A Real Man...

A real man will hold your hand in public, even if you're not looking your best.

A real man will help you clean vomit off the floor when your kids get sick - even when they aren't his kids.

A real man knows how to laugh at himself.

A real man pushes you to do things that scare you when he knows its in your best interest.

A real man will help comfort a small child who just found out their grandmother died.

I will NEVER take my man for granted.  Today he held my hand.  Today he laughed at himself.  Today he held my baby and dried her tears when she found out her Great Grandmother passed away. 

Today I fell in love with him all over again.

mZ E honored me with my first bloggy love award...

So thank you, thank you Miss mZ E for passing on the blog love!

The rules state that I share 7 things about myself... so here we go... These are random bits of Little Ol' Me:

1. I LOVE... I mean LOVE red velvet cake.  If you can add some white chocolate shavings to it I'll be your slave.

2.  I've always wanted to buy a vintage VW hippy van.  Teal or yellow if possible.  I want to drive it around and get my thrift on at flea markets, filling up my hippy van with vintage treasures.

3.  I really like to sleep in the sun... nude.  There is something amazing about feeling the sun's rays warming your entire body. 

4.  My all time favorite song is Brown Eyed Girl

5. The sexiest part of a man, in my opinion, has to be either his lips or the small of his back.  Two spots I find especially delicious.

6. I want to visit NYC more than any other place in the US.  I want to go in winter and ice skate in Rockafeller Center, I want to see the big Christmas Tree and eat a hot dog from a street vendor. I want to ride the subway and visit Times Square.

7.  If I could afford it I would have plastic surgery.  I want to have a tummy tuck (after four kids and loosing a bunch of weight I'm not happy with my stomach AT ALL.  If I could find a surgeon who would let me pay on the "forever payment plan" I would do it in a heart beat.  I would have this done for myself, as I think it would make me more secure in my body.

Now to pick some of my favorite bloggers to pass on the love to:

My girl Ethel at Good Girl, Bad Thoughts
Miss Sunshine at Sunshine on My Shoulder
Hawtie QT at The Adventures of QTMama
The Ever Wise T at Life As a Classroom
The adorable BobbiJanay at When Did I Go From a Kid To a Grownup?
The very interesting John at The Pain of Happiness
Bad-Ass Bikin over at Still Altering Habits

So there you go... some blog love for me.  Some silly facts you didn't know, and some blog loves in return for a few of my favorite writers.

Pass on the lovin' folks....

11 days

I heard today that unless my X blows a fuse and does something stupid he'll be released from prison on March 6th.

11 days from now the man I'm terrified of will be free and clear.  No parole.  No monitoring.  Complete freedom.

I'm trying really hard to keep it together.  I don't want BLT or the kids to see me lose it, so I keep it all inside.  I'm afraid if I give into my fear it will take over and I won't be able to pull myself out of it.  I'm not taking any anxiety meds or anything like that.   I'm not a generally anxious person....I'm a person with a very specific fear.

The nightmares have started again - but BLT is always there to pull me close and help sooth me back to sleep.  I have to have faith that he'll be there with me while I go through all of this.

Ethel told me today that Fred was able to obtain a couple photos of my X for me to give to the kids' schools and day care center.  The idea of seeing a picture was enough to start a panic attack.  I haven't laid eyes on him since that night 19 months ago.  I'm really afraid to, to be honest.  I'm afraid to look at those photos.  Does that make me weak?

I don't want to be weak.  I want to be strong and fearless. I want to be brave for my girls.  I'm not running away.  I'm not hiding in my bed.  But I feel anything but fearless these days.

Love Is...

Love is finding that special person who thinks your quirks are endearing instead of irritating as hell.

I found him...

He loves the matching bra and panties.  He appreciates the order of my closets.  He laughs about my food issues. He tells me my shoes are sexy. He loads the dishwasher the way I like.  He smiles and looks the other way when I refold the towels, and he ALWAYS closes the closet door for me now without me having to ask. 

Quirks... I has em...

I'll be honest- I am aware that I have, shall we say, Quirks. 

I can only stand one kind of hangers in my clothing closet.

All of my clothes are organized by color, tank tops followed by short sleeves, followed by long sleeves.  Anything out of place bugs the hell out of me.

When I load the dishwasher I separate all the silverware into their own areas of the basket.  Forks together, butter knives, small spoons, etc  I tell myself it's because it makes it easier to put it away when it's clean...but honestly I just like how orderly it looks.

My towels in the linen closet are folded with military precision (but I could care less about the sheets... weird I know)  It is one of the simple joys in Ethel's life to come and refold a few of my towels just to make me twitch.  I know, I know....  it's fun to mess with the anal retentive, I can't blame her. 

I have food texture issues.  I don't eat anything slimy.  No jello, no pudding, no cream pies etc.  I HATE anything squishy.  I don't eat seafood (allergies), I prefer all meat removed from the bone, I can't choke down iced or even room temperature coffee - it has to be very hot, and last but not least I detest cream sauces, tempura, white gravy, and cottage cheese.

The only part of my body that is ticklish is my back, it's also my biggest erogenous zone.  A finger lightly run up my spine makes me swoon.  A kiss on the shoulder blade and I'm all yours.  People have accidentally touched my back in a crowd and made me groan out loud (that can be embarrassing...)

I refuse to wear ugly shoes for comfort.  I would rather ache all day and wear cute shoes.  I'm very tall and I adore my stiletto heels.  I consider it my job as a woman to extend some effort to look nice for my man on a daily basis.  Vain?  Sure.  I'm okay with that.

I will only wear matching bra and pantie sets.  I only buy things in sets and will not mix and match.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE lingerie and take great pride in my pretty matching sets.  Like shoes... I just see no reason for any female under the age of 80 to wear cotton panties you can purchase in a bulk pack.  No way, never, uh uhhh  No self respecting woman should buy panties that come in a plastic package. There is something exquisitely feminine about opening that box and pulling aside the tissue to see your lacy bits of girlyness waiting for you.

Lastly... It's silly I know, but I can't sleep with the closet door open.  I don't care what anyone says, there are monsters in there....

So fess up... what are YOUR weird quirks? 

Healing from the Inside Out

I saw a show on t.v. last night that made me think.  Pssst...not ALL television rots your brain. This was a medical drama / solve the mystery / based on real events kinds of thing where a beautiful, young, up and coming model drops dead.  It's not until her autopsy that they find out she's riddled with disease.  What was perfect on the outside was full of rot and decay on the inside.

That's exactly what my marriage was like - Pretty on the outside.  It made me think about other marriages I've seen break up lately.  It's a perfect euphemism for the cancer that grows inside some relationships, and how insidiously it can spread.  You just never can tell what's really going on sometimes.  Ethel called me earlier in the week to tell me about a family member getting divorced.  This woman went to amazing lengths to have children - only to realize it's much harder than she anticipated.  She moved out of her house and will pay her husband child support while he becomes the full time parent...  WOW.  I just can't imagine ever making that choice. 

I'm sure there are many, varied issues going on that led to the divorce.  There always is.  It just seemed so out of the blue to people on the outside.

Which caused me to spend some time considering my own divorce, and the time since then I've spent trying to heal.  I think I've been going about this the wrong way...  I've always been highly aware of my "image" while I was married. It became very important to me to maintain the perception that everything was perfect.  That has followed me into this new phase of my life.  I've spent a lots of time and energy trying to make sure neighbors, friends, family, teachers, and former in laws see the "right things".  I've forced the kids to participate in events they didn't want to for appearances.  I've made mistakes and choices I'm not proud of to present the image of a happy, well adjusted, family.

I was going by the old saying, "Fake it till you make it." only it isn't working....  and if I was honest with myself up front I would have accepted that it's a bullshit excuse for not doing the hard work of dealing with our problems head on.

I think it's time to try a new tactic, I think it's time to start working from the INSIDE out.  I think the issues my oldest child and I are having partially result from not dealing with the anger, fear, and level of disrespect that was rampant in our home prior to the divorce.  I have to work on  all of these issues inside our house, and inside our relationship and ourselves and not worry about how it looks to outsiders. 

So our life isn't as pretty and glossy as it used to be - so what! At least we'll be healthy. In the end there is one universal truth...  Beauty fades, you can't maintain the image of perfection forever.  We can't pretend everything is okay if it's not.  I'm not willing to live a lie like that anymore.  I want better for myself and my kids.

My First HNT....

I sent this photo to BLT this past weekend since he was out of town on business with the note, "the girls" and I miss you...

So, no laughing or I'll get a voodoo doll and poke pins in uncomfy places!!

So there we go... GULP.... my first HNT post!