers, neighbors, the Schwan's guy for craps sake. For cyber stalking, being a liar and a general nutcase. For being a control freak. For bringing a gun to my house, pointing it at my head and saying four horrifying words, "This Won't Take Long" For calling me a whore in front of our daughters. For telling our two impressionable pre-teens exactly how they should go about killing themselves if he didn't come home.
All of these people I think I can forgive with time.... with the exception of the X. I'm not sure his sins are forgivable. I'm pretty sure I don't even want to forgive him. The anger keeps me motivated, it keeps me focused, it gives me an outlet for my anger. I'm not ready to give that up yet... I'm not sure if I can.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Chef
I'm not feeling well, and the Chef made dinner tonight. BBQ baby back ribs, herbed rice... damn that kid can cook.
The Disapproval of My Father
When do we become old enough that we no longer need our parents approval? Does that ever happen? Apparently my father disapproves of my relationship with BLT. He thinks my priorities are mixed up and that I have no business dating anyone right now, that my only concern should be work and my children.
In a way perhaps he's right. I mean my kids and I have been through a lot in the past year. Maybe it is too early. Maybe I'm robbing my children of one-on-one attention when I go away every other month. Maybe I'm not emotionally ready to be the very best girlfriend I could be and it's not fair to BLT.
And knowing all that, I still don't feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm really happy for the most part, and anything that is making me unhappy is related to the X going to crazy town on a regular basis and the resulting financial troubles I've found myself in. Those financial troubles by the way are getting so much better. I have gotten both my income tax refund and my payment from the stock purchase. I can pay off some old debts, get myself current, and save enough (hopefully) to move us to a bigger place if one comes available in town.
Anyway... I am actually really happy. I like the person I am when I'm with him. I love him, and he loves me. The kids seem to like him, and vice versa. The only way I could be happier is if he would move up here and we could be together more often.
So, what do I do? Do I tell my dad that I love him, and I respect him, but I'm a 35 year old woman and I'll make the decision that's best for me, for my girls, for BLT? Do I just tell him that I intend to do what makes me happy for the first time in my life? Or do I ignore his objections and hope he comes around? I know for damn sure I'm not going to stop seeing my BLT.
If that makes me selfish, or if my priorities are screwed up, I guess I have to live with that. I don't like that my dad thinks poorly of me, I've always been a bit of a daddy's girl. I don't like that he disapproves of someone I love.
My mom likes the BLT, she said she thinks "he's a very nice man." and she says she's happy for me. She remembers what it was like to be a 35 year old woman with a raging sex drive, lol. She can tell he makes me happy and that's enough for her.
I don't know what to do about my dad. A part of me is devestated he disapproves. A part of me is indignant and doesn't care what ANYONE one else thinks because nobody has to live this life but me.
In a way perhaps he's right. I mean my kids and I have been through a lot in the past year. Maybe it is too early. Maybe I'm robbing my children of one-on-one attention when I go away every other month. Maybe I'm not emotionally ready to be the very best girlfriend I could be and it's not fair to BLT.
And knowing all that, I still don't feel like I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm really happy for the most part, and anything that is making me unhappy is related to the X going to crazy town on a regular basis and the resulting financial troubles I've found myself in. Those financial troubles by the way are getting so much better. I have gotten both my income tax refund and my payment from the stock purchase. I can pay off some old debts, get myself current, and save enough (hopefully) to move us to a bigger place if one comes available in town.
Anyway... I am actually really happy. I like the person I am when I'm with him. I love him, and he loves me. The kids seem to like him, and vice versa. The only way I could be happier is if he would move up here and we could be together more often.
So, what do I do? Do I tell my dad that I love him, and I respect him, but I'm a 35 year old woman and I'll make the decision that's best for me, for my girls, for BLT? Do I just tell him that I intend to do what makes me happy for the first time in my life? Or do I ignore his objections and hope he comes around? I know for damn sure I'm not going to stop seeing my BLT.
If that makes me selfish, or if my priorities are screwed up, I guess I have to live with that. I don't like that my dad thinks poorly of me, I've always been a bit of a daddy's girl. I don't like that he disapproves of someone I love.
My mom likes the BLT, she said she thinks "he's a very nice man." and she says she's happy for me. She remembers what it was like to be a 35 year old woman with a raging sex drive, lol. She can tell he makes me happy and that's enough for her.
I don't know what to do about my dad. A part of me is devestated he disapproves. A part of me is indignant and doesn't care what ANYONE one else thinks because nobody has to live this life but me.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Introduction
It went very well, introducing BLT to my kids. I didn't really have any doubts, but I didn't know what to expect. Especially from Lady Bug. She was the most attached to the X before he had his little crazy episode and she's the most hurt by his absence.
Our plan was to go to the Wild Animal Park together... but the rainy weather put a kink in our plans. We went back to my house and played Clue. Then we played some video games with the kids, we all made dinner together, and we just hung out and talked.
The evening ended with me giving the little kids a bath while BLT hung out in the living room with the older kids. It was nice. It was low key. It was comfortable.
The youngest doesn't talk to strangers. She barely talks to people she knows, she's just a very shy and quiet kind of girl (nothing like her mother, I have to admit) well even she was chatting it up within an hour of meeting the BLT. She even asked to sit next to him at dinner. That's a big thing!
TNT was very sweet and friendly, gave him a hug before she went to bed. She said several times that she thinks he's nice.
So it went well as far as first introductions go. When I thanked him for being so kind to my girls he said, "they make it easy, they're sweet girls" I'm glad that he thinks so. It's kind of important that all my favorite people can get along.
Our plan was to go to the Wild Animal Park together... but the rainy weather put a kink in our plans. We went back to my house and played Clue. Then we played some video games with the kids, we all made dinner together, and we just hung out and talked.
The evening ended with me giving the little kids a bath while BLT hung out in the living room with the older kids. It was nice. It was low key. It was comfortable.
The youngest doesn't talk to strangers. She barely talks to people she knows, she's just a very shy and quiet kind of girl (nothing like her mother, I have to admit) well even she was chatting it up within an hour of meeting the BLT. She even asked to sit next to him at dinner. That's a big thing!
TNT was very sweet and friendly, gave him a hug before she went to bed. She said several times that she thinks he's nice.
So it went well as far as first introductions go. When I thanked him for being so kind to my girls he said, "they make it easy, they're sweet girls" I'm glad that he thinks so. It's kind of important that all my favorite people can get along.
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