BLT and I took a little drive into town today and along the way we discussed loneliness. In the past several years we've both felt intense loneliness. For him it was being surrounded by friends, but not having met anyone special that he connected with on a romantic level. He had a house full of single room mates and there was always someone there to grab a beer with or watch a movie...but he didn't have anyone to confide his fears to, anyone to make love to, anyone to share his hopes and dreams with. He wasn't alone, but he was lonely. Dating occasionally wasn't anything special, and sex was more a complication than an expression of love.
For me, well it was different but very much the same story. I had the kids, but X worked out of town a lot. Nearly 20 days out of the month sometimes he was off in some other corner of the country schmoozing clients. I was left to do the mommy job all alone. I didn't have time to socialize, and nearly all my friends had been alienated by his social awkwardness and outright anti-social attitude towards people. When he was home I avoided him. I didn't like him or myself when I was with him. He made me feel anxious and tense and irritable. There wasn't any romantic feelings left on my part for several years, and I avoided sex for years since I simply wasn't in love with him any longer.
Plus... to be honest... there was little to no sexual attraction to begin with. That was never really a part of the equation for me. I married young to have stability and because I thought a nice house, a family, and financial security would bring me total satisfaction and a sense of belonging I had been looking for my whole life. Over the years X had gained a lot of weight...as had I. But I got my ass to the gym, started eating healthy and eventually lost nearly 60 lbs. No matter how hard I tried X wouldn't exercise with me, he wouldn't eat healthy, he blew off all my efforts at helping him shape up... and in the end I just didn't care any more. He didn't give a shit, why should I? If he didn't care, fine... but why should I force myself to have unfulfilling sex with a balding, overweight, lazy piece of work who didn't even treat me well when he was home?
So... I was lonely. Surrounded by people who all wanted and needed my attention, and still feeling the most basic human need for companionship and love wasn't being met. It was a horrible feeling. I think this is one of the things that pulled BLT and I together. We recognized in one another someone who understood what true loneliness was, and right or wrong we filled a deep need in each other. Like two starving people, we were each the food the other needed to survive.
And we have survived, and thrived. We are both really happy right now. Admittedly we are in that "honeymoon" phase where none of our annoying habits are, as of yet, annoying. But we really are enjoying working and living together. We have come up against an issue here or there, and we've talked it out. We're working on keeping up the honest, open, and kind communication. We are making time for ourselves as a couple, time with the kids, time alone for some space and personal freedom.
Neither one of us is foolish enough to think that this will always be smooth sailing, but we're very much in love. Having been so lonely in the past, and then having our relationship start off as a long distance/who knows where this will lead/God I miss you SOOO much kind of thing - well it makes us appreciate the time we have together. It makes us thankful that life worked out so that we can be together. It makes us sensitive to the needs of the other person. All good things, all key components to a successful relationship. Every day I wake up, I reach over to him, I breath in his scent and I'm so thankful he's here. I hope that feeling never goes away.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
The Daddy Day Dilema
I'm torn over what to do about the kids and their dad for father's day. The three youngest have all said they want to either make or buy their dad a fathers day card and send it to him at the prison. I'm not sure if it's just me being spiteful, or what, but the idea of spending my hard earned money on over priced greeting cards for my kids to send that piece of crap just makes my throat close up in anger.
Plus, to be honest, he's a crappy father. He was uninterested, uninvolved, and usually fairly cold to them. Why they even WANT to send him a card I don't know. I mean, I guess even a crappy father - if it's the only father you've ever known - is something to cherish. He was the "good time dad" when he was in town. He took them to movies or the video game store, or the book store - places he wanted to go. They did enjoy that. He just couldn't tell you who their doctors or dentists were, what their school teacher's name was, or what their after school schedules were. Anything fun and easy he was game for... but this is the man who said, "I can't watch the kids and clean the house at the same time. If you leave then you come home to a mess, deal with it!" For the love of Baby Jesus, what did he think I did every single day?
Anyway...so it irks me that they miss him as much as they do. Like somehow his love has more value because it's absent than all my hard work, sacrifice, and dedication to those kids. It's like they don't even see the ten hour days I put in to keep them fed and clothed, the fact that I'm so tired when I drive home I nearly drifted off and ran my damn car into a ditch on Thursday... jolting awake at the last minute. When I got home I caught a 40 minute cat nap before getting up, gathering up the brownies and Italian casserole I baked the night before and heading out to the pre-k end of the year "graduation" and pot luck event at the preschool. All of that is just a given... but he pulls a gun on me and goes to jail and they pine away for his love and attention.
I just don't get it.
It's been two weeks since the divorce was final and he hasn't yet written the kids any letters. I don't think he actually will. Lady bug wrote him a basic, "I love you, and I miss you daddy" letter telling him about her new hair do, and the fact that she got her braces off." I won't let her give him any personal information about where we live now. I also made her give the letter to his mother so she can mail it off for her. I'm not even spending the money on the stamp to inform that bastard what's going on in the lives of his kids. Plus I don't want it postmarked from my town.
If he doesn't write her back it's going to break her heart. I had a little talk with her about how you can love someone, but accept their faults at the same time. That if she didn't get a letter back it's not a reflection of her - there is nothing wrong with her, but that her dad doesn't always follow through with things, and I just don't want her pinning all her hopes and dreams on him writing letters, and then getting out in nine more months and turning into super dad. It's going to be hard, inconvenient, and likely expensive for him to get monitored visitation with his children. I'm rather doubtful he'll follow through. Now his mommy will likely do it all for him and eventually he'll get his visitation - but not because he got off his lazy butt and did any of the leg work himself. (That part I kept to myself of course, no use telling the children negative things like that about him... eventually his true colors will show through, and as always I'll be there to pick up the pieces and dry the tears)
I know all of this makes me sound petty, and angry, and bitter. And you know what? I am. I'm angry as hell some days - and I'm just not sure how to let go of that yet.
Plus, to be honest, he's a crappy father. He was uninterested, uninvolved, and usually fairly cold to them. Why they even WANT to send him a card I don't know. I mean, I guess even a crappy father - if it's the only father you've ever known - is something to cherish. He was the "good time dad" when he was in town. He took them to movies or the video game store, or the book store - places he wanted to go. They did enjoy that. He just couldn't tell you who their doctors or dentists were, what their school teacher's name was, or what their after school schedules were. Anything fun and easy he was game for... but this is the man who said, "I can't watch the kids and clean the house at the same time. If you leave then you come home to a mess, deal with it!" For the love of Baby Jesus, what did he think I did every single day?
Anyway...so it irks me that they miss him as much as they do. Like somehow his love has more value because it's absent than all my hard work, sacrifice, and dedication to those kids. It's like they don't even see the ten hour days I put in to keep them fed and clothed, the fact that I'm so tired when I drive home I nearly drifted off and ran my damn car into a ditch on Thursday... jolting awake at the last minute. When I got home I caught a 40 minute cat nap before getting up, gathering up the brownies and Italian casserole I baked the night before and heading out to the pre-k end of the year "graduation" and pot luck event at the preschool. All of that is just a given... but he pulls a gun on me and goes to jail and they pine away for his love and attention.
I just don't get it.
It's been two weeks since the divorce was final and he hasn't yet written the kids any letters. I don't think he actually will. Lady bug wrote him a basic, "I love you, and I miss you daddy" letter telling him about her new hair do, and the fact that she got her braces off." I won't let her give him any personal information about where we live now. I also made her give the letter to his mother so she can mail it off for her. I'm not even spending the money on the stamp to inform that bastard what's going on in the lives of his kids. Plus I don't want it postmarked from my town.
If he doesn't write her back it's going to break her heart. I had a little talk with her about how you can love someone, but accept their faults at the same time. That if she didn't get a letter back it's not a reflection of her - there is nothing wrong with her, but that her dad doesn't always follow through with things, and I just don't want her pinning all her hopes and dreams on him writing letters, and then getting out in nine more months and turning into super dad. It's going to be hard, inconvenient, and likely expensive for him to get monitored visitation with his children. I'm rather doubtful he'll follow through. Now his mommy will likely do it all for him and eventually he'll get his visitation - but not because he got off his lazy butt and did any of the leg work himself. (That part I kept to myself of course, no use telling the children negative things like that about him... eventually his true colors will show through, and as always I'll be there to pick up the pieces and dry the tears)
I know all of this makes me sound petty, and angry, and bitter. And you know what? I am. I'm angry as hell some days - and I'm just not sure how to let go of that yet.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
What's New Pussycat?
Hello bloggidy friends! I've been away a little while. Lots of fun and not so fun stuff going on in my world.
First...KIDNEY STONES ARE THE SUCK... and yes, I'm yelling! Since Saturday evening I've been suffering with what I'm thinking are kidney stones. I've looked it up online and all the symptoms match, and today I'm finally feeling a bit better (but peeing out gravel is NOT even remotely comfortable.) but even feeling better leaves me weak, shaky, and feeling like I've been sucker punched in the back.
I spent the weekend with Ethel at the Farm Chicks show in Spokane. It was amazing!! I picked up a vintage mirror, an old desk fan, a tiny Baby Ben clock, some hankies, a train case for TNT, a quilted bed spread for Monkey Pants, a mirrored vanity tray for Chef, and a necklace made from an old scrabble tile for Lady Bug. I also found a giant wooden letter from my name in chippy white paint that I love ever so much! Add to that a few other odds and ends and it was a very successful thrifting expedition! Too bad it ended with me thinking I was going to die on the way home Sunday!
Well I got my divorce papers in the mail. While reading over them my parents noticed the part X wrote in about wanting the washer and dryer back. My parents were outraged, and they decided to help me get a new washer and dryer right away. This will avoid him being able to try and use this against me, to cause trouble, or god forbid if they broke while in my "custody" he could try and sue me for a new set. So it's done. I called his family and let them know a friend was headed their way with his stupid washer and dryer and it was their problem to store it for the next nine months until Capt. Crazypants gets out of jail. I mean really... they were willing to pay for the divorce lawyer who wanted to screw me over, I think they can pay for the storage unit to put his appliances in. Seems fair to me! My new set is AMAZING, and it's sooo quiet. In the end I'm happier and it's one less thing he has to try and manipulate me with later. He can't claim I didn't follow the letter of the law and return them, in working order, in a timely fashion.... screw him. He can have the dumb things.
Speaking of my parents, they decided that the kids and I deserved a little weekend away someplace fun, and they got us a very generous gift certificate for a weekend away at a local lodge and water park. It is someplace the kids have always wanted to go, so we are really looking forward to the adventure once school is out.
So life moves forward... BLT and I are great. I am thrilled to wake up to him each morning. I don't know what I would have done w/o him here the past couple of days. He's fixed the kids dinner, taken care of the yard work and helped out putting the little kids' beds together for me. He's been a real trooper through it all. I love him just a little more each day when I see his kindness to my kids, or his sense of humor with my parents, or his amazing work ethic.
The kids are ready for summer vacation. I'm ready for some sun finally. We are happy, we are all healthy, and we are looking forward to having some new adventures this year!
First...KIDNEY STONES ARE THE SUCK... and yes, I'm yelling! Since Saturday evening I've been suffering with what I'm thinking are kidney stones. I've looked it up online and all the symptoms match, and today I'm finally feeling a bit better (but peeing out gravel is NOT even remotely comfortable.) but even feeling better leaves me weak, shaky, and feeling like I've been sucker punched in the back.
I spent the weekend with Ethel at the Farm Chicks show in Spokane. It was amazing!! I picked up a vintage mirror, an old desk fan, a tiny Baby Ben clock, some hankies, a train case for TNT, a quilted bed spread for Monkey Pants, a mirrored vanity tray for Chef, and a necklace made from an old scrabble tile for Lady Bug. I also found a giant wooden letter from my name in chippy white paint that I love ever so much! Add to that a few other odds and ends and it was a very successful thrifting expedition! Too bad it ended with me thinking I was going to die on the way home Sunday!
Well I got my divorce papers in the mail. While reading over them my parents noticed the part X wrote in about wanting the washer and dryer back. My parents were outraged, and they decided to help me get a new washer and dryer right away. This will avoid him being able to try and use this against me, to cause trouble, or god forbid if they broke while in my "custody" he could try and sue me for a new set. So it's done. I called his family and let them know a friend was headed their way with his stupid washer and dryer and it was their problem to store it for the next nine months until Capt. Crazypants gets out of jail. I mean really... they were willing to pay for the divorce lawyer who wanted to screw me over, I think they can pay for the storage unit to put his appliances in. Seems fair to me! My new set is AMAZING, and it's sooo quiet. In the end I'm happier and it's one less thing he has to try and manipulate me with later. He can't claim I didn't follow the letter of the law and return them, in working order, in a timely fashion.... screw him. He can have the dumb things.
Speaking of my parents, they decided that the kids and I deserved a little weekend away someplace fun, and they got us a very generous gift certificate for a weekend away at a local lodge and water park. It is someplace the kids have always wanted to go, so we are really looking forward to the adventure once school is out.
So life moves forward... BLT and I are great. I am thrilled to wake up to him each morning. I don't know what I would have done w/o him here the past couple of days. He's fixed the kids dinner, taken care of the yard work and helped out putting the little kids' beds together for me. He's been a real trooper through it all. I love him just a little more each day when I see his kindness to my kids, or his sense of humor with my parents, or his amazing work ethic.
The kids are ready for summer vacation. I'm ready for some sun finally. We are happy, we are all healthy, and we are looking forward to having some new adventures this year!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
It's Official
At 2 pm yesterday I became divorced.
For the next nine months I'll have peace. Then he gets out, and a whole new batch of crazy is hatched while we wait to see if he violates the no contact order, if he actually gets a job, if he attempts to get visitation with the kids.... who knows what kind of crazy ass plans he's hatched up while sitting in that jail cell.
All I know is that I'm not legally bound to him. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel free. I feel like I took a huge breath of clean, fresh air.
I feel like my life can move forward. This is a good feeling.
For the next nine months I'll have peace. Then he gets out, and a whole new batch of crazy is hatched while we wait to see if he violates the no contact order, if he actually gets a job, if he attempts to get visitation with the kids.... who knows what kind of crazy ass plans he's hatched up while sitting in that jail cell.
All I know is that I'm not legally bound to him. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I feel free. I feel like I took a huge breath of clean, fresh air.
I feel like my life can move forward. This is a good feeling.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Craptastic
I'm feeling a little blue tonight. I was watching some chick flick and I've come to realize why these feel good, girly movies make me feel exactly the opposite. I feel like shit. Why? Because the last thing I want to see is some guy who loves his kids and steps up and is all excited about being married and/or being a daddy...or whatever.
I have this intense guilt over the fact that I didn't end it sooner with my X. If I had just grown a pair and left when I knew it wasn't going to work I would only have the older two kids (not that I don't adore all of my children, that's not it at all), not four kids brought into this world with a man who didn't give a crap. A man who didn't know who their dentist was, or what the name of their school teachers were. A man who told his children I was a whore, and how they should kill themselves if he didn't come home the night he tried to shoot me.
I had a horrible day to begin with. I didn't sleep well, the dogs took a crap in my car when I took them for a ride, BLT and Lady Bug are both sick, my power steering went out on my car, the kids were not nearly appreciative enough of the dinner I spent over an hour making for them, and to top it all off I feel F-A-T. I haven't had sex in a few days... that doesn't help.
So add to it all a "feel good" movie where some guy picks up his baby daughter, looking into the mother's eyes and they all profess this undying love for eachother and I just feel like a loser. I total failure as a wife and mother... I just feel craptastic in general.
I'm going to go to bed. I realize that tomorrow is a new day. I new chance to show my kids I love them. I new opportunity to do something for myself that'll make me feel good... like taking my car to the shop and emptying my savings account to get it fixed.
I have this intense guilt over the fact that I didn't end it sooner with my X. If I had just grown a pair and left when I knew it wasn't going to work I would only have the older two kids (not that I don't adore all of my children, that's not it at all), not four kids brought into this world with a man who didn't give a crap. A man who didn't know who their dentist was, or what the name of their school teachers were. A man who told his children I was a whore, and how they should kill themselves if he didn't come home the night he tried to shoot me.
I had a horrible day to begin with. I didn't sleep well, the dogs took a crap in my car when I took them for a ride, BLT and Lady Bug are both sick, my power steering went out on my car, the kids were not nearly appreciative enough of the dinner I spent over an hour making for them, and to top it all off I feel F-A-T. I haven't had sex in a few days... that doesn't help.
So add to it all a "feel good" movie where some guy picks up his baby daughter, looking into the mother's eyes and they all profess this undying love for eachother and I just feel like a loser. I total failure as a wife and mother... I just feel craptastic in general.
I'm going to go to bed. I realize that tomorrow is a new day. I new chance to show my kids I love them. I new opportunity to do something for myself that'll make me feel good... like taking my car to the shop and emptying my savings account to get it fixed.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The end of the beginning....
This is one of my very favorite Churchill quotes:
"This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."
My best buddy Ethel is going through a lot right now. Her financial situation is dismal, her marriage is under strain, she's moving to a whole new town, she was laid off. There are so many things she's dealing with, and I feel powerless to help her in any significant way. This quote makes me think about her situation. Even with all the negative things in her life, I know she'll come out okay in the end. I know she's going to struggle...but in the end, this will be a new beginning for her family. A new house. A new job. A chance to change their financial problems around and become fiscally stable. It's a chance to worry less about house repairs and late bills and put that effort into rediscovering all the reasons she and her Mister love each other. I really want the very best for all of them. I want this to be a new beginning.
On another hand this quote speaks to me because I feel like I'm coming to the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to all my personal drama. I'm really happy... in some ways happier than I've ever been before. But not in a giddy sort of way - more in a comfortable, content way. I feel so loved and I am so happy having BLT here with the kids and I. In a way there is this sense of guilt over being so happy when Ethel is struggling so much. She is the person I share all my triumphs and struggles with, and yet she's the one person I don't want to burden with my problems - or feel like I'm rubbing my recent good fortune in her face. I would never want her to feel like that. I love her like family.
It amazes me how life plays out. The twists and turns that bring us to the brink of collapse, and pull us back to stability in a never ending ebb and flow of fortune, both good and bad. How small decisions we make effect not only our lives, but the lives of so many around us. All I can hope is that this is a new beginning for all of us, and that bigger, better, more beautiful things are on the horizon.
"This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."
My best buddy Ethel is going through a lot right now. Her financial situation is dismal, her marriage is under strain, she's moving to a whole new town, she was laid off. There are so many things she's dealing with, and I feel powerless to help her in any significant way. This quote makes me think about her situation. Even with all the negative things in her life, I know she'll come out okay in the end. I know she's going to struggle...but in the end, this will be a new beginning for her family. A new house. A new job. A chance to change their financial problems around and become fiscally stable. It's a chance to worry less about house repairs and late bills and put that effort into rediscovering all the reasons she and her Mister love each other. I really want the very best for all of them. I want this to be a new beginning.
On another hand this quote speaks to me because I feel like I'm coming to the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to all my personal drama. I'm really happy... in some ways happier than I've ever been before. But not in a giddy sort of way - more in a comfortable, content way. I feel so loved and I am so happy having BLT here with the kids and I. In a way there is this sense of guilt over being so happy when Ethel is struggling so much. She is the person I share all my triumphs and struggles with, and yet she's the one person I don't want to burden with my problems - or feel like I'm rubbing my recent good fortune in her face. I would never want her to feel like that. I love her like family.
It amazes me how life plays out. The twists and turns that bring us to the brink of collapse, and pull us back to stability in a never ending ebb and flow of fortune, both good and bad. How small decisions we make effect not only our lives, but the lives of so many around us. All I can hope is that this is a new beginning for all of us, and that bigger, better, more beautiful things are on the horizon.
YouTube - Alison Krauss - When You Say Nothing At All
YouTube - Alison Krauss - When You Say Nothing At All
This is one of my favorite songs, it so totally sums up how I feel about BLT these days. I'm feeling all mushy and girly today.
This is one of my favorite songs, it so totally sums up how I feel about BLT these days. I'm feeling all mushy and girly today.
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