I can smell him on my pillow

He came, he met my children and my family, we had a wonderful...amazing weekend together. Now he's gone and my heart is just aching.

It was harder watching him walk away than it is for me to leave him behind, and that has been pretty damn hard. I can smell him on my pillows and it's like a jab to the heart.

I miss him already.

Sleeping, Eatting, and a Workout Routine

I'm sleeping well these days, deeply and without bad dreams. I got my head shrunk a bit and realized that I just had to face a few fears head on, work them all out of my head. I had to allow myself to be okay with being afraid and talk out all the "what if" situations. I'm actually doing a lot better.

Eatting, now there is a something I'm struggling with a lot. I do well during the day: Coffee and Fruit for breakfast, fiber bar for a snack a few hours later, a Slimfast shake and more fruit or raw veggies for lunch. Then evening rolls around. I get home, and I'm hungry... then I exercise and I'm even more hungry. I end up eatting way too many calories and going to bed with a full stomach. BAD BAD BAD I know, but I seem stuck in this rut. I work twelve hour days and come home exhausted...ugh...

I need to get back into a normal workout routine. I was working out every day before the whole "divorce/moving/husband going nuts and trying to kill me/homeless/job change/moving again" thing that has been going on the past six months. We are settled into a house now. I need to get back on the wagon. I've been jogging every now and then... and doing the occasional work out tape. I need to get back to working out daily or at least several times per week. I've gained 12 lbs since July of last year, and it needs to come off... there is a statute of limitations on using "stress" as an excuse.

Kids and Movies

I took the kids to the movies... and now I remember why it's been months since I did that last.

Between getting up 12 times to take someone to the restroom, and having to sell blood to afford the snacks it's just not that fun an evening!

Poor Monkey Pants - my 5 year old - fell fast asleep in my lap and I got to lug 50 lbs of dead weight back to the car. At least I got my strength training in for the day!

The Final Countdown....

Do you have that song stuck in your head yet? Sorry about that...

Well Thursday is the big day. My BLT will be here Thursday evening for five whole days. Sadly it's the longest block of time we've had all alone. I'm so looking forward to it.

I'll also be introducing my BLT to the kids for the first time. We've been seeing each other since last summer, and I'm not going to let the fact that the divorce papers aren't signed yet keep me from moving forward with my life.

I love him, he loves me, he knows I'm a package deal - hell if I were fast food I would be the super sized, jumbo lunch! I mean four kids and two dogs is quite the family to jump into the middle of.

He's not looking to be anyone's daddy. His parents were divorced, and he had an excellent example in his stepmother. When his dad and stepmom got together he suddenly got three siblings, and he's fully aware of the ups and downs headed his way if we decide to stay together.

But right now, he's a big part of my life. I want my children to know who I'm with when I they visit their auties or grandparents and I go away for the weekend. I don't want them to feel like I'm ashamed or keeping secrets - because I'm not.

Final countdown until BLT gets here is 5 days. I need to get my house in order, clean out my car (because the odor of sweaty kid's socks and french fries is not sexy and I want to spare him that when I pick him up from the airport!) Wash all my bedding, pick out what I'll wear to pick him up in, get the yard tidied up and all the toys under control, bikini wax, pedicure, give the dogs a bath, wash the slip-covers on the furniture, hit the market for something yummy to cook him for dinners, pack up the kids stuff and make sure they're ready to go to their aunties for the majority of the time he's in town, and order tickets to the comedy club we want to go to.

So far I have managed to book a hotel downtown for us for two of those nights so he can see the city and we don't have a 2 hour drive back to my place. I've also searched high and low and managed to find his favorite beer, and it's chilling in my fridge. I'm such a nice girlfriend huh? :)

Whew... wish me luck! I figure if I'm busy I won't have time to be too nervous. Not sure I'm right, but hey, it's a theory I can work with.

Good News / Bad News

Good and bad news keeps flowing my way. In the ebb and flow of life I can't really say if the tide is in or out...if I'm up or down. I am a little lost in the whirl, and I feel like I'm rowing a tiny boat in a great, big turbulent ocean.

Last week I got good news about the money I need... this week I hear that it will take at least two weeks for the check to "clear" according to the X's lawyers. So they won't send me my money until after the first of next month. I'm sorry...it's more stall tactics, it doesn't take anyone two weeks to get a check to clear in this day and age. It's total bullshit and it makes me very angry that they are still trying to manipulate and/or punish me through financial means.

Good news this week... Soon I'll officially be a DIVORCED WOMAN!! My X's mother finally grew a pair and told her psycho son that she wouldn't pay for this divorce to to go court. None of us can afford it. I sent him a very reasonable offer...he told his mother he refused to sign any offer that included him having monitored visitation... monitored visitation is going to be mandatory due to the fact that HE IS A CONVICTED FELON OF A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ASSAULT WITH A GUN!! And yes, yes I am yelling.

I'm so fed up with his excuses, his manipulations, his absolute refusal to see the truth in any given situation. The fact that his desire to punish me outweighs his desire to care for his children infuriates me to no end.

Well his lawyers must have made his see that he will have no choice in the matter, or maybe it's just the fact that mommy cut him off financially - finally. I don't care what it is, the fact of the matter is that he counter-offered and I accepted.

The kicker is that his offer was a simple rewording of my offer. He only changed one tiny thing, which I think is perfectly fair. I accepted in a heart-beat and told my lawyer to get the paperwork started immediately.

I'm terrified, absolutely terrified that he'll change his mind and retract the offer, if that's even legal, and I'll have gotten my hopes up for nothing. I won't be able to sleep until I know for sure it's a done deal. I want to have my relationship severed from him for good, and I'll be able to feel like I can move on with my life once that's done. I'll really be free.

So good news is I'll be getting the lion's share of the retirement fund in lieu of child support while he's in the pokey. Bad news is that it will take several months for the company to pay that out, and I'll loose 30% in early withdrawal penalties, another 25% in taxes... I'll get less than half of what the amount is. Which sucks ass, but even that 45% can be used to pay off more of my debt, can get some things for the house we really need, can get the kids summer clothes and hopefully have enough left over for school supplies come next fall and a new windshield for my poor car.

It's been a bumpy ride this week, and it didn't help that I worked very long, very busy days and came home too exhausted both emotionally and physically to do any exercising at all.

I think I'll get up in the morning and take a nice jog in the sunshine. I need the release, and the exercise, and the peace and quiet after this roller coaster I've been on!

Maybe the Tides Have Turned

Today was an amazing day. At work we signed a new Warehouse up in Canada to carry our product. They've agreed to a place an initial order of 26k... yes, as in thousand. That's HUGE for us. HUGE. My father has been working for over two years to get this Warehouse to carry our line. Hallaluja they can continue to pay my salary!!

When I got home after work there was a message on my phone from my lawyer. She received a notice that a nice sized sum of money I've been owed for 6 months has finally been paid out. I should have it by next week at some point. Oh My Freakin' God...thank you, thank you, thank you. I need this money in the very worst way. I have bills to pay and I owe my parents a large sum for helping the girls and I get into our rental.

I have a cracked molar that needs repair, but w/o any insurance there was no way I could afford it until now. My kids all need clothes and new shoes, badly. I need to license my pets so they are legal. Just...well life. I need to finance our life.

Without any child support bills have been piling up. I'm so excited to get a few monkeys off my back. It's such a relief!!

This is the type of Sunday I remember

Today wasn't perfection or anything, but it was the first weekend since August that I felt was normal. It was as close as we've gotten in the past several months to a normal, stress free, drama free family Sunday.

We all over slept to begin with. Something I never do. I have a very hard time sleeping in general. I fell asleep some time after 3am, and I was dead to the world until 11 am. 8 whole hours is double what I normally get, and I'm a light sleeper too.... not today. I was in a coma, dead to the world until I woke up.

We walked to the video store to return a movie, then over to the park. It was cool out, but we had fun playing on the big toy, playing with the dogs, jogging a little bit around the paths. Then we took the dogs home and walked back to the video store to pick up Planet 51 we had on reserve. Back home for sub sandwiches for dinner, our movie, and then we played a couple games of Clue.

Laundry, and getting ready for school the next day, then bed for the kiddies. All in all, very normal. Normal feels amazing after all the upheaval and craziness we've had in the past 7 months. Normal feels like a gift.