Making Room for Him

As I am unpacking my numerous belongings and finding homes for all my crap (I mean TREASURES!) I'm making a conscious effort to leave room for BLT. I've never been in this position before. When my X and I got married and moved in together we moved to our own apartment. Each bringing our few belongings, and we then acquired "stuff" as a married couple.

I've never invited someone into MY space. I've never had to consider how much drawer space he'll need, or what side of the closet he might like.

I bought a lovely little wall mounted bedside lamp for reading, only I can't hang it yet because I don't have any clue what side of the bed he'll prefer. We seem to always swap back and forth depending on what we're doing immediately before we fall asleep. I don't even think he has a preference, but it would be my luck I would hang the lamp and then he would want to be on that side, lol.

I've cleaned out a shelf in the medicine cabinet, and I left the cupboard under the sink empty for any of his toiletries. I cleaned out one side of the closet, left half of the attic empty, I even managed to clear out a drawer in my dresser...I think I'm all set.

I feel ready. I am excited for him to arrive on Friday night. I go see my waxer tomorrow, and then I'll come home and do a little self mani-pedi to purty up the digits and toss some dark brown dye on these roots to cover those pesky grey's that have started to show up at my temples.

All I can do now is wait, and work, and try not to fixate! Easier said than done I'm afraid!

This and That

1. I pulled down all the wallpaper in the kitchen and painted it Dragon's Breath. Which is actually a lovely mossy green. Not too much blue, not too much yellow. Almost like vintage Jadeite glassware. I love it.

2. I forgot to pull up my long hair...and while the color is fantastic on the wall my Dragon's Breath green locks are not so cute. Lesson learned!

3. Four days until my BLT arrives. I'm full of nervous energy and excitement. I have a to-do list a mile long and I doubt I'll get to it all before he arrives, but at least I'm too busy to sit and fixate on his arrival. Last time he came I had so much nervous energy I ironed my king sized sheets. It took me two hours, lol.

4. I love me some Netflix... that is all... I just simply lurv it.

5. Damn I need to see my waxer. I have an appt. for Wednesday, but really... I'm in a bad way. Gooooonie Goo Goo... not attractive!

6. I dozed in bed the other morning watching a Blue Jay in the tree outside my bedroom window and I realized I feel content. It's been so long since I was simply content with my life that I had to think about it a minute. It was an "ah haaaa...I remember this feeling! I like this feeling!" sort of moment. I'm looking forward to having more of them. I have faith that my future days will bring more contentment and less conflict.

Tend your own garden please....

I'm a little heartbroken today. The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of changes. For the most part they've all been wonderful, welcome, and wanted.

However hanging over all of these new adventures and opportunities is a dark cloud. My father is very concerned for me and the kids. I understand this, I accept that he is doing his "daddy job" and trying to protect me. But I'm a grown woman, I'll make my own decisions, and if this is a mistake it's MY mistake to make. I've shared my personal fears and hopes and dreams with my former sister in law during all of this, whom I had always considered one of my closest friends and allies.

Well today she stabbed me in the back in the worst way. She broke my heart a little to be honest. My mother called today to let me know that I can't talk to J anymore. She doesn't have my best interest at heart and she's trying to sabotage me. Apparently yesterday J (who works for my families business part time on the weekends for extra money) got my father all worked up in a tizzy. She told him personal things I had confided in her. She pushed all his buttons and it was like poking a hornet's nest with a stick. There has been major fall out.

I always new J was bitter about her disastrous love life but I never knew she would let that poison our relationship. In the span of five years she has been divorced twice. Once from my brother, and again from the man she married less than a year after knowing him. She is in "man hater" mode these days, looking for evil intentions in every act, having no faith in men in general. I told her, "I believe in love, I believe in marriage. I believe the right two people can be happy together."

Her exact words to me were, "well I hope everything works out for you, but I have very little faith that it will" Well that in turn became her telling my father that BLT has no business moving here. That my parents were foolish to hire him. That it is a disaster waiting to happen, that my children are in danger, that I'm in "la la land" and calling BLT my "boy toy" basically feeding into all my father's fears for the girls and I. It doesn't matter how I feel, or what our history is... she pulled no punches.

She meddled in my life, in things that are none of her business. She caused a huge fight between my father and my mother, a screaming match apparently and she just stood back with a vile little smile on her face. My mother's stance is that I'm a grown woman and she trusts me, that it's none of her business and she is here to support me no matter what. My dad wants her to take his side, to stand by his prude, outdated moral stance.

Why would she do that? What benefit is it to her? What does J gain by trying to ruin what small amount of happiness I've managed to find?

She told my parents that she doesn't think they had an business helping me when I got divorced or when the X came to my house with a gun and went to jail. "Nobody ever helped me, I had to do it all alone." WTF??? She did not! She gets child support from my brother every month. She got help from my former in laws who treated her like extended family, she had my parents giving my brother extra cash so that he could buy her out of her share of their house. Directly and indirectly she got plenty of help...she still does. I've watched her children for her, and helped her in any number of other ways.

Why would she do this? I just don't understand. Why is my personal life open for their discussion and involvement anyway? What gives either of them the right? Why can't they just be happy for me?

I shed more than a few tears today... I'm so confused and hurt. I want to confront her, but really... what would I gain? I have trust issues to begin with. I should know better. I don't share, I don't talk to people, I keep my problems and my fears and my feeling to myself with the exception of about three people, well now two people. I should never have opened up to her... lesson learned. Trust no one. Tend your own garden. Don't give anyone the ammunition to hurt you.

Thanks for the hard cold lesson J. It won't be forgotten.

So much good stuff...

I got the house! I sign papers tomorrow and get my keys. Ethel and a few other good friends will help me move this weekend. I'm SO Excited! To celebrate I went and bought us a new welcome mat for the front door. It's blue and has little birds on it... so cute!

BLT was offered the job and he took it. He'll be here in two and half weeks.

I got all light headed when I told him the news today. We're both so excited it's rediculous! He is turning in his two weeks notice in the morning when he goes into work. He has to tie up loose ends, get his stuff packed up and get his very fine tight ass up here to keep me warm at night!

So many amazing, welcome changes happening all at the same time, I can't wait to get movin' on with my happy little life. I am having a house warming party to celebrate!

Patience? I aint gots none!

I'm playing the waiting game. All these great things are on the verge of happening for me...I just have to be patient and let them all play out as they will. I'm possibly the most impatient person alive, I know this about myself. It's one of my issues that I struggle with on a regular basis. So I think I'm a little hard to live with these days. I apologize family and friends, I'm honestly not trying to be difficult and weird.

I want what I want, yesterday please!

I'm waiting to get the signed papers from X. I'm waiting to get the papers to sign for my lovely cottage so I can move it. I'm waiting to see when BLT will be able to come up here and be with me. I'm waiting to see if TNT will respond well to her new ADHD meds, and if life will be easier together. I'm waiting for the amazing Farm Chicks Show in June that Ethel and I will be going to.

On the BLT front there's been a recent, exciting development. My family owns a business, and they've asked to see BLT's resume. When he came up last month he went to work with me for the day, and he liked it. He would love to leave the company he's currently working for, and learn a trade skill that will enable him to have a different type of career. Plus we can afford to pay him a little more, he would have weekends off, and well, to be honest, I think he's hoping I'll sexually harass him at work...just a bit! :)

So anyway, he's sending in his resume tomorrow morning to the big boss man (my dad) and he'll make a decision as to whether or not he wants to do a phone interview with BLT or not after he calls his references and checks him out. I'm thinking it's going to work out, they would work well together. Plus we desperately need help, full time strong manly man type help.

SOOOO... waiting, waiting, waiting. And trying not to make everyone around me nuts while I do it. I need to learn to meditate or something. Not sure it would help though. I think being an impatient ass is part of my particular charm! LOL!

I found my "forever house"

I have the most lovely story to tell you...

Once upon a time there was a young girl. She dreamed of her fairytale cottage. It would be blue and white. It would have a picket fence, a fire place, a vintage claw-foot bathtub, french doors that open onto a garden full of flowers, hardwood floors, and vintage glass knobs on the wood cabinets.

That girl grew up, she had babies, she bought her first house, and her second, and her third. Each house was nice...but it was never her dream cottage. Never a flower garden, nor a set of French doors to be had.

That woman gave up a lot of herself over the years. She let someone else determine her worth. She grew to not like herself very much, one by one she forgot about her dreams, but never forgot about that blue cottage. One day, many many years later that girl found herself alone. Now a single mother with four children she thought she would never be able to have that dream cottage of her own.

One sunny day this woman goes for a jog and like a vision from the past she sees her perfect house, her sweet baby blue and white bungalow. It's exists...and it's for sale. With a sad and heavy heart she realizes that some other person would soon buy that lovely home, for surely there is no way a single mother of four can afford to purchase it on her own.

For several months she jogs past that house every day, wishing, dreaming, and hoping that some day in the future it will come up for sale again and she'll be in a position to buy it. Spring rolls around and the woman needs to move her children from the tiny duplex they are living in.

She calls on every rental in town that she can afford, but each one is already leased out. There is only one rental left in town and it's several hundred dollars out of her budget. On a whim, with no real hope that it's an option, the woman calls the last listing. She speaks to the homeowner who describes the home - it would be perfect for her and her children. The woman asks if there is any negotiation room in the rental price. She explains that she is a single mom without any child support. The home owner was also a single mother, the homeowner says she'll lower to rent to what the woman can afford...what a blessing!!!

When the homeowner gives the woman the address the woman starts to shake. Her hands get sweaty and she gets light headed. It's the blue cottage!! The homeowner is stuck with two morgages, and she's willing to rent long term to the right family. She agrees to let the woman come and see the home that evening. They do a walk through and agree that on Monday the homeowner will email the woman a rental application, and if a long term lease works out, she will SELL the woman that house on a rent to own basis!!

The woman meets the homeowner for a tour. She opens the gate at the picket fence. She pauses on the thresh hold, spying the fire place, the gleaming hardwood floors, and the glass knobs on the maple kitchen cabinets. She feels a tear fall when she opens the French doors and sees the pond and gardens out back. Her heart starts to thump in her chest when she opens the bathroom door and a vintage claw foot tub is waiting there like an old friend.

The woman thanks the homeowner and practically skips back to the dingy, tiny two bedroom duplex they've been living in to tell her children that Mommy found a forever home. A nest of their very own they can fill with flowers and love, and happy memories.

The five of them hug, they cry a little, they celebrate with ice cream for dinner. The woman can hardly wait for Monday to sign the lease and get the keys to her dream come true.

Ready to Make My Move

I'm going to start looking for a new place to rent. The girls and I can't take much more of this tiny place with crazy neighbors. It's worked, and it's sure better than a camper trailer - but the kids are starting to snark at each other and get on everyone's nerves. Four kids in one room is just not working.

I called on three places today. There is VERY little to rent in the tiny town I live in. And of what there is, half is out of my price range.

I'm hoping one of these three will pan out. One is a small house. One is a mobile home. One is a townhouse.

The house is my first preference because we would have a yard for the doggies, it's not in a mobile home park, and we wouldn't share a wall.

Only one bathroom...but that's workable.

Wish me luck!! I'm really hoping one of them calls me back tomorrow.