Busy Hands

We are insanely busy at work, which is amazing, WONDERFUL really. I work for my family business, and a small family business is either feast or famine. Right now there is no money coming in, but we are frantically filling orders faster than we can process them. I can't hardly make enough product to fill each days orders before UPS gets there to ship it all out.

So that means that in 30 days we will start seeing checks, nice big, fat juicy checks! This is a great thing!

But I'm on my 11th straight day of work. Some of my days are more manual labor than anything else. I'm hauling material around, packing, shipping, wrapping, using the industrial presses to cut materials, building the fire up...shoot, on Monday I built a fence to keep our shop mascots from running off. Whatever needs to be done, I do it.

In a small business we all wear a lot of hats. We are all order takers, janitorial crew, maintenance, shipping/packing, and general shop "monkey" as the need arises. You have to be flexible, and you have to realize that no job is beneath any of us. When it needs to be done you deal with it, without being asked, and without complaining. That's the nature of the beast.

That being said, I have so much personal freedom in this job. I make my schedule pretty much. I drop my kids off at school, go to work, pick them up when school is over and they come to work with me for the evening to finish up my shift. The days are long, well over 8 hours - but if I need a day off to deal with sick kids, or a field trip at the kid's school I have the ability to do that. No questions asked. As a single mom I can't trade that for the world.

So I'm busy... busier than I ever thought I would be. Doing this mommy gig alone is amazingly tough some days, and I'm sure I'm not excelling. We are all struggling and adjusting. But I'm doing the very best I can. I'm kicking ass at work, and I'm still finding time to cook meals, help with homework, and keep my house fairly clean. It's amazing. It helps that I don't sleep much, lol.

Being busy also has another side benefit, I don't have time to stew. No time to worry about bills, or what will happen between the BLT and I, or when I'll be able to fix that crack in my windshield, or whether or not the X will violate his restraining order and try to find me when he gets out. When I'm busy at work I can just let that all go and focus on the job at hand.

I am learning to appreciate this aspect of my life a lot. I didn't know if I could do this job. But I'm learning so much, and I'm enjoying it. I'm really very thankful for this opportunity and I'm going to make the most of it!

I want...

I'm wanting tonight. In so many little ways I'm wanting something. Someone mostly. I want my BLT to be here. I want some kissing, nice deep slow kissing. I want to slow dance, does that sound weird? I had this dream where the BLT and I were dancing to some slow, smokey jazz. One of those empty restaurant cliches where it's just the two of you.

My X would never dance with me. Even in highschool when we were dating he wouldn't dance with me. We didn't have music at our wedding because he didn't want to learn to dance.

I want someone who WANTS to dance with me. I want to feel our bodies pressed together, smell his skin, feel his hand on the small of my back. I just want to be wanted.

I'm feeling small and alone tonight. It was a rough day, emotionally, dealing with questions from my former inlaws. Dealing with bill collectors who think they'll manage to squeeze pennies from me with humiliation and unkind words.

I wish my BLT was here so I could just escape for a little while. When he touches me I can't think of anything but how he makes me feel, I don't worry about how I'll pay my bills, I don't fixate on things I can't control, I don't think about anything but touching and being touched, the giving and receiving of pleasure. He makes me feel beautiful and powerful and so very loved, and I could really use a little of that tonight.

Control Freak

There are certain areas of my life where I am, admitedly, a wee bit of a control freak. And by wee bit I mean huge (of course).

I think it's because I have a total lack of control in several areas of my life. I can't control when the X is released from prison. I can't control my financial situation, and the struggles I'm having due to the divorce. I can't control if the X is going to violate my Restraining Order and try to hurt me. I can't control the distance between the BLT and I, and I can't even really control whether my relationship with the BLT will last. I can't control that all my kids have to share one small bedroom or that they don't love where we live.

What I can control is the order of my closets, the tidyness of my pantry. I can alphabetize my dvd's, I can pay my bills on time (those I can afford to pay!) I can fold my towels into precise thirds and make three very even stacks. I can make my bed each morning and clean my room each evening so that when come home at night I have a peacefull oasis to retreat into. I can control those small areas of my life, and by doing so I feel calmer, safer, less frantic.

So for now, while I'm doing this whole mom thing alone, while I'm struggling in all these other areas of my life, I'm going to hold onto whatever shred of self control, financial control and environmental control I have.

It might seem silly...but it really does make me feel better.

They Love Me In That Town!

I went out with friends on Saturday night, and I won't lie - It was a total ego boost. Per the request (more of a mild demand actually) from my friend who was hosting this little shin-dig I wore my sassy leather pants.

I am normally not the girl that gets noticed in bars. Well I get looks now and then. I'm quite tall for a girl so I'm not exactly inconspicuous if you know what I mean. But even then, I NEVER, not once, not ever, have I been asked out - given anyone's number - hit on... nothing. I'm not that girl. I give off some kind of vibe that says "do not disturb" and I don't even do it on purpose. I've always thought myself to be friendly and I'm talkative.

In fact a couple weeks ago my BFF Ethel and I were discussing this and some guy standing near by says to Ethel, "your friend there is all business, she ain't interested in nobody up in this place!" lol... so I guess it's obvious I'm unavailable.

That being said... I got some very nice attention from a couple total hotties on Saturday night! And not in that gross, leering, now I feel like I need to shower way. One guy walks past me and said, "man, you look just like Winnie Cooper!" and when I asked if it was a good thing he mumbled and walked off. Okay...whatever... lol.

About 20 min. later I'm in the ladies room and this girl keeps looking at me. Finally I say hi and smile and she says, "My friend thinks you are the most beautiful woman in this bar, he can't stop talking about how much you look like Winnie Cooper!!" I told her, "oh yes, we met!" lol... so I guess it is a good thing in his book.

Later that night two guys passed behind me, one says, "mmm....very nice" and his friend taps me on the shoulder and said, "oh ya, I agree!" I got the fist bump from Ethel on that one. Two more cuties!

A few more nice comments from ladies in the bar even - telling me things like, "wow, you're just SO PRETTY!"

I don't know if it was the leather pants, a really good hair day, or maybe they just dig long legged brunettes in that town. It's Ethel's opinion that I'm happy and I was throwing off "fun, happy girl vibes" that gained me so much attention that night. But whatever it was, I can't lie. Damn it felt good!

I spent the weekend walking a little taller, smiling a little more. The auto show I worked that weekend was successful, and I feel great about my job.

I'm just in a happy place at the moment. I'm going to sit back and enjoy it for as long as possible. In one month I get my BLT for a week. I'm just going to think about that the next time I can't find something to be happy about!

I want him in my space.

The BLT called me just now. His request for time off was approved through work. He will be purchasing his plane ticket in the next day or two, he'll be here the third week of March.

HERE

WITH ME

IN MY SPACE

FOR A WHOLE WEEK

This is big for me, huge actually. The idea is both scary and thrilling. On one level I really needed this from him. I needed him to take this step, to come to me instead of having me come to him again. I need to spend more than 48 hours with him.

I need to see him in my space - smell him on my pillow, to get an idea of what that is like. I've always been the guest, never the host. I've never had any other man in my personal space/bedroom other than my X. I want to make love to him in my own bed, make his breakfast in my kitchen, show him my town and where I work. I want to take him to my favorite restaurant, and show off the mountain view from my window over morning coffee. I want to share all these small unexplored parts of my life with him.

But at the same time I'm scared. His opinion of me means everything. On some level I don't want him to see where I live, how I'm struggling here in this very tiny little duplex. I'm embarrased that I can't do better for my girls on my own. If he were to be disappointed in me it would hurt like hell.

What if's start creeping in... What if he hates where I live? What if he hates my dogs? What if he's not comfortable here? What if I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, What if he doesn't like what I cook him for dinner?

Do I pull out all the stops, hoping to impress? Or does that look silly and desperate?

Good God, did he have all these same worries when I came to him the first time? Or as a man, does his brain just work differently?

No matter how many "what if's" come knocking at my door, he's coming. He'll be here in a month... and ready or not, my heart just about beats out of my chest just thinking about it. In a good way, a tickly-nervous in the belly, anticipation sort of way.

I guess in a month we'll find out...

A User Manual...

I wish I could type up a user manual for the BLT. A little list of the do's and don'ts I wish I had the guts, or the words, or the ability to express to him.

Here is a User Manual for your new 1970's model "L.O.M" (Little Ol' Me)

1. Your new LOM is all bark and no bite. Do not be put off by any ranting you may hear at other drivers, inconsiderate family members, and horrible waiters. She tends to make a bit of noise and then settle down as soon as it's out of her system.

2. Your LOM does NOT expect or want for you to solve all her problems. She tells you about her struggles because she trusts you. All she wants you to do is listen, and if she asks for your opinion give it to her honestly. She is not a child, she doesn't need a Knight in Shining Armor... she just wants a partner who will support her when she's having a hard time.

3. Your model of LOM is slightly neurotic. Yes she likes her movies alphabetized, yes she likes to color code her clothing in the closet and only uses one specific type of hanger. If you're going to be a part of her life, don't make fun of her for this, just accept it. In other areas of her life she's a total wreck and his gives her some sense of control and order. It makes her happy.

4. Your LOM has had a horrible, HORRIBLE, time with giving / receiving gifts in the past. She doesn't hold you to the same low standards, but gift giving makes her distinctly uncomfortable and she's not sure what the rules are, as you are her first boyfriend since she was in High School. Help her out, give her ideas. Be aware that she'll make mistakes. She wants the types of gifts from you that say you know who she is as a person. That you find her interesting, sexy, and fun. NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU GIVE YOUR L.O.M. PEACH BATH OR BODY PRODUCTS. It doesn't even really matter why...just don't do it.

4. Your LOM may come across as sexy and self confident, but inside she's shaking in her boots. She NEEDS to hear that you desire her. She needs you to reach out and hold her hand in public. She needs to know you think about her during the day. Tell her... show her... be present and verbal, because her X was neither of those things and she really needs that reassurance right now.

5. Your LOM is very bad at asking for help. She'll struggle, and suffer before she asks for help. Don't let her get away with this. If you know she needs you... step up. Be the man she needs in her life, the one who just gets done what needs to get done without having to be asked all the time, because she won't ask...she'll just seeth inside about it. Right or wrong, call it a design flaw if you want, that's just how this model of female works.

6. The following things will turn off your LOM faster than anything else: Whining about not getting enough sex. Tighty Whities. Cigarette Breath. Mean Drunks. Any porn featuring Ron Jeremy, and last but not least the scent of peach body products (see warning above)

7. It is the little things that matter most to your LOM. She was not treated with respect or much kindness in the past. Hold the door for her, make her dinner, mix her a CD for the car of music you know she loves, watch a movie with her and get her a bag of peanut m&m's. She does not respond as well to large, lavish gestures as she will to something personal and heartfelt.

8. Your LOM went for years without hearing she was beautiful or desirable. She is trying to discover that part of herself again, and hearing it from your lips sends a little thrill up her back. Tell her if you think she looks good, smells good, hell even if you just like the color of her shirt. She craves this reassurance from you.

9. This model of female is not your "typical" L.O.M. She does not love to shop and try on clothes, she doesn't love kittens and puppies, and more than anything she hates crying. The fact that she's willingly shed tears in front of you means that she has the highest level of trust in you. She doesn't cry often, and almost never in front of anyone. Don't make her regret opening up to you like that, or she'll never forgive either of you. Your LOM does not know how to be vulnerable, at least not very well. Help her to know it's okay for her to be soft, to not always have the answers, to cry, to hurt, to want, to fear, and to express it all to you if possible now and then.

10. Your Little Ol' Me wants to make you happy. She craves your laughter. She loves spoiling you in little ways and wants to do what she can to make you happy every day. Tell her what you need/want to be happy. Include her in your wishes, goals, and dreams. Let her in, let her love you

11. Your LOM has a high sex drive. Enjoy it. She wants new experiences with you, she needs you to tell her what you do and don't like. Silent sex turns her off immensely. Be vocal, be honest, be adventurous, and you'll both have a good time.

12. Last, but certainly not least... be patient with her. She's been through a LOT this past year. She feels unsteady sometimes. She worries about everything, she sleeps very little and works very hard. She wants you in her life more than anything, she just isn't very good at talking about her feelings. Don't let her shy away from the truth, make her be honest about her feelings.

So there it is in a nutshell. Now if the BLT just knew about this blog, or if somehow he could just absorb this from the atmosphere, that would be amazing. I don't have the guts to say this stuff out loud.

Do you ever have those days...

Where you just can't see the good, can't find the light, can't figure out how you'll ever get the things you want most?

I'm having one of those days. I'm trying to put on a brave face, and I am not one to complain to those around me so I sort of just suffer in silence. Well except for here. Here I feel like I can say whatever is really on my mind. I mean, nobody actually reads these words, and nobody who might find them in the future has any idea who I am, so this is a safe place to lay it all out there and unburden myself.

The state sent me a letter. Since I'm working and I make a whole 2.00 more per hour now, which is still a very paltry amount to try and raise four kids on alone, they took away nearly all of our bennefits. They doubled my co payment for childcare and pretty much took away our basic food bennefits. I gained less than 400.00 per month in pay and lost nearly 800.00 in bennefits.

When I called all they had to say was sorry, if you were to "loose your job for any reason... long pregnant pause... then we could help you more" meaning, if I'm willing to not work, even though I'm able, they'll help me. Otherwise, too damn bad for me and my four kids.

There are three things I really want... REALLY REALLY WANT, with my whole heart, and I don't see any of them happening for me. I want a better place for the kids and I to live. We're safe, but all five of us are smooshed into 600 square feet. Only two bedrooms and one miniscule bathroom. We need something of our own, without psychotic neighbors who share a wall, with a yard for the kids. I could barely afford the rent I pay, and that was BEFORE they took away our bennefits. There is no way I'll ever be able to do better than this. I'm worried about not ending up living in my car. It's a very real possibility for us.

Second, I want my BLT to move here and make a serious go at this relationship. I feel like I spent all this money on plane tickets, I took time off work, I arranged child care for my herd of children. The ball is now in his court - he needs to make some effort, show that's he is just as committed as I am. He says to me "I want to be with you, you are the love of my life" but when it comes to moving up here it's always, "hopefully", "maybe", and "if I ever" that doesn't sound like someone committed to getting his ass up here and in my bed on a more regular basis. This makes me sad beyond words. I try not too think too hard on it because it tears me up inside. I want to be more than a weekend bootie call every 8 weeks, and he's never made me feel like that, but really, if we never progress past this point, isn't that all I really am?

Lastly... I want to be good and divorced from the crazy as sin man who is my X. I've made reasonable offer after reasonable offer and he won't sign the damn divorce papers just out of spite. From prison he's still controlling my future, effecting my security and happiness, and screwing over his kids. We can't get our hands on any of the money that rightly belongs to my girls. Money we could use towards clothes they need, rent, food, just basic living expenses. He doesn't pay any child support, and he's denying them the financial support he does have access too, just to punish and control me. And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it except go through the motions with the court. A painfull and painstakingly slow process. While we wait for the courts to decide all of this and forcably give me my divorce I'm drowning in debt... money he should be half responsible for, but he's not because he got his sorry ass tossed in jail for trying to shoot me in the head.

I'm sick to fucking death, excuse my language, of people telling me this is "God's plan" and that I'll be stronger because of it. Screw that.... I'm plenty strong thank you. How about just once, just god dammed once something go my way? Because if there is some greater good to be had, some life lesson, some "plan" in play it sucks ass. It's the worst damn plan I've ever seen.

So if you are a random stranger who happened upon this pathetic little post, well you'll have to excuse me and allow me to wallow in self pity tonight. Tomorrow I'll put on my big girl panties and bravely face whatever new horror my life with bring. For tonight I'm going to cry into my pillow.