Home Again, Home Again...

Whew, it's been a few days since I took time to write down my thoughts. Work is crazy... C-R-A-Z-Y busy. My whole body aches from packing, hauling, cutting, wrapping, and being a most excellent and multi talented employee. LOL, I've spent a lot of time out in the warehouse, and I actually like it. It's exhausting, but I like to stay busy and I can listen to the radio out there.

I went to visit my BLT last weekend. I cried when it was time to leave. I HATE crying in front of other people, but I just couldn't help it. I really have just gotten all stupid and in love with him, and I miss him so much when I leave. I miss the way he smells, I miss the way he holds me at night while we sleep, I miss the fact that he totally gets my quirky sense of humor and he keeps me in stitches laughing so much. I like that he cooks for me, opens doors for me. I like that I make him happy. I like that I get HIS quirky sense of humor and I also keep him laughing his ass off all weekend, I like that when I'm there he can't take his eyes off me, and vice versa.

The leather pants and silk bustier combo was a hit. He pulls up at the airport and his mouth just falls open... then he gets this silly cheshire cat grin (like a little boy with a shiny new toy) and says, "holy shit baby, you look amazing!!" he just keeps staring at me the whole ride home. I felt very girly and my effort wasn't in vain. He showed his appreciation in my very favorite ways! I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

I haven't exercised in almost two weeks. I tried last week, I just got so busy working late and getting my stuff together for my weekend away that it fell to the wayside, and this week I'm working 12+ hour days - and honestly I just have ZERO ambition or energy when I get home. There is always next week!

FOUR DAYS!!

Oh how I both love and hate it when I only have a few days left in the countdown to seeing my BLT. I love that sense of anticipation, I love the prep. The excuse to get a pedicure, a hair cut, and see my waxer for that oh so silky feeling I so love.

What I hate is the actual waiting. It's like time slows down in these last few days. I can't sleep well, I just ache to get on that plane and head out.

96 hours... 4 days... so close and yet so far away!

Failure at Life

I'm just in a "mood". I feel pissy, angry, unappreciated. All I asked the kids to do was clean their room. It should have taken them 10 minutes tops, 15 if they vaccumed it. After three hours of begging, and asking, and finally just yelling at them they still hadn't cleaned it up. For the love of freakin' god...WHY can't they just do what I ask them to do, just once. Just once.

There is no respect, no healthy fear of my maternal wrath, lol. It's not like this is new either, it's just that it's gotten so much worse since X and I seperated. It's like there is no attempt on their part to follow the house rules (of which there really are very few) or to follow through with their promises.

I hate being the nagging shrew. I hate that it has to come to me yelling at them to get them to realize I'm serious and to do what they are told. I hate that they don't seem to have even a tiny amount of respect for me.

And then the guilt sets in, and I hate myself for yelling. I hate that I'm not a more effective mother, I hate that I'm exhausted all the time. I hate that I can't provide the kids with a better place to live and that we're all crammed in here on top of one another.

I failed at marriage, I fail at motherhood, I just feel like a failure at life today.

Salsa, it's not just for chips!

I lost my mind and decided to take a Salsa dancing class.

1. I think I broke my butt muscle...seriously, it feels like I pulled every muscle in my big round bootie.

2. I'm sure I looked like an idiot. I've always fancied myself a proficient dancer, really, I've got skills. However, I was having the hardest time keeping up, and remembering the order the moves were to be done in. At least I wasn't alone, we all kinda looked like LOL :)

3. The class was made for partners (this I didn't realize) so there were only a few of us singles there and I ended up being partnered with a 60 year old woman with smokers cough and a pair of overalls. Who wears overalls to Salsa dance in?

4. The BLT said he would love to take a Salsa dance class with me! I was floored. I think that's the best offer I've had in..well, that's I've ever had. What could be better than learning a sexy dance with someone who makes your blood boil just by giving you "the look"? I'm SO holding him to this offer if he ever moves up here.

Feelin' Sassy

I bought leather pants... ya leather. What am I thinking? I am going to visit the BLT for the weekend in a couple weeks and I like to get the whole "jaw dropping" effect when I walk off the plane. So far it's worked.

He told me the other night, "I love to see you come down that escalator, it's like a gift you can't wait to unwrap but you don't wanna rip the paper all at the the same time"

LoL I even showed up once in nothing but a red trench coat with some hubba hubba lingerie underneath. Of course I had clothes on while on the plane,lol, I changed in the rest room before I went down to meet him. He was suitably impressed by this - cliche or not.

Well this time I have the HAWTEST purple and black silk bustier and a pair of black leather pants with my favorite stiletto heels. Being a guitarist in a metal band, I think he'll totally dig the sexy rock and roll vibe I've got going on. And I won't lie...I look damn freakin' sexy all cinched into that bustier.

I'm feeling all girly and excited to see him, I think this should be a winner!

To Valentine, or not to Valentine

I can't believe how long I labored over the decision to either send the BLT a little something for Valentine's Day or not. I didn't really celebrate Vday with my X, and I don't want BLT to think he needs to send me something, that I'm sitting here EXPECTING something.

We will be seeing each other, but the weekend after the "holiday". I don't want to seem pushy, or seem like I expect gifts from him. In all honesty I get really uncomfortable with the idea of him buying me things. I don't let him pay for my meals when I visit. I don't let him purchase my plane tickets. I don't want to be that girl who demands things, and I'm determined to be self sufficient. I don't have a good history with the whole gift giving / receiving thing. With the X there were always strings attached. If he gave me anything he made me feel guilty later. He gave me a trip, but for months afterwards he called me selfish for going and leaving the kids with him. It just got to the point where we didn't exchange gifts. Not for birthdays, Christmas, Vday or anything like that. I did stuff for the kids of course, but not for each other.

So... I decided to send something, because I don't know if he was expecting or hoping for something. BUT, I didn't want it to be some grand, romantic, cheesy gesture that would make him uncomfortable. I decided to send him the "Big Book of Star Wars Coloring Pages" lol. He's a star wars junkie, and he went to art school. Plus he's kinda a big kid at heart. I sent a Dora the Explorer one for his little girl and a set of crayons for both of them. I added in his favorite chocolate covered espresso beans and some candies for the Fraggle too.

HE LOVES IT!! Yay, I got it right, just the right combo of something thoughful and something fun, but not expensive. I got a call, "you're the sweetest thing ever" He didn't realize that he told me once about the espresso beans. He was impressed I remembered and he loves that I sent him something to do with the Fraggle. Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!

The joys of dealing with Social Services

I told my mother that dealing with DSHS (dept. of social and health services) is like smacking your head against a concrete wall in hopes of getting a free bandaid.

I just want health insurance for my kids. One of them has asthma, the other needs monthly meds I can't afford. I qualify since the X lost his mind, lost his freedom, lost his job, and no longer provides them with squat, much less with health insurance.

So I've been on the phone all day... trying to figure out why the medical cards I just got in the mail say that my prefered provider is over an hour and a half from my house. WTF? Why would they assign us there?

Plus I have gotten paperwork today that says they'll take away all our bennefits if they don't get this information back by the 10th. But when you call the number they provide you it says they have too high of call volumes and you have to call back, then it disconnects me. How do I get the information to them then?

UGH... I just feel beaten up by the system. Not assisted by it in any way.