I had a melt down after Friday's conversation with the former in law. I'm overwhelmed with my life, my financial burdens, my children's pain, my own pain, and the legal battle ahead of me.
My BLT called... he made me feel so much better. I jumped to the wrong conclusion about something and sent him a text, then another text, then called twice. I didn't realize he had been called into work for a couple hours.
When he called me back he calmly listened to me blubber and cry and then he just said, "hey, do me a favor. Don't assume because everyone else has shit all over you lately that I'm going to do it too."
And he's right. That's exactly what I did. I have been waiting for him to break my heart. Waiting for him to crap all over me, because life in general has spent the past several months doing just that.
Then in true BLT fashion he says, "repeat after me... BLT is MY man, he loves me, and he's not going anywhere." and he refused to hang up until I did just that. It made me laugh, it made me feel ridiculous, but damn it made me feel good too.
He's mine, he's not going anywhere, he loves me. Freak out over.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
If that's how they want to play it...
My former mother in law made a huge mistake. She has no business being involved in my divorce period. She's paying for the X's divorce lawyer, and she keeps trying to play the go between.
She called on Friday. We sent a totally reasonable offer. He said he didn't care anything about the money (there is a sizable 401K) and that he just wants the ability to write letters to the girls from jail.
I agreed to letters only. I can monitor those and if he's inappropriate I have proof, he only screws himself in the end. Part of my offer is that after his release from prison a guardian ad litem will be appointed and he'll only have monitored visitation.
He objects to this. Even though he said he doesn't care about the money...he objects to me asking for 85% of the 401K in lieu of child support. It's not like he has any expenses. While in jail his parents paid off his car, his credit cards, his medical bills, paid for his legal defense team AND his super high powered divorce lawyers. He has NO bills now, zip.... the girls and I are drowning in debt.
He went to jail for trying to shoot me and I got saddled with all our bills. One more gift from Mr. Wonderful. Asshole. He doesn't care about the kids, he cares about punishing me.
He is under some kind of crazy notion that any court in the country will not only give him unmonitored visitation, but he'll get partial custody. A man who plead guilty to a 3rd degree violent domestic violence felony charge? I don't think so...
So when his mother gets involved and calls me to tell me that I'm selfish, greedy, and that I lied to her about this that and the other. Well I got pissed. She told me that the X won't sign as it's written now and we'll be going to court. I can't afford to go to court. I've been told it will be at least 10K, he doesn't care. His mommy will pay his lawyers (who get 2.5x what my lawyer does so it'll cost them 25K)
Selfish fucking bastard. Crazy, selfish people. So this is how we're going to play it. I told my in-laws that as long as they are paying the lawyers, who's only job it is to take the financial resources away from my kids that we need to survive they won't be seeing the kids. They made their choice. They chose their crazy as hell, selfish son over their own grand kids.
God dammit all to hell I'm mad enough to spit. I've already been told by my lawyer that if this goes to court I'll walk away with just about everything. The courts will give me most, if not all, of the 401K, most likely his income taxes too. Plus I'll be suing for my legal fees and all back child support he's not paying while he is in jail. He'll have monitored visitation for sure, that's a given considering the crime he went to prison for.
It's ridiculous that it's come to this. Costing all of us time and money we don't have, and in the end my kids suffer the most. They lost their daddy. We are so broke I'm trying to decide between getting evicted or letting my car get repoed. If I loose my car I can't get to work. If I loose my house we have no place to live, but inside that car. Either way it sucks ass to be us, and now I have to manage to find 10K to pay to go to court to fight for what my kids should be given out of concern for their welfare by their dead beat maniac of a father.
I'm goin' to court...I'm kickin' ass, and there will be hell to pay when I'm done.
She called on Friday. We sent a totally reasonable offer. He said he didn't care anything about the money (there is a sizable 401K) and that he just wants the ability to write letters to the girls from jail.
I agreed to letters only. I can monitor those and if he's inappropriate I have proof, he only screws himself in the end. Part of my offer is that after his release from prison a guardian ad litem will be appointed and he'll only have monitored visitation.
He objects to this. Even though he said he doesn't care about the money...he objects to me asking for 85% of the 401K in lieu of child support. It's not like he has any expenses. While in jail his parents paid off his car, his credit cards, his medical bills, paid for his legal defense team AND his super high powered divorce lawyers. He has NO bills now, zip.... the girls and I are drowning in debt.
He went to jail for trying to shoot me and I got saddled with all our bills. One more gift from Mr. Wonderful. Asshole. He doesn't care about the kids, he cares about punishing me.
He is under some kind of crazy notion that any court in the country will not only give him unmonitored visitation, but he'll get partial custody. A man who plead guilty to a 3rd degree violent domestic violence felony charge? I don't think so...
So when his mother gets involved and calls me to tell me that I'm selfish, greedy, and that I lied to her about this that and the other. Well I got pissed. She told me that the X won't sign as it's written now and we'll be going to court. I can't afford to go to court. I've been told it will be at least 10K, he doesn't care. His mommy will pay his lawyers (who get 2.5x what my lawyer does so it'll cost them 25K)
Selfish fucking bastard. Crazy, selfish people. So this is how we're going to play it. I told my in-laws that as long as they are paying the lawyers, who's only job it is to take the financial resources away from my kids that we need to survive they won't be seeing the kids. They made their choice. They chose their crazy as hell, selfish son over their own grand kids.
God dammit all to hell I'm mad enough to spit. I've already been told by my lawyer that if this goes to court I'll walk away with just about everything. The courts will give me most, if not all, of the 401K, most likely his income taxes too. Plus I'll be suing for my legal fees and all back child support he's not paying while he is in jail. He'll have monitored visitation for sure, that's a given considering the crime he went to prison for.
It's ridiculous that it's come to this. Costing all of us time and money we don't have, and in the end my kids suffer the most. They lost their daddy. We are so broke I'm trying to decide between getting evicted or letting my car get repoed. If I loose my car I can't get to work. If I loose my house we have no place to live, but inside that car. Either way it sucks ass to be us, and now I have to manage to find 10K to pay to go to court to fight for what my kids should be given out of concern for their welfare by their dead beat maniac of a father.
I'm goin' to court...I'm kickin' ass, and there will be hell to pay when I'm done.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Two Weeks
My handsome, wonderful BLT will be here in exactly two weeks. This time, 14 days from now we'll be doing very wicked things to each other in my big bed. Oh hallelujah! LOL!
It's not just the sex I miss. I mean, ya, I miss that a LOT. I knew I wasn't "satisfied" in my marriage, but I could never quite put my finger on what was off. It was nice most of the time...but there were never really any "OMG lets do that again" moments. On a few occasions I tried to be honest about what I needed, sexually speaking, and he just wasn't interested in accommodating me I guess. Near the end of our marriage we didn't even share a room, so that aspect of our relationship was dead.
BLT and I had such dynamic chemistry right away. I've never had that before now, where just sitting next to each other in a movie theatre or while watching t.v. makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and I get goose bumps. It's like I'm hyper aware of where he is all times. Of his scent, his body heat, the sound of his breathing. The crazy thing is, that it was that way the very first time we spent any time together.
Maybe it's this whole long distance relationship and the long period of time between visits, maybe it's chemistry, maybe it's the fact that we made a point to be totally and 100% honest about what we like / don't like / want from each other. I've never been this honest with anyone, and I feel like I can ask for anything, and he wouldn't judge me, he would simply be honest about his interest or willingness to give me what I want. I have so much trust in him, and I know he feels the same way. This open communication thing we have going on is so very sexy. I love knowing what he wants, what he fantasizes about, what he's afraid of, what he dreams about. And I love being able to tell him all of those things as well. Whatever the reasons are this is for certain the best sex of my life. I feel so sexy when I'm with him. So loved, and cherished, and fulfilled in all the ways I've always wanted to be.
I said it's not just the sex I miss, and I mean it. I can't wait to just hang out with him, to show off my town, to lay in bed and watch a movie. I love to cook for him (and until recently I've hated to cook for anyone!), to take care of him in little ways, and to be taken care of and nurtured in all the ways that he excels at. He makes me feel safe...and still thrillingly excited at the same time. It's a heady combo, and I look forward to fully enjoying every moment of our time together.
Two short weeks...they can't pass soon enough.
It's not just the sex I miss. I mean, ya, I miss that a LOT. I knew I wasn't "satisfied" in my marriage, but I could never quite put my finger on what was off. It was nice most of the time...but there were never really any "OMG lets do that again" moments. On a few occasions I tried to be honest about what I needed, sexually speaking, and he just wasn't interested in accommodating me I guess. Near the end of our marriage we didn't even share a room, so that aspect of our relationship was dead.
BLT and I had such dynamic chemistry right away. I've never had that before now, where just sitting next to each other in a movie theatre or while watching t.v. makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and I get goose bumps. It's like I'm hyper aware of where he is all times. Of his scent, his body heat, the sound of his breathing. The crazy thing is, that it was that way the very first time we spent any time together.
Maybe it's this whole long distance relationship and the long period of time between visits, maybe it's chemistry, maybe it's the fact that we made a point to be totally and 100% honest about what we like / don't like / want from each other. I've never been this honest with anyone, and I feel like I can ask for anything, and he wouldn't judge me, he would simply be honest about his interest or willingness to give me what I want. I have so much trust in him, and I know he feels the same way. This open communication thing we have going on is so very sexy. I love knowing what he wants, what he fantasizes about, what he's afraid of, what he dreams about. And I love being able to tell him all of those things as well. Whatever the reasons are this is for certain the best sex of my life. I feel so sexy when I'm with him. So loved, and cherished, and fulfilled in all the ways I've always wanted to be.
I said it's not just the sex I miss, and I mean it. I can't wait to just hang out with him, to show off my town, to lay in bed and watch a movie. I love to cook for him (and until recently I've hated to cook for anyone!), to take care of him in little ways, and to be taken care of and nurtured in all the ways that he excels at. He makes me feel safe...and still thrillingly excited at the same time. It's a heady combo, and I look forward to fully enjoying every moment of our time together.
Two short weeks...they can't pass soon enough.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
That kid needs some meds...in a big way.
The 3rd of my four kids has ADD. I know this. As a mother, as someone who is a trained early childhood educator. I know this because one of my other children also has ADD and is very succesfully using a low dose of meds to function in a normal classroom. I know she needs meds, and I've been holding off, waiting to see if she would mature a little and learn some impulse control. Maybe become less argumentative when I could reason with her.
No... not happening. She's willfull, which on it's own I could handle. It's not like I'm not an experienced mother. It's not like I haven't worked with troubled kids. She's not troubled, she's not a bad kid. She just doesn't have any ability to moderate herself. Not her tone, her volume, her emotions, her activity level, or her behavior. She can't follow multi-step processes, can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes, and she's so moody and emotional she's making everyone around her crazy.
I hate to use medication if it's not required, but this is a necessity. I'm going to make that girl an appt. with the dr. and see if they can start her on some low dose ADD/ADHD meds as soon as possible.
That way she just might make it to see the ripe ol' age of 8 :)
No... not happening. She's willfull, which on it's own I could handle. It's not like I'm not an experienced mother. It's not like I haven't worked with troubled kids. She's not troubled, she's not a bad kid. She just doesn't have any ability to moderate herself. Not her tone, her volume, her emotions, her activity level, or her behavior. She can't follow multi-step processes, can't focus on anything for more than a few minutes, and she's so moody and emotional she's making everyone around her crazy.
I hate to use medication if it's not required, but this is a necessity. I'm going to make that girl an appt. with the dr. and see if they can start her on some low dose ADD/ADHD meds as soon as possible.
That way she just might make it to see the ripe ol' age of 8 :)
I feel stuck
I feel like my life is on hold, which is crazy - because in reality it's moving full speed ahead whether I'm ready for it or not.
My girls are growing faster than I can feed and clothe them. My work is so busy I can't get everything done in a day that needs to be done. My personal life is, well... complicated. But I love my BLT and he loves me and that's some kind of progress forward. He's coming out for the first time to visit, so that's movement in some direction as well.
But even with all of this, I feel stagnant. I feel like I can't let go of being MARRIED. Due to circumstances outside of my control I can't get the X to sign divorce papers. I can't put that part of my life behind me. In some ways I feel like a liar and a fraud. I'm still technically a married woman and I'm in love with someone else. I share a bed with him, I cry on his shoulder and tell him my darkest secrets.
When people ask if I'm divorced I lie and say yes, because I don't want to answer uncomfortable questions. I don't have the guts to be honest. I shouldn't care what random people think, if they approve of how I'm living my life. But I do care what people think. In typical "eldest child" fashion I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy, I want people to approve of me. Shit, I stayed in a marriage for nearly five years longer than I should because I didn't want to disappoint my family and friends.
There are parts of being married I miss. I won't even lie and say it was all horrible. I've learned that I don't like sleeping alone. I miss having a warm body in bed with me. I miss having someone there when I have a nightmare, even if it's just to talk it out with in the morning. I miss seeing another car in the driveway and knowing I'm not coming home to a cold, dark, empty house. I miss my big, beautiul 3600 square foot, five bedroom, four bathroom house. I won't lie... I totally miss it. Living in a 600 square foot duplex sucks ass.
Then there are the things I want, but never had. The things I hope for in a future relationship: someone to read in bed with, someone who will help me around the house - without me having to nag and beg for assistance, someone who will take me dancing, someone who likes my family and will be happy to spend time with them now and then, someone who doesn't make me be the decision maker all the time in a passive aggressive way to get out of responsibility, somone who will make love to me in the shower, or the kitchen, or the couch...some place other than only in bed. I want someone who wants to have new experiences WITH me, go to a new restaurant, try a new sport, go out to a comedy club or take a cooking class...something new we can try together.
And the bummer is, I don't feel like I can have ANY of those things until I can get divorced. I can't move past this place in my life until he signs the damn papers and we finish this once and for all.
My girls are growing faster than I can feed and clothe them. My work is so busy I can't get everything done in a day that needs to be done. My personal life is, well... complicated. But I love my BLT and he loves me and that's some kind of progress forward. He's coming out for the first time to visit, so that's movement in some direction as well.
But even with all of this, I feel stagnant. I feel like I can't let go of being MARRIED. Due to circumstances outside of my control I can't get the X to sign divorce papers. I can't put that part of my life behind me. In some ways I feel like a liar and a fraud. I'm still technically a married woman and I'm in love with someone else. I share a bed with him, I cry on his shoulder and tell him my darkest secrets.
When people ask if I'm divorced I lie and say yes, because I don't want to answer uncomfortable questions. I don't have the guts to be honest. I shouldn't care what random people think, if they approve of how I'm living my life. But I do care what people think. In typical "eldest child" fashion I'm a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy, I want people to approve of me. Shit, I stayed in a marriage for nearly five years longer than I should because I didn't want to disappoint my family and friends.
There are parts of being married I miss. I won't even lie and say it was all horrible. I've learned that I don't like sleeping alone. I miss having a warm body in bed with me. I miss having someone there when I have a nightmare, even if it's just to talk it out with in the morning. I miss seeing another car in the driveway and knowing I'm not coming home to a cold, dark, empty house. I miss my big, beautiul 3600 square foot, five bedroom, four bathroom house. I won't lie... I totally miss it. Living in a 600 square foot duplex sucks ass.
Then there are the things I want, but never had. The things I hope for in a future relationship: someone to read in bed with, someone who will help me around the house - without me having to nag and beg for assistance, someone who will take me dancing, someone who likes my family and will be happy to spend time with them now and then, someone who doesn't make me be the decision maker all the time in a passive aggressive way to get out of responsibility, somone who will make love to me in the shower, or the kitchen, or the couch...some place other than only in bed. I want someone who wants to have new experiences WITH me, go to a new restaurant, try a new sport, go out to a comedy club or take a cooking class...something new we can try together.
And the bummer is, I don't feel like I can have ANY of those things until I can get divorced. I can't move past this place in my life until he signs the damn papers and we finish this once and for all.
Monday, March 8, 2010
He says the most amazing things.
Some times I don't know what to say to BLT. He takes my breath away with this absolute acceptance of me. I've never felt that from anyone except my best friend. In so many ways the BLT is similar to Ethel. They think somewhat alike, they feel deeply and express themselves well, they push me out of my comfort zone and they call "bullshit" when I'm full of it - keeping me honest with myself when I really just want to hide from life.
I feel like he's the first man who's ever seen all of me. The good, bad, crazy, and even the boring little bits I try to keep hidden. He sees them, and he relishes in the good, accepts the bad, laughs at the crazy, and embraces the boring little weird things that make me unique.
He has this amazing knack for saying exactly what I need to hear, when I need it most. And not in some fake, cheesy, I'm just hoping to get into your panties type of way. Because let's be honest, he doesn't even have to work at that. One look, one kiss, one finger running across my collar bone and I'm jello. No, it's more like he can see inside my head and he knows what I need at any given moment. I'll be thinking about him, or worrying about something and he'll call at that exact moment when I really need to hear his voice. Maybe it's simply that I always need to hear his voice, at least more so lately than ever before.
He'll be here in 16 days, and I'm nervous. He wants to meet my parents - which is only fair I've met his parents several times now. He wants to meet my kids. Also only fair, since we've spent time with his child. He wants to be introduced to that part of my life and it scares the hell out of me. What if the circus I call my life is too much for him? What if this is all more than he bargained for, what if he runs? What if I'm not worth it?
I expressed these fears to him...well an abridged version... last night. After listening patiently, he said; "For the record, I've never felt so connected to anyone else in my entire life. If I can't make it with you doll then I'm not going to keep looking, because I love you and you are the very best thing that's ever come into my life. I have faith that we will work this out. This is our plan right? You and me."
And I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that this was OUR plan. Not my plan, not my hope. I needed to hear that he has faith we can work this out and find a way to be living in the same state so we can make an honest go of this relationship. He told me that he's thankful for me... thankful. It's an amazing thing to hear.
There are times I wish I was better at expressing myself. I wish that I could just open up and have all the things I'm feeling come out the way I mean them and not the mumbled, garbled mess that usually spews forth when I try and tell him how I feel.
I'm so afraid that my crazy schedule, my kids, my messy financial situation, the fact that I live way out in the boonies, my insane family... all of it. Well I'm afraid it'll be too much for him. I didn't want to fall in love with him, God help me I didn't, and I'm scared to think about what will happen if he walks away. How do I pick myself up from that one, especially on the heels of all the other crap I've dealt with this past year? Like a fool I gave him my heart, in ways I never have before.
All I can do is hold onto the fact that he has faith in us, in a possible future for us. I have to hold onto the fact that he's well aware that I'm a package deal and he hasn't run yet. Faith is hard for me right now. I'm trying, but it's scary and hard, and sometimes it's just not there.
I feel like he's the first man who's ever seen all of me. The good, bad, crazy, and even the boring little bits I try to keep hidden. He sees them, and he relishes in the good, accepts the bad, laughs at the crazy, and embraces the boring little weird things that make me unique.
He has this amazing knack for saying exactly what I need to hear, when I need it most. And not in some fake, cheesy, I'm just hoping to get into your panties type of way. Because let's be honest, he doesn't even have to work at that. One look, one kiss, one finger running across my collar bone and I'm jello. No, it's more like he can see inside my head and he knows what I need at any given moment. I'll be thinking about him, or worrying about something and he'll call at that exact moment when I really need to hear his voice. Maybe it's simply that I always need to hear his voice, at least more so lately than ever before.
He'll be here in 16 days, and I'm nervous. He wants to meet my parents - which is only fair I've met his parents several times now. He wants to meet my kids. Also only fair, since we've spent time with his child. He wants to be introduced to that part of my life and it scares the hell out of me. What if the circus I call my life is too much for him? What if this is all more than he bargained for, what if he runs? What if I'm not worth it?
I expressed these fears to him...well an abridged version... last night. After listening patiently, he said; "For the record, I've never felt so connected to anyone else in my entire life. If I can't make it with you doll then I'm not going to keep looking, because I love you and you are the very best thing that's ever come into my life. I have faith that we will work this out. This is our plan right? You and me."
And I needed to hear that. I needed to hear that this was OUR plan. Not my plan, not my hope. I needed to hear that he has faith we can work this out and find a way to be living in the same state so we can make an honest go of this relationship. He told me that he's thankful for me... thankful. It's an amazing thing to hear.
There are times I wish I was better at expressing myself. I wish that I could just open up and have all the things I'm feeling come out the way I mean them and not the mumbled, garbled mess that usually spews forth when I try and tell him how I feel.
I'm so afraid that my crazy schedule, my kids, my messy financial situation, the fact that I live way out in the boonies, my insane family... all of it. Well I'm afraid it'll be too much for him. I didn't want to fall in love with him, God help me I didn't, and I'm scared to think about what will happen if he walks away. How do I pick myself up from that one, especially on the heels of all the other crap I've dealt with this past year? Like a fool I gave him my heart, in ways I never have before.
All I can do is hold onto the fact that he has faith in us, in a possible future for us. I have to hold onto the fact that he's well aware that I'm a package deal and he hasn't run yet. Faith is hard for me right now. I'm trying, but it's scary and hard, and sometimes it's just not there.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Things to be thankful for
I'm going to try and be more aware of the simple gifts in my life. I'm going to make an effort to recognize the blessings. I think I'll get a small notebook and keep it in my purse, that way when I notice something, or I become aware of something that makes me happy or brings a smile to my face I can write it down right away.
I don't know why it's so easy to remember the bad stuff, to focus on the negative, and to let the ugly side of life intrude on my happiness. Why isn't it easier to focus on the positive, to find beauty and joy in simple things? Why don't I remember the kindness of strangers, but I can't forget the pain caused by a cruel words.
The things that made me happy today: Sunshine, Flowers blooming in the yard, A beautiful view, The smell of clean laundry, A funny email from a friend, Jogging without pain in my foot, Fresh baked cookies, Record sales at work, A small tax refund, A good meatball sub, A hug from a five year old, And last but not least... my first day off in 12 days!
When you read it, it's a very nice list of things to be thankful for.
I don't know why it's so easy to remember the bad stuff, to focus on the negative, and to let the ugly side of life intrude on my happiness. Why isn't it easier to focus on the positive, to find beauty and joy in simple things? Why don't I remember the kindness of strangers, but I can't forget the pain caused by a cruel words.
The things that made me happy today: Sunshine, Flowers blooming in the yard, A beautiful view, The smell of clean laundry, A funny email from a friend, Jogging without pain in my foot, Fresh baked cookies, Record sales at work, A small tax refund, A good meatball sub, A hug from a five year old, And last but not least... my first day off in 12 days!
When you read it, it's a very nice list of things to be thankful for.
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