Getting out of my own head.

I saw a quote today that said something about not being able to move onto the next chapter in your life if you are constantly re-reading the previous chapter. It was worded all eloquently of course, and I just butchered it I'm sure, but you get the idea.

This really spoke to me today. I'm dealing with more legal issues relating to my X, the GAL contacted me and I'm finishing up some parenting questionnaires, and I had to give a fairly detailed listing of the ways I believe I was abused during my 14 Year marriage.

There's nothing like seeing all the ways you've been treated like crap (in chronological order no less so you can ask yourself over and over, "why the hell didn't I leave then? Or then? Or THEN?" to really make a girl feel good about herself. The result of dredging up all these bad memories was a massive, midnight panic attack.

I was in that sleepy place in between being asleep and fully awake. I must have been dreaming or remembering the really bad times because suddenly I couldn't breath... I shot up and was gasping for breath and shaking all over.

I had so much adrenaline rushing through me I felt like my skin was crawling. Poor BLT was rudely woken from a sound sleep as well with all my gasping and thrashing around.

I need to find a way out of this mess inside my head. It's not fair to BLT or the kids for me to waste all this energy on an abusive POS like my X. I owe myself better than this ugliness I can't shake, and I know I've worked too hard to let him have this kind of control and influence on me. I know all this... So why am I stuck in this "chapter"?

I honestly think its because I keep getting drug back to that time when things were so bad by all these legal manipulations on the part of my X. It's not bad enough to be victimized once, you have to keep reliving the worst night of your life over and over. Every statement to the police, the lawyers, each court declaration and to the GAL. Each time I have to renew our restraining orders and justify why I am still afraid of him, or meet with a therapist, and even the questions from curious friends and family feels like you're picking at a barely healed scab.

I guess I will have to be more patient. I think I'm going to have to keep fighting through all this anxiety until we are done with some of the legal fallout. I need to focus on the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel... All of this has to wind down at some point right?

Too Heavy to Carry, Too Heavy to Put Down...

I'm really struggling right now. I'm exhausted emotionally, financially depleted, and sick with worry and anxiety.

My lawyer sent a letter on Friday stating that she will drop my case if I don't get $7800.00 to her by the end of the month. Where am I supposed to get that kind of cash?

My X has made it clear that he intends to litigate to the fullest extent possible - he doesn't care if it screws over the kids, just as long as I suffer in the process. My current council does not want to keep accepting small payments, she wants payment in full for past services and an additional 2K as a new retainer.

If I loose legal representation I'll get screwed royally in court. His dirty lawyer has tried so many sneaky, shady maneuvers that my lawyer caught and deflected. Things I would have no idea how to handle. I can't face them alone in court and my X is determined to get out of Child Support and gain custody of my kids.

I can't sleep, haven't eaten much since Friday, and I have constant nausea. Ethel summed it up perfectly; "your burden is too heavy to carry, and too heavy to put down".

This is my kid's safety at stake... My financial future is already destroyed. The only thing I'll fight with him over are my children and I'm goin' down swingin'!!

I like me

For the most part I like myself... Not all my physical "parts" so much, but who I am as a whole.

I really like my nails though... They grow so nicely! Don't they look purdy?

I'll just have to keep working on accepting the rest of me.

Whore-a-Ween Strikes Again!

I both love and hate this time of year.  Halloween is my favorite holiday, but the older my kids get the more stressful it is to shop for Halloween costumes.

The girls costumes that will fit my kids are... hmmm... shall we say it bluntly?  WHOREISH!  For the love of God people, we live in the Pacific Northwest.  In October it's freaking cold as a well digger's ass.  Not to mention I simply refuse to send my kids out dressed as: Sexy Kitty, Sexy Witch, Naughty Nurse... or the generic slut costume du jour "Miss Behavin'"  *gag*

It's always a fight.  The girls see something that appeals to them and I get to be the bad guy.  Especially with Lady Bug.  That girl is sweet, and I adore her, but her tact and taste level are still in the development stage if you get what I'm saying?! 

When did Halloween become about wearing plunging necklines and micro mini skirts with fish net hosiery?  And why the hell does every single costume come with fish net pantyhose anyway?  What about "Angel", "Cheerleader", "Ghost", or "Fairy" dictates hooker-esque leg wear?

YIKES...  this momma can't take much more....  I'm getting some sheets and they all get to be Casper the Friendly Ghost whether they like it or not!  Anyone got a spare Burkah or two they want to loan me?

Girl Time

Good lordy did I need some grown up time.  With the help of some baby oil, a crow bar, and a prayer I wedged my ass into some leather pants and my cute red heels.  I was feeling pretty damn good about myself actually. 

I had such a great time with my girl friends.  We hit a piano bar where the drinks and food were good...but the piano player/comedian act was not so hot.  He's one of those older guys who isn't witty, isn't handsome, and isn't overly clever.  He tried too hard.  Plus - I just don't dig Neil Diamond.  BLECH!

We left there and decided to partake of the fun at a local casino.  Plenty of restaurants, dancing without any cover charge, several bars, a sweets shop, and some slot machines.  All in all fun was ours for the taking!

That is of course until I got home all hot and sweaty from dancing and had to try and peel those pants off.... lol... not to mention the little blisters on my toes from my dancin' shoes!  Ouch... but totally worth it :)

Living in the 1 %

I was talking to my mom today and she said, "Ever since X brought that gun to your house you live in the one percent."  I had to think about it for a minute, but she's right.  I go through life now expecting the rare, the unforeseen, the weird accidental mishap. 

A situation recently came up where a friend was trying to work out what do with their kiddo(s) while they went out on a late date.  The original idea was to leave the teen home alone.  Most likely everything would be just fine.  Realistically I understand this.  However I started to worry.  Then my mind went to all the "what ifs" that could happen. And being me, I had to say something.  I just couldn't let it go.

What if there was a fire, not even at their place... but next door?
What if she had to be evacuated for a gas leak, or some other area disaster?
What if the dog got out and the kiddo had to try and chase her down when it was dark and a busy body neighbor saw, and then called the police to complain?
What if there was a prowler or someone decided to mess with the vehicle left there?
What if, after the fact the kid was sort of bragging to friends about getting to be home alone and a concerned parent decides to pass judgement and make trouble?  Or if the child says something in ear shot of a teacher who does the same?

Two years ago I lived in the 99%... I always thought these things happen to other people.  I never had encountered any kind of significant violence at the hands of someone I trusted.  I hadn't ever really been surprised by someones choices and behavior.   Then my estranged husband brought a gun to my house.  He did something I would have never expected.

My mother, Ethel, and my sister in law were all telling me to get a restraining order.  I heard, "most likely nothing will ever happen, but you need to be safe and cautious.  You need to take care of yourself."  I didn't listen. 

The 1% chance that my X would lose it came to pass.  And now, as a result, I find myself living in that one percent.  I find myself going to worse case scenario.  If I have a quarter of a tank of gas and I run into traffic I start to feel all panicked and  convince myself that I'll run out of gas out of cell phone range.

If the dog throws up I start thinking it's going into liver failure.  If I smell smoke I think fire... never burned popcorn....I understand why, I just don't know how to deal with it.  I'm not proud of it.  It's certainly not something I enjoy. 

I see a self help book in my future...

Waiting for a call

I'm just sitting here waiting to hear from the Guardian Ad Lidem for my kids.  Two weeks ago she sent my lawyer an email stating that she would contact me by email.

A week after that I had not heard from her, so I mailed in the first 1/2 of my payment due to her, and I included all my contact information, and thanked her for accepting our case.

It been another full week and as of yet I've not spoken to her.   I know that she has all my contact information, and I imagine that when she wants to speak with me I'll hear from her.   I don't want to seem anxious or pushy so I don't call.  I don't want to appear as though I'm hiding something either - so I worry about not calling.

I am just not a patient person.  This whole thing is making me nuts. I want a resolution, or at the very least a plan to work towards a resolution.  It's been over two years of waiting to see what the X will do.  I'm out of patience.  I'm out of money.  I'm out of energy to deal with all this crap anymore, and most of all - I'm tired of my own story. 

Does that make any sense?